Not Attracted to my Duals
Is this normal.
I have been watching a lot of videos of of SLI celebrities how could I ever marry one?
Out of all the SLI interviews I have seen there was only one that made me think to my self "She's cool I can relate to her, I can see myself with someone like her"
Duals tend to overlook each other and view each other as uninteresting persons in the beginning. But they often grow on each other on prolonged social contact. The first contact is often somewhat awkward.
According to the standard intros to socionics on the web, anyway.
Last edited by ragnar; 05-31-2009 at 01:36 PM. Reason: formatting
Greetings, ragnar
ILI knowledge-seeker
duality is rather an experience. Feeling liberated, free, understood, having found your soulmate, and feeling protected.Originally Posted by ProcrastinateTomorrow
You don't get that by watching video's. At least be in the same room with them! You get duality by having your dual around at close psychological distance, meaning dating them, or having close/personal interaction at the workfloor / school etc.
That's not true Movies and Music can make people feel lots of different emotions so why can't a person experience duality through video?
An interview is even more raw and honest that a movie.
Maybe you're not IEE?
As an aside, what you just said there made me think "wtf?"
Conversation is in my opinion the only true avenue to discovering how you interact and experience someone. Watching someone talk to an interviewer (who is most likely also a stranger, not to mention their type) with a list of canned-questions isn't going to tell you anything real about anyone!
Sorry for sounding rude, but this sounds ridiculous. How could you possibly feel genuine emotions for a celebrity that you've never met? That's silly, what you really want to do is see your relations with SiTe in your actual life, as well as other types. I don't think you're going about this the right way, because you also shouldn't consider marriage with someone just because some personality hypothesis that you may or may not have a full understanding of says that you have the best relation with another person. There's other stuff in life to look at, like physical attraction, shared interests, the things they do or say to you regardless of type, how you actually feel, etc.
In the end, you also might want to brush up on the functions and see if you have yourself typed correctly, and also if you're typing others correctly. For me, SiTe have always stood out and I've felt a special rhythm of conversation when I'm with them. I'd say look back and see if you have the basics right and rethink how you use socionics.
Once again people misunderstand me i'm not very good at explaining myself.
This isn't about feelings, dislike, like, it's about the comfort I feel when I watch an interview.
Example
When I watched that interview I felt disgust when she would smiles or bat her eyes I feel uncomfortable. Conclusion what ever function she is using is off putting.
Example
Now watching this interview I feel comfortable her voice is quite loud but other than that she seems pretty cool.
Conclusion what ever functions she is using I feel comfortable with.
I hope I have explained myself well enough.
I think the point is you shouldn't be using these celebrities as any sort of landmark without how you interact with SiTe... Because you're not interacting with them. They might not even be SiTe (but I have a biased opinion, I don't like the fad of typing celebrities) and you're not experiencing anything. Here is a quote from your OP:
How else is one supposed to take this other than you've been questioning the "marriage material" of a personality type off of videos of people you will most likely never meet or know, and find qualities that might not have anything to do with SiTe to be unattractive to you?
The point: Try finding (accurately) typed SiTe people (assuming you're actually NeFi) offline that you can interact with at your own will, and judge from there, taking into consideration non-type related factors that could sway your opinion.
That's not exactly practical and more importantly how do I know who is an SLI.
I figured If I observed SLI's in action Ie: Interviews.
I would be able to identify them in the outside would I would call myself the most social person when I meet people I almost immediately know whether I will have anything to do with that person again.
I don't want my time on people I don't connect with. I will decide whether a person deserves to become my friend.
I have people that I know they invite me out sometimes I always turn them don't I don't like them I don't enjoy there company so why waste my energy.
I would rather stay at home.
Actually it makes a little sense.
I've once read in a duality description that duals experience a period of frustration in their relationship when they notice how their dual interacts with others. This is because they've got an opposite personality and therefor approach people in a way you wouldn't do it yourself.
The great moments of duality are when you are interaction together instead of looking how your dual is interaction with another.
