Question for INTjs

[redbaron]

What do you do in the presence of an ESFj who's being WAY overly dramatic in a negative way? Expressing frustration, not directly at you but about a particular logistical situation (such as something in the house never working right or the traffic being out of control). Do you:

a) ignore him, hope it will go away
b) try to change the subject, distract him with your randomness
c) promise him lots of good sex if he'll shut up
d) start singing songs from your childhood
e) see if you have any food or candy to feed him
f) tell him how much you love his mother
g) remind him that there are starving children in Africa

help me.

[redbaron]

No, you should be saving this one for the ENFjs.

lol well, he is Fe subtype, so it's close. but yeah I don't think the Africa thing would really work now that I think about it.

[cracka]

A combo of B and C of course. But I'm no INTJ so I wouldnt' know...lol.

[redbaron]

A combo of B and C of course. But I'm no INTJ so I wouldnt' know...lol.

lol I always appreciate your input, cracka I was actually thinking the same thing (about B and C).

[Ms. Kensington]

What do you do in the presence of an ESFj who's being WAY overly dramatic in a negative way? Expressing frustration, not directly at you but about a particular logistical situation (such as something in the house never working right or the traffic being out of control). Do you:

a) ignore him, hope it will go away
b) try to change the subject, distract him with your randomness
c) promise him lots of good sex if he'll shut up
d) start singing songs from your childhood
e) see if you have any food or candy to feed him
f) tell him how much you love his mother
g) remind him that there are starving children in Africa

help me.

rationalize about why it's like that or about how its not so bad, maybe C.. but not exactly like that. Probably just do it, but after I sensed they were receptive.

you're not distracting him with randomness, you're distracting him with a sense of rationality.

[redbaron]

rationalize about why it's like that or about how its not so bad, maybe C.

you're not distracting him with randomness, you're distracting him with a sense of rationality.

okay. well I dunno if he likes that (he'd like C tho). I mean, I do try to be really calm and talk about why it's that way, but he just thinks my reasons don't make up for the situation and it makes him mad. then when he refuses to accept my attempt to calm him down, I get exasperated and tell him he's being a baby (yeah that goes over real well ).

I hear these women complain that their husbands don't show emotion or want to talk to them and I'm like hmmmm, I don't have THOSE problems for sure. I wonder what it would be like to live with a quiet person. You might feel, after awhile, that you don't know what goes on in their head. (sorry, I'm just thinking aloud now...)

[UDP]

What do you do in the presence of an ESFj who's being WAY overly dramatic in a negative way? Expressing frustration, not directly at you but about a particular logistical situation (such as something in the house never working right or the traffic being out of control). Do you:

You forgot the important part of what you want to do with the situation.
There is more than one way to skin a cat, as they used to say.
-- meaning, what do you want to do? Get her to stop? Get her to see it differently? Just get her to stop bothering you and leave your presence? etc.

[Minde]

As an INxj who's had to deal with a (female) ESFj in similar situations - I usually either try to think of possible ways to fix the situation, point out positives in the situation, or - if I don't think it's that big a deal - try distraction. Sometimes I'll talk about why it's happened and then try to steer things toward looking at the factors and how those can be adjusted. Usually it's more the other way around, though, with me being the one upset about logistics and her being the one trying to either fix it or show me that it isn't all that bad. Or telling me to "deal with it, woman!" when I get a little too fallen apart (in a playful, non-agressive way). Of course, that kind of makes me think that if I show I can deal with the situation - not in a "I'm stronger than you" way, but in a "you know, I'm not too bothered or upset by this" way - then that seems like it might help, because when I'm happy with a situation she seems to like that and be more satisfied, too. So, hm, a form of reverse psychology, maybe.

In logistical situations you either have the option of doing something about it or you don't. If you can do something about it, then do it (and figure out the best way to do it). If you can't, then deal with it the best you can and find the positives in the situation or in life in general. That would be my natural (albeit maybe more Delta than Alpha) focus with her, anyway. Of course, when someone gets really upset I just want to run and hide.

The last time my ESE friend got really upset I remember not knowing quite what to do. I think I just sort of talked her through the problem and pointed out ways she could do things to make it better. And told her it was going to be ok even if she "failed". Oh, and hugs and just listening. I did that, too. That wasn't particularly a logistics situation, though.

