Semi-duality Relations: Stories & Experiences

[anndelise]

I've been with my semi-dual for over 6 years now. (me NeFi, him SiFe)

We do have some political differences, but solved further arguing by banning politics from the home. After 6 years, he's allowed on some political forums again, and spends it on local news commentations and such. I refrain from reading what he writes, as I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut and a huge blow up might occur.

That is probably the only real problem that we've had. We've had a total of 3 arguments, and those were within the first 3 months. Since banning politics, there's nothing to argue over.

I feel lucky to have him. He's patient with me, even though some of the things that I do annoy the heck out of him. He doesn't trigger my insecurities except once in a blue moon. Our favorite shows/movies are completely different, but we do have some common ground ones.

In all honesty, mostly, we have completely different lives, and just sort of meet at the middle (at home) so to speak. I think that this actually helps our relationship. I'm not interfering with his stuff, not asking Te of him, and in similar manner, he lets me pursue my 'odd' projects, even supports them financially sometimes, and doesn't ask for Ti from me.

Where we do meet, is the Si/Ne. Our Ne differs a bit, but we still find it enjoyable to explore some ideas. When I see him painting his game miniatures, I get totally turned on. Similar seems to happen to him when I'm working hard on figuring some theory (like socionics, a couple of years ago, lol).

He would definitely like me to be more firm in my wants, being more clear about what I want. But at the same time, he and my brother enjoy setting me up in situations that they know I'll likely do if I'm feeling good. Such as making a comment to one of the local radio personnel out of the blue in some electronic store we passed them in. Basically, he's learning how to use my moods for entertainment value, lol. (not in a negative way, mind, nor in a manipulative way)

I do miss some things, though. But all in all, this isn't a relationship I would give up easily.

I've written about our relationship before: http://www.the16types.info/vbulletin...tml#post531221

[redbaron]

that's so cool! It sounds like a pretty wonderful relationship. I'm independent myself and I love the idea of having your own lives and meeting in the middle.

[anndelise]

that's so cool! It sounds like a pretty wonderful relationship. I'm independent myself and I love the idea of having your own lives and meeting in the middle.

It has it's pros and cons.
I get to pursue whatever I want to pursue without worrying much about whether he'd enjoy it also or not.
But on the other hand, I can't talk to him about the things that I AM doing. When I'm excited about some new finding, I can't share it with him. When I'm frustrated with something, or trying to figure something out, I can't use him as a sounding board. There is where I often feel lonely, even though he's sitting right next to me. This part would probably be easier to deal with if I wasn't so socially isolated where we live...and if I had full use of my back again so I could pace around the block while trying to figure something out.

[silverchris9]

My little brother is my semi-dual. We get along super awesome great for a long time and then we have a fight and don't like each other for a few hours, and then it's back to super awesome great. It just sort of goes up and down like that. Like, for a while he was really mad at me for not being considerate enough, and it really bothered me when he said it and pissed me off, but after I wasn't around him, I thought about it, and I've changed it to a small degree. Then a few days later, we had a conversation where we joked and laughed about it. I have another close friend from school who's SEE and we have the same sort of relationship, only we don't go back to being friends as quickly. Semi-duality is tough in some ways, because you're so naturally in tune with the person on some things that you expect to be naturally in tune with them about everything, and when they just don't do those few things, it really annoys you. A lot of conflict in semi-dual relationships (analyzed from a socionics POV) basically boils down to each one shouting at the other, "why aren't you my dual?!?! Act like my dual; it should be easy for you, you're most of the way there, just... grr..." Still, overall, semi-duality is fun, and if you have things that bind you to one another besides socionics (similar interests, similar political or religious views, etc.), I see no reason why it wouldn't be great for a romantic relationship. I mean, not psychologically ideal the way duality is, in theory, but when in life do you get the ideal?

