No. I want someone who is their own island, who invites me over to that island every once in a while as I do the same to them.Originally Posted by Time
I don't want someone who takes all their shit and puts it on my island and says "ok I'm here to stay."
After a while there becomes this understanding that the two islands are inseparable and joined as one.
I like the analogy. Quite like the thoughts of a mutual exchange of separate individuals who do not submit to each other mentally.
Please please please dump this guy TODAY. It doesn't matter that he can be sweet. Lots of guys are always sweet. He wants you to look like he likes, have a career that he approves of (for his benefit), have friends he approves of, be pure and angelic, etc. He wants you to have the same career as his Ex!!!! I beg you, this guy does nothing for you. The positive things you write about are not special, they are normal. You can have all that minus the controlling and disrespectful rest. PLEASE end this disaster of a relationship. <3@blackburry you're absolutely right. He doesn't see me as his equal, and there lies the problem. He wants to see me as his equal, but that doesn't happen over night, so it's stressing him out. This is why he desperately wanted me to join the military.
He and his ex wife met in the military. His ex was closer to his age, the same military rank as him, and made just as much money as him. He saw her as an equal, so, they did not face the same issues that we did (though, they had other issues). This is why he sometimes regrets leaving her, and even blames me for it(fuck that). This girl was his backbone. She even paid his mortgage. Basically, he wants me to have a stable career and to be more "on it" so he can be comfortable starting a life with me. I'm working on doing this for myself, regardless of him, but this is not going to happen over night. I'm not going to all of the sudden make 60,000 a year. He should have thought twice about this before trying to date a girl in her early 20's... WHILE he was fucking married. But you know, if we break up, he will probably still try to date young girls like me, and face the same issues over and over (unless she is in the military or whatever).
I have a client at work who is a medical doctor who said that she was in the same situation when she was younger and in college. She dated an older guy who seemed to father her and constantly get on her case. She got fed up and finally left him. Now she is finally successful and makes great money. If he had not tried to push his ways on her so much, they could have probably worked out.
“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.”
― Anais Nin
Now that I think about it, I guess I just look for someone who can pick me up when I fall and vice versa. I don't like the idea that if I ever fall, my partner isn't capable of picking me up. It feels incredibly relieving.
Like keeping each other on a shelf to be used when needed but with the dynamics of interest in each other as far as relationships go. A sort of minimal dependability.
I edited my previous post.
I once complained to her that, "I can't get a girlfriend until I'm 30, because by that time I'll have my act together and I'll be able to afford a girlfriend."
She told me, "you need to find someone who supports you and doesn't need you to hold her hand all the time."
While i was unemployed, she bought me dinner, drinks, invites me over etc. She knows I'm not a moocher and I'm working to get my act together so she doesn't mind giving me a hand sometimes, and she'll pay for the fun times we share. After I was fired from my first job she called me every day to see how I was doing and occassionally took me out.
Other times she'll call me on the phone asking for advice on how to get her deadbeat brother kicked out of her house so she could sell it instead of paying for him to survive. She'll ask for help moving things in and out of her new apartment, etc. Its really nice having her in my life even though she's rather emotionally flippant and barks at me when we get too close to each other. Still working on that part.
@Time
I have a friend back home who I expressed how awesome I think his relationship with his wife is. He was in a gang, was transporting guns for them and selling drugs until he met his wife. They had a kid, married when they were 17. He worked at the grocery store and they lived in their parents basement while she went to school. She got her degree and became a therapist or something, then started working. He quit the grocery store and went to school to become an EMT while she worked a job, supported him and took care of the kid. Now he's an EMT and she does what she does and they are currently trying to get a house together all while raising their kid.
Idunno, I think that's fucking awesome. They make a good team and they support one another. he complains about her all the time and talks about how he has to pretend to be interested in what she's doing and how they argue, but says that at the end of the day he still loves her very much and nothing would ever break them apart and they both know it.
I suspect he's SLE and she's LSI.
