pursuing an intj: suggestions?

[uninspired]

I saw a gorgeous INTj at a concert last week . My friends and I were there to see a goth/indie/alternative rock band (Rasputina, for those of you who know and love them) at a relatively small bar in the city where I live.

Basically, the INTj was standing in a dark corner (next to me and my friends), relaxedly drinking his beer. He was tall, upright, calm, and composed. He seemed like a thoughtful, serious person, but not a dreamy, "lost in thought" person. He wore a goatee, a backwards flat cap (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flat_cap), and a neatly pressed shirt. He looked like a poshed-up philosopher, which doesn't at all contradict the impression I have of INTjs being quite stylish. Anyway, he was hot; the epitome of the strong, silent type.

After gazing at him for a few minutes (since my glance fell upon him in short intervals), I began a debate with my friends and myself over whether to talk to him during the set breaks. I had three predicaments, though:
1) I didn't know what to say! What do you say to an INTj to pique his interest?
2) I didn't know if he wanted to be talked to. He looked so content being alone that I didn't want to disturb his calm (as opposed to a lonely yet homely ISTj I saw at the concert, who looked desperate to be talked to).
3) I didn't know whether he was alone because his ESFj girlfriend didn't like weird goth music and didn't want to go to the show with him, haha.

My point is, what would you recommend one say to an INTj to engage him? I was thinking of asking him whether he stroked his goatee whenever he was thinking, and whether that helped him think or not, but my friends told me that was weird and stupid. Suggestions?

[Sentineneve]

[uninspired]

I'd say something along the lines of "Hi" followed by "I'd really like to get to know you" and ask to sit down with him. Offering to sit down with him has a better chance of success. It still gives him the option to reject, but this time you've crossed the room to him. It is harder for him to say "No thank you" when you, yourself, are standing right there in front of him, having made the effort to come and speak to him. Also, you're offering one on one interaction instead of multiple on one. I can't say this will work for sure, but I think it has a better chance than Carla's method. (Given Carla is actually a female though, maybe she's had better results. It could be both methods work.)

You're imposing a ton on him, but being kind of a gentle pushy really works (for me). If it isn't really obvious, it should work. I still think INTj's are pathetically easy to manipulate. Just act as if you like him and are personally taking an interest in him, not taking an interest as part of a gaggle. It also may help if you ascertain some sort of interest...like catch his eye first. If he's looking at your eyes, then move. Be very careful that he is not just looking in your general direction, but is actually focused on you. If he's looking in your general direction, smiling at him sometimes works. That gets his attention on you, and then you can move. Otherwise, it may be harder simply because you are popping out of nowhere instead of him seeing you walk towards him.

Thank you both for your suggestions . Quick question for Sentineneve: do you think it would be a bit too heavy to make my intentions so blatant by saying "I'd really like to get to know you better." I don't think I could pull that off; I'd prefer to start with something more light-hearted and jocular.
Also, when I thought of going up to him, I planned on doing it alone, so I suppose I was on the right track with that. Ideally I'd like to get one in a small group situation, like at a friend's house, so that interaction would be more natural and I could talk about more random things. Being in a huge room with lots of people making noise and lots of distractions is tough .

[Ms. Kensington]

hm yeah i also think it is best to act like you have genunine interest, which is easier to do one on one rather than in a group, and to display happy and friendly smiles. Although we like physical touch i wouldn't suggest touching his arm or anything until conversation has been established. We love affection but we have to feel as if we allowed it or something. My guess is that your natural fe will make him feel comfortable. just talk to him about anything (duh, something about the show or the last song, your excitement, compliments on the goatee--without touching--etc), and then incorporate subtle touching. You already know he will be interested in the band because he is there.

[force my hand]

My point is, what would you recommend one say to an INTj to engage him? I was thinking of asking him whether he stroked his goatee whenever he was thinking, and whether that helped him think or not, but my friends told me that was weird and stupid. Suggestions?

He's a guy. By existing, you've already 'engaged' him.

[Sentineneve]

[Gilly]

My point is, what would you recommend one say to an INTj to engage him? I was thinking of asking him whether he stroked his goatee whenever he was thinking, and whether that helped him think or not, but my friends told me that was weird and stupid. Suggestions?

He's a guy. By existing, you've already 'engaged' him.

Truth.

[Sentineneve]

[Gilly]

The point is that no guy is going to be turned off by a girl approaching him unless the girl is overtly unattractive.

[Sentineneve]

[Gilly]

Intentionally approaching you with no other obvious motivation than to talk specifically to you doesn't count? That would definitely get me thinking.

[Sentineneve]

[Gilly]

For better or for worse, guys are expected to approach girls, whether it's to flirt with them or just talk. Now, if a girl approaches you, it usually means one of two things:

1) She's interested enough in you to take the initiative after having waited to see if you would make a move, despite common social expectations, and in light of your lack of initiative (for example, I can see Scarlettlux doing this)

OR

2) She is intentionally thwarting or disregarding social norms and is making a point of taking the initiative in showing interest in you (more along the lines of something Joy would do)

Either way, she's going out of her way and defying a social norm to talk to you. That means something. IME it's pretty rare for a girl to just approach a guy just to chat, and either way, she's probably going to make her intentions clear as long as you pay attention and don't make an ass of yourself :wink:

This is, of course, assuming a social atmosphere conducive to flirting. If a 40 year old woman starts talking to you in the airport while you're both waiting for the same flight, she's probably not flirting with you But if you're in a club and a girl leaves her group of friends to come talk to you, odds are, she's interested.