Really?
Because that makes a lot of sense in many of my past relationships that weren't necessarily dual. I must be a selfish bastard and I want to spend time with my GF. Isn't that how it's supposed to be?
Sorry if I come off preachy, but wow, your post really boggles my mind. Especially if you represent a demographic of people learning Socionics.
"Not practical"? Are you bride shopping online or something? In my personal view for my life, love and relationships come organically even when I'm looking. There's no active weeding people out and devoting all my attention in finding "the one." I think most people are like this, but I could be wrong. And how do you know who's SiTe? Sorry, again, this is harsh, but learn Socionics! If you learn the hypothesis and try applying it to offline relations, you'll soon find that you can type the people around you, and eventually, the world! If you want to devote that much time, that isBut really, look around, learn, and ask questions... There are many topics of people typing and recognizing types offline, and if you get to know the workings well enough, you can start doing it too.
The rest of your post... Well, to each their own
It was different for me. For me it was like a goal of mine to spend time with that one person, and that meant not learning to make new friends within that period of initiation. I guess it's a bad habit.
I would still be very nice to people I presume, but even the current friends I had I would dismiss them for another time. Assure them that I would be alright. Again, I guess this is a reference to Jarno's idea, but I'm not sure if it's mainly applicable to duals. I could see how it is though.
Sorry if I come off preachy, but wow, your post really boggles my mind. Especially if you represent a demographic of people learning Socionics.
"Not practical"? Are you bride shopping online or something? In my personal view for my life, love and relationships come organically even when I'm looking. There's no active weeding people out and devoting all my attention in finding "the one." I think most people are like this, but I could be wrong. And how do you know who's SiTe? Sorry, again, this is harsh, but learn Socionics! If you learn the hypothesis and try applying it to offline relations, you'll soon find that you can type the people around you, and eventually, the world! If you want to devote that much time, that is
The rest of your post... Well, to each their own
I don't trust myself. my parents made a bad decision with the marriage I don't want to do the same at the time they thought that they were right for each other.
Time said otherwise.
I have asked questions in the past everyone give what they think is the right answer.
My immediate reaction was the same as WWT and LTTS. Its far less practical trying to judge if you would love someone over the internet. That is something i find some INTj's doing for some reason.
It is very common to feel a bit funny around your dual. When i first started socionics i actually couldn't believe it, i thought i wanted someone emotional and very friendly. Your dual is quite foreign they are different to you in many ways. In fact quite often SLI's get to me in how they act and what they do. I basically see that as a sign that i need to change my perception of what the "perfect" relationship is.
How you say you don't trust yourself, indicates you need to have more faith in your Ego functions. Fi can easily measure how suited you are to your potential partner. I can understand you being reluctant about getting into relationships, ive always been the same but its because i know that 90% of relationships are crappy.
ENFp (Unsure of Subtype)
"And the day came when the risk it took to remain closed in a bud became more painful than the risk it took to blossom." - Anaïs Nin
But PT, when did this feeling come up about videos? Could it be you're just having this feeling towards all possibilities for love?
Seriously, I want you to post a video of the type you would be the happiest spending the rest of your life with, and you don't have to be extremely confident about it either. Just the type who seems the most likely thus far.
I have started watching LSE videos I usually watch about a minute or two of video but I can bring me self to shut the videos down they are far to interesting to listen to.
I think it's been said, and it's a reasonable train of thought I reckon, that when a person describes their ideal partner, it's pretty much an idealised version of their dual. Maybe, PT, you could describe your ideal partner and that would give some indication to what/who your socionics dual is?
I think when people with little experience describe their ideal partner, it is more of a mix of their ego elements and cultural upbringing, and what they end up with (ideally) is a relatively favourable relation.
But yeah... carry on.
I agree with this. I would (in the past) have probably described someone who was female, exactly like me and looked great in a skirt.