I suppose there's not much fortune cookie wisdom around at the moment. I had tended to be just as good with women as I am with men. Chlorella supplements help for things.
Yeah, dude. No.
I was thinking of instinct stacking "conflictors" and "duals" instead of the benefit/ supervisor ring. I find sx/sos energy the most abrasive, but I guess you're right about the imbalance because they don't seem AS aseffected by me.
Here's my theory below (Supervisor > Supervisee) . I wonder if it matches with yours?
Sp/Sx > So/Sp > Sx/So > Sp/Sx >
Sx/Sp > So/Sx > Sp/So > Sx/Sp >
I can identify with wanting a strong partner but I can't identify with his reasons why. Must be a difference between 7w8 and 8w9.
I used to say things that implied my ex was weak. Eventually I dumped her when I realized I was trying to make her into something she wasn't. She'd say something like, "you're too good for me" and i'd say, "you start thinking that, it'll become true." She secretly hated when I said stuff like that. Basically what it felt like I was doing was picking her up by the armpits and standing her onto her own two feet and she'd fall back down cuz she had no fucking self confidence. Most of the time the relationship felt like I was dragging a limp body behind me the whole time. She was a special case though. I was really tough on her but she was also legit crazy. Idunno if that clears some things up.
It's funny that he calls you weak, yet he can't get his shit together, loses his license, and acts like a juvenile frat boy (I wonder why he doesn't have friends?!). You are not weaker than him. You have a career, goals, and friends and everything will come together because of your decisions! He does NOTHING for you. The growth during your relationship happened IN SPITE OF being belittled, disrespected, and patronized. He is a delusional and self-important baby. He didn't create anything.
Last edited by Kim; 01-30-2013 at 02:59 AM.
“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.”
― Anais Nin
Starfall I want to yell at him.
Seriously I don't care how big he is, I want to take him on. Jesus fucking christ what a loser.
Another red flad: women his own age won't date him... Reason for that: he's a whiney, delusional bitch.
Stop going back to him.no matter how many times he calls or stalks, just break it off. Cold turkey.
Yeah seriously
+10000 to this, get away from this disgusting, abusive asshole. Sounds like an immature control freak.
But, for a certainty, back then,
We loved so many, yet hated so much,
We hurt others and were hurt ourselves...
Yet even then, we ran like the wind,
Whilst our laughter echoed,
Under cerulean skies...
Sounds very twistedHe blames all of my recent success on himself. Says that I wouldn't have a such nice body, would still be antisocial, weak, and still act like a little girl. He says that now that I want to leave him, some other guy will get to enjoy what he created (HE ACTUALLY SAID THAT). First of all, when I had met him I was just recovering from a very dark place, hence the frail body and unconfident behavior. Since I was recovered, I would have gained weight on my own. I also "blossomed into a confident women" because I'm fucking older now, and have a career which forces me to have balls. I blame none of my recent successes on him. The only thing I can honestly say that he helped me with was my résumé.
He sounds like a lesbian to me.
Wait, and you are in a relationship with this guy? He sounds like a fucking narcissist, not in a sense of being self-involved but in a sense of having full blown personality disorder. I've dated a guy of this type back when I didn't know any better. He did the same thing as things progressed further - trying to credit my accomplishments to himself and also blame his faults on me. Come to think of it, it was a very similar story to yours - some of my friends were telling me to dump the guy, that he is no good, but I didn't listen to them. I didn't believe them, because he was countering all their advice, doing everything in his power so that I would stay with him. Narcissists are often very skilled at manipulation (because that's the only way anyone would stick with them) - when you try to separate, they make you believe that they love you, and they are going to change, saying whatever it takes to get back together, but then they continue with these Jekyll-and-Hyde transformations, showering you with praises and gifts one moment and treating you as an object that is to be molded to his liking the next. What the guy needs is counseling so that he can get his shit together, because it's not you, it's him, and he is projecting his own issues and failings onto you.
