When Mirage Partners find duals

[calm]

I'm an ILI dating my mirage IEE. I think we are experiencing the effects of Mirage relations. We're both apparently fighting this drug addiction that is our relationship and seeking dual energy now more than ever.

I was able to meet my dual on Tinder (I have my profile switched to women to find new friends) All my friends were ENFPs and it was draining constantly bouncing from enfp to enfp. So much time has slipped away from me. And the mirage with my friends as with him exposed itself in their inability to give me the Se I desire, making empty promises, wasting time.

I now understand how to deal with those friendships and luckily, I've been experiencing duality effects with this new girl friend who has also introduced me to another girl who's my semi-dual. All this DS energy restored me after having gone through a stress-induced loop. I was hyperfocused on training for work and he was all over me then but Now that I'm free and healthy ready to focus on my IEE and it seems like he's focusing on himself more and neglecting me.

He's detaching, watching porn instead of inviting me over. It's been rough. I imagine this is what he experienced when I was in hyper-focus mode. I notice I too detach during this time and require less of his physical stimulation. Also calls and texts dwindle (we don't live together) much to the dismay of the other person...

A woman from his past reemerged and I suspect her to be his dual as she is deceptively similar to me but possessing the caretaker qualities I lack (I read her blog bc my intuition was so strong). He said he was inexplicably drawn to speak to her and become friends with her again. I suspect that during this time of cooling off from me he is pursuing/ idealizing that.

I can tell she's triggering his need to come off as worthy. He's in the gym, he's focusing on career goals more. This is a girl he is not good enough for as I've accepted him. And that's what's killed our drives. Acceptance to one anothers flaws due to an inability to solve them adequately.

I love him and if we were still in FWB stage it'd be easier to let him go pursue something that might be better but now that I'm emotionally invested I don't want to lose him. I can't stand to go back to the way we were knowing he'll more than likely jump to be in a relationship with this girl. (With me, though stagnant in his career, his growth did entail him learning what should and shouldnt be done in a relationship, and he became turned off by the idea casual sex). He will most likely pursue this girl over going back to his usual ways. And he such an amazing guy I just know they will hit it off and I'm kindof jealous.

I had been hoping to find him a male dual friend so that I can test out this theory that with the right outside influences we can be our healthiest selves and thrive together in our relationship. Wishful thinking? Probably.

I'm afraid I will lose him to his dual.
But on the other hand our relationship is passionate... most of the time. But my needs arent being met. He hasn't taken me on dates. He used to blame it on employment issues but he'd still go out with friends and never once suggest we do something or engage in bringing my travel fantasies to life. We both passive aggressively describe what we want which falls on deaf ears to the other, but I find with my DS energized I'm more willing to compromise...

How do I get him to tell me what is going on if he's having the same thought, doubts, concerns? Should I allow his dual into the fold? I will surely lose him.


I know with Ni nemisis he's worried about what he wants and he's probably really conflicted with that... But I hate that he's keeping me in the dark. When we were just friends, I was the easiest person for him to talk to.

When I got my DS energy, I was satisfied enough to set my sights on fixing us. But because his dual is a girl, we're doomed. Or so says my Ni. Did we have a chance at all, even with DS energy? Will I have to swallow my pride and watch him be taken away from me by someone better for him? He would always call me the best thing to happen to him... There goes that. The best thing to happen to him would be breaking up with me wouldn't it?...

TLDR: Dont, I'm a mess. I really just needed to rant I suppose... Actually please read, skim at least. I'm desparate.

[ooo]

sweety, love doesn't follow IR, follow your heart, forget socionics.

[Beautiful sky]

What makes a good relationship?

-Respect for one another without respect love is just an empty word
-Independence (your own space to pursue your own interests)
-you being happy all on your own without a relationship
-waiting through the bad times (to see if good times emerge)
-enduring in suffering (patience) being able to work through tough times
-sex
-looking at your gut feelings (do you feel disturbed at how the person’ handles conflicts)

Etc.

If you look at these components and feel like the intimacy is waning, the mutual respect is going then it’s time to move on.

