Questionnaire done, type me please
I answered on different time and moods and state. So, it might be a bit chaotic in a sense.
And also, please dont mind my english, im prone to mistakes, Im not native speaker.
What do you study or do for a living? How did you come to do that? What do you like or dislike about it?
Im studying engineering, its been about 10 years, it will end this june.
I had no idea about what I wanted to do even when I was in high school. I think I was above average student. Ive never needed to study a lot to get okay-ish and good result, I learn fast and If i look a bit im cool. But I was very good with the topics I liked, like math and biology.
Back then I was thinking of becoming physicist, biologist, arcitect or things in similar fashion because they are all interesting subjects. But becoming physicist, biologist was impossible for me because my family was like, “how much Money you could make with those jobs”, “ you will throw away your life” etc. Since i didnt have strong passion about it and they were always nagging about it, I didnt end up on it.
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I have to add this here; Ive never been in the same frequency with my family about this, all they saw was the money and future prospects or what not but all I saw was version of me who wakes up to a job while cursing, a person who hates himself, his life. Just trying to living by lying to himself that the money that comes from the job he detest is enough to erase the inner suffering.
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There was a huge text block where explained and overshared a lot, depression etc. But i dont want to share much about it.
Just know that Im a purposeless wreck.
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What else do you do on a daily basis? What are your interests and hobbies? Why do you do them?
I cant be general about this so Ill be talking about these days. Only routine I have is waking up whenever, breakfast, drinking tea while looking internet on pc, drinking mineral water and brushing my teeth. Other than this I have no routine.
For hobbies; reading, watching movies-tv shows-anime, gaming sometimes, working out, drinking with friends if counts and whatever interest I have at that moment.
Interestwise, It could be anything as long as if im a bit curious a bit and interested in it. These days Im interested in typology for example. But generally im single minded interest wise. Im looking typology these days and thats it, its not like Im not doing nothing else, when Im home and friends are not calling for game or anything Im looking these. I dont like doing multiple things, It makes me feel Im not enough for any of them.
I do things because of two reasons. Im interested in them or It might have some value to me, in some way.
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What are your values, and why?
Treating people with dignity and respect? Im not sure atm, I need to think.
But my motto is; treat people how you want them to treat you.
I have a drive to be a good person and Im not happy with it, it makes me feel like im chained. I happened to evaluate my self as a bad person back then but I dont have that anymore, I guess.
I disdain hypocrisy and expect people to warn me when I act in that fashion. But that is not to say that Im never a hypocrite about things or situation. I might be a hypocrite for some topics and contradict myself a lot, depends.
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Describe your relationships with family and friends. What do you like and dislike about them?
I love my family and friends. At least I believe that the feelings I have for them is love. They are important to me. Im not sure how to describe relationships so Ill fill this later. I thought about it, I care about them. But there is feeling that I always had. Ive always felt like people doesnt care about me as much as I do care about them. Its weird, I dont know how to put, how to explain, maybe I dont care much about them as I think I do too. I question a lot and I dont know I guess.
About the likes and dislikes; Ive never focussed on the things that I liked or disliked for the people that is close to me, I accept people as a whole. Sure, I could say likes,dislikes, their characters etc but Ive never cared about it. I liked them and thats it. If they were kind of people that I wouldnt like, I wouldnt have much relationship with them.
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What do you look for in friends? In romantic relationships?
I dont like arrogant people and people who looks from above, rude people, extremely insensitive people, greedy people, hypocrits. These qualities are bad qualities for me. There might be more too, these are what come to my mind. And being bad is not just these
I wont be close to a person I consider bad.
For romantic relationships, above counts but some of them might be acceptable, Im not sure. I dont have a type. Its about what I feel. If I feel, Im in.
Im not sure If I have to write about my ideal about romantic relationships. Putting aside the things like love, understanding and loyalty aside as these are must, I wish to have a real companionship. Best friend one could ever have. No second thought about sharing what Im thinking or not. Complete transparency.
Hey, my last experience about transparency was not nice. I guess Its not a good thing as I imagined it to be. It made me nothing but worthless imo. So, im still thinking about it, im wondering if its really that good and worth being so.
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What conflicts have you encountered recently with other people? Why did they happen? Which kinds seem to happen on a regular basis?
I dont have much conflict with people. Im quite easy going if I dont feel Im being attacked. If Im not wrong, it was with my father as he was nagging about something and I said something and become guilty someway.
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What are your strengths? What do people like about you? What do you like about yourself?
I believe Im smart. I believe that Im loyal person.
Things people said before; good, nice, smart, idiot, good listener, people to when in need of help, people to call when you are down, loyal, fair, caring, generous.
But I have objection to some of it for specific situation. If you lost someone, dont expect me comfort you. I really dont know what to do, especially during and after funeral. I will feel numb all over like I dont exist and most likely ignore you if you are not my wife. Then I will feel guilty about it and feel like I betrayed you and ignore you completely, I did that. I dont know how it might be possible to make someone feel good after loss of a loved one during that time. No comfort would help me if I lost my parents for example.
Sometimes I feel like I dont know myself. So I dont like questions like these bc it makes me feel like im nothing, there is nothing good and worthy in me and I go depressive, so thanks.
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What are your weaknesses? What criticism do you often face from others? What do you dislike about yourself?
Im easily bored. Need of purpose and goal. Chained by the will of being good. Overthinking.
