My interaction with dual is stressful - is this normal?

[applejacks]

wow, I can very much relate, although we're different quadras (SEI-ILE marriage in my case).

I met my husband through acquaintances and it was a much longer process and yes, he "knew" right away, while I couldn't see how it was supposed to "work". It took him a long time to convince and prove me otherwise.

How cool! Did you find yourself ever doubting the relationship once the initial honeymoon stage wore off?

I was infatuated with my husband for about 6 months, and then had a week long period when I contemplated calling things off, simply because I'd come off cloud 9 and was overanalyzing. I'm so thankful I didn't, but once the initial crushing and lovespell wore off, I had to assess the relationship once more and why it worked. I suppose time is the best indicator, and I feel we've only improved with time.

But the only way I can really process our relationship is by watching others and reflecting internally. I've currently been observing a semi-duality relationship, and while I'm envious of their extreme highs (- passion to a point that we do not have), the lows are extremely frightening. The only thing I can conclude is that duals may or may not be everyone. They're comfortable, clear, and understanding. After that initial 6 months though, I think I was doubting whether or not I wanted more of the crazymad, "let's do everything together" passion or compatible/stability, and ultimately compatible/stability was more desired. I couldn't be happier with my choice, and while we do have a bit of that passion, ours feels more consistent and stable.

[mu4]

lol, as I was reading what I wrote I actually thought sth similar "maybe it was Ne " and then I scrolled down to see your post
If that's the case then I had a "glimpse" of Ne working this way when I knew him for about a year and he called me and out of nowhere came this thought "that's gonna be my husband", although on a conscious level I thought otherwise and it took him a few more years before he left the "friendzone"... but once we started a relationship, that was that (and I kept thinking "how on earth didn't I notice him in this light earlier?")

In Filatova's book, there's a part about ILEs where an anecdote about a ILE's mom predicting that his daughter would marry some individual she had met and the daughter didn't think it would happen but of course it occurred. IMO, more or less work similar to this, by openly remarking on potential situations and possibilities that are perceived.

[kopyk]

You can be assured it will never change, as it has not changed since 2007.

Thats atrociously boring & shitty.At least gimme a custom avatar.

[aisa]

How cool! Did you find yourself ever doubting the relationship once the initial honeymoon stage wore off?

I was infatuated with my husband for about 6 months, and then had a week long period when I contemplated calling things off, simply because I'd come off cloud 9 and was overanalyzing. I'm so thankful I didn't, but once the initial crushing and lovespell wore off, I had to assess the relationship once more and why it worked. I suppose time is the best indicator, and I feel we've only improved with time.

But the only way I can really process our relationship is by watching others and reflecting internally. I've currently been observing a semi-duality relationship, and while I'm envious of their extreme highs (- passion to a point that we do not have), the lows are extremely frightening. The only thing I can conclude is that duals may or may not be everyone. They're comfortable, clear, and understanding. After that initial 6 months though, I think I was doubting whether or not I wanted more of the crazymad, "let's do everything together" passion or compatible/stability, and ultimately compatible/stability was more desired. I couldn't be happier with my choice, and while we do have a bit of that passion, ours feels more consistent and stable.

yeah, there was a moment of "waking up", but I was in a haze for a longer period of time than you (2 years in my case)

It's definitely less of a rollercoaster than some relationships I've observed (and one I was in with a person who most likely had bpd - that was drama allll the time...) But as long as we don't fall into the trap of thinking "it's so easy that it's a given" - we're good.
I was in a (short) semi-duality relationship a while before and it was less passionate ime, so probably it depends on the people involved.
I have a bit of a "short fuse" so I guess I provide periodical shaking every now and then. It's not the "drama queen" style - it's just sort of an "Italian temperament" as my family says... I can relate to Donald Duck

In Filatova's book, there's a part about ILEs where an anecdote about a ILE's mom predicting that his daughter would marry some individual she had met and the daughter didn't think it would happen but of course it occurred. IMO, more or less work similar to this, by openly remarking on potential situations and possibilities that are perceived.