[Beautiful sky]

I was dating an ESE once. Loved him in every way. Caring considerate, great In bed, protective, provider.... however, his Fe would jump up and strangle me every time he reacted to the slightest misfortune in his life with screaming about the event that happened to him. It made me very uncomfortable to be in such a high emotionally charged environment. He would feel happy, elated, gloomy, so gloomy it made me feel so bad for him, screaming, nervous energy. It was too much for me. I loved him. He’s still my friend but love was not enough. My emotions in my guts would turn over in anxiety and there’s was not much for an Fi like me to do but to remain calm and let them pass. I broke up because of the uncomfortableness.

[Adam Strange]

You can't really make someone love you. If he leaves. then just find someone whom you like better. Believe me, there are lots of people out there who would want to be with you.

[MrsTortilla]

@calm - if it isn’t right, and you see him going after his dual, and you see how good it is with dual friends, maybe it’s time to make the hard choice to move on. Even though you love him, I fear sticking around will only hurt you more. It’s hard to hear but be thankful you don’t have kids yet because that’s when parting becomes an agony to contemplate. I think if you leave you will find a dual out there who will give you what you need and you’ll be so much happier in the long run. Best of luck to you.

[Alonzo]

What I appreciate so much about ITR is that it keeps me from wasting my precious time and the already small amount of emotional capital I have set aside for matters of the heart. One of the reasons why I prefer to stay within the Gamma Quadra is because there are (theoretically) better odds of finding someone with whom I am highly compatible, and, therefore, fewer odds of being left/abandoned/rejected/set aside by my mate for a cognitively "more attractive" option. Why be second/third/fourth best when you can be someone's "EVERYTHING?" I've been involved in passion-filled, romantic entanglements with mirage partners, semi-duals, beneficiaries, etc... but none EVER leave as lasting an impact as a dual, activator, or identical.
You don't want to play second fiddle? STICK WITH YOUR OWN "KIND!" lol Joking, but not.

[calm]

What I appreciate so much about ITR is that it keeps me from wasting my precious time and the already small amount of emotional capital I have set aside for matters of the heart. One of the reasons why I prefer to stay within the Gamma Quadra is because there are (theoretically) better odds of finding someone with whom I am highly compatible, and, therefore, fewer odds of being left/abandoned/rejected/set aside by my mate for a cognitively "more attractive" option. Why be second/third/fourth best when you can be someone's "EVERYTHING?" I've been involved in passion-filled, romantic entanglements with mirage partners, semi-duals, beneficiaries, etc... but none EVER leave as lasting an impact as a dual, activator, or identical.
You don't want to play second fiddle? STICK WITH YOUR OWN "KIND!" lol Joking, but not.

I woke up with this exact thought, that's amazing. I totally agree with sticking in Gamma for romantic relationships. I've always pitied those who made the wrong choices and have children and financial burdens to consider. I'm in my early 20s I don't want to waste time.

[calm]

@calm - if it isn’t right, and you see him going after his dual, and you see how good it is with dual friends, maybe it’s time to make the hard choice to move on. Even though you love him, I fear sticking around will only hurt you more. It’s hard to hear but be thankful you don’t have kids yet because that’s when parting becomes an agony to contemplate. I think if you leave you will find a dual out there who will give you what you need and you’ll be so much happier in the long run. Best of luck to you.

Thank you for your well wishes. I am getting more and more used to the idea of moving on with each day. I think he is too. The "I love yous" seem forced and superficial now. And it stung at first but it's become less and less painful.

[calm]

What makes a good relationship?

-Respect for one another without respect love is just an empty word
-Independence (your own space to pursue your own interests)
-you being happy all on your own without a relationship
-waiting through the bad times (to see if good times emerge)
-enduring in suffering (patience) being able to work through tough times
-sex
-looking at your gut feelings (do you feel disturbed at how the person’ handles conflicts)

Etc.

If you look at these components and feel like the intimacy is waning, the mutual respect is going then it’s time to move on.

My biggest fear is losing him as a friend and having this end bad for us. I want to remain amicable and I'm confident we can with the right distance.