The 5 Languages of Love

[marooned]

physical touch and quality time
words of affirmation
acts of service
gift giving

I honestly don't care about gift giving very much. I tend to feel kind of guilty sometimes when others give me gifts, though I guess sometimes I don't... I'm not saying "no gifts, ever" or anything and I do like gifts when they really mean something. I give gifts at the obligatory times, of course, but really I only try to give things that I think are meaningful/personal or will at least be useful (a lot of this stems from my internal revolt against materialism). I give things sometimes... so there really isn't anything set here, and sometimes I may suddenly go out of my usual behavior without warning, but in general... this is a very minimal focus.

Acts of service would also make me feel rather guilty in that I'm not helping and someone else is doing everything for me. And we can't really spend any quality time together if the other person is always doing some service thing. Generally I would not be happy with one of those marriages where the spouse is always doing things for me but yet is strangely never there (as that's how it rather feels). But I do appreciate when people do things for me sometimes of course as sometimes I am very overwhelmed by doing things... but I usually want fairness... one person shouldn't be some kind of housework slave, that's horrible. And often a lot of things don't even need to be done so really there can even be minimal doing. I probably like getting things done together the best because it helps motivate me to actually do something (i.e. my fair share). As a side note, I pretty much don't give acts of service and I may feel guilty for not doing anything. I just chronically don't do anything.

I think too many words of affirmation might start feeling really smothering, but sincere conversations are really important to me and I generally consider it a part of quality time. I like to listen and be listened to. If someone gives me too many compliments or affirmations I think it might start feeling really, really weird, creepy or condescending. It really depends on the context I guess as I'm imagining different things while I'm writing that and it really is very context dependent to the extent that I'm really not sure at all. I probably tend away from giving words of affirmation myself but I will try to if I want to say something, it's just that I may not sound convincing because I feel so uncomfortable trying to. So it helps if the other person knows me and doesn't misinterpret me if I don't sound convincing because if I'm trying that hard to say it, then yes, I really mean it.

What I probably give the most is quality time... time is something I can give and when others can give it as well that means that really do care about me. If I'm giving quality time it means that the other person is important to me because I wouldn't be doing so otherwise (my time is most precious to me). That said, I can be wonderful at not following up with people, and that doesn't mean they aren't important to me, just that I didn't do anything. Usually the time I give was initiated by someone else (but that I went along with it probably means they're important to me). Physical touch is the other one that tells me they really do care about or want me (though admittedly I don't feel very confident with touch). Without both of these two I won't really be sure they actually do care or things will simply feel really distant and I would actually rather not bother with the heartache.