Starting fresh? Idk

[Taknamay]

Hey, I've decided I might be better off not guessing my own type until I really have a thorough understanding of Socionics. Even so, it's going to be difficult to figure things out without an unbiased result since I've typed myself before...

So, I'm pretty much 99% sure that I'm an introvert. Unless introversion and extroversion don't mean what I think they mean. Which is not impossible.

Everything else is in the air for now, I guess. I'm going to try to make this more descriptive over time, I guess...



So now, my life story? I'm really not sure what else I have to talk about...:

I am a senior in high school right now. I pretty much haven't had a single friend in the past ten years, but recently I have been trying to become closer to people. I used to think my brother was my friend, but ever since he's gone to college, he's... changed. I'm not sure if he's always been this way or if I've just started noticing, but he seems more self-righteous and dismissive to me now, because he never seems to have the patience to listen to my ideas. Anyway, I suppose it's this realization that my brother and I really don't get along as well as I thought we did that has caused me to seek new relationships.

I was raised in a Christian home, but I've felt farther and farther from God and at this point would say I might be something between agnostic/apatheist, but neither term seems right to me at the moment. For some reason, I still feel inclined to obey the dogmatic rules I learned. Sometimes I feel like I am more of a Christian than some of those who call themselves Christian, but do not take their religion seriously. In some ways, I am a moral skeptic. I believe there may be such a thing as right and wrong, but I really don't know what it is. The best I have to go are my dogmatic principles. In any case, if the Abrahamic God exists I do not think He can be any of omnipotent, omniscient, or omnibenevolent. Rather, I would say he is "the most powerful" "the most knowledgeable" and "the most benevolent" being in the universe. Otherwise, I think he really would be able to improve things.

When interacting with people, I often feel they do not take my ideas the least bit seriously and it frustrates me. I can usually tolerate this, but if my ideas are treated as worthless for long enough it really does become too much to bear, and I have on occasion broken into fits of rage. I can only recall two times this has happened in public, both times being with peers my age who really weren't treating me like a human being.

At the moment I would consider myself a pacifist, but I have hurt people before. This usually happened when I am being forced to do something I think I shouldn't have to do. For example, if my mother physically dragged me out of my room to force me to school when I was feeling depressed, I have kicked her before. But not only this, but I think I have also teased people before. I've told this story before, but I will say it again, there was a child at my lunch table during my freshman year of high school who was teased often. He insisted to sit at this lunch table, which I did not understand. I thought to myself, "why would anyone WANT to sit at a lunch table where they were not wanted? If it were me, I would rather sit by myself." I say this because an incident happened in middle school where I did exactly that: I did not feel comfortable at my lunch table, so I sat by myself instead. To me, this child must not have minded the teasing very much.

I like drawing, and I have tried writing before but find it draining somehow. I have a lot of ideas for stories but when it comes to putting them on paper, it always seems to flow worse. Even so, I am trying to write a story right now and it is not going terribly. Perhaps now that I am older I am capable of more persistence in my pursuits. My favorite subject is mathematics, and my second favorite subject is science. My least favorite are history and English. I also kind of like anime, but I like western animation equally as well.

I am currently taking medication for depression and ADHD. I see a therapist, and I think my coping has gotten better over the years. I am hoping to be off medication soon, since things seem to be less stressful now.

I often think about what I want, but they never seem to be things I can acquire. Often times, the things I want are ridiculously specific. For example, I would like to have a small group of friends where I am particularly comfortable with one friend more than the rest. It's so specific, right? BUT I WANT IT SO MUCH

Oh, also, I really like organizing things. When I'm bored I will organize my money. But I also apply it to ideas. Like, people say love is so difficult to describe, but I just think maybe if people sat down to think what love actually meant to them, maybe it would be simpler. And maybe accept that love is not the same thing to everyone, and that a word is only worth the meaning you give it.

ALSO, at times I can be quite deviant from the norms of society. This sometimes involves the intentional use of pejorative terms to describe myself like "idolater." AND ROLE REVERSAL



...And, that's all I can think of for now. If I think of something else I will add it.

Loi I'm not sure if this is too much information, or maybe not enough of the right information... can this help people type me? idk... A lot of my personal life, but I don't suppose I mind.