Also, whenever I talk about my little brother and socionics, it makes me think about how one of my best friends from high school and he are duals. It's really cute to watch them together, not that they're dating or ever would date, but it's really funny to watch duality in action in such an obvious way. They connect on everything that he and I don't connect on. Like, really archetypal duality: they wouldn't normally notice one another in a social setting (were they not often in the same social setting b/c of me), they're externally opposite but internally the same... it's just really entertaining to watch, and it's nice when theory and reality have a good fit. Anyway, I know that's not on topic, but I wanted to mention it.

[Nowisthetime]

I was once in a semi-dual relationship with an IEE many years ago. It was very much on/off. Back and forth. Pretty much the same way as described at socionics.com. Especially the following caught my attention, it was exactly like this:

"When it comes to fulfilling joint plans, partners often fail to co-operate. The extrovert partner hardly listens to the introvert, concentrating more on the sound of their own voice. However, the introvert partner does not get upset about this and they often seem to find a way to adapt to it."

I just thought it was cute that she didn't want to listen to me, when we did something together. By the way, has anybody else experienced this with an extroverted semi-dual?

She usually got upset with me because I broke some unwritten "Fi-rule". She also wanted to talk ALOT about our relationship and analyze it. First I was impressed by her relationship-talk, and wanted to be like her, then it started to drain me. When it happened I became quiet and passive, and she thought that I was not taking responsibility for our relationship. And she was probably right about that.

[Blaze]

Well, obviously in socionics theory those two would be semi-duals; I was just saying that I think when you have a strengthened creative function then illusionary relations can feel like semi-duality.
I just noticed that hanging out with my brother this past week in Las Vegas I wasn't tired out that much from my interactions with him, (he's an ESI- sub).

i have noticed this too. i can get along with SLI at first, but then we start to have major misunderstandings, whereas with IEI, we get along great. we do fight, but it's productive fighting, can be exciting, and we make up. you are right, when you are a creative subtype, illlusionary is better than semi dual.

[Gilly]

My first serious relationship was with my semi-dual, an LII. We were very compatible on the surface; even our friends commented on the fact that we seemed appropriate together. However when it came to intimacy, she could not handle my intensity and my "dark" side, and I was unwilling to deal with her expecting me to put forth virtually all of the effort in making things happen. We complimented each other well on the surface, but there were also parts of us that were totally irreconcilable; she felt right, but when it came down to it, we just weren't made for each other.

[Wynch]

I've been with my SLI boyfriend for almost a year now and our differences are quite obvious in how we want other people to do things and how we do things ourselves.

Where intimacy is concerned, he doesn't really know how to set a mood and I have a very difficult time creating the intimacy he needs. I don't take things very seriously, I'm too light-hearted about everything. In contrast, his seriousness can make me uneasy and he just clicks into that mood instantly.

Another way our difference become obvious is when we get into our creative functions. My desire is to sit around mentally disecting an issue and I like having someone to break these things down with. However, you can see his eyes glaze over when I get like that because he's far more practical and hands-on. For instance, if I win or lose a game I like to break down what happened, how it happened, what steps were taken to make it work. Sean doesn't really care about that and clearly has no interest in discussing it with me. He enjoys winning, doesn't like losing and just does what he has to do to get it done.

That said, I'm still quite satisfied with our relationship, it just becomes obvious occasionally where we aren't perfect fits.

[Blaze]

I've been with my SLI boyfriend for almost a year now and our differences are quite obvious in how we want other people to do things and how we do things ourselves.

Where intimacy is concerned, he doesn't really know how to set a mood and I have a very difficult time creating the intimacy he needs. I don't take things very seriously, I'm too light-hearted about everything. In contrast, his seriousness can make me uneasy and he just clicks into that mood instantly.

Another way our difference become obvious is when we get into our creative functions. My desire is to sit around mentally disecting an issue and I like having someone to break these things down with. However, you can see his eyes glaze over when I get like that because he's far more practical and hands-on. For instance, if I win or lose a game I like to break down what happened, how it happened, what steps were taken to make it work. Sean doesn't really care about that and clearly has no interest in discussing it with me. He enjoys winning, doesn't like losing and just does what he has to do to get it done.

