Adventures in Dating

[Bethanyclaire]

yeah so I'll see how it goes in the next month or so on the dating apps. I genuinely find it so hard to find people on them. I probably am still being a little too fussy when it comes to 'type'. But I have been trying for a long time (ok 10 months) to not match with people based on type and haven't had much luck. People just don't come across well on apps..I may even give up on them. I have this idea of going to a nightclub by myself every weekend until I meet someone. I'm sure it's what most men do lol. And not seedy clubs, nice ones.

When I was first using dating apps, two plus years ago, I actually did match with a couple of people I really liked the look of. Little did I know, how rare it was. I wasn't 'ready' to date and didn't end up meeting them. But they seemed keen. They were Estp and Entp. Who am I to know if they were really more long term material than other people I've matched with. But they did stand out. I suppose it happens in real life too, that some people you meet wow you at first and some don't.

[Fluffy Princess Unicorn]

Trying to be understood by anyone vastly different than you sometimes winds up as arguing to try to get your side across and having communication failures because each of you cannot conceptualize those things outside of the realm of their own experiences. It's too foreign to each other. That is what I learned from the LIE ex. As for the ESI friend, everything is understood and related to, and I am thoroughly understood with minimal effort.

[Adam Strange]

I’m texting with an ESI on Match who keeps bringing up the word “whores”. What the fuck does this mean? Does it mean she feels guilty about wanting to date, or is this something else? Childhood issues? Some heretofore undocumented feature of ESIs? Raised in Nevada? What?

I for sure can’t tell.

[crazymaisy]

Maybe she's a big fan of Whores.

[Adam Strange]

Maybe she's a big fan of Whores.

God, I hope not.

[Armitage]

I’m texting with an ESI on Match who keeps bringing up the word “whores”. What the fuck does this mean? Does it mean she feels guilty about wanting to date, or is this something else? Childhood issues? Some heretofore undocumented feature of ESIs? Raised in Nevada? What?

I for sure can’t tell.

Just ask her. If her explanation isn't satisfying, I'd recommend you to pass this one up, because she doesn't sound all too mentally stable. Also, if your brain is now saying: "But I'm neither all too stable.", then that isn't an excuse to date someone who will only worsen it. Either way, good luck, Adam!

[Fluffy Princess Unicorn]

Just ask her.

Yes. Always a better option than speculating.

[Armitage]

@Lady Leviathan, I like my waters shaken, not stirred.

[Fluffy Princess Unicorn]

@Lady Leviathan, I like my waters shaken, not stirred.

Hahah...coincidentally, I thought that part of my sig sounded lame and removed it just before reading this.

You wouldn't want me to shake it up though

[lookin4waifu]

triggered

[Fluffy Princess Unicorn]

triggered

The fuck do you know? Not a thing.

[lookin4waifu]

The fuck do you know? Not a thing.

You’re misunderstanding me. I’m triggered because I need to lose weight and you said “tipping the scales” lol.

Major Fe polr hit too (I’m ILI, can’t read nuance sorry).

There, I saved you a “how so”.

[Ocean Man]

triggered

[Lord Pixel]

Trying to be understood by anyone vastly different than you sometimes winds up as arguing to try to get your side across and having communication failures because each of you cannot conceptualize those things outside of the realm of their own experiences. It's too foreign to each other. That is what I learned from the LIE ex. As for the ESI friend, everything is understood and related to, and I am thoroughly understood with minimal effort.

ex?

[Fluffy Princess Unicorn]

ex?

Not going to answer. I shouldn't have posted about it, it's no one's business.

[Armitage]

Me right now: Wants to say something, doesn't know what to say, doesn't say anything in the end. I should say something! But I've got no clue as to what? I have not been trained for this, this is feeling territory!
I don't know if this comes across right, but I'm sorry for your loss, @Lady Leviathan.

