Advice needed: unique situation SEI-ILE duality (ISFp & ENTp)

[Robot Santa]

Edited Again: I felt this post had too much personal information for a public forum. Sorry if I killed the story for any readers.

I (ILE) need advice on whether I should visit a girl (SEI) from my past who’s engaged, lives 8000 miles away, and who I’ve only seen once in six years, three years ago when I visited her without telling her. I don't plan on going through any kind of extended pursuit, if my appearance isn't mostly enough, I'll fly back the next day.

One of my SEI homey best friends (who is not familiar with and doubtful of socionics) thinks I’m crazy for considering this, so please let me know if you think that too.

Another female SEI (also not familiar with and doubtful of socionics) said I should go as long as it feels right. It feels completely fine to me, but what goes through my mind are all of the Se/Si considerations ie the distance, jobs, friends, etc, and the Ne possibilities (although none of them really mean anything today) - but if what my SEI friend says is true, then I should ignore all of that right? Should I ignore the S, N and T? It all seems pretty real to me.

[Expat]

First, yeah, that does seem like ILE-SEI.

What are you trying to achieve -- make her leave her fiance? To marry you?

It seems to me that you've already decided to give it a try.

Consider this, however -- your presence there might conceivably make her change her mind. It doesn't mean that it will stay changed.

[PotatoSpirit]

And then I emailed her some links about duality and she got furious, I think because she thought my suddenly expressed interest was conjured theoretically, and she stopped answering my calls.

Heh that basically said "you're one of the million girls I could go along very well with" (c:

[Blaze]

@Robotsanta: i'd go....just because you seem to be convinced that she is the one and only girl of your dreams. but don't get your expectations up.

[Expat]

Heh that basically said "you're one of the million girls I could go along very well with" (c:

Interestingly, I hadn't thought of that. What I thought was that he was referring to external, second-hand information to "justify" the interest; that is, using , which she'd see as pointless/stupid/etc.

[cracka]

I'd say she'll be reeeally pissed if you show up. Who's to say she isn't happy the way thjings are and that you going there and potentially ruining her relationship with someone she loves enough to be *engaged* to.
I can see her saying exactly what she's said already about changing... I dunno. I think your best bet would be finding someone else and getting over it. just my opinion though.

[Expat]

I'm not saying that he should seek her, but, honestly this:

I think your best bet would be finding someone else and getting over it. just my opinion though.

is pretty much the most annoying and useless kind of advice in these situations, in my opinion. It turns individuals into objects. "It didn't work with this one? No problem, look for another one". Ugh. It implies that your goal is to be with "someone", not with an specific individual. And yes, sometimes it doesn't work with the specific individual, but the idea of "find someone else and get over it" -- ugh.

ETA: and yes, what Diana said makes the most sense.

[Blaze]

yeah she is saying stop it. but i think he's willing to give this a total final shot and he'll always wonder what would have happened if he doesn't do it. so he sorta has to do it even though it may not go well. you never know.

but i see the point about listening to her and giving up, too.

btw i thot cracka's advice was fine!

[cracka]

is pretty much the most annoying and useless kind of advice in these situations, in my opinion. It turns individuals into objects. "It didn't work with this one? No problem, look for another one". Ugh. It implies that your goal is to be with "someone", not with an specific individual. And yes, sometimes it doesn't work with the specific individual, but the idea of "find someone else and get over it" -- ugh.

WTF? Annoying or useless to you maybe. I could say, just wait it out and she'll end up divorcing the girl of your dreams... then what... He's 60 wondering why he's still single and dreaming of "the one" just because he never got over it and moved on.

The easiest way to get over a relationship is usually to find someone else and naturally people get over it. It's the easiest advice to give in this situation but of course, the hardest to take. I typed up my reply in about a minute this morning before going to work and this is the easiest way to put it. Just because you don't like hearing it and don't like what it means doesn't mean it's not true or useless in any way.

If the thread starter does in fact go through with what he really wants to do I can almost guarantee that it won't go the way he wants it to. Hell, I get pissed if someone I know shows up at my house unannounced... much less someone trying to "steal" me from someone else I am in love with.

As to the part of the "final" try. She's had what she wants to be her "final" say in this and wants no more of it... she said it... it's right there in black and white... when people start deciding they know what's better for someone else and make decisions that affect others lives it never works out and just pisses them off.

Imagine standing on her doorstep when she comes home with her fiance/husband... For more effect, let's put you there with a bouquet of flowers too. If the husband doesn't beat your ass, who's he gonna be mad at? As much with her as he would be with you I'd imagine.
Then you not only solidified you position as not with her since she may easily not want to talk to you ever again. You've also ruined what good of a relationship they've had since it would bring up issues that she's seeing you on the side...etc. Oh, and just to make it more fun... let's make her 6 months pregnant just to realize how screwed up this situation actually could be.

In short... showing up at her door would be a bad move IMO. It would be very selfish to do so even though you think you'd be better for her than the guy she's with, who I'd bet you don't really know very well.

Again, you best bet would be to move on and try to get over her. If you don't, you'll just waste even more time thinking about something that will most likely never happen.

[implied]

I'm not saying that he should seek her, but, honestly this:



is pretty much the most annoying and useless kind of advice in these situations, in my opinion. It turns individuals into objects. "It didn't work with this one? No problem, look for another one". Ugh. It implies that your goal is to be with "someone", not with an specific individual. And yes, sometimes it doesn't work with the specific individual, but the idea of "find someone else and get over it" -- ugh.

ETA: and yes, what Diana said makes the most sense.

god, yeah, i agree. this pisses me off. it's as if you can't fall in love with an individual because of their qualities. any old piece will do! anyone!

anyhow, i think you should find someone who actually likes you back. she doesn't sound worth the time. at best, you can wait it out a few years, and she'll break things off with her fiance anyway. if it's really "meant to be" perhaps she'll realize it. i'm not sure he should seek her out really either.

[Creepy-Diana]

.

[Ms. Kensington]

One of my SEI homey best friends (who is not familiar with and doubtful of socionics) thinks I’m crazy for considering this, so please let me know if you think that too. And please indicate your type when responding, thanks.

also, no offense to your friend, but fuck that. do what you gotta do.

im INTj.

[cracka]

Let it go...

No, I really do want to know what he means... If I "clearly didn't get it" then I'd like to know why. I obviously read his comment very differently than it was implied.

[cracka]

I was commenting to RobotSanta.

I was saying let the girl go..

It's over, sometimes.. you have to let go...

Ah, I apologize then... In the context I took that differently.

[Not A Communist Shill]

It is a cliché that we all have a soulmate who we are destined to be with...but then it's also a cliché that there are many fish in the sea .

[Lotus]

It is a cliché that we all have a soulmate who we are destined to be with...but then it's also a cliché that there are many fish in the sea .