Here's my typing questionnaire. Sorry if it's verbose.

@jaded whore


What is beauty? What is love?
Beauty is an idealization that cannot be found in reality. Once it appears in reality, it shines briefly and quickly fades, diluted by the grit of the world around it. When this happens, I must seek a new vision of beauty. Rinse and repeat until I’m jaded to every conceivable idea and life is meaningless.

True love is in actions, which in turn require strength. The strong may practice love. I am weak. I can offer no reliable love. When I’m confident in my ability to do good unto others, I may reawaken the feeling that accompanies love. Hopefully.


What are your most important values?
Cynicism makes people uncompassionate, which in turn creates more cause for cynicism. This feedback loop makes the world cruel and inhospitable. Self-sacrifice is the best way to counteract this. However, self-sacrifice is most effective coming from the strong, and since the strong are more detached from suffering, they’re less obligated to work against it.

I consider myself too weak to make any valuable contribution to humanity at the moment. For now, my goal is to become as strong and stable as I can with the fledgling abilities I have, by all means necessary. Might makes right, and I have no might. The weak are not beholden to the laws of the strong.

Over the past few years, I’ve put a conscious effort into being as logical as I can. Not like it’s working. Common sense is my anathema.


Do you have any sort of spiritual/religious beliefs, and why do you hold (or don't) those beliefs in the first place?
Solipsism is masturbatory bullshit. Empiricism is the best thing we have to explain the illusion of a world around us. We can still create meaning and value in a world devoid of it, though. I do believe it’s our duty as a species to understand all there is to be understood in this world before its inevitable death, since it might give us the slightest chance at preserving this world and our knowledge. Futile as it is, we need to rage against the dying of the light. The chance may never come again.


Opinion on war and militaries? What is power to you?
I don’t want to be drafted. But bloodshed is the way of man. I don’t revel in that – it’s just foolish to pretend life is any different. When shit finally hits the fan for this society, I’ll be among the first to die. Human ethics are aesthetic. When a person crosses the event horizon of ugliness, he's denied a human identity.


What have you had long conversations about? What are your interests? Why?
I don’t have any particular hobbies. I don’t hold conversations.


Interested in health/medicine as a conversation topic? Are you focused on your body?
I’ve been called a hypochondriac. It’s eased off as I’ve gotten older. I rarely exert my body; fucking thing always hurts.


What do you think of daily chores?
They’re hardly a bother. It’s nice to have some “filler” tasks that don’t require a lot of mental effort.


Books or films you liked? Recently read/watched or otherwise. Examples welcome.


What has made you cry? What has made you smile? Why?
I cry when I get the shit beaten out of me. I don’t really smile. It’s too great an effort.


Where do you feel: at one with the environment/a sense of belonging?
I identify most with the Deltan model of social interaction: smaller groups, minimal conversation, and parallel leisure. Sometimes I just need to have other people around me doing things so I can “feed” off their energy. Other than that, I’ve learned to enjoy solitude, preferring asocial tasks that don’t require me to meet the demands of others.


What have people seen as your weaknesses? What do you dislike about yourself?
If ANY condition compromises my mental abilities in any way, I’ll have no choice but to stagnate. That is my greatest weakness. Right now I’m waking up every morning too fatigued to get any work done, and it’s either caused by sleep apnea or a gas leak.

I believe I vibe as the type of person you just want to kick down a staircase. I don’t know how to fight that. As if my first impressions aren’t damning enough, I always end up saying the wrong thing and only later realizing it. Basically I’m cursed to be hated.


What have people seen as your strengths? What do you like about yourself?
My ability to retain useless information no one gives a shit about until it’s time to knuckle down and get your hands dirty. All but obsolete in an age with Google.

I also suspect that I tend to fawn to authority, that I give off the air of someone who’s very concerned with doing the job right, if only for his own well-being.


In what areas of your life would you like help?
Not making an ass of myself. Managing tight schedules. Dealing with my paranoia. Starting my own independent projects proactively while retaining a good sense of structure, rather than having to be taught everything like the child I am.


Ever feel stuck in a rut? If yes, describe the causes and your reaction to it.
All the time. Anything can cause it. Something as simple as running an errand can snap me out of it.


What qualities do you most like and dislike in other people? What types do you get along with?
I hate that people feel the need to conceal all weakness. I don’t think I can connect with anyone until I see them vulnerable.

The types of people I’m drawn to tend to avoid me, either because of my outward appearance or the chaos beneath. Earlier in life, I saw most people as colorless and uninteresting, seldom making any effort to connect with them; the ones I admired deemed me a nuisance and brushed me away.


How do you feel about romance/sex? What qualities do you want in a partner?
Ideally I’d have a mate of far higher intelligence than my own, to guide, comfort, and lead me. I’d like a partner I could speak up to like a goddess, one who could heal me and guide me towards the truth.

Most importantly, I’d want someone who can understand my fear. The angst I have over the improbability of life has become a source of arousal, and I’d probably do best with someone who shares this feeling.


If you were to raise a child, what would be your main concerns, what measures would you take, and why?
The CPS would come.


A friend makes a claim that clashes with your current beliefs. What is your inward and outward reaction?
I’d try to discuss my perspective as calmly as I possibly can. He’ll either sigh in disgust, or try to lighten the mood and silence the discussion. Same goes for every time I’ve ever opened my mouth. I’ve since learned to avoid it.


Describe your relationship to society. How do you see people as a whole? What do you consider a prevalent social problem? Name one.
Society wants to cull me off like a rat. I desire what society has to offer but spite them for their hostility towards me. I stand defenseless against a monolithic enemy.

I feel like a bug compared to other human beings. My emotions are savage to them, and their logical faculties dwarf my own. While I must constantly strain to present something that looks human, I know many of them could crush me with a single thought.


How do you choose your friends and how do you behave around them?



How do you behave around strangers?
I am my cringey self both inside and outside the home. It’s all I know how to be.