Yeah, in my adult life I was attracted to brash, outgoing guys. And I'd date them and I'd have basically the same relationship over and over, and it always fell apart. I wouldn't have put "quiet and reserved" on my list. BUT I did always say that I wanted to marry someone who was handy - a carpenter, an auto mechanic, etc. And my parents would get snobby and say that wasn't the "right type" for me to be looking for - I needed to marry "our kind of people" - as in someone whose profession requires a university education. But I never cared about that. So I guess it was a little of both for me.
It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.-Mark Twain
You can't wake a person who is pretending to be asleep.
Not attracted to your duals? Well maybe you haven't been around someone to see how it works? It's more than just mannerisms or how they talk or how they look, etc. The interaction itself between the two of you can really draw you in. But you need to experience that to see how it works...
I find that when I see Si, for example, it attracts me. Not every person is going to be "attractive" to you physically, or how they smell or whatever, but all things being equal, if there are 2 guys and one is making me more comfortable, and the other isn't, then it's clear to me who I'll be drawn to.
In the past I actually was super attracted to a couple of guys who my friends couldn't understand why I was dating. One guy wasn't "conventionally attractive" and seemed grumpy and not very sociable, so my friends were like ???? But he was an ESTj (under stress), so he didn't want to go out because he was so tired (was getting like a few hours sleep a night). But alone he'd always treat me nicely when we were hanging out and he had a lot of Si, so I was always wrapped in a blanket or something like that and always felt really comfy. My point is that I was super attracted to him when if he didn't make me feel comfortable like that, I don't think I would have been.
I remember the opposite happening w/ an INTp...he bought me a couple drinks and then wanted to go on a long walk...I said I needed to pee and he made jokes that I could go on the street. It was a looong time before we came back and found a bathroom. And then we never got any food and hung out for a long time until I was so dizzy I felt like I was going to pass out. In the end I was really pissed off that he didn't focus on making me feel comfortable, etc. So I ended up tired, hungry, w/ a headache and I absolutely hate being far from a restroom in that situation...so all in all, despite him being, as my friends said, "gorgeous" and about 6'3" and a "respected" job, I felt absolutely NO attraction for him. I didn't want to see him again.
I'm just saying the personality stuff is powerful, because it's how someone else can make you feel that attracts you also...or repels you
Hi! I'm an ENFP. :-)
your duals behavior in their own world is different than their behavior when they're around you. they change when they're around you, and you'll probably change when you're around them. it's also possible you've mistyped yourself. it's also possible you've mistyped the celebrities you're observing, and that they're actually your conflict type or something like that. that's all for you to decide. One thing which I know for a fact is that duality is enjoyable, and if you are repulsed by duality it means something isn't adding up.
The other thing is that you kind of have to actually experience it in person rather than just watch it on TV. It's like deciding whether to live in the middle of a big, fun city, or to live in a quiet place on a tranquil lake. If I had never lived on a lake and were watching TV shows about different locations, I'd probably choose the city. But if I'd already lived on a lake and experienced the calm and tranquility of it, I'd have a hard time giving that up to live in the city.
It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.-Mark Twain
You can't wake a person who is pretending to be asleep.
i think you would feel attraction in your imagination through watching them on TV if they were really your dual. rewatching that "SLI interview" .. the girl seems really fake and nervous to me, too. I think the poster is ENFj.
I think ENFj makes sense, because the first video (I think the girl was ISTp), so clearly an ENFj wouldn't like that as much. And the second video the girl almost seems ENFj to me, or is using Fe in any event, which an ENFj would prefer.
Though the first girl wouldn't maybe be my "favorite" person, I liked her and thought she was funny about the tattoo thing. The second girl I found to be very annoying and just watching her made me feel anxious. I'm wondering how other ENFps reacted...
Hi! I'm an ENFP. :-)
Lol.
On one hand, PT is being criticized for trying to gauge his interest for SLIs using a celebrity in an interview, while in the other, his type is being put into question because he's not interested in the supposed SLIs in the videos.