yeah, that'd be consistent with my experience of that "glimpse" and also with what my husband told me ("out of all the girls I knew at that time you were the only one that I thought of "this could be my wife").
Hmm... and then you get all the creativity that comes with Ne (which is sth I used since childhood being partially raised by an EII grandmother) and the inventiveness I see in my husband and more and more in myself (feels like I'm currently in Ne development phase - although earlier than it is supposed to be common age-wise).
In my eyes my husband is pretty much "Iron Man" - gotta love than Ne

oh, and I just remembered my ILI mum once said - "you should be with smn like [insert my husband's name]" (when I was in a relationship with somebody else, and she'd seen my husband only once from a distance) - so Ni does it similar with predictions relationship-wise I guess.

[mu4]

yeah, that'd be consistent with my experience of that "glimpse" and also with what my husband told me ("out of all the girls I knew at that time you were the only one that I thought of "this could be my wife").
Hmm... and then you get all the creativity that comes with Ne (which is sth I used since childhood being partially raised by an EII grandmother) and the inventiveness I see in my husband and more and more in myself (feels like I'm currently in Ne development phase - although earlier than it is supposed to be common age-wise).
In my eyes my husband is pretty much "Iron Man" - gotta love than Ne

oh, and I just remembered my ILI mum once said - "you should be with smn like [insert my husband's name]" (when I was in a relationship with somebody else, and she'd seen my husband only once from a distance) - so Ni does it similar with predictions relationship-wise I guess.

Both ILI and ILE have strong intuition so things can be quite similar, however remarks are more objective sounding and the communication of the information is meant as something more definite in a real sense. conveys more subjective content and is more definite from a motivational sense. However as intuitions these are not exactly the most definite of information.

[Slacker]

Your dual is not just your dual. He/she is also an individual person with a unique history, and with his/her own opinions about politics, religion, etc. Those things can trip couples up regardless of duality. And money is a big issue in relationships where money is scarce. There's lots of arguing about where the money should go an that can create problems no matter the relationship. There are plenty of potential problems for any couple, including duals. I think my husband and I get along so well because we happen to agree about all of those issues in addition to being duals. But people are complicated. Any person could have a hang-up that could show up during a relationship and trip things up.

[Iris]

My Russian college roommate, who eventually taught me socionics, would often come drunk into my room, sit/lay down on my floor, and start saying with great sadness, "not every dual is your dual."

She was SLE and was in love with her IEI thesis advisor.

That is so Russian.

[TheWholeEnglish]

The only person I know that's my dual keeps taking my hand and using it to hit me in the face, and then I say "hey, stop that!" But he just keeps doing it and hes like "why are you hittin yourself?! Why are you hittin yourself?!" and I'm like "Stop it, guy!!!" And then I start crying and stuff because he wont stop and then he's like "oh, you dont like that? Well why dont you stop hittin yourself then?!" And it stresses me out a lot.

[Kalinoche buenanoche]

maybe he expects Fe/Se as in u pretending to like it or putting on extra effort to stop it.Also, maybe as a SLE he wants to see how far you can go in defending urself sometimes by testing it in tongue-in-cheek situations. SLE wants IEI to be strong whereas LSE appreciates needy EII (esp Te and Fi subs).Especially of the unhealthy.SEE-ILI are in-between

[TheWholeEnglish]

maybe he expects Fe/Se as in u pretending to like it or putting on extra effort to stop it.Also, maybe as a SLE he wants to see how far you can go in defending urself sometimes by testing it in tongue-in-cheek situations. SLE wants IEI to be strong whereas LSE appreciates needy EII (esp Te and Fi subs).Especially of the unhealthy.SEE-ILI are in-between

To be fair, it was because I had put rat poison on his pizza, so I guess it was appropriate.

