Effect of our parents on which types we find attractive and our relations with their types in general

[Saoirse]

I am coming from the perspective of this NY times article, in particular this paragraph:

"But though we believe ourselves to be seeking happiness in marriage, it isn’t that simple. What we really seek is familiarity — which may well complicate any plans we might have had for happiness. We are looking to recreate, within our adult relationships, the feelings we knew so well in childhood. The love most of us will have tasted early on was often confused with other, more destructive dynamics: feelings of wanting to help an adult who was out of control, of being deprived of a parent’s warmth or scared of his anger, of not feeling secure enough to communicate our wishes. How logical, then, that we should as grown-ups find ourselves rejecting certain candidates for marriage not because they are wrong but because they are too right — too balanced, mature, understanding and reliable — given that in our hearts, such rightness feels foreign. We marry the wrong people because we don’t associate being loved with feeling happy."

Do you find this to be true in your life? What types are your parents? What are your relationships with them like? For the other people you know who are your parents' types, are your feelings toward them consistent with what is hypothesized by Socionics, or are they more consistent with how you feel toward your parents (or maybe these are the same)?

My mom and dad are SLI and LII, respectively, and I am very close with my mom, while I barely talk to my dad. I tend to end up dating (i.e., being attracted to) IxTx's of all sorts except ISTjs, but my connections with LIIs are usually ended by me (they liked me more than I liked them), while my connections with SLIs/ILIs are usually ended by them (I liked them more than they liked me). I think I feel more negatively toward LIIs than is theoretically hypothesized for look-alike/business relations, perhaps because of my dad. My love of Te leads/creatives is consistent with Socionics, but I've noticed that my EII friends do not love Te as much as I do (even preferring other functions, such as Ne or Fe, to it), so I wonder if I particularly love Te because of my mom.

[Exodus]

I am coming from the perspective of this NY times article, in particular this paragraph:

"But though we believe ourselves to be seeking happiness in marriage, it isn’t that simple. What we really seek is familiarity — which may well complicate any plans we might have had for happiness. We are looking to recreate, within our adult relationships, the feelings we knew so well in childhood. The love most of us will have tasted early on was often confused with other, more destructive dynamics: feelings of wanting to help an adult who was out of control, of being deprived of a parent’s warmth or scared of his anger, of not feeling secure enough to communicate our wishes. How logical, then, that we should as grown-ups find ourselves rejecting certain candidates for marriage not because they are wrong but because they are too right — too balanced, mature, understanding and reliable — given that in our hearts, such rightness feels foreign. We marry the wrong people because we don’t associate being loved with feeling happy."

Do you find this to be true in your life?

Nope. If anything I tend to be interested in people who are very very different from my parents. (Not necessarily opposite types but basically the opposite in terms of personality as a whole.)

This could be true if people experienced a negative dynamic as a child but weren't able to break away from that mentally somehow.

[Pookie]

Your parents serve as the first examples of what to expect as an adult. Men act like this, women act like that. However, people can reject that mold as well, eg. I will not do x like my father. The " We are looking to recreate, within our adult relationships, the feelings we knew so well in childhood", I think is inaccurate, but close enough that the end result is similar. We are not looking to recreate, we are molded by them (either by adapting or abhorring behavior) and come to expect/desire behaviors based on our attitude to that exposure.

[Pookie]

Personally, my mother was a walking lie detector test. I learned not to lie, because it never worked and always worsened trouble. Now, as an adult, I am attracted to people who dont lie, specifically in situations where the lie is to avoid facing consequences. To me, this seems more like a behavior shaping due to exposure, than it is recreating a familiar relationship. My mom certainly lies, but the consistency of the parenting antagonistic towards lying was enough. I think where alot of parents fail is that they are not consistent between words and actions.

[wacey]

Oh probably, but do I really want to go down that rabbit hole in search of answers?

