What attracts you to your dual?
If you are confident of your own type, please share your personal experiences of duality, especially how it began in the first place. Both platonic and romantic relationships are of interest to me. What makes you notice your duals as opposed to other people around them? What specific traits of theirs helped the two of you build a connection? What about the way they responded to you was encouraging? Feel free to share anything that stands out to you. This will help us find patterns in each dyad.
(1)My first and for a long time only friend was an ENFp. When I started secondary school (5th grade) I had no friends. I was incredibly shy, not easy to talk to and sensitive. She was the odd one and had no friends either. She was not afraid to embarrass herself, was kind, almost too polite, disorganized and had her head in clouds all the time.
The beginning wasn't rosy. We fought a lot over things I can't remember but eventually we became inseparable (at school). She introduced me to astronomy, we both liked drawing (manga), visited an arts class in church, often visited the libraries together and walked through the woods to come back dirty and kind of exhausted. When we where on school trips I made sure that she wouldn't get lost, when she forgot to do her homework she could copy mine, when she forgot her books she could use mine - all that happened a lot - some people found me overbearing, even bossy - she didn't.
Seven or eight years went by like that... and we changed. I tried to be more open and friendly ("Smile more!") and made new friends. She always thought that people thought of her as good natured and friendly. However when she realized how nasty the people from our school really where and that they saw her as a freeloader, weird and sloppy she changed radically.
When we where working on the decorations for our graduation she yelled at me the first time ever, tried to boss me around, supress my ideas and then behaved extra nice to smooth our relations. Despite her many talents she became jealous of my artwork, tried to discourage me ("cut my wings") and said hurtful things. On the surface she still looked nice and friendly to others but the subtext was destructive.
After graduation we saw each other less and I felt better without her influence.
When we where actually friends a single sentence from her could heal my founds and erase my doubts but now she could deeply hurt me with everything she learned about me in the past nine years. When we see each other I see myself falling back into my old (caretaker)role - and I like doing that for others but with her I started to feel exploited. The warmth, encouragement, playfulness and eccentricity that I liked was gone. I felt like she became a shadow of her former self to be loved by others. Now I try my best to not meet her again. She tries to reunite and I fell for that a few times but everytime she "gets" me she eventually starts to treat me like crap again. Most people like her but it's like I and an SEI are the only ones who see how manipulative and cold she can be.
(2)I met another ENFp in physics class (I met so many important people in that class but that's off topic...). She had long red hair, sloppy but stylish clothes and a beautiful tattoo of a dandelion on her shoulder. I didn't give her much attention (although we where in the same arts class) because I thought she was unreachable for me. Out of the blue she got in contact with me and an SLI to visit the Christmas Market. We (the ENFp and I) wanted to study Media Design and visited some Events for that.
But we chose our own paths and all the could's and maybe's never happened. I didn't stay in contact with her - mainly because of my feelings of inferiority which where present most of my childhood. I figured she wouldn't like me...for whatever reasons - like most people. Also I'm to isolationistic. I should've stayed in contact but I don't want to appear needy...Then there is the other possible problem: I thought what if she wants to spent more time but hates that I need so much time for myself?
(3)I dated one ENFp. He was five(?) years older. He spoke to me at uni (it was actually a form of pick-up lesson. Not to get as many girls as possible - the goal was to increase confidence - but I can't find the youtube video anymore. I found out a year later haha) and when he wanted to disappear I took my chance and asked him out. Turns out we shared sooo many interests, we could talk non-stop. He was intelligent, resourceful, unobtrusive and didn't want children ever (like me!). However he had no plans for the future and I'm worrisome when it comes to having a job and money. My family migrated to this country and my parents started out with nothing. I didn't want to fear the possibility of being helpless (and poor) again or having to look out for someone who had no serious prospects. And I found some of his more esoteric interests outlandish and irrational (most of my friends where S-types).
It lead to mutual dumping - actually he decided dump me first because he saw my worries - also he wasn't seriously looking for a relationship, I think - which makes me wonder why he even bothered to meet me... We agreed to stay friends and meet occasionally to try out new restaurants and just talk but someday I didn't write back and it cooled down. I had a lot of baggage from previous relationships so that was good for him but I also regret the missed chance. I didn't know him well enough yet but I do wonder what could have been.
@Spermatozoa if you want to find patterns I suggest you read Stratiyevskaya's Dual and Conflictor Relation descriptions
Last edited by Cosmic Teapot; 08-07-2018 at 11:51 PM.
Some of this topic has been covered in the following thread:
http://www.the16types.info/vbulletin...your-love-pair
Stop necroing threads ShayOriginally Posted by Shay
Lol, I wanted to respond but couldn’t be bothered rewriting for a third time how my husband got my attention so retrieved the old thread with my post on the topic - lazy me :-)Stop necroing threads Shay
I'm not 100% on these typings (newbie alert) but I think my brother and I have IEE-SLI duality.
As kids we were polar opposites and people would comment how strange it was that two kids in the same household grew up so different. I was hyperactive, over achieving and never popular but always had friends. He was subdued, misanthropic and struggling in school. From another perspective, I was fairly irresponsible whereas he was (and still is) much more mature despite me being the older one. We fought and had very little common ground, a lot of that being NTR. Now that we are both in our twenties our relationship has done a 180 flip. When I moved back home after being away for five years I was amazed by how he'd opened up a bit more and how well we got on. As kids it was always him and my mom vs. me and my dad for family teams whereas now it's clearly me and him vs. the parents. We seem to share outlooks and values (that are distinct from our parents'). His main complaint with me is that I'm stubborn and quick to judge people morally. The thing is, he has the exact same stubbornness and black & white morality that I have (just with different opinions). We work best when we are joking or debating because conversation flows easily and we can build on each other well. Often one of us will saying something and the other will complain (or celebrate the fact) that they were about to make that same point.
I don't know how to explain the change exactly. There's still a lot of NTR stuff that will stop us being best friends forever - but despite that we have a lot of mutual respect and understanding (that is very very new). I guess it's possible that this would have happened even without duality in the sense that we're no longer two teenagers competing with each other. But it feels like this gif of Christian Bale and Kermit when we talk: two very different people who somehow 'get' the other one and recognise them as a comrade.
"I take back like half of the exclamation points.....they make me look....eager to please. Which I AM....but I don't want anyone to KNOW that"
- Carrie Fisher
kindness, tenderness, complexity, intelligence/wisdom, quietness, calmness, understanding how to deal with people, the lack of aggressiveness, cuteness, idealism, shyness, etc.
this more relates to women
They treat me like I am nothing strange, they are not afraid of me, they are amused by me, they do not find me offputting. They take action, they understand spontaneity, they hold my interest/keep me guessing/do not reveal everything at once, they know there is more to me than I say/show, they are sensitive, they can listen, they like to imagine, they can cope with their feelings independently.
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