That said, I'm still quite satisfied with our relationship, it just becomes obvious occasionally where we aren't perfect fits.

and hidden agenda functions are frustrated. interaction problems relative to polrs. i want emotional warmth and SLI wants flexible distance. we each suck at what the other wants, causing problems in the relationship. i work with an SLI and i can never tell that he wants to be left alone or that he wants some kind of middle distance. all my distances are pretty similar so he gets annoyed. i get annoyed due to the lack of emotional expression and his complete inability to see how i am feeling and respect it. SLI has almost no respect for people's feelings. it's kind of hard to tell at first since they do care about people's comfort, but the better you get to know them the more you can see they don't care how you feel and if you tell them how you feel they lose respect for you.

regarding the contrast with illusionary, i feel like i can do a half decent job with Se and IEI can do a half decent job with Si, although it does feel only half decent, it's not completely disappointing the way it is with SLI.

[Wynch]

and hidden agenda functions are frustrated. interaction problems relative to polrs. i want emotional warmth and SLI wants flexible distance. we each suck at what the other wants, causing problems in the relationship. i work with an SLI and i can never tell that he wants to be left alone or that he wants some kind of middle distance. all my distances are pretty similar so he gets annoyed. i get annoyed due to the lack of emotional expression and his complete inability to see how i am feeling and respect it. SLI has almost no respect for people's feelings. it's kind of hard to tell at first since they do care about people's comfort, but the better you get to know them the more you can see they don't care how you feel and if you tell them how you feel they lose respect for you.

I actually don't have this experience with my BF at all. I would almost say the exact opposite is true. He's very affectionate and can actually edge on attention-whorey with me. Emphasis on "with me". That said, he really can't tell what I want. My best friend actually jokes that he wears the emotional pants in our relationship. While I'm certainly the most expressive of the two of us, he cares more about emotions.

Hahahaha, as I'm writing this my LSI step-mom is bitching to me about my LSE dad's emotional neediness.

[Blaze]

I actually don't have this experience with my BF at all. I would almost say the exact opposite is true. He's very affectionate and can actually edge on attention-whorey with me. Emphasis on "with me". That said, he really can't tell what I want. My best friend actually jokes that he wears the emotional pants in our relationship. While I'm certainly the most expressive of the two of us, he cares more about emotions.

Hahahaha, as I'm writing this my LSI step-mom is bitching to me about my LSE dad's emotional neediness.

yes! yet another example of how individual differences confound type and relationship descriptions. and a work relationship differs quite a bit from a close personal one. great that you get along so well!

[Suz]

Ezra, my new Simi-Dual, get's on my nerves because he is Si PoLR, not really, more like because he doesn't listen to me, always seems to analyze things from perspective rather then from and feels energy-wise to be in too much of a hurry to me and not enough emphasis on my Ne.

Not that your typings really mean much, Maritsa, as we all know by now.

[Beautiful sky]

Ezra, my new Simi-Dual, get's on my nerves because he is Si PoLR, not really, more like because he doesn't listen to me, always seems to analyze things from perspective rather then from and feels energy-wise to be in too much of a hurry to me and not enough emphasis on my Ne.

Ezra's lack of concern for Si manifests in his inability to know when to stop pointing something out to me that he has already done. So, I guess, Si people whould know or be able to recognize in others when a sensation that is caused by something they say or do is enough and they need to stop now.

Does anyone get this feeling?

[Timeless]

My mother is an SLI and we get along almost perfectly.