[Kalinoche buenanoche]

y dont u just agree and register this as sle-iei duality for ever and ever

lets build sth nice and real =<<<<<<<<<<<<<<,,

[Reficulris]

The only person I know that's my dual keeps taking my hand and using it to hit me in the face, and then I say "hey, stop that!" But he just keeps doing it and hes like "why are you hittin yourself?! Why are you hittin yourself?!" and I'm like "Stop it, guy!!!" And then I start crying and stuff because he wont stop and then he's like "oh, you dont like that? Well why dont you stop hittin yourself then?!" And it stresses me out a lot.

It's obvious to me now, you're SEI and not IEI. IEI's would obviously like that! Why didn't I see this before?!?!?! Now go clean my dishes and dook my meals ;-)

edit: next time he's eating breakfast and holds a knive grab his wrist and have him stab himself a few times, Beta Romance

[Absurd]

Sane IEI is a myth, @Ankh.

[Reficulris]

That did not sound like a game at all. Aggressor-victim games exist, but they are not like that. The games give a way out for the victim. A bit like cat and mouse play, allowing for an escape. That was much more direct and made to put down. To me it sounds like he was pissed off or a jerk. I don't think SLEs want IEIs to be strong in a "take my punches" way. That would be more IEI.... I just want my dual to be nice with me and to be sane.

To me SLE's are always "using kidgloves" as in, they are not agressive ever. I'd say the behaviour TWE describes is actually a wacked up Intuitive Logical (I suspect ILI) as it screams total lack of awareness of boundaries and/or social skills to me.

That said, i've played "games" with dates where i'd walk in such a way that they were obivously going to walk into a wall, which was fun BECAUSE the could anticipate and had a way out (by shoving me against a wall or smth) so it could be a particularly stupid ILE who has my sense of humor but lacks the awareness to do it right

Doesn't sound like SLE at all, they're more grab, let go, grab, let go than punch punch punch (I'd sooner see a SLE tickly someone to death than actually punching them, that is, if they like them. If cornered by enemies all bets are off)

[TheWholeEnglish]

That did not sound like a game at all. Aggressor-victim games exist, but they are not like that. The games give a way out for the victim. A bit like cat and mouse play, allowing for an escape. That was much more direct and made to put down. To me it sounds like he was pissed off or a jerk. I don't think SLEs want IEIs to be strong in a "take my punches" way. That would be more IEI.... I just want my dual to be nice with me and to be sane.

He also tore the arm off of my stuffed animal.

[TheWholeEnglish]

It's obvious to me now, you're SEI and not IEI. IEI's would obviously like that! Why didn't I see this before?!?!?! Now go clean my dishes and dook my meals ;-)

edit: next time he's eating breakfast and holds a knive grab his wrist and have him stab himself a few times, Beta Romance

lololololol thats just what i did!!!!

[aisa]

umm... can't help myself but think... wtf? sounds like telenovela

[TheWholeEnglish]

umm... can't help myself but think... wtf? sounds like telenovela

We were speaking in Spanish because he had kidnapped me and taken me off to Columbia (he's in the drug trade) and he was also dressed in a bee costume with eyeliner stamped onto his cheeks to look like freckles. It didnt seem like it at the time, but I guess it was a lot like a telenovela.

[Absurd]

@Ankh, there are some people who envy SLE-IEI duality.

[epheme]

Sane IEI is a myth, @Ankh.

[IBTL]

@Ankh, there are some people who envy SLE-IEI duality.

...

[IBTL]

...

[Beautiful sky]

My dual relationship now is pretty without drama or argument, and we really have nothing to argue about as we agree about most stuff, I'm home with the kids so we have no arguments there, no money problems, agree about religion and politics, none of the common issues that couples have. The first few months or so living together though were at least somewhat an adjustment. We had that one big fight. Then no more fights for like 10 years, and then one other fight. It really is pretty darn drama free. Of course a dual relationship involving an SLI might look different than a dual relationship involving an EIE. LOL.