[Fluffy Princess Unicorn]

Me right now: Wants to say something, doesn't know what to say, doesn't say anything in the end. I should say something! But I've got no clue as to what? I have not been trained for this, this is feeling territory!
I don't know if this comes across right, but I'm sorry for your loss, @Lady Leviathan.

We're good, actually, but thanks. I just overreact sometimes. I get over it, though.

[Bethanyclaire]

I got chatted up by a very young guy yday lol. Well, he wouldn’t leave me alone..far too young to fancy or keep in touch with but it was lovely to speak with him. He was SEI-fe, a particular type of SEI-fe that I meet rarely but I’ve come to know it as my most fave type of person. It’s nice to think there’s more than one of them out there. And funny to think you can connect with someone so naturally, despite them being half your age. I think this type of person is my faux dual. I think I feel safe with them as they remind me of my parents but also of me. ESE/SLI/IEI combo. A light floaty cheeky SEI prince. Sweet.

[Armitage]

I got chatted up by a very young guy yday lol. Well, he wouldn’t leave me alone..far too young to fancy or keep in touch with but it was lovely to speak with him. He was SEI-fe, a particular type of SEI-fe that I meet rarely but I’ve come to know it as my most fave type of person. It’s nice to think there’s more than one of them out there. And funny to think you can connect with someone so naturally, despite them being half your age. I think this type of person is my faux dual. I think I feel safe with them as they remind me of my parents but also of me. ESE/SLI/IEI combo. A light floaty cheeky SEI prince. Sweet.

Why not give him a chance? If he is an adult, he is entitled to making his own decisions in life. Love is love. Just be sure to meet up safely, but that's my general advice regarding dating applications.

[Bethanyclaire]

Why not give him a chance? If he is an adult, he is entitled to making his own decisions in life. Love is love. Just be sure to meet up safely, but that's my general advice regarding dating applications.

aww no he really was too young. Would have been far too weird. Sometimes a chance encounter is beautiful in and of itself It did make me feel happy..made me realise that there is a special type of SEI who likes me, and all the hurt that the SEI-fe from work caused me, wasn't meant to be. Or it was, but I have to move on because deep down I know he'd take away the hurt if he could because he did care even if he doesn't feel like he can show it. The boy on the night out was equally as charming and the attention was flattering and almost felt like a sign that I was right all along, when I felt the strong connection with the SEI at work. Even if it wasn't quite meant to be.

[Fluffy Princess Unicorn]

I figure i'm always venting and I should add the good things (which are many) for a change...but then it just seems like PDA and makes me feel uncomfortable. Mother fucker. Well, that, and I consider those who might be lonely and single, and how sharing may just have the same effect as rubbing it in someone else's face that I have something wonderful that they don't have. Yet, if I don't share the positives, I'm then painting an imbalanced negative image of my partner.

This is why I am best with 1 on 1 where I can read the individual and avoid sensitivities in a way that's specifically tailored to what that person is able to hear. I can't predict all of the possible reactions of 75474885336 people on a forum, I have to know someone and predict just their's. My sharing never belonged on a forum.

[VewyScawwyNawcissist]

I dont like it when someone beli3ves their voice doesnt belong. Its harmful to censor someone bc their happiness or grief makes u uncomfortable.

[Armitage]

Well, that, and I consider those who might be lonely and single, and how sharing may just have the same effect as rubbing it in someone else's face that I have something wonderful that they don't have. Yet, if I don't share the positives, I'm then painting an imbalanced negative image of my partner.

That's kind of you, but not necessary, because I'm happy for your happiness.

[Lord Pixel]

Not going to answer. I shouldn't have posted about it, it's no one's business.

My bad for prying.

[Fluffy Princess Unicorn]

My bad for prying.

No, all good ^^

[Fluffy Princess Unicorn]

I dont like it when someone beli3ves their voice doesnt belong. Its harmful to censor someone bc their happiness or grief makes u uncomfortable.

If you meant me, I don't view it as my voice not belonging, and I have 0 problems with making my voice heard. I'm simply considering how my choices might affect others.

