Imbalance in romantic relationships of benefit

[Bertrand]

yeah there's a lot going on there... at its most basic I think people really want positive feedback according to their mobilizing and they'll take that in almost any form they can get it, but the best would be via [the suggestive] Fi for me. Which is why duals are so awesome, because for me its like when someone says "I love you and believe in you, let me prove it to you with my actions" its literally the best feeling in the world

for SLI it would be more creative expressions of Fi (Ne/Fi), which is precisely what IEE does, etc

IEE wants some kind of Si manifestation of Te, which would be like well thought out practical gifts. my SLI ex got me boots ive gotten compliments on for 3 years running now, and they basically changed my life (never was a boot person before). that Si feet thing again. anyway its literally the gift that keeps on giving. that is some serious Si Te, etc

in that way when it comes to relationships at least, sensors and inituitives are actually open to a surprising degree to comments arising out of different perceptual axes. at the same time, its kind of narrow cause Fe Si is like uuuughh, for example when ESE tries to run up on you and rub your back or something.. which is what cracks me up about all these "physical touch" love language people, its like everyone likes sex, I get it, thats why its sex, but how do you feel about unsolicited acts of physical affection like homosexual backrubs from your boss. can you accept that in the spirit it was given? if so probably some kind of Si Fe valuer. as for me id rather maintain my bubble

[PinKDiGiT18]

I've never been as attracted to an LII as they were to me. I cannot ever see it happening. I'm also the Ni subtype, so when a guy is Se PoLR, it will be rather unattractive to me on a romantic basis. It is not repulsive, but it is simply a clear lack of romantic interest. LIIs are strictly great "mind partners" for me, in the sense that the mental connection can be quite good, better than with any other type possibly. But only getting mental stimulation is not enough for a romantic relationship for me (in other words, I am not "sapiosexual" enough for that); that's better for friendship.

I know of several IEI-Fe people dating LIIs however, and it seems like several of them do get married. (I find subtype matters quite a lot in Benefit, and probably in Supervision too – it creates a bridge between the types and slightly outweighs the imbalance. The subtype of the Benefactor and Supervisor both seem to matter more.) I know of an IEI-Fe female who's been married to her LII-Ti husband for a rather long time, and she seems happy enough. She once talked about her struggles with the LII some time into the relationship; I'm assuming she had to get over the fact that her husband won't fulfill certain expectations she has, etc.

I find it interesting to note that all longterm Benefit marriages I have known or observed were with a female Benefactor (and usually matching subtypes). It's typically women who've had negative experiences in the past, and/or who feel more comfortable being with a guy who's unlikely going to leave them because of the asymmetric dynamic. Often it is said that the one who cares more has the power, and that is certainly the case with the Benefactor; the Beneficiary cares more, so the Benefactor has more power. I am assuming that when a guy is the Benefactor, he's more likely going to tire of it and his eyes will wander, and that's why there aren't too many long-term Benefit relationships with a male Benefactor.

Anyhow, I do think that Benefit marriages can and do work. It typically requires a female Benefactor, matching subtypes, and being able to accept and overlook the Beneficiary's shortcomings.

When it comes to me being a Beneficiary, I surely have been attracted to a good share of ESIs in the past. It never lead to anywhere (with the guys). I've also had several ESI female friends and acquaintances. The ESIs usually positioned themselves as someone who knows better than I do or who has more/better experience than I do, or who's my protector in a way and takes me under their wing at certain moments. It is not uncommon for some ESIs to find me somewhat silly or not particularly worthy of attention at first. Two ESI 9 friends have just discarded me once I did "something wrong" in their eyes... I do feel the imbalance on some level. I often admire them more than they admire me. Since I have become aware of this dynamic, I've become more critical of ESIs and I don't really crush on them anymore, for the most part. It would be kind of doomed anyway.

I find this very interesting. I understand the logic behind Benefit pairs faring better with a woman Benefactor. However, all the Benefit relationships/marriages I know involve a male Benefactor + female Beneficiary.

The first one is an ESI-Se m + IEI-Fe f marriage. IEI is very obviously the recipient in the relationship and takes advantage of ESI’s goodwill towards her. IEI is unhealthy and this skews my ability to describe their dynamic in terms of normal Benefit.

The second one is an LSE-Te m + ILE-Ne f marriage. They’re cute, have been married for decades, and LSE has never lost his dedication to caring for ILE. Supports her in all things Si.

Third is SLE-Ti with an Alpha SF, but she looks ESE-Fe. They haven’t been together super long but SLE has seemed markedly happier ever since she came into his life. Could be honeymoon phase.

The male Benefactors who married their Beneficiaries seem to really love their Beneficiary wives - seemingly almost more so than the other way around. In many marriages of all intertypes, I see the husband progressively lose his enthusiasm for the relationship until he is just going through the motions - whatever the reason may be. But in these pairs, the Benefactor husband never seems to lose his affection and enthusiasm for the wife, even when the relationship gets difficult. Don’t know what the explanation for this is, but I do know Beneficiaries can touch a special place in your heart.

edit: it may be relevant to note that the long lasting male benefactor pairs listed above had complementary erotic attitudes.

[Stray Cat]

Benefactors draws you in with their creative but you gotta see their leads for what they are. LIEs try persuading me the value of their Te through their creative Ni. Basically its like, "Ni cool, Te nah. We'll chat next week, brah."

ESEs Fe is overly accommodating, their Si is a fucking shit show. ESE "homes" are Barbie dream houses, archetypes for their grubby social status.

I'm legit wondering if the OPs question involves close psychological distance or infatuated love.

[PinKDiGiT18]

My Benefactors are fascinating individuals who awaken my sapiosexual side. But romantically, I am more attracted to my Beneficiaries.

