so i was thinking about enneagram , most people say i'm 7w8 .. and in a way i get confused about it.
like in a way i seem to be more aware of 8 traits. but i'm also aware that i just don't have the kind of "forcefulness" of 8s.
but then i find myself at times noticing that i don't exactly lack force, it's just that i'm often thinking "intelectually"
but like, at times i remember, times when i've kind of been more forceful, and it's like people can kind of amazed/impressed, and it's like people seem to think of me higher -
often it's been when i'm kind of relaxed and not really caring .. as soon as i care things get fucked up .. i've tried explaining this to people before to no avail ...
like i have to kind of stay detached, not get too involved, or there's like all this constant war, and it can get to me a bit.
like i remember when i was young, that often people would suddenly start talking about war when i turned up, and apparently they weren't discussing war until i was around. but like i'd be kind of "oblivious" and in my own world, but then slowly, it'd seem like "my world" was the only world that existed, as i kind of "turned" people a bit.
often it's like people would take sides for or against me. although i had a few advisors who would take a neutral position, which i would thank them for.
now when i look back, i used to get lots of people pissed off all of the time. lots of people would hate me. lots of people wouldn't talk to me, lots of people just plain didn't like me.
then some people would like me, and it's ilke they'd become important. then it's like other people wouldn't like me, and i wouldn't even defend me, but sometimes other people would stick up for me.
but like sometimes people would question just how the hell i created so much opposition. and i'd kind of just defer.
anyway, so i was thinking, what i've had against being 8 before is that i'm kind of weak, and small. and i've often not really wanted to "protect" people, i've wanted people to look after themselves, whilst i look after myself.
but at the same time, sometimes i'm reminded that i had this big thing about "helping" people. and it's like i'd try to help in this really light way, in a non-intrusive way, and i wanted to make sure everyone was "looked after". which was kind of weird, because i didn't look after myself. kind of like a 2....
anyway, so what i often seemed to desire is that other people look after me, i look after them,. it's al about other people. but sometimes it's like there'd be these selfish people, and they'd create problems and stuff, and i just wouldn't want them around. but some assholes tried to tell me that *i* was selfish.
anyway,. i'm thinking i probably am a 7w8,. but i'm not sure why i'm so blind to the 7 issues. like i kind of know 8 issues more, because they're more obvious and apparent. but like 7 issues confuse me.
i do have a fast mind, i realise that. but at times it seems other people have got faster minds now that i'm older. i am kind of high energy all the time i do realise that, but often i feel kind of dull and lifeless.
blah blah.
anyway,
i'm being an attention whore, and wonder if anyone has anything to say about me and my enneagramness.
merky.