[Adam Strange]

My EII secretary is divorced and so am I, and I took her out to dinner and we were discussing our misadventures in dating.

I think that she and I both wish that we were more compatible, but we’re both pretty realistic about what we have together and what we’re missing.

She said that it was really hard to find “the One. That person who will be the last person.”
She said that her dates always start out with high hopes and then go downhill. She said she’s always waiting for that other shoe to drop, by which she meant, discovering that the well-dressed guy across the table is really an axe-murderer.

I told her that I solved the “compatibility” problem by only dating Duals, but within the Dual domain, I’m still looking for a good friend.

She asked me about the ESIs I’ve dated recently, particularly if they are jealous of other women.

I said that they appear to be lethally jealous. The ESI-Fi nurse hated the ESI-Se interior decorator, and the ESI-Se interior decorator said that the ESI-Fi nurse was damaged and wasn’t good enough for me.

The EII thought about that for a second and said, “Everyone wants to feel that they are Number One, and when they don’t get that, it kind of poisons the relationship.”

I said, “Well, you’re my Number One secretary. Never leave me, because I can’t replace you.”

She laughed at that, but it’s true.

[rizz]

WE SHALL TRUMP

[InterPrizeWes]

My EII secretary is divorced and so am I, and I took her out to dinner and we were discussing our misadventures in dating.

I think that she and I both wish that we were more compatible, but we’re both pretty realistic about what we have together and what we’re missing.

She said that it was really hard to find “the One. That person who will be the last person.”
She said that her dates always start out with high hopes and then go downhill. She said she’s always waiting for that other shoe to drop, by which she meant, discovering that the well-dressed guy across the table is really an axe-murderer.

I told her that I solved the “compatibility” problem by only dating Duals, but within the Dual domain, I’m still looking for a good friend.

She asked me about the ESIs I’ve dated recently, particularly if they are jealous of other women.

I said that they appear to be lethally jealous. The ESI-Fi nurse hated the ESI-Se interior decorator, and the ESI-Se interior decorator said that the ESI-Fi nurse was damaged and wasn’t good enough for me.

The EII thought about that for a second and said, “Everyone wants to feel that they are Number One, and when they don’t get that, it kind of poisons the relationship.”

I said, “Well, you’re my Number One secretary. Never leave me, because I can’t replace you.”

She laughed at that, but it’s true.

Searching the whole wide world for your perfect fit sounds like a big game of whack a mole at Chuckecheeses, getting on a big chase for everything that seems like a golden opportunity, but really just turned out to be an illusory and fleeting hope of the crown on top to make the 2 of you king and queen together forever.

[Hawk]

This is why people commit not just to a relationship but making it work for the long haul. The idea someone can get married and live the princess lifestyle is a fantasy. Having a culture that allows a breakup and departure with cash and prizes for any reason, while another's life gets shattered doesn't help. Marriage is supposed to be until death do you part. Not, "unless you feel like it".

[Armitage]

The EII thought about that for a second and said, “Everyone wants to feel that they are Number One, and when they don’t get that, it kind of poisons the relationship.”

I believe this is the EII hinting that she would have liked being your number one.

I said, “Well, you’re my Number One secretary.

This is probably the coldest way of telling someone that you're not interested into her, it's even worse than: "I don't see you as a lover, because you're a sister to me." It would be approriate for you to change your profile name from Adam Strange into Adam Savage.

She laughed at that

She laughed a sad laugh in which she accepted her defeat to never being able to date you.

Seriously Adam, ask your ESI-Se decorator what she thinks of your EII secretary, because I'm very interested to hear her thoughts.

Searching the whole wide world for your perfect fit sounds like a big game of whack a mole at Chuckecheeses, getting on a big chase for everything that seems like a golden opportunity, but really just turned out to be an illusory and fleeting hope of the crown on top to make the 2 of you king and queen together forever.