I tend to think ILIs see me as a little kid who never grows up. They often like me, but I don't seem to stimulate interest in them in any way.

My Beneficiaries, SEIs, mostly fit my on-paper ideal for a partner. They are sensual, meek, emotionally sensitive, supportive, family-oriented, and gifted in practical matters. They don't enjoy conflict, and they love to learn and expand their minds and horizons.

In practice, however, SEIs get overwhelmed and annoyed by our shared ethics. SEIs enjoy having their attention needed, and EIIs have such stringent Fi confines around their Ne that SEIs can't keep up with its demanding nature, nor do they want to.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

I don't think a LII has ever had the hots for me and vice versa. If they did I never knew about it and they kept their crush a secret well lol. We were always just really good friends at most.

I've liked ESIs before and I think they've liked me too, just not quite as much.

Betrand: I know you're not here anymore but if you are, Fe valuers are not more likely to condone sexual abuse or harrassment like that. It's just probably we are less likely to use 'the system' against people for doing so due to the lack of Te valuing- I'd rather take matters in my own hands with that type of thing, doesn't mean I condone or support it.

Also why did you have to pick on homosexuals? I don't think I'd like heterosexual backrubs either. Or any type of backrubs in a work setting lol.

"everybody likes sex" = too Gamma Democratic like. It's not really saying anything. Everybody might enjoy sex, but we all enjoy it in widely different levels. How often/how people enjoy it is obviously widely varied hence part of the drama and controversy sex almost always brings.

[skosh]

I don't think a LII has ever had the hots for me and vice versa. If they did I never knew about it and they kept their crush a secret well lol. We were always just really good friends at most.

I've liked ESIs before and I think they've liked me too, just not quite as much.

Betrand: I know you're not here anymore but if you are, Fe valuers are not more likely to condone sexual abuse or harrassment like that. It's just probably we are less likely to use 'the system' against people for doing so due to the lack of Te valuing- I'd rather take matters in my own hands with that type of thing, doesn't mean I condone or support it.

Also why did you have to pick on homosexuals? I don't think I'd like heterosexual backrubs either. Or any type of backrubs in a work setting lol.

"everybody likes sex" = too Gamma Democratic like. It's not really saying anything. Everybody might enjoy sex, but we all enjoy it in widely different levels. How often/how people enjoy it is obviously widely varied hence part of the drama and controversy sex almost always brings.

LIIs guys are like panting puppies for IEI girls. It actually happens that they form longlasting bonds. But once she steps into the 'SP wannabe' mode he's the last guy who can do anything about it. She's gone.

[Braingel]

I have had numerous LII's attracted to me. All 5w6 enneagram type, minus one 5w4. I think it more may be having do with neurodiversity though, as I am autistic, and multiple of said, were neurodvierse. It is easier to communicate with neurodiverse people when you are such, as it strains being communicative towards those who have better theory of mind.

There is an LII who was very attracted to me (the 5w4), and he tried teaching me programming and whatnot once over discord voice chat. I would not oppose to dating him.. We get along well and there is an innate appreciation, but there is a little bit of depth lacking. Nevertheless, he and I share many interests. Spiritual pursuit, namely. It is a pulling connection, a force generating, but it is not an intense shock. It is not a sudden snapping together, just a gentle harmony that leads a touching close, but not firmly in place one another.

[Braingel]

My father figure is LII, and I get along with him more than anyone I have known.. Also a 5w6. We have no communicative differences, and very little misunderstanding. 5w6 often tries educate themselves upon numerous matters, though, so this can be a factoring. I have had instantaneous chemistry with an SLE, but have had to distance because he was in ill health and kept refusing towards betterment and I gave him more than should have. So this is making LII my most compatible type of relations I have had with others as of this thus far in my life.

I do not take ITR as the end-all of compatibility. I have seen some of my supervisor LIE, get along absolutely fine with, for instance.

[PinKDiGiT18]

LIIs guys are like panting puppies for IEI girls. It actually happens that they form longlasting bonds. But once she steps into the 'SP wannabe' mode he's the last guy who can do anything about it. She's gone.

Get out of here. If my LII brother ever falls for an IEI girl I’m going to lose my mind.

[PinKDiGiT18]

My father figure is LII, and I get along with him more than anyone I have known.. Also a 5w6. We have no communicative differences, and very little misunderstanding. 5w6 often tries educate themselves upon numerous matters, though, so this can be a factoring. I have had instantaneous chemistry with an SLE, but have had to distance because he was in ill health and kept refusing towards betterment and I gave him more than should have. So this is making LII my most compatible type of relations I have had with others as of this thus far in my life.

This is really sweet...my ILI-Te mom’s dad was EII-Fi and she told me growing up they had an understanding that didn’t require words.

Upon finding out I know more Benefit marriages of these subtypes, I’ve thought more about the prospect of a Beneficiary partner. I’ve found I prefer a partner with my dual cognitive style, and this drives my Beneficiaries’ appeal to me often above my activators and semi-duals. My interactions with SEI-Si men have been brief. My SEI-Si female friends do not respond well to my Fi; my SEI-Fe friends are much more nonchalant about it. But I am more romantically attracted to SEI-Si. I have no idea if it’s mutual, though. My EII romanticism is more certain of the potential here than what may be the case in reality.

[Adam Strange]

I was sitting in a diner and saw a pretty and animated blonde ESI-Se female sitting with a dark and mostly silent SLI male, which is Benefit. She seemed happy.

Of course, she was only twenty or so. Plenty of time for things to go wrong.

[FreelancePoliceman]

I don't really have personal experience with this, but I suspect that IEIs would think I'm too boring to date, and I'd think SLIs too boring to date. Though SLI girls can be really hot.