[redbaron]

You forgot the important part of what you want to do with the situation.
There is more than one way to skin a cat, as they used to say.
-- meaning, what do you want to do? Get her to stop? Get her to see it differently? Just get her to stop bothering you and leave your presence? etc.

Get him to calm down and stop being so dramatic about something he can't change. Patience I guess. And acceptance. And please try to act like an adult (which in my mind means not throwing little tantrums when things don't go your way).

[Ms. Kensington]

okay. well I dunno if he likes that (he'd like C tho). I mean, I do try to be really calm and talk about why it's that way, but he just thinks my reasons don't make up for the situation and it makes him mad. then when he refuses to accept my attempt to calm him down, I get exasperated and tell him he's being a baby (yeah that goes over real well ).

I hear these women complain that their husbands don't show emotion or want to talk to them and I'm like hmmmm, I don't have THOSE problems for sure. I wonder what it would be like to live with a quiet person. You might feel, after awhile, that you don't know what goes on in their head. (sorry, I'm just thinking aloud now...)

why does he get mad?

another thing that i think helps is just listening. the literature says not many can withstand the esfj's emotional output.. someone who is listening does not appear to be breaking under the emotion. and you do that too it seems. It's also sort of approximating the feeling of rationality -- someone who is calm may be that way because they are secure in a sense of rationality.

[redbaron]

why does he get mad?

another thing that i think helps is just listening. the literature says not many can withstand the esfj's emotional output.. someone who is listening does not appear to be breaking under the emotion. and you do that too it seems. It's also sort of approximating the feeling of rationality -- someone who is calm may be that way because they are secure in a sense of rationality.

interesting. I sometimes think he interprets my calmness as uncaring. I don't break under the emotion. I'm tough. but I think these emotional expressions of his do have an effect on me and the way I see him (not any one incident, but over time, cumulatively).

[Ms. Kensington]

i agree with carla but I think the thing they dont like about someone being calm is if they dont care. that makes the feeling that they are being ignored. Maybe it's more of an ISFp thing that they feel great when someone cares about them to listen (because they don't open up often maybe).

[krieger]

Encourage them. If they're ESFjs they're probably right. And if they aren't, it's better they think thay are since the quickest way to get them to quiet down is to make them feel listened to and agreed with.

[redbaron]

i agree with carla but I think the thing they dont like about someone being calm is if they dont care. that makes the feeling that they are being ignored. Maybe it's more of an ISFp thing that they feel great when someone cares about them to listen (because they don't open up often maybe).

exactly. he has even said before that he feels like I don't care when I'm calm like that.

[redbaron]

Encourage them. If they're ESFjs they're probably right. And if they aren't, it's better they think thay are since the quickest way to get them to quiet down is to make them feel listened to and agreed with.

Yes, I think this is right. Which means I'm going to have to do some quick acting since I sometimes don't agree with him. I have an annoying habit of playing devil's advocate too which makes him feel like I'm taking the opposite side. Guess I should stop that.

[UDP]

Get him to calm down and stop being so dramatic about something he can't change. Patience I guess. And acceptance. And please try to act like an adult (which in my mind means not throwing little tantrums when things don't go your way).

Well, I'm actually having a similar situation right now, a tiny bit maybe.
It seems the ESE likes to be occupied with something, she's doing some sort of housework stuff (or reading books she likes).

Other than that, being calm and logical, and definitely not explaining things very much. Minimal. When the ESE was worrying about something that didn't happen yet, I said "Hey, you don't need to worry about this, it didn't happen yet" - and that was all we talked about it.

I would suspect that the ESE would like help in terms of focusing its energy - help. (The ESE I'm dealing with just gets so hyper and emotional and wants to do everything, and freaks out at a lot of things, so it loses sight of what to focus on and just keeps spinning its wheels). Try go direct it towards what it should be working on or focusing on. And try to give good advice about when something is enough or done. But definitely try to be calm... MORE excitation isn't going to help.

[cracka]

Encourage them. If they're ESFjs they're probably right. And if they aren't, it's better they think thay are since the quickest way to get them to quiet down is to make them feel listened to and agreed with.

Werd.

If they're ESFjs they're probably right.

lol... I love this...hahahaha.

[Creepy-Pied Piper]

Removed at User Request