Breaking up with your dual

[LostinTime]

Well, I've tried to break up with a dual multiple times, but we both ended up coming back. I realized that despite things not feeling right (caused by outside circumstances), I still needed him. I know he feels the same. He doesn't understand why he just can't just walk away.

We agree that we both have a connection that neither of us has ever really had before. It’s addictive to the point of where we call each other crack. The chemistry is always awesome. He claims that no one has ever kissed him the same, and he's scared he will never find that again.... sometimes I wonder the same. Still, I can't get rid of that nagging feeling that we need a few months of space. The only problem is that every time we try to separate he starts calling me multiple times daily. He says he does it because he’s scared that I'll be snatched up by someone else. -__-

Hmm, sounds like what happened with myself, except I ended up being the one to walk away from the relationship about two years ago. We've been friends on and off since then. Somehow I always find myself calling him up every few months to see what he's been up to. We'll lose touch for so long but always end up getting back in contact eventually. Sometimes I wonder if it's best to lose contact altogether, but then I don't see the point in breaking off a perfectly good, albeit sporadic, friendship. He didn't get involved with anyone else after me until about a month ago. He's still very much obviously in love with me and to this day hints that we should maybe try "working it out" again even though he is with someone new now. It makes me feel uncomfortable and it makes me want to shift subjects. But, sometimes I do wonder if I'll find the same connection with anyone else again.

[thePirate]

So, the whole "ending a relationship" process is difficult enough as it is but many people say that breaking up with a dual is the same process except somewhat amplified because you have to let go of a rare and special kind of connection that you may not have ever shared with someone before. Has anyone had the experience of breaking up with a dual? And, even after years have passed, somehow did you always end up comparing whoever came along to the dual and never really get that same emotional fulfillment? Basically, you're over what happened but never completely over that person, I guess.

I know this could happen with any "ex" you were especially attached to, dual or not. But, I'm talking about the intensity with which it happens - so much time has passed yet you're still kind of stuck on them and no one else quite compares. You try to keep an open heart and an open mind, but somehow just cannot get out of the predicament?

It seems like mental masturbation for the most part, the idea of duality makes it so these sort of thoughts propagate a person's mind when no prior knowledge of a type relation may have made it a mild or regular run-of-the-mill breakup. There is very little that duality itself should amplify, as all duality implies are favorable communicative channels - similar goals, views, things that really draws you into a person, thats the stuff that makes a breakup especially difficult which is outside the realm of socionics.

[Beautiful sky]

So, the whole "ending a relationship" process is difficult enough as it is but many people say that breaking up with a dual is the same process except somewhat amplified because you have to let go of a rare and special kind of connection that you may not have ever shared with someone before. Has anyone had the experience of breaking up with a dual? And, even after years have passed, somehow did you always end up comparing whoever came along to the dual and never really get that same emotional fulfillment? Basically, you're over what happened but never completely over that person, I guess.

I know this could happen with any "ex" you were especially attached to, dual or not. But, I'm talking about the intensity with which it happens - so much time has passed yet you're still kind of stuck on them and no one else quite compares. You try to keep an open heart and an open mind, but somehow just cannot get out of the predicament?

A relationship with a dual enhances and improves who you are; they let you be you and do what you do best because that's the only way you can improve the diad, that relationship. So, when you break up with a dual you actually may go back to being a slave to society's expectations of who you "should" be rather that who you are (who you ARE in your dual pair may not always be in sink with society's expectations because society is comprised of whatever type that exists in greater numbers because majority, unfortunately, change the face of what is viewed as "appropriate" and "acceptable" and types either adapt or adjust to society). What am I getting at? You become more wanting to give your self, the very you who is created, realized, accepted, and improved in duality (when you were actually in the dual relationship) and yes while you may find yourself naturally wanting what you *thought* was better (because I don't really know if you were in a dual pair or not), you may also just want more of the same thing that you had.

What doesn't quite compare to duality no matter who they were and what special feelings you may have for any ex that is only found in duality is the ability to use your once thought of weaknesses as strengths in the relationship, believe it or not. That makes you feel great and worthy. The kind of support you get for who you are as a person in a dual pair is unmatch by a relationship of any type, even those who periodically use their insights through their psyche of you, to give you special remarks and uplift yourself and make you feel good about who you are.

It's hard letting go of a relationship that means so much, however, letting go of duality isn't any harder; it's just way different because of the way the relationship makes you who you are and the way it corrects your previous neurosis and mental stigma that you may have about yourself from the past, from others, from society's expectations, etc.

[Leader]

World Population: 6,981,347,471 and counting

6,981,347,471/16=436334216

Approximately that many duals in the world. Get over it.