If you want to read more about it, there is this website dedicated the subject of NPD that was written by someone who knows what it's like form the insider pov. This is what your boyfriend is doing:
On the ideal partner of a narcissist - this could be why your boyfriend is going out of his way trying demean you over small things (like that dial):The narcissist ... consumes the narcissistic supply flowing through these human conduits of his own making. Such a narcissist is likely to use sentences like "I made him", "He was nothing before he met me", "He is my creation", "She learned everything she knows from me and at my expense", and so on.
...
Using the same compelling procedures, he drives his mates, spouse, partners, colleagues, children, or co-workers into collaborating in the expression of the repressed side of his personality. At the same time, he negates their vague suspicion that their personality has been replaced by his when committing these acts.
The narcissist can, thus, derive, vicariously, through the lives of others, the Narcissistic Supply that he so craves. He induces in his army of zombies criminal, romantic, or heroic, impulses. He makes them travel far and fast, breach all norms, gamble against all odds, fear none – in short: he transforms them into that which he could never be.
Usually, they choose for partners submissive women whom they disdain for being well below their intellectual level. This leads to a vicious cycle of neediness and self-contempt (“How come I am dependent on this inferior woman”). Hence the abuse. When Primary NS is available, the woman is hardly tolerated, as one would reluctantly pay the premium of an insurance policy.
...
He humiliates his partner until she leaves him and, thus, proves that she is assertive and autonomous. Then, of course, he idealizes her and wants her back.
...
Moreover, the narcissist himself is unlikely to cultivate a long-term relationship with a psychologically healthy, independent, and mature woman. He seeks her dependence within a relationship of superiority and inferiority (teacher-student, guru-disciple, idol-admirer, therapist-patient, doctor-patient, father-daughter, adult-adolescent or young girl, etc.). (<-- in other words they seek unequal relationships with younger girls whom they can 'build up')
I think you're feeling 'supervised' because he is trying to create an unequal relationship with you due to his own emotional needs. The instincts are a minor factor here, which probably contribute in him feeling superior to yourself. There isn't a dedicated article addressing this, however. I've included a section on about the instinct flow theory here. This theory basically states that the instincts are locked into two rings (syn and contra flow) and relate in a certain way to each other, that, in my experience, are just as important as the socionics intertype relations. The instinct relations haven't been studied in detail, so I just wrote down some stuff from past discussions and my own impressions.
That's the oneIt isn't my theory - it has been around for.. I dunno how long. Numbers posted about it back years ago on this forum, but it didn't gather many replies back then. It was also discussed on EIDB. Only thing I did was publicize this in the above article and recognize that the reverse stacking orient in opposing directions and exert opposing influences from one another.
I think for all unhealthy relationships, that's the way to go. They are just too good at sucking you back in if you let them.
“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.”
― Anais Nin
Its age difference. He's more " mature". And when he said that he " molded" you, he may have been right. Being with him strengthen your se and ti, just like how he said with you he's more calm and nicer and more tolerant which is due to your Fe and ni.
Last edited by Leader; 02-01-2013 at 01:54 AM.
Most likely satisfying himself with other women. That's what I would do...made him wait for 2 years...I know how I would feel. Infps are....I give up on them and their bullshit.
Behind every asshole estp there is a infp/infps that fucked him over and broke his heart with their irrationality.
Oh? Then if it was some other infp who said that, then I apologize to you. But I stand by what I said, even if it wasn't you.
But I'm sure it was you that time when you said he tolerates your mood swings, etc. Same shit applies. We can only tolerate so much.
*ahem* from the description he isn't more "mature" than she is.
anyways. hope you're joking.
Sounds like he is. And what description? From her point of view? I'm not joking.
This can't be explained away with socionics.
You're an idiot if you think his behavior is okay.
Starfall, give this baffoon his number. they'd make a great couple. You, however, can do far better.
Lol insulting me in your post doesn't make you right, because you're not. And I'm certain she's doing/not doing something to irritate him. She's not innocent, nobody is.