[Suz]

and hidden agenda functions are frustrated. interaction problems relative to polrs. i want emotional warmth and SLI wants flexible distance. we each suck at what the other wants, causing problems in the relationship. i work with an SLI and i can never tell that he wants to be left alone or that he wants some kind of middle distance. all my distances are pretty similar so he gets annoyed. i get annoyed due to the lack of emotional expression and his complete inability to see how i am feeling and respect it. SLI has almost no respect for people's feelings. it's kind of hard to tell at first since they do care about people's comfort, but the better you get to know them the more you can see they don't care how you feel and if you tell them how you feel they lose respect for you.

regarding the contrast with illusionary, i feel like i can do a half decent job with Se and IEI can do a half decent job with Si, although it does feel only half decent, it's not completely disappointing the way it is with SLI.

Blaze, what do you mean by feelings in this context? do you mean dynamic feelings, or static ones? Or both?

i.e. Do SLIs not care about people's immediate feelings? or in general how people feel about them? because the latter seems more Fi-POLR.

What have your observations been?

[thePirate]

As a newly christened SLI, I doubt anyone will give me any sort of credibility yet in this, but my first major love was ENTp, so my semi-dual.

OH MY GOD I am attracted to ENTp's but it just was doomed to fail. Someone on here once said that semi-duality is one of the easiest relations to start but they end very quickly. I would say in my case that this is surprisingly accurate.

At the beginning it seemed we could not have been more perfect for one another. Something was very clearly missing, however, and he wanted someone very different in the end. So, there you go...

you're not SLI

please stop contributing experiences until u sort out what you are

u crazy bat

[Jarno]

you're not SLI

please stop contributing experiences until u sort out what you are

u crazy bat

thanks for reading my thoughts.

[Suz]

As a newly christened SLI, I doubt anyone will give me any sort of credibility yet in this, but my first major love was ENTp, so my semi-dual.

OH MY GOD I am attracted to ENTp's but it just was doomed to fail. Someone on here once said that semi-duality is one of the easiest relations to start but they end very quickly. I would say in my case that this is surprisingly accurate.

At the beginning it seemed we could not have been more perfect for one another. Something was very clearly missing, however, and he wanted someone very different in the end. So, there you go...

Or as an ESE, the ILEs would have been your activity partner, which would also explain the attraction, the easy to start relationship (you ACTIVATE each other! You see the chemistry right away!), and the feeling of something missing as things go on.

[Gilly]

Less the feeling of something missing, more that it's just too much, not sustainable.

[silverchris9]

Less the feeling of something missing, more that it's just too much, not sustainable.

I'd imagine "something missing" would be more typical of introverted activity pairs, and "too much, not sustainable" would be more typical of extroverted activity pairs, especially EIE/SLE. I think EIEs and SLEs tend to be particularly extroverted in the common sense as well as being extroverts in socionics, largely because there are many cultural environments in the US that really reward extroverted Fe and extroverted Se.

[redbaron]

I'd imagine "something missing" would be more typical of introverted activity pairs, and "too much, not sustainable" would be more typical of extroverted activity pairs, especially EIE/SLE. I think EIEs and SLEs tend to be particularly extroverted in the common sense as well as being extroverts in socionics, largely because there are many cultural environments in the US that really reward extroverted Fe and extroverted Se.

maybe. but I have to say that I can feel that "too much" feeling with any Fe ego type. I have an SEI friend who is absolutely great and we have a good time but there comes a point in our interactions when the Fe is overloaded and there's no more space for it to land--like it's bubbling over and making a mess. Same with ESE husband (and in that case it's even worse). It's fun for awhile but then you need to back off.

[silverchris9]

maybe. but I have to say that I can feel that "too much" feeling with any Fe ego type. I have an SEI friend who is absolutely great and we have a good time but there comes a point in our interactions when the Fe is overloaded and there's no more space for it to land--like it's bubbling over and making a mess. Same with ESE husband (and in that case it's even worse). It's fun for awhile but then you need to back off.

That's true. Luckily Ti-leading types are like Fe-vacuums. And since Juliet's bounty is as boundless as the sea, Romeo is cool just taking it. Which is a bit of a role reversal, archetypally speaking. It's funny that Shakespeare makes Juliet the educator. Maybe Juliet is EIE. I mean, she's so innocent that you want to type her IEI. But Romeo is def LSI. Juliet is sort of generic beta NF (btw, she's archetypally beta NF: "oh I have an ill-divining soul!" No one but a beta NF could EVER say that). But would it be hilarious if Mercutio was really her dual? Wouldn't that be just perfect?