[Chae]

Yes, can confirm. My parents are both S-types (ESI, SLI), I gravitate towards that like a moth to the flame. The people I am interested in, lots of Fi and Si.

[Saoirse]

I married someone like my dad. lol.

...

My dad is SLI-Te and my mom is probably ESE-Si.

The only thing is I think I appreciate Alpha Si more than Delta Si from my mother's caregiving when I was younger. ESE Si is much more mother hen like. Like do you want me to get you a blanket, some cookies? Oh, you need to go to the dr! Delta Si coming from an LSE isn't as nurturing as ESE Si, so I'm spoiled from my mom, basically.

Is your husband SLI, then? Or LSE?

[Saoirse]

Ah, sorry. I should have specified. He's LSE.

Living the EII dream.

[The Exception]

I married someone like my dad. lol.

My father was always working when I was younger. He owns his own business. I don't want to say exactly what he does, but he is more in a construction like business. It's what I'm accustomed to I suppose. I'm used to that type of lifestyle, those who are more self-sufficient and know how to do lots of things, like build a house, dig a pond, pour concrete etc. I'm used to being in a family that is in a self-employed business. My husband does similar work and is self-employed as well. He's like my dad in others ways, too. They get along pretty well. They have their differences, too, though.

I've never been married but I think I would strive to marry someone quite different than my father. Don't get me wrong, I love my father, but socionics wise we are not the most compatible. My father was not the handy type at all. I'm not handy either and neither is my mom, so I'd prefer someone who had the knowledge in these types of things. Its far from a deal breaker though. Ones overall personality and intelligence are far more important.

My father and I spent a lot of time together when I was younger when he would get home from work. We'd bond over playing video games, board games, and we became very good at ping pong together. He'd take me fishing and camping. I was a barn rat and used to play on tractors, excavators and piles of pea gravel. Basically I love the country life style and the quiet slow pace of that life. And dad and I both share an affinity for that lifestyle I think. An appreciation of nature.

My father and I also spent alot of time together growing up. We also bonded over games and we went camping together. We both love nature. My father is an SLI and I'm an LII. However, it was difficult to have a truly deep emotional conversation with him. Emotionally, sometimes he seemed rather unavailable, not so good at soothing my hurt. My mother however, readily showed sympathy in such situations.

My mom and dad didn't get along when I was younger. They fought a lot over mom spending too much money on stupid stuff and my dad being an asshole, but I got along with both of them.

My parents fight all the time and they have been married for close to 40 years. I sometimes wonder how they put up with each other but I can tell they love each other and both would be 'lost' in life without the other. I think my mother is most likely delta NF.

My mom and I spent more time together and I know my mom much better, mostly because my dad is quiet and private, and she is very open and talkative, but I don't feel like she understands me. She doesn't understand when I say things like I'd rather live like the Amish than in some fancy addition with fancy cars. I feel alien to her in a way. The misunderstanding use to frustrate me as a teenager especially. I knew she had my best interests in mind, however.

My mother is the far more talkative one too. Mostly she understands me but there are some things I still don't feel comfortable sharing with her like my love of socionics. She just doesn't seem to see the value in theories like that.

Despite the misunderstanding, my mother was a pretty good mom. She always took care of me , supported me. Made sure I ate healthy, had nice things, and was in a safe environment, while still giving me a lot of freedom to discover myself and the world around me. She never tried to make me a certain way but let me discover whatever odd interest may work it's way into my brain. She is a very accepting and nonjudgmental person and if anything every happened to her I would be devastated. I consider her and my husband my rocks. If anything is every wrong, I call my mom or my husband.

My mom was exactly like that too. She was very much Si/Ne valuing but she could be a bit overprotective at times. My father was less overprotective but not as emotionally engaging. Even though she was very concerned with my comfort, it was apparent her Si was weak as she didn't always take good physical care of herself.