[Sentineneve]

[mooveefone]

haha, while i love watching and being part of ILE-LII conversations, i think that you're missing a few key points, here

first of all, he's at a bar watching an indie band. second, he's attractive and dresses well. third, he's standing in a dark corner. now, i don't know about you, but i usually assume that anybody who presents himself in this manner is going to have a pretty good idea of what's up when it comes to flirting. at this point i doubt that type matters in the slightest. when a guy like that notices a group of girls coming up and wanting to talk to him, it's entirely up to him whether or not he's going to continue the interaction, regardless of type.

i say go for it

[redbaron]

Yeah, but not every guy is going to be turned on unless you do something to show you're not just being randomly friendly, but being friendly specifically towards him. I will concede that many, if not most guys will be turned on. I just happen to think that certain types of people are a little...harder to reach than most, and that INTj is one of those types that may require a little more effort.

Yeah I have known guys like this, definitely. In fact, I dated one 15 some years ago--I think he was ISTp though but he was just like how you describe in terms of being harder to reach than most.

[Not A Communist Shill]

If someone stares in my direction and meets my gaze, I tend to look away in embarrassment, because I presume they aren't looking at me, or if they are, I'm intruding on their staring by looking back .

He seemed like a thoughtful, serious person, but not a dreamy, "lost in thought" person

Sometimes in social situations, I move my head around to make me appear more approachable (or at least more sociable, even if I'm not talking to anybody) - other times I have a completely glazed looked, because I'm somewhere else and am trying to make the time go by . I think I prefer being lost in thought, but I consider that in some social situations, it wouldn't be thought acceptable, so I try to wake myself up - I don't really know if that is applicable to other INTjs though...

I think I might seem calm and composed in such situations simply because I'm ignoring the fact there are loads of strangers in the room - it's not that I am content and don't want to talk to other people, it's more to do with my fear they don't want to talk to me, or that I will spend too much energy on too many people I later find I don't really like. So I guess I expect people to come to me rather than the other way around (unless I overhear an interesting conversation, which is unlikely at a concert).

I don't like overly confident 'brashy' people, who storm over to where I am and wake me up too quickly - I get the feeling they only picked on me because I'm there, and they are trying to pick fault with me in some way - I prefer people who are more humble and modest in their speech, and who do not think they are 'It'. A good question to ask might be 'Do you like it here, or is it too noisy?', then maybe give your own thoughts on the venue etc. - a bad question would be 'who are you?', or 'why did you come here?'.

If you were approaching me, I'd prefer you to be indirect about it - I don't think there are any particular rules, apart from don't storm over. But, if for example, a INFp tripped over three people in their obvious attempt to reach me, I would find this amusing - and I would be flattered by the effort they had put into seeing me. If someone gave me three nervous glances at me over a period of time, and I could see they were struggling to decide whether to see me or not, I would brace myself for it, though I'd prolly just stay where I was . (But I've never met an ESFj in one of those situations - they just seem to come from around a corner and we end up talking, or I am on the periphery of a group of people with a ESFj in the centre, talking, so...).

[ScarlettLux]

For better or for worse, guys are expected to approach girls, whether it's to flirt with them or just talk. Now, if a girl approaches you, it usually means one of two things:

1) She's interested enough in you to take the initiative after having waited to see if you would make a move, despite common social expectations, and in light of your lack of initiative (for example, I can see Scarlettlux doing this)

OR

2) She is intentionally thwarting or disregarding social norms and is making a point of taking the initiative in showing interest in you (more along the lines of something Joy would do)

Either way, she's going out of her way and defying a social norm to talk to you. That means something. IME it's pretty rare for a girl to just approach a guy just to chat, and either way, she's probably going to make her intentions clear as long as you pay attention and don't make an ass of yourself :wink:

This is, of course, assuming a social atmosphere conducive to flirting. If a 40 year old woman starts talking to you in the airport while you're both waiting for the same flight, she's probably not flirting with you But if you're in a club and a girl leaves her group of friends to come talk to you, odds are, she's interested.

:wink:

[bibliophile8]

As an INTj, I'll throw in my two cents.

I think its important that you don't come across as pushy or overwhelming. I guess its like a balancing act between showing interest and making him feel comfortable with you. That casual touching thing mentioned earlier would work like a charm on me.

[betterthandead]

yomama

[bibliophile8]

Step 1. Make sure he is an INTJ
Step 2. There are a lot of people who mistype themselves as INTJ online just for the sake of "I'm special"

Really? For awhile, I wanted to be anything but LII. I'm still not sure that I'm totally okay with it. What makes LII any more special than other types?