But yeah, back to your point, too much Fe in a room is just frustrating. It's like spinning on air without having any grounding. Se is like grounding. It makes it somewhat meaningful, not just like chasing around nothing.

[Beautiful sky]

maybe. but I have to say that I can feel that "too much" feeling with any Fe ego type. I have an SEI friend who is absolutely great and we have a good time but there comes a point in our interactions when the Fe is overloaded and there's no more space for it to land--like it's bubbling over and making a mess. Same with ESE husband (and in that case it's even worse). It's fun for awhile but then you need to back off.

Calling attention to a person's personal emotions is not Fe ego type; Fe gets information of that kind from external data, as in they see something funny and laugh at it, not express their own deep emotions. Everybody had emotions.

There are many ESFp's who will, in real life, call attention to their hurt emotions, by expressing how the inappropriate response of others effected them emotionally. They are not using Fe in this case either; their emphasis on other's, bond is actually Fi and yes Fi types do have emotions as well.

[Beautiful sky]

you're not SLI

please stop contributing experiences until u sort out what you are

u crazy bat

Stop calling people that, you crazy, nurotic, thing you.

[redbaron]

Calling attention to a person's personal emotions is not Fe ego type; Fe gets information of that kind from external data, as in they see something funny and laugh at it, not express their own deep emotions. Everybody had emotions.

I think you misunderstood me. I wasn't talking about calling attention to anyone's emotions, I was just talking about laughing really hard and junk like that. I meant that the laughing and emotional expression gets to be too much. Like when you've eaten too much ice cream and start feeling sick.

There are many ESFp's who will, in real life, call attention to their hurt emotions, by expressing how the inappropriate response of others effected them emotionally. They are not using Fe in this case either; their emphasis on other's, bond is actually Fi and yes Fi types do have emotions as well.

this sounds like my mother-in-law (who is probably SEE, but could be ESE)

[Beautiful sky]

I think you misunderstood me. I wasn't talking about calling attention to anyone's emotions, I was just talking about laughing really hard and junk like that. I meant that the laughing and emotional expression gets to be too much. Like when you've eaten too much ice cream and start feeling sick.

this sounds like my mother-in-law (who is probably SEE, but could be ESE)

Didn't I VI your mother in law SEE?

[redbaron]

Didn't I VI your mother in law SEE?

No, I don't have any pics of her available to VI.

[thePirate]

Don't call me names.

I just did sort out what I am. Fuck you.

SLI is laughably idiotic as a typing for you

you really dont know how stupid you look right now

[Aiss]

this sounds like my mother-in-law (who is probably SEE, but could be ESE)

As good a reason as any to type her ESE. Especially the bit about inappropriate responses and emotionality.

[redbaron]

As good a reason as any to type her ESE. Especially the bit about inappropriate responses and emotionality.

yeah...

[betterthan]

maybe. but I have to say that I can feel that "too much" feeling with any Fe ego type. I have an SEI friend who is absolutely great and we have a good time but there comes a point in our interactions when the Fe is overloaded and there's no more space for it to land--like it's bubbling over and making a mess. Same with ESE husband (and in that case it's even worse). It's fun for awhile but then you need to back off.

I never get that. Sometimes I think I'd be better with a Fe ego type (but that is craaazy). I love it.

But if you're spending most your time with them, like you and your husband I could see how that'd be different.

[systm919]

If you are talking about Aj then just get with him. :wink:

[Blaze]

Blaze, what do you mean by feelings in this context? do you mean dynamic feelings, or static ones? Or both?

i.e. Do SLIs not care about people's immediate feelings? or in general how people feel about them? because the latter seems more Fi-POLR.