Se wasn't that valued in my immediate family. My sister and her ex-husband played a pretty large role in my life growing up, however. I used to think my sister was SEE but I think she is actually IEI-Fe now. Her ex was LIE. My grandmother, who I was very close to when I was younger was LIE as well. Her husband was LSI. My great-grandmother was ESE who I was extremely close to as a child.

My dad is SLI-Te and my mom is probably ESE-Si.

Nobody in my immediate family values Se. Even in the extended family, it's mostly alpha and delta. There are a couple of outliers- an LSI uncle, an SLE cousin. So the Se approach to things was rather foreign and I had to learn the hard way through teachers and peers outside the family.

The only thing is I think I appreciate Alpha Si more than Delta Si from my mother's caregiving when I was younger. ESE Si is much more mother hen like. Like do you want me to get you a blanket, some cookies? Oh, you need to go to the dr! Delta Si coming from an LSE isn't as nurturing as ESE Si, so I'm spoiled from my mom, basically.

My mother was nurturing like that but I think that might have been her Si mobilizing if she is EII.

[The Exception]

I'm not sure how much my family actually influenced my attitudes towards relationships and how much of that I would have thought so anyway. But some key points.

Neither of my parents is particularly sensual or interested in the sexual side. (or if they are they don't communicate it to me). I see myself also underemphasizing that aspect. I never did much to enhance my sex appeal, didn't really care that much and for me relations are primarily about personality and intellectual compatibility. The physical side plays a far less significant role.

My parents are both quite messy. This is where I differ from them. Sometimes I get kind of grossed out by their mess when I come to visit. I strived to not be like them and I have succeeded. I'm not OCD about cleanliness by any means- I can handle some clutter. But when it gets to the point where its difficult to walk from one room to another due to clutter, where there are old dirty dishes in places where there should not be, something needs to be done.

Both of my parents are very loyal to each other and as far as I know have never cheated on each other. I also prize this aspect highly and don't do this either.

My parents are both very oriented towards Si/Ne valuing and I am the same way myself. I am repulsed by some of the more aggressive/victim tactics I sometimes find in other relationships.

[carrina]

My opinion is that the way my family influenced me is something that socionics doesn't attempt to classify. The concepts in socionics do not deal with mental health, maturity, familial values, virtues, etc.

[carrina]

That said though, my dad is a logical type and I have enjoyed dating logical types. I don't think that really touches on what OP is asking though.
I've had too many relationships for this question. My parents have been married for like 40 years too.

[ghost of forum past]

I am coming from the perspective of this NY times article, in particular this paragraph:

Do you find this to be true in your life? What types are your parents? What are your relationships with them like? For the other people you know who are your parents' types, are your feelings toward them consistent with what is hypothesized by Socionics, or are they more consistent with how you feel toward your parents (or maybe these are the same)?

The premise of this article is interesting but not necessarily true in my opinion. Perhaps if you respect something that your parent does, you will look for it in a potential partner. However, it seems counter-intuitive that you would want to recreate a "negative" feeling in your adult life when it goes against what is in your best interest.

That being said, I had a relatively comfortable childhood and thus cannot pretend to understand the potential comfort of familiarity in the context of a "negative" situation.

[Muddy]

My dad was pretty much a sociopath, didn't care at all about breaking laws and only did spot jobs where he could come and go as he pleases. I suppose I developed an admiration for his chaotic disregard for social constructs and I find myself attracted towards lone wolf types of people who fight against the system.

[Olimpia]

Obviously, our parents (and/or other key individuals in our early upbringing) can have an influence on which types we will be more attracted to.
This can result in us not being as attracted to our Dual as much as to those other types.

My father married someone with the same Sociotype and Enneagram type as his mother: ESE-Si, Type 2.
However, my mother and grandmother look the exact opposite from each other. So, on the surface they aren't similar at all.

My mother married someone with the same club (ST) and the same bad habits and dark hair as her father's.

Thankfully I am not attracted to the sociotype of my dad (LSE) nor mother, but I am primarily attracted to men who are Type 3 like my dad.