[Beautiful sky]

World Population: 6,981,347,471 and counting

6,981,347,471/16=436334216

Approximately that many duals in the world. Get over it.

You didn't factor the disproportionate distribution of types; everything in nature is in disproportion due to dominant and recessive traits, so are human beings.

[Leader]

I wasn't being serious with the estimation, what im saying is, there are millions of people out there. People are just selfish to think that there's one true soul-mate somewhere in the world waiting for them.

[Beautiful sky]

I wasn't being serious with the estimation, what im saying is, there are millions of people out there. People are just selfish to think that there's one true soul-mate somewhere in the world waiting for them.

Isn't it more selfish to think that there are tons of people out there JUST for you?

[Nowisthetime]

I have broken up with a dual once. It wasn't even a serious relationship, but whatever it was it lasted 6 months.

I've noticed that duality always changes the perspective from what we're used to. It was not that I missed her when it was over, it was more like I missed a part of MYSELF. It was a new experience and I can imagine how difficult a breakup would be from a long and deep relationship.

[Eye of the Potato]

It seems like mental masturbation for the most part, the idea of duality makes it so these sort of thoughts propagate a person's mind when no prior knowledge of a type relation may have made it a mild or regular run-of-the-mill breakup. There is very little that duality itself should amplify, as all duality implies are favorable communicative channels - similar goals, views, things that really draws you into a person, thats the stuff that makes a breakup especially difficult which is outside the realm of socionics.

I came across my dual long before I heard about duality. Without knowing anything about Socionics, I knew this was no run of the mill relationship. It was something I felt deep in my bones. It doesn't matter if someone knows about Socionics or not, they will know in their bones if they have broken up with a dual. It's like a siren going off inside you. The loudest siren you've ever heard, rips and twists your heart and guts. It doesn't feel like a regular break up, where you feel a bit sad and have a little cry. It feels like the end of the world.

[Eye of the Potato]

World Population: 6,981,347,471 and counting

6,981,347,471/16=436334216

Approximately that many duals in the world. Get over it.

By my calculations there are about 90,000 duals in my age range, but about 2/3rd of them live in China. If duals were needles, they'd be tricky to find in a haystack of 7 billion people.

[ScarlettLux]

This all sounds terribly romantic to me. Hehe.

But to Eye of Potato - I felt like it was the end of the world when my current bf and I broke up for 2 months. But that's because I'm crazy. Wow, I hate to imagine myself breaking up with an actual Dual though... oh God

[Leader]

Isn't it more selfish to think that there are tons of people out there JUST for you?

Never said that. Nobody is ever "JUST RIGHT' for you, each individual is unique in their on way. So there is no reason to think that you'd never find someone else like that again or even "better".

[Leader]

By my calculations there are about 90,000 duals in my age range, but about 2/3rd of them live in China. If duals were needles, they'd be tricky to find in a haystack of 7 billion people.

By your calculations you are wrong, because as long as you're 18, or 16 in some countries,or even younger in others, that's old enough. Age shouldn't matter as much, and location doesn't matter at all. They are duals. They are "magical".

[Leader]

6,981,347,471 people in the world, and agee has yet to be deflowered.

That's nice.

[LostinTime]

That doesn't make me feel much better about my situation.

Why not try again? What lead you to break it off in the first place? Outside circumstances that had nothing to do with duality?

You should feel good about your situation because you didn't walk away like I did. Duality isn't easy to come by, so hold on while you can If I could do everything over again, I would have stayed with him like you did. I would have never left. But, now I feel as though it's past the point of no return. And yes, external factors were what led to the breakup

[thePirate]

I came across my dual long before I heard about duality. Without knowing anything about Socionics, I knew this was no run of the mill relationship. It was something I felt deep in my bones. It doesn't matter if someone knows about Socionics or not, they will know in their bones if they have broken up with a dual. It's like a siren going off inside you. The loudest siren you've ever heard, rips and twists your heart and guts. It doesn't feel like a regular break up, where you feel a bit sad and have a little cry. It feels like the end of the world.

What about other people who have felt the same way about people who weren't their duals, who felt that same intensity of breaking up, of connectedness, and felt strongly that the other was 'the one'? I've seen intense feelings like these in a couple of break-ups, and those couples weren't duals. The idea that this sort of relationship is exclusive to a certain 'type' of person is part of the whole 'socionics illusion' that people buy into, and later end up getting upset over. There are certain elements that loosely correlate to favorable relations, that make it conducive for such conditions, but it doesn't directly correlate. Buy into the fantasy at your own risk.

[Kim]

What about other people who have felt the same way about people who weren't their duals, who felt that same intensity of breaking up, of connectedness, and felt strongly that the other was 'the one'? I've seen intense feelings like these in a couple of break-ups, and those couples weren't duals. The idea that this sort of relationship is exclusive to a certain 'type' of person is part of the whole 'socionics illusion' that people buy into, and later end up getting upset over. There are certain elements that loosely correlate to favorable relations, that make it conducive for such conditions, but it doesn't directly correlate. Buy into the fantasy at your own risk.

