My ESFp cousin

[Ave]

My cousin is Fi-ESFp, and we go back a long way. I was pratcically a brother to her growing up and I was her childhood hero. But I moved to the United states away from Belgium for thirteen years. When i came back she was the first person to contact me. But after going out and partying with her friends a few times, it felt like she withdrew from me. We stopped contacting each other and only saw each other at Xmas and other family reunions which is like once or twice a year.

Some time ago, I wrote her a letter explaining how I felt she had ditched me and tried to explain to her my problem with her etc. She responded nicely, saying she was "sorry for the unwanted hurt she had caused me all these years". Yet I still had a hard time reaching out to her like I was the one who had to contact her all the time and it felt like she had no real desire to be with me as friends.

She judges everyone she meets and tends to be overly judgmental, pointing out everyone's flaws, though not to their faces but behind their backs. The point, is she tends to ditch everyone and has no sense of stability in her relations with people; this might be due to her POLR, lack of loyalty etc. I've noticed ESFps tend to have this problem. But here shes real nice to me face to face not just with words but with actions...but only at family reunions like at my granma's funeral last December. We get along well, when we are actually together, but it seems like she sees no potential in our relationship, which is true to her negativistic views on people.

What I wanna know is why does she refuse to have a relationship with me? Not a romantic one I mean, friendship. Its like we live so close to each other too its too bad not to see each other, but again its like she doesnt see this. At first I thought she hated me, but she told me that she felt quiet the opposite. So I dont get it. Maybe she doesnt wanna be with me, but no matter how much I probe her she doesnt tell me why. She once told me I dont take good enough care of my appearnce and would be scared if she crossed me on the street. Lol. But it doesnt seem like thats the problem, seems like she advances reasons as to why Im not enough for a relationship with her, then if I follow those rules shell change them and find some other reason not to hang out with me. In otherwords, she fucking hates me, though she being INTp's dual cant admit to strong feelings like that etc. Maybe. Or maybe not. I wonder what she has against me, or against us hanging out.

Can anyone share their insight on this? As you can tell her behavior is pretty confusing, but Im hoping someone could shed some light on this? Maybe from a gamma's perspective? im wondering what all of you(and not only the gammas) think about this.

[Bardia]

This sounds somewhat similar to my experience with an SEE. We were good friends and for no apparent reason the SEE withdrew from me on several occasions for a while. He would be friendly but we would not hang out much like we normally would. I would ask why and get no real reason. Nothing I did and not a dislike of me (at least that the SEE would admit). The SEE did it again but I did not approach him again about it but let it be to see what he might do and he didn't really attempt to fix or correct it. My response was just to fully terminate the friendship rather than be satisfied with a distant friendship he created. Basically, I have no advice because I don't understand it either.

[Ave]

Weird huh? Worse part is, I couldnt even break it off because when I refused to say hi to her at a family reunion, it seemed like everyone turned against me. Of course now I dont see my mom's side of the family much anymore so I might as well break it off since I really dont need her(though for the longest time it seemed like she was my only passport to socializtaion) and dont see her anyways.

[redbaron]

honestly I can't deal with people like that. I don't understand them and can't even seem to wrap my head around why they would behave that way. I would just let it go. It's sad but sometimes that's all you can do.

[Cyrano]

honestly I can't deal with people like that. I don't understand them and can't even seem to wrap my head around why they would behave that way. I would just let it go. It's sad but sometimes that's all you can do.

I do this, even to my good friends. I guess I just figure they have better things to do so I won't bother them. I know it's not right.

Does she go out with you when you initiate contact? Just be direct. Have her out for a beer and tell her that she owes you the next one and that you feel left out when she doesn't call. Some of us need prodding.

[Ave]

Yeah she does respond when I initiate contact, but its always me who has to do the contacting. idk maybe she does need "prodding", as you put it, but it just makes me kinda mad at her and I feel like she doesnt deserve I initiate contact with her, because I honestly dont know if shes just trying to be nice to me because she feels sorry for ditching me or whether she really wants to be with me after all.

[redbaron]

when things consistently don't work out and I end up feeling bad, like I'm the one doing all the work then guess what. the relationship dies. I don't have time in my life for that nonsense. I would remain open to things changing in the future, but my attempts to "make" them change, would end pretty quickly in that situation.