What Si valuers like is to have someone who cares for their well being and who is comfortable with giving affection. It may come naturally for Si types, but anyone can provide these things if they really wanted to... I've noticed that the IEE here tend to apply a lot of "value" arguments into Socionics, which just goes to show how opinions can be different with people in the same quadra. What I mean is that there is an emphasis on weakness/strength in terms of the functions, and how the property of duality is that duals just have to be the best relation there is, soulmates. In order to hide this, there might be the occasional "but there are other aspects of course to consider," but essentially, I think that the Ne view of Socionics is believing that there just has to be a type of bond that is true in all cases (aka duality). This is a potential setup for disappointment if a duality relationship in real life does not work out, because it was the ideal, so what else could there be?
I think that it would be better if there is more emphasis on how people of a certain type are receptive to information aspects (Information aspects - Wikisocion), and how this comes into play in relations. Something tells me that IEEs might not be interested in something like this, at least I can imagine telling my friend about it and she would be snoring throughout
For better or worse, I feel compelled to ask, why is this Lol?
do you play wc3?
Because I have no idea what to say to that question.
Yeah, all the time. Please don't hack me. Me love you long time.
hey we should play a game sometime, what channel do you hang out in?
I must confess, when I read that my brain was thinking "boring please stop." But that might just be the mood I'm in at the moment!I think that it would be better if there is more emphasis on how people of a certain type are receptive to information aspects (Information aspects - Wikisocion), and how this comes into play in relations. Something tells me that IEEs might not be interested in something like this, at least I can imagine telling my friend about it and she would be snoring throughout
I think IEEs like to talk about duality, imagine how great it could possibly be. But I think at the end of the day an IEE would be more than happy with someone who didn't make them feel trapped, or worse bored.
yes, it's true. I found myself nodding to almost all the advice in this thread. When I first came here and learned about socionics, I couldn't imagine EVER feeling comfortable with SLEs the way they were described. But now that I've experienced it, I can see how it works. I feel safe and free to be myself when I'm with my SLE friend. But he was the one who noticed me first (he has duality experience). I was skeptical and held off getting to know him for years. The first time I noticed it, we were standing there alone, waiting for someone and I thought it would be awkward because we weren't talking much but it didn't seem that strange at all, and then out of the blue he asked my advice about something and I was surprised. I couldn't believe he was being serious. I just saw him as being all-sufficient or way above me. But I gave him my advice/opinion and he seemed really appreciative and I was like wtf???And the whole thing was comfortable. Even now (two years after that first realization) we don't talk that much, just what we need to say. Maybe that sounds weird. It's more like what we say counts for a lot but there doesn't need to be a lot of talk. (contrast this to my IEE mom who has--pardon the expression--diarrhea of the mouth in the constant search for understanding and flushing out of her ideas) I don't know if this lack of talking holds true for other sets of duals or not or maybe it's just our particular relationship (which is not romantic). Anyway, it's very cool.
IEI-Fe 4w3
I'll let you know when I get on. I'm having a current installation problem. I probably wouldn't play a campaign game, but there are a lot of good custom ones.
They say that your conflictor often acts like your dual, so from a distance you would be attracted to them.
I would think that the opposite is true for the dual. From a distance the dual is very different from you in a way that seems to clash, but it takes direct contact for one to feel the bond it creates.
okay, sorry but this doesn't make any sense. If your conflictor acts like your dual, and you're attracted to that, it follows that you'd be attracted to your dual acting like your dual. Unless you're saying that your dual acts like your conflictor from a distance? I dunno. I do think that they're probably a bit hard to tell apart at first. For example, I know an LSE who is also friends with the SLE I know. Both of them are very different from me. But it took me awhile to figure out their types for sure. And in fact, I'm friends with the LSE also but at a much greater psychological distance than the SLE.
IEI-Fe 4w3
Are you sure she's not a beta ST? She really seems like an aggressor, and lots of the little things she does are unattractive to me or just plain turn offs. Her detached lethargy makes her seem like she's trying to project an image of superiority. Even the way she combs her hair with her hands seems fake and condescending.
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