But anyway, this is a dual relationship 10-15 years later. A dual relationship at the beginning is going to take a bit of work because any time you stop putting yourself and your individual needs first, it's an adjustment. Living together is another adjustment initially, because you have to come to agreement on a trillion little things. We didn't have trouble coming to agreement except for that one fight, but we did have to find agreement on stuff like what time to eat, who does the cooking (when we were both working), who does the laundry, how do you sort laundry - as you take it off or all at once on laundry day, bathroom cleaning, how to best load the dishwasher, not leaving clothes on the floor. I mean there are millions of these issues, most of them pretty small but each one involved a discussion and agreement. Our one fight was over priorities - if work and home conflict, who wins? The Delta answer is "home", however I was not raised by Deltas and I thought "work" is what anyone would choose.

@Smilex

[Sol]

Duality is only one of important traits for good relations. So to have not perfect relations with any human is common. Relations can be improved with efforts, where duality allows to make lesser of them for good result.

Also it's often wrong types, with today typing methods. An average chance to identify correctly IR ~20%. Between dual and superego/conflictor the difference is not so huge. To have significant and stable doubts in yourself in communications, to feel badly after - the trait common for not good IR.

[Ruby13357]

Dual interactions stressed me too.

I remembered there was this SLE that I used to work for. She had lots in common with me and I was drawn to her and wanted to become close friends with her, but I noticed that she kept favoritising my IEI coworker over me.

I realised that duals are people whom I admire from afar, but it doesn't necessarily guarantee that we would be able to become friends.

[BrainlessSquid]

Stressful most of the time? Very unlikely to be duality, generally speaking. Of course, all realities coexist, so it's not impossible

[Squirrel]

If it's for a long time without interruption , example : you live and spend most of your day together, it will become exhausting for reasons including:

1- you will feel incompetent in your weak functions , of course you will learn something and that's wonderful, but you have someone with you who unintentionally reminds you all the time that you are weak and incompetent in his strong functions.

2- Mobilizing and Suggestive functions are in a block where a person only takes what he needs , therefore, you will feel bored and unwilling after a while unless you stop communicating for a while and then come back

[Sol]

Is this common for dual interaction in the beginning

Duality among IR should give the least of doubts about you "did or said the wrong thing".

> or something unrelated to socionics?

Such factors may to exist _too_.

While, in common duals are not duals. If it's close to mistake superego/conflictor - you'll get the said much.

[theum nathair]

most of these anecdotes sound unrelated to sociotype.

If socionics is right about anything, decisive types will have grown into themselves in a sort of crucible. Tracing this to its natural conclusions, some people exhibit greater immunity to certain stressors. β can take a lot of stress for short periods without breaking and even in prolonged difficulties may bear up reasonably well when they've friends near by, yet they can collapse spectacularly in cases of betrayal; α can take a lot of playful emotional drama and don't mind about privacy; γ can deal with protracted pressurised situations in relative solitude but don't appreciate emotional outbursts; δ are very accepting of whispered gossip which others might term slander yet allergic to emotional manipulation and tend to suffer in unfamiliar or competitive situations

Alternatively, I suppose one could experience a sort of 'fridge horror' upon realising a bunch of old or dead russians, having no intention to persecute you personally, have paired your type with the chaotic Eps. Now you've got to weigh your fundamental desire to die alone against the possibility of spending your life in company of provocative twats

[Finaplex]

most of these anecdotes sound unrelated to sociotype.

If socionics is right about anything, decisive types will have grown into themselves in a sort of crucible. Tracing this to its natural conclusions, some people exhibit greater immunity to certain stressors. β can take a lot of stress for short periods without breaking and even in prolonged difficulties may bear up reasonably well when they've friends near by, yet they can collapse spectacularly in cases of betrayal; α can take a lot of playful emotional drama and don't mind about privacy; γ can deal with protracted pressurised situations in relative solitude but don't appreciate emotional outbursts; δ are very accepting of whispered gossip which others might term slander yet allergic to emotional manipulation and tend to suffer in unfamiliar or competitive situations

Alternatively, I suppose one could experience a sort of 'fridge horror' upon realising a bunch of old or dead russians, having no intention to persecute you personally, have paired your type with the chaotic Eps. Now you've got to weigh your fundamental desire to die alone against the possibility of spending your life in company of provocative twats