He's seeking attention and approval; it's an introverted thing to do to place one's ego at the center of things and say things to reaffirm the ego.
-
Dual type(as per tcaudilllg)
Enneagram 5 (wings either 4 or 6)?
I'm constantly looking to align the real with the ideal.I've been more oriented toward being overly idealistic by expecting the real to match the ideal. My thinking side is dominent. The result is that sometimes I can be overly impersonal or self-centered in my approach, not being understanding of others in the process and simply thinking "you should do this" or "everyone should follor this rule"..."regardless of how they feel or where they're coming from"which just isn't a good attitude to have. It is a way, though, to give oneself an artificial sense of self-justification. LSE
Best description of functions:
http://socionicsstudy.blogspot.com/2...functions.html
Dude there are like ten thousand better threads to troll than this one. Reel your sexist nihilism back in and rub some vaseline on that asshole.
But, for a certainty, back then,
We loved so many, yet hated so much,
We hurt others and were hurt ourselves...
Yet even then, we ran like the wind,
Whilst our laughter echoed,
Under cerulean skies...
Oh please. Get over yourself.
But, for a certainty, back then,
We loved so many, yet hated so much,
We hurt others and were hurt ourselves...
Yet even then, we ran like the wind,
Whilst our laughter echoed,
Under cerulean skies...
Well no shit nobody's innocent. But nobody with a fucking soul takes credit for some else's success, unless they actually literally made it happen with their own two hands. This dude can't have made Starfall good at her job, and he's a douche for trying to "mold" her to his vision, getting her all dolled out and shit.
But, for a certainty, back then,
We loved so many, yet hated so much,
We hurt others and were hurt ourselves...
Yet even then, we ran like the wind,
Whilst our laughter echoed,
Under cerulean skies...
No, it's not type-related.
“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.”
― Anais Nin
He's a pretty abusive individual, you should leave him. There are many many other SLE's out there who are not going to do this to you(and many who are just like this).
Best part is that guy even looks like you. SLE mature puppy.
I'm re-reading through this and other people's comments on emotionally abusive relationships just after having completely a pain in the ass assignment for potentially a new job. I worked my ass off over 4 days on a report about economic ecology to showcase my analytical skills to a potential employer.
The situation involved a system of a central hub and two satellites during a global recession. The central hub and one satellite were capable of autonomous growth while the remaining satellite was not. The report basically reviewed different courses of actions that could be made in the organization to remedy the eventual decline in net worth of the decaying satellite before it hit bankruptcy.
There were five potential relationships that could be formed:
- mutually constructive (both entities grow as a result of encounters) >> modeling integration of resources
- mutually destructive (both entities decay as a result of encounters) >> modeling interference or disruption
- one entity grows at the decay of the other entity (2 possibilities here)
- no relationship is established
after spending so much time thinking about this I've determined that there is simply no benefit to forming long term relationships where any entity decays. About the only use for doing so is to temporarily save decaying entities, but such a course of action if executed improperly can lead to the demise of both entities, and even then the establishment of mutual constructivity always poses the best advantage in the long run.
THIS IS WHY I THINK WOMEN should sometimes see there rejection of men as part of a larger process of tipping the scales in fortunes favor. There can be very nice ways to turn someone down and women shouldn't be responsible for the happiness of men. There is such thing as a "coup de grace", especially in circumstances where relationships lead to mutual decay, isolation is far superior. If a person can't autonomously generate their own happiness, they could potentially not only be the architect of their own demise but the architect of the demise of those entities which try to support them.
The only relations that pay off in the long term are mutually constructive ones, and sometimes the best way to guide a person towards autonomously generating their own happiness is to not allow them to leech off others. Many people will take the compassion of others for granted, and thus over time such relationships can lead to mutual decay of happiness.
Just be smart, think of the big picture and how the relationships people form effect that.
yes, wtf, everyone is like this. Being a Rational helps you pull through this sort of crap easier. You don't just react to your boredom, you strive for something you want to see happening.
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