I actually agree with Bunny here, because your fixation on finding the perfect partner does not take into consideration that we are all flawed people. As Carl von Clausewitz famously said: "The enemy of the good is the dream of perfection." Perfection doesn't exist, duals will also have arguments. I know that you know this, but you don't seem willing to admit this emotionally to yourself, even though your fixation on duality is the cause of your loneliness. I get the impression that you have been focusing on Socionics for so long that you no longer see the people behind the sociotypes. Socionics is meant to help you understand and work on your relations, not to follow as an instruction manual for which people you want to associate with. Adam, you really have to work on your Fi with some insightful help from others, because you cannot substitute your very own feelings and principles with psychological theories. I know, because I studied psychology for that very reason and had to go through quite some experiences to realize that that is not how life works. From there I started working on myself, and although I'm a flawed person too and still have to work on my Se, I have come a long way with my Fi.

@Lady Leviathan, could you tell Adam, please, because perhaps you may get through to him? I see him digging his own grave with the way he approaches life for the last half a decade and it worries me, but I see that he has invested too much into it to be willing to give up that easily. He's entrapped in the sunk cost fallacy. Honestly, I don't know what I should do to shake you out of it and to finally begin living life again, Adam.

I abhor his politics, but I love the memes! The guy's so ridiculously hilarious, there's just no way not to laugh!

[Tallmo]

I went dancing on Friday. A band was playing in a pub. They play Finnish tangos and traditional dance music. The lead singer is Dutch who sings in Finnish, this makes the band almost like a joke. They are not great but they can play. It's like a small orchestra with bass, violin, brass, guitar and singer.

I entered the pub. That's always exciting, and even a little frightening. There were some familiar faces, the same people go to these social dance events. I bought a beer and stood by the bar looking around. An older woman came and asked me to dance. We danced and I noticed that she was very drunk. I did my best anyway out of politeness. She said that she had been here for 30 years.

I spotted a familiar face and asked her to dance. She is good, we have danced before. While we were dancing I spotted a younger attractive woman outside the dance floor enthusiastically moving her body and looking at the band. Nobody had asked her to dance. I thought, maybe I should ask her.

Then the same old drunk woman came and asked for another dance. I wasn't happy about it, but I agreed. This time she was trying to concentrate despite being drunk. After the normal two dances she looked so happy and asked if we should continue dancing. I declined, saying that I need to dance with other women also. (I think that was an honest way to put it). I don't really mind cougars, they can be really nice and attractive, but she was too drunk and not attractive.

I approached the attractive girl I had spotted before and asked her to dance. She was a little surprised and gave the normal "instinctual" excuse, "I can't dance". But then her friend was just "I'll hold your beer, now go!". So we danced and she was also drunk, but very energetic. She was so energetic that I told her that she can lead if she wants to. I think it's a way for me to flirt sometimes, telling a girl that she can lead if she wants to. Switching roles can be exciting. She stared at me dramatically all the time, but I couldn't look her in the eyes, I had to pay attention to the dancing. After the dance she said she had enjoyed it and me being so determined or something. I was just leading the normal way, but sometimes this makes an impression on girls. She seemed Se, a drunk Se, but I can't tell the type. Could be Se base, or ESE or something else.

Nothing happened that evening, but it's exciting how easy it can be to make contact at these events. Sometimes adventure happens, sometimes not.

Are Finnish men generally conservative? (probably) Why aren't they dancing with the attractive unknown women standing some distance from the dance floor. I had no competition from other men. These girls can't really dance, they just happen to be there. But that's even better. This is a great opportunity.

New events coming up. I might return to this thread again.

[sea nymph]

I said, “Well, you’re my Number One secretary. Never leave me, because I can’t replace you.”

She laughed at that, but it’s true.