I agree. I had this feeling when I broke up with an ILI, but not with my dual (although that was painful, too). I don't think it has anything to do with duality. Duality is more effortless than other relationships, but emotional intensity is not type-related.

[Eye of the Potato]

What about other people who have felt the same way about people who weren't their duals, who felt that same intensity of breaking up, of connectedness, and felt strongly that the other was 'the one'? I've seen intense feelings like these in a couple of break-ups, and those couples weren't duals. The idea that this sort of relationship is exclusive to a certain 'type' of person is part of the whole 'socionics illusion' that people buy into, and later end up getting upset over. There are certain elements that loosely correlate to favorable relations, that make it conducive for such conditions, but it doesn't directly correlate. Buy into the fantasy at your own risk.

I get what you're saying. It's a hard thing to quantify. I remember as a teenager, my conflictor dumped me, and I thought it was the end of the world. But later I realised I was much better off without him. I look at him now and wonder what I ever saw in him. I don't think that will ever happen with my dual, and I think that is the difference. It's like when I broke my arm as a kid, I thought that pain was bad, but it was nothing compared to childbirth. Get what I mean?

[Birdie]

Could you offer tips on how to successfully end a relationship
with a dual Maritsa?

[Eye of the Potato]

By your calculations you are wrong, because as long as you're 18, or 16 in some countries,or even younger in others, that's old enough. Age shouldn't matter as much, and location doesn't matter at all. They are duals. They are "magical".

Not old enough for me. I couldn't imagine dating a foreigner either. Communication would be too much of a chore. I want to be with someone who gets my jokes the first time around. That narrows it down a bit more for me.

[Eye of the Potato]

By your calculations you are wrong, because as long as you're 18, or 16 in some countries,or even younger in others, that's old enough. Age shouldn't matter as much, and location doesn't matter at all. They are duals. They are "magical".

Not old enough for me. I couldn't imagine dating a foreigner either. Communication would be too much of a chore. I want to be with someone who gets my jokes the first time around. That narrows it down a bit more for me.

[Suz]

I have broken up with a dual once. It wasn't even a serious relationship, but whatever it was it lasted 6 months.

I've noticed that duality always changes the perspective from what we're used to. It was not that I missed her when it was over, it was more like I missed a part of MYSELF. It was a new experience and I can imagine how difficult a breakup would be from a long and deep relationship.

YES, been there a couple times now... exactly what you described above... in both cases was some degree of a connection but not actually a serious relationship, and yet profoundly affected me in certain ways that will always remain a part of me for life. And yes, what makes it so hard is missing that part of myself that was inside the dual... SO well said, I couldn't have put it better myself! And likewise i cant imagine how painful losing a dual (whether intentionally or not) would be after an involved serious relationship with them. It's too painful to even think about.

[jessica129]

That's why you never put all your eggs in one basket, keep options open, don't have expectations and be independent. That helps me bounce back...its still painful tho

[Beautiful sky]

Could you offer tips on how to successfully end a relationship
with a dual Maritsa?

Why would you want to?
Without an answer to this question, I would say that if you value yourself, keep your dual as a friend. You need them for good moral/emotional support.

Never said that. Nobody is ever "JUST RIGHT' for you, each individual is unique in their on way. So there is no reason to think that you'd never find someone else like that again or even "better".

I know you didn't say that. My phrase was an example of someone who is selfish.

[jessica129]

I don't like feeling that out of control and knowing someone else holds so many things over me.
I mean I can do it, but it has to be a really special person. I often see people expecting so much from their partner and holding them responsible for their happiness or lack of and that's pretty dangerous.

[Eye of the Potato]

I don't like feeling that out of control and knowing someone else holds so many things over me.
I mean I can do it, but it has to be a really special person. I often see people expecting so much from their partner and holding them responsible for their happiness or lack of and that's pretty dangerous.

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

[jessica129]

I fight it entirely too much mainly because I don't know wth you're supposed to do when you feel those feelings for someone. I need help. I need a relationships for dummies book or something. Like for real. I'm either way too cold or way too pushy. Being yourself doesn't work, let's be honest.

[Eye of the Potato]

Falling in love is a scary feeling. Your try to fight it, but it ends up winning in the end.

That video made me want to get naked and spend the day in bed with my dual. Ah heaven!

[Absurd]

[Kim]

Maybe we should split this thread as not to completely derail it?