What have your observations been?

just saw this now. like i've heard SLI say, "yeah, look i made her cry, hahahahaha" about a female co worker of mine. they don't care about how other people feel and they don't like discussing their feelings. so, if you tell them how you feel, they think you are a wussy and lose respect for you. if you tell them what you think, this they can deal with.

the other thing that goes on with me and SLI is the Ti-Te tiff. they want to wait and see what facts come forward, whereas i can already see how things are going to go and want to implement strategic systems and negotiate at stratetic intervals.

we work together best when i am thinking of creative ideas that can be implemented right now and he throws practical suggestions that help to bring the idea to the real world. i mean we can get along pretty well, but the emotional part really chafes me. but i am starting to see that he just doesn't think in those terms. i'm trying to copy an IEE coworker, with the flexible distance thing but it's really hard for me to do, esp if i have something exciting i want to talk about or work on. you have to pick when to go to him...and it's hard to tell when since he doesn't show any emotion other than irritation if you picked the wrong time.

[Clumsy]

What have your experiences been like in semi-duality relationships?

What are the biggest problems that arise?

How do you feel about this intertype relationship long term?

[somavision]

What have your experiences been like in semi-duality relationships?

Very good.

What are the biggest problems that arise?

Occasional POLR requests, not really an issue as base function can usually make up for most limitations in this repect.

How do you feel about this intertype relationship long term?

Very Good.

[Beautiful sky]

Way huge emphasis on Se valuing over Si. My semi-dual friend is just like my dual in terms of Te, but he drives me nuts when he goes into projecting the possibilities of how certain events should be used in terms of investing in businesses and opportunity, this sort of hints at his Ni preference, whereas my dual does what needs to be done now...much more at the moment rather than far reaching. My semi-dual's Se is all about getting out and doing things, one event after another, yes, he does plan, like my dual but he's much more chaotic active, which makes him seem like SLE; Ezra, who I've typed as LIE is a good example of this.

[Marie84]

Occasional POLR requests, not really an issue as base function can usually make up for most limitations in this repect.

That's pretty much my main criticism of being with LIE's for elongated periods, I imagine they've felt the same way towards me.

I was straight out told by one that I should have a more "take charge" attitude to get anything done, basically went on to say that if I confronted people more with what I wanted and "didn't take no" for an answer I'd be better off. I didn't really disagree with him, it's just not how I'm wired.
On the other side, I think I pushed-on the Si HA, Ni devaluing thingy a lot when I bring up the whole "lets enjoy today, don't worry about the future" way of doing things and making little quips here and there about the detailing in everything...

I once mentioned to one that she shouldn't have arranged her desk facing near the window because the glare of the sun could be distracting and that she'd have more room to put in a couple plants for decor if she positioned it somewhere else. I don't think she was angry about the mention, but thought it was pointless. At the time I didn't understand her reasoning's though and thought she was being careless

Overall though (outside of my quarda) I prefer to talk to LIE's the most but when it comes to day-to-day things I prefer to be around ESE's

[JWC3]

Great, my semi dual is the shit, a little unmoveable at times but nothing that is any sort of real problem.

[Jarno]

We've had some sort of poll about relationship rankings.

For some people, semi duality scored second place, but usually around 6th.

So I guess it's kind of good, if you don't go for duality.

What my experience is is that the attraction is fast among duality partners, a relationship is quickly established.

[redbaron]

My parents are semi-duals: SEI/IEE (I had previously typed my mom EII rather than IEE but I do think she's IEE). It's fine at first, but over time there is grating on each other. My mother needs Te, my father cannot provide this. Alternatively, my father needs Ti and my mother has nothing there. So... they struggle a bit. Also, it's pretty clear that my mom doesn't appreciate creative Fe too much. She can participate, if in the right mood but grows weary of it very quickly.

oh, I should add: they've been married since 1969 but considered divorce on 2 or three occasions, one of them being very seriously close to it. They're not soul-mates or anything but it could be worse. lol