Which traits and aspects end up in our "Imago" (=unconscious image of our ideal mate) might be a somewhat random or circumstantial occurrence.
In that manner, not everyone will be attracted to someone with the same sociotype as their father, but maybe with their enneagram type, or with their looks, or their bad habits, etc etc.

[summerprincess]

I agree with the article and inter-type theory....

The relationship we have with our parents (especially our mothers) will decide if we are secure, anxious or avoidant in our attachment styles. Our early relationship will create a blueprint for the type of partner we will find most psychologically satisfying. Being a vulnerable infant teaches us how to accept love or not accept love. Many avoidant and anxious types are drawn to one another, since it is psychologically comfortable for them to be less emotionally intimate. Hypothetically having a doting father as a child, might make me more comfortable with having a doting husband as I have a blueprint for love from a male, that dictates how I receive and give love.

I have a good friend who cannot tolerate when men are too kind to her, and the relationship becomes emotionally intimate. She is avoidant. She will chase men for their attention and affection as she learned love was not easily given in childhood. Studies indicate that too much connection, intimacy and eye-contact is overstimulating and stressful for avoidant types on their CNS.

I think we seek out someone who is both compatible in socionics and with the "blue print" we received from our parents.

Well attachment styles are a thing, but your attachment with your parents doesn't automatically determine your attachment with a romantic partner. I have pretty secure attachments and good relationships with both of my parents, but I'm not a secure partner at all. It isn't necessarily going to be the same. Also, in response to the topic question, I'm not attracted much to guys with my dad's socionics type. Much too rigid and introverted for me, i.e. much too similar to me. My mom has a great personality but she is extremely neurotic in a way I would find weird for a man.

[Olimpia]

Well attachment styles are a thing, but your attachment with your parents doesn't automatically determine your attachment with a romantic partner. I have pretty secure attachments and good relationships with both of my parents, but I'm not a secure partner at all. It isn't necessarily going to be the same.

Yes, it can be a complex matter regarding how our attachment styles become the way they are. Some people are more prone to insecure attachment than others. Some people remain securely attached no matter how poorly they were being treated by their caregivers. People can have different attachment styles with different people. One really bad relationship can make you insecurely attached in romance. Etc.

 

In my case, unfortunately my strained relationship to my Conflictor father has resulted in me being Fearful-Avoidant in romance, just like I am Fearful-Avoidant with him. So, in my case there is that link. How I relate to men is mostly Dismissive when I am not interested or attracted to them, and I am like a Fearful-Avoidant when I am very attracted/interested in a guy, and I am becoming emotionally closer with him. It feels like being close to a guy will result in pain, like being too close with my dad on an emotional level has been painful for me. So, it is a push and pull. I "pull" when they are too far away, and "push" (or run away...) when they are too close. That makes it difficult for me to relate with men on a personal level.

Tying this into the main topic, I have mostly been attracted to men who were either Secure or somewhat Dismissive (like my father, actually...).
I have attracted a bunch of Preoccupied men in the beginning, but I've never felt attracted to them back. It felt very one-sided.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

We are looking to recreate, within our adult relationships, the feelings we knew so well in childhood. The love most of us will have tasted early on was often confused with other, more destructive dynamics: feelings of wanting to help an adult who was out of control, of being deprived of a parent’s warmth or scared of his anger, of not feeling secure enough to communicate our wishes."

I don't know how well I agree with this or how much validity it really has. Honestly? My childhood sucked balls, emotionally speaking. I felt terrible/terrorized by the good majority of it. And although this sounds like an emo kid ranting- hear me out. Though I was well taken care of physically and provided a home where they paid the bills and put food on the table and saw to my physical comfort and safety- they tried their hardest to get me to fit into society and be more of a cool cocky str8 boy that played sports. That just was not me, and they could not accept that. I was literally forced to go to a bunch of therapists just because I refused to do what they say. If I argued or disagreed with something, even politely- they literally called cops over my house to drag me to therapy sessions in my underwear. It was horrible. I honestly forgot to do the dishes one day? /mom rants to therapist how I'm this awful bad seed etc.

