This is going to be long. Brace yourselves! I'll try to make it interesting on some level. It also is probably going to become something of a cathartic vomiting board, since once I get going on a topic I have to keep going until I have nothing else to say. Grab some popcorn and hit me with the truth!
First off, I like people. They are a-holes. But in part that is because they are trying to abide by their own interests, and that is as it should be. I mean, if you don't, then who will? Of course people will clash, soemtimes a lot. It depends on their agendas and their own personal language. They're still a-holes, don't get me wrong. We are all A-holes. But it's okay. Because an a-hole is an a-hole is an a-hole. That being said, I abide by the general rules of politeness in most cases, unless I feel adequately pressed. Happens rarely. It isn't that I'm holding back or afraid, it is that I'm honestly not annoyed. It does take quite a bit to get me to blink, if I'm in a healthy mental state. What makes me annoyed? Intrusiveness, plain and simple.
Back to me+other people. I like people, the a-holes they and I. But I do not understand them off the bat, and I do not feel comfortable engaging them until one of these things, whichever comes first (which coincidentally makes people think I'm an aloof snob, when all I'm doing is trying to figure out how to make my moves):
1. They hit on a topic very near and dear to my heart, and I must discuss. Which during discussion would invariably lead to the second circumstance...
2. I know what to expect from them. I can use some sort of info about them....body language, tone, inflection, extrasensory info....to figure out what to expect. I feel secure.
I observe until then. I often observe afterwards. The slightest jolt can start the whole process over again, sometimes, if it is the right kind of jolt. I can range from taciturn and completely withdrawn/unresponsive all the way to nonstop talking and fun. The latter is the one I exhibited when I was younger, but as I got older and more and more disenchanted I only fell into that sort of behavior with people I know well and when I'm alone. Maybe I'm insane, but I talk to myself and my pets nonstop when I'm alone. I need the noise. Plus, I like my pets and must communicate to them my thoughts.
I've found it is more easy to be by myself, though. I like staying near the people so that I can talk if I feel so inclined, but it is wonderful to be able to wander around wherever I wish and do whatever I want, answering to nothing except the law (hehehe) and my schedule. I like to stay busy, whether that involves watching all trillion seasons of some television show in one week or running around constantly finding excuses to get out of the dorm room. When I do something that actually matters to me and holds my interest beyond the introductory period (not a terribly high acceptance rate, I'll admit that) I DO it. I tear through everything I can find, single-mindedly and as quickly as I can. And when it's over, I rehash.
I do have a lot of energy. I guess. I'm told that, anyway, and I assume so by other peoples reactions. Things I do, like reading 10 books at once (that sounds idiotic, but you know what I mean...) or taking the max credit hours or swimming 10,000 meters in one afternoon-- other people are like 'woah!' and I'm just doing what seems perfectly natural to me (which is doing as much as I possibly can). I'm not good with talking to people and doing something at the same time though, that is the only time I can't multitask. I guess it is because I like to pay as much attention as possible to people when I'm communicating with them. Otherwise I'll miss something, and I won't know how to react or how to interpret their behavior which could result in embarassing stuff. Also probably why I'm not a fan of large groups. I can't watch and analyze all of those people at once! X.x
I spend a lot of time observing and analyzing things, which is something I've begun doing over the years. When I was younger I did it whenever I had down time, which wasn't very often. I always had something new to pretend, or something exciting to explore. But I got older and realized that, sadly, unicorns weren't hiding behind portals located in the backyard, and that if ghosts were real they certainly weren't showing themselves. Disenchantment I guess. It destroyed my world view. I kept waiting for something cool to happen, and it never did. Only the mundanity and opression of public school and the despicably conforming and lost behavior of me and my poor peers. So now, instead of pretending, I watch and try to figure stuff out. And I usually suceed when I actually think about it rather than woolgathering or daydreaming.
That disenchantment characterized a lot of my high school experience. I hated it because it wasn't what I wanted. I wanted adventure! Variety! Something that actually presented a bit of a challenege. I got really withdrawn and though I had dear friends from very early childhood/middle school leftover that loved me, I was miserable and they knew it. They kept complaining about how my spirit had evaporated and I was such a pessimist. The spirit part wasn't true, I still have and had my spirit, thanks mates, but as for the pessimism-- I think I'm a realist. But I'm no pessimist. And eventually, when I actually was ready to listen, I decided that I wanted to get the heck out of high school and never return! So I endured the final years, made two incredibly close and wonderful friends, and graduated and went away to college and once I got here realized that I was still so wrapped up in the aftermath of my "disappointment with life" (wah wah wah, yes, I know. ) that i really have lost sight of what I wanted with my life.
I kind of have an attitude where if I don't get what I want the way I want I keep stubbornly trying to attain that want, and won't accept anything else. I can be pretty flexible with other peoples' beliefs and my own ideas, but if my attainment of reality the way I want it to be is denyed I sulk. A lot. And I keep trying. Often without trying to change my methods, because the fact they didn't work in the first place just makes me more annoyed and determined to prove that I CAN make it work the way I want it to with the outcome I want.
I am certainly a creature of habit. If I find something is generally obstructive to a majority of my other actions, thouh, I will try to fix it by changing things around. But if someone else tries to make it happen I close up and get rather paranoid around them. My 'messes' (I prefer to call them innovative housekeeping skillz), my freetime, my thought process, my personality; it is MINE and I'm going to use it the way that I can. What makes you more right? In fact...I don't even care if you are! My way works for ME, and if you don't like it, there is not room for you.
Ahem. Yes. lol I guess I'm rather egotistical and selfish on some levels. But as I said earlier, someone has to look after me. I'm not one that'll push someone in front of the metaphorical train to save myself, though. I don't believe my life is worth more than anyone else's. But I am selfish in the way that I like my way and I am going to, in the end, do what I want and what I believe over anything else.
My beliefs, as it were, are luckily rather rarely come by. There are very, very few things I accept as 'facts' (it is all relative, baby!) and few things I really believe. I say luckily, because stuff I accept as facts I truly accept as facts. They are logical, sensible, rational, and they have experimentally been proven. They are true, and nothing changes that. The things I believe I won't give up, and though they are usually rational and such, they aren't necessarily as provable. I acknowledge that, and I don't care. There isn't anything objective anyway, and I can't walk around life not having any opnions or beleifs.
I can see how many different things could be true, and I can understand opposing viewpoints. What I can't understand is trying to eliminate other viewpoints.
I'm not always the best communicator, it doesn't always occur to me to talk stuff out because from past experience I've found that it is very perilous and emotionally draining. I don't do well emotionally connecting with people, whatever that means? I don't even know... All I DO know is that the only way I can connect with people is by talking. Talking about what I'm thinking, what I'm doing, what I am interested in, what I want to do with my life. Maybe that is emotional connection? What else could be, besides feeling the same way? I am bothered when someone feels contray to how I feel. It makes me feel like i should be feeling the same way, so I do begin to feel how i imagine they are feeling, and I don't really know how to react to them. I also begin to wonder if they are feeling like I am feeling, or if I'm misreading them. Of course that last thought only occured after the years it took me to realize that I don't necesarily know how other people are feeling just by judging how I would react in the situaiton, and assigning that feeling to them...
I'm going to stop. I'm out of things to say. If anyone actually managed to read that whole spiel, I am undeniably impressed! I know I couldn't....