Adorable. Lol

[lookin4waifu]

Went to the club for the first time in a while (I figured it would be good to dance and sweat a bit to help me lose some belly fat) and got chatted up by a dual. Run of the mill experience, as usual said dual asked me to be her fiancé and get married and live with her, yadda yadda, while claiming she can’t have a steady partner because she likes to “live at her own pace” (okay? As in getting smashed 24/7 past age 30?)

What’s with all these psycho duals I keep on meeting? Are there no remotely normal people outside anymore? I thought I was losing it living in my stuffy mom’s basement, but geez.

[Adam Strange]

Went to the club for the first time in a while (I figured it would be good to dance and sweat a bit to help me lose some belly fat) and got chatted up by a dual. Run of the mill experience, as usual said dual asked me to be her fiancé and get married and live with her, yadda yadda, while claiming she can’t have a steady partner because she likes to “live at her own pace” (okay? As in getting smashed 24/7 past age 30?)

What’s with all these psycho duals I keep on meeting? Are there no remotely normal people outside anymore? I thought I was losing it living in my stuffy mom’s basement, but geez.

It’s a sad cliché but true, that all the good ones are taken by the time you reach age 30.

I’m envious of the people who match up early and stay together. I envy their normality.

[sea nymph]

It’s a sad cliché but true, that all the good ones are taken by the time you reach age 30.

I’m envious of the people who match up early and stay together. I envy their normality.

Hahaha, I’m starting to see it this way as well. According to one of my friends, if he’s past 30 and not a dad, that’s already your first red flag. Jokes, of course.

[Bethanyclaire]

Yeah I don’t fancy anyone on dating apps (I’m in my thirties). I thought there might be some single SEEs at least but don’t seem to find many. They might prefer meeting people out n about..atm I’m talking to an ILE and SEI..maybe these types just stand out more for me. The SEI just looks like someone I’d want to get to know and the ILE is fit and likes the same music as me. I’ve been thinking about how much you can tell about a person from appearance alone- like sometimes I can talk to a cute SLE but I can tell there’s something not right about them..often in the eyes-they look a bit mean or something. There are probably some I completely miss as well because sometimes people don’t look good in photos..

[Bethanyclaire]

It’s a sad cliché but true, that all the good ones are taken by the time you reach age 30.

I’m envious of the people who match up early and stay together. I envy their normality.

I did my best to avoid meeting people in my twenties..but I did still meet a number of people who I think were good long term dating/marriage material. A few duals, a couple semi-duals, a few ILEs, one SEI, one SLI. To be fair I think all of them had their faults..I think they just seemed cool coz I liked them

Even as a young person, I think the chances of meeting the one or ‘one of the ones’ are quite low- I think maybe it’s normal to meet two people per year on average? I can’t remember how I came up with that figure lol but that’s if you include other types that aren’t duals :/

I wish the whole world knew about duals so it was normalised and didn’t seem like such a big deal haha. It’s the secrecy that makes it stressful lol

[Aquamarine]

Dating seems like too much work. I'm not even in mid twenties yet and I'm tired just from hearing people talk about it. It just seems like meeting a bunch of random people that I don't care about and pushing myself to care about getting to know them. Maybe I'm looking at it the wrong way. Maybe the solution is to just date people you already know. How do you guys keep doing it? lol

[Bethanyclaire]

Dating seems like too much work. I'm not even in mid twenties yet and I'm tired just from hearing people talk about it. It just seems like meeting a bunch of random people that I don't care about and pushing myself to care about getting to know them. Maybe I'm looking at it the wrong way. Maybe the solution is to just date people you already know. How do you guys keep doing it? lol

when it comes to dating apps..less is more. Don’t bother too much with them if you’re young. I think music venues are the best place to meet people. My best advice which might not be applicable to everyone..the ones you fall for the hardest probably aren’t the right one for you. But fun to fancy/maybe date for a bit……yeah it’s good if you already know them- if you think they have something cute about them too

edit: oh maybe they are a bit better when you’re young though- I was always too shy to
use them..there might be better people but I still think the whole process of using them is stressful so best not to over-use them