To be fair, I am not saying I was always in the right or always the angel so don't think that. I was difficult but that doesn't mean you just give up and call the stupid middle class ****** therapist every time I'm being a little rebellious. I'm a male. That is what we do. And my parents were scared of primal male energy. Everything was about pleasing Oprah like some dork. Their gender roles was flipped, so if I was being difficult- it was like a caveman was in the house and they hated that.

This is part of why I hate the 'heterosexual family unit' so much and things like that, because of the amount of control it has. People plop out kids out of their vaginas not respecting the person's autonomy but to morph the person into this societal mold. I felt like for the most part, my parents tried to control me and not love me - and I still feel that way, and resent them for that. I want to forgive, but I do not know how. Although they still protected me well [ie shut up emo fag you aren't a starving kid in africa] so this gave me a complex. I am attracted to people who protect me also because of this- so the article is kind of right. When they said 'I love you' it did not feel like love though. It felt like condescension.

I did not want to back to a feeling of childhood, but of being truly respected and validated for who I am and to feel like I have more control with people and in relationships. To not feel a loss or powerlessness. I like people who can give me both power and protection.

[Rebelondeck]

.............We are looking to recreate, within our adult relationships, the feelings we knew so well in childhood....... .

I have observed this phenomena directly. The wife of a close friend left her very secure, no-conflict marriage of 14 years and her children to form a tempestuous relationship with an exact copy of her father, an opinionated bigot with little means of support. I have met him. If looks were a factor, I could perhaps understand it, but they weren't. The relationship that she now has mirrors her parents relationship almost exactly; I know this from her now adult children who hate to visit their mother.

a.k.a. I/O

[Adam Strange]

I have observed this phenomena directly. The wife of a close friend left her very secure, no-conflict marriage of 14 years and her children to form a tempestuous relationship with an exact copy of her father, an opinionated bigot with little means of support. I have met him. If looks were a factor, I could perhaps understand it, but they weren't. The relationship that she now has mirrors her parents relationship almost exactly; I know this from her now adult children who hate to visit their mother.

a.k.a. I/O

Evolution is an amazingly effective method for propagating a species. It optimizes for reproduction and fitness, not for happiness. In most cases, living creatures don’t have books or movies or psychologists to help guide their choices. A lizard that wants to reproduce looks for a nest like the one its parents had, and a mate that resembles its parents. If the lizard didn’t do this, it would be mating with rocks and trees and creatures by which it might not be able to produce offspring. This wastes effort and might get the lizard killed. Probably, this was one (of many) early behavior pattern of life forms, but it is not presently a highly popular practice in today’s world.

This instinct to seek a familiar mate over an “optimal” one is very deeply grounded in our DNA, and is unlikely to be eliminated anytime soon. So, when a person abandons a mate that is unlike its parent and goes for one that is like its parent, it is just repeating a process which has had a very long run of successes.

Lol

So, if you don’t want your daughter to marry a drunken bum, don’t act like a drunken bum.

[Suzaku]

I've pegged my mom as SLI and dad as EIE. I'd first jump off a cliff before dating anyone like them. No, not really, but I've basically analyzed everything they've done as adults and in their marriage that I repeat to myself, DO NOT DO THAT THING. I do know I can trust my mom to get stuff done very well like a tank plowing through objectives, so in that regard I look to her, but that's about it. Neither are emotionally mature and my mom is terrible at expressing herself when it is important to do so. I can be pretty terrible at expressing myself around people unless I'm close with someone, if I'm close to someone I make an effort to express myself because if it's important and legit I'd like to express it, if not for them, for myself.

[jingo]

it is stupid that thing that effect us as child affect us as adult. especially when we are adult, do tee same thing, and ask why the child do that.

[chrys]

Well that sucks