[Kim]

Re: duality, I think different quadras experience duality differently. IEI and SLE will have a more "intense" relationship than IEE and SLI. When my dual and I broke up, I felt like I was losing "my home" (not in the literal sense) or my anchor or something. I have dated an IEI and it was a rush. So I think it's not duality, but the constellation of types. Or something like that.

[Eye of the Potato]

Re: duality, I think different quadras experience duality differently. IEI and SLE will have a more "intense" relationship than IEE and SLI. When my dual and I broke up, I felt like I was losing "my home" (not in the literal sense) or my anchor or something. I have dated an IEI and it was a rush. So I think it's not duality, but the constellation of types. Or something like that.

Well my experience with my SLI was very intense. It was intense for him too. He said he didn't know what love was til I came along. I feel the same way. I can't help but get the feeling, you haven't experienced it yet. Sorry if that might piss you off, but it's what I think and I'm just putting it out there.

[Kim]

Well my experience with my SLI was very intense. It was intense for him too. He said he didn't know what love was til I came along. I feel the same way. I can't help but get the feeling, you haven't experienced it yet. Sorry if that might piss you off, but it's what I think and I'm just putting it out there.

I doesn't piss me off, but you shouldn't assume. I maintain that experiencing intense feeling has nothing to do with duality. Socionics is not about emotions, it's about compatibility. I am happy for you that you found who you believe to be your dual and that you are happy. My partner is not my dual, but he is amazing and smart and he makes me laugh and supports me and is proud of me (and I of him). Socionics helps me make sense of the friction that occurs that was not there with my dual and we have come up with strategies to work around functional incompatibilities. The intensity of our feelings has nothing to do with Socionics. I really don't grant Socionics that much power.

[Leader]

Couldn't have said it any better.

[Eye of the Potato]

I doesn't piss me off, but you shouldn't assume. I maintain that experiencing intense feeling has nothing to do with duality. Socionics is not about emotions, it's about compatibility. I am happy for you that you found who you believe to be your dual and that you are happy. My partner is not my dual, but he is amazing and smart and he makes me laugh and supports me and is proud of me (and I of him). Socionics helps me make sense of the friction that occurs that was not there with my dual and we have come up with strategies to work around functional incompatibilities. The intensity of our feelings has nothing to do with Socionics. I really don't grant Socionics that much power.

I didn't assume anything. I said I can't help but get the feeling you haven't experienced duality. Having a feeling about something, isn't the same thing as assuming something. It's an intuition, a feeling I get from reading your posts.

You speak about Socionics as some kind of religion that can have power over you. It's not. It's a theory that came about when observations were made about human interaction.

[glam]

Maybe we should split this thread as not to completely derail it?

derailed posts split to a new thread: http://www.the16types.info/vbulletin...-a-dual-quot-)

[Absurd]

Who is the Fi dual and who is the Ti dual?

[shapeofthings]

I would feel bad. I would be sick from not just being able to be around him and not touching and just in the sheer physical proximity. It's like an addiction, I just like being there, next to him, and touching him, in his physical presence. It feels so wrong not to be able to do that. And after all this time it doesn't feel like it's going away at all, it's simply always been there. We're always talking about this as well, "Why do I like kissing you so much" and "Why are you smiling" (we're being goofy and just looking at each other and smiling at each other like idiots). He says I have a half-smile that he adores (I don't know what it is or what it looks like because I sure as hell do not do it consciously and don't know what he's talking about) and his smile makes me smile or maybe it's just him.

I dunno but it feels like I just can't be without it. Like I am addicted to this bit right here. I just love his physical proximity, dot. Maybe it's a pheromone thing and not a dual thing or whatever.

Maybe it's just love and not a dual thing.

I have this horrible feeling fear at my gut that what if this isn't going to work out, fuck, this will hurt.

[jessica129]

I would feel bad. I would be sick from not just being able to be around him and not touching and just in the sheer physical proximity. It's like an addiction, I just like being there, next to him, and touching him, in his physical presence. It feels so wrong not to be able to do that. And after all this time it doesn't feel like it's going away at all, it's simply always been there. We're always talking about this as well, "Why do I like kissing you so much" and "Why are you smiling" (we're being goofy and just looking at each other and smiling at each other like idiots). He says I have a half-smile that he adores (I don't know what it is or what it looks like because I sure as hell do not do it consciously and don't know what he's talking about) and his smile makes me smile or maybe it's just him.

I dunno but it feels like I just can't be without it. Like I am addicted to this bit right here. I just love his physical proximity, dot. Maybe it's a pheromone thing and not a dual thing or whatever.

Maybe it's just love and not a dual thing.

I have this horrible feeling fear at my gut that what if this isn't going to work out, fuck, this will hurt.

This right here is almost the exact reason I don't want to be in love again....ever...but I can't help myself. It's so dangerous. It's awful.