Ive been told Im so sensitive by my family. Ive been called lazy. Ive been called serious too.
Weak will, I think.
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In what areas of life can you manage well on your own? In what areas of your life would you like help?
I dont like asking for help so I almost never ask.
I dont consider “asking opinions time to time” as asking for help so I wont talk about it.
I could use some help when Im really down in chaotic depth of thoughts but its impossible. Its not easy to talk and also convey my thoughts as my mind and speech gets way more chaotic. Not only that, people have to be willing to listen, try to actually understand but nope. I never get that. I can listen all, understand all but no one does the same for me, maybe incapable of doing it, im not sure.
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What things do you dislike doing? What things do you enjoy more than others?
I dont like chess for example. There are openings, best moves etc. Not because I cant learn them but because they exist. I dont like playing according to those best moves, I dont like playing as book says, Im more free spirited. Also, Im easily bored.
This is not to say I dont care about outside sources or way of doings. There are times I look outside information and I care about efficiency.
What I enjoy most changes according to time and mood but I would say reading fantasy novels. But as I say, it changes.
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What goals, aspirations, or plans do you have for the future, and why?
I wanted to be a writer. When I was 15, I started to kinda live in the fantasy in my mind when I broke my leg. I was playing with the fantasy books and movies in my head, changing the course, adding characters, alternative endings, separate stories from the main one. Like living in my head, a life that is impossible. I enjoy this and I always wanted to be a writer. Building a world, people, giving an experience to people as I have these imaginative experience, effecting their emotions as I wished to etc.
I know I contradict with what I say first part of this questionnaire but it is as it is. I think I know I avoid it bc of being afraid of failure, whatever. // I have to add, even when I was in deep depression, at least I was reading fantasy and kind, it was like thought that is impossible to catch, read it, it will be helpful etc. Also, reading that kind is helps me not to think//
About aspiration, I wish my existence to mean something, to have a purpose and passion. I wish to left behind something more than child and a name on a tomb stone in this world. Not like a Corporation or money etc. A mark of an existence. Being immortal in a sense. But this is a wish afterall, i believe that it passed me so I dont care much I guess.
As for now, just finish the school then whatever for me. Dont have much of a plan or goal. Im kinda get the feeling of purpose when I love a woman but thats not helpful. Nothing happens when I love somebody. Im kinda unlovable to the people I have feelings for, i guess. I could get into relationship without feeling but that does not help too, its meaningless.
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If you won the lottery and didn't have to work anymore, what would you do?
I would find a way for that money to generate more money without me doing much. I would still not work in a sense.
Im not into much luxury or anything. Ive never envied the life of a rich.
I would buy a house on seaside town and live kind peaceful life. Travel the world, having fun sometimes.
Eventho I believe I wouldnt change much, I was always curious and worried about this situation. Im curious If I would deprave or anything.
Because I remember that Ive had a fantasy bc my friend forced me into it, years ago. Like making a money top priority, living for the money etc kinda fantasy. I still remember the state and feeling I had that time. Fleeting thought of I would become something I wouldnt like to be, I would go bad. Feeling like my morals are easy to bend as it fits to my wishes, dont know how to explain it.
Im curious about these fleeting thoughts. Its not like im actively thinking, its there. Fleeting, popping, makes connection with some other stuff.
Even when I say a lie that I made myself believe, a thought pop up immediately in background, no fcker, thats a lie. I dont think this is about conscience so I just wrote, It might be useful somehow.
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What traits do you find endearing that others might dislike? What traits are considered positive/neutral by others but tend to annoy you?
I like honesty and directness but still considering other peoples feelings ofc.
I dont like overly show of sympathy. For example, you show sympathy for the poor. Showing emotions, your sympathy, making a scene, maybe doing a little help or whatnot. I see this as hypocrisy, If you really cared about it/them you would do something real. Not just showing emotions, saying your thoughts, throwing some change to them. I dont like it when people does this when they do nothing to change it. If you are doing nothing, just stay silent and react when asked for help and make it in humble way so you wont hurt others.
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What kinds of things do you do to manage and/or beautify your environment (your room, your house, etc.)?
I always believed in my sense of aesthetics and I have good ideas but I dont bother witj beautifying room or house. I kinda like it simple.
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How do you behave around strangers?
Depends. If communication is not necessary I wouldnt bother much and do my own thing.
If its necessary, depends to the people and time. My mood and the vibe that people gives is important.
Generally I tend to be diplomatic i guess. Stay back and observe.
I have an evaluation of myself about this. Its most likely that Im trying to get to know/feel peoples triggers, boundaries, what makes them angry, sad etc, what ticks them kinda thought, I believe so.
I can be friendly immediately if I wish for it, I believe so. If someones trying to be friendly I would mirror most of the time if im not feeling down and I dont feel they are overly friendly.
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How do you react to conflict? What do you do if somebody insults or attacks you?
I dont like conflict. If its someone who I deemed to be important who attacks and insults me, I might be like, maybe its a real bad day for the person and I might try to wont bother much. But if it repeats, that person wont exist for me. Childhood friend of my close friends for example, I thought him as close friend for a long time but because of his repeated attacks, he doesnt exist in my reality. I have to see him sometimes but all I have for him is a polite mask. I wont care if he dies or anything.
Still, my mood is the most important i guess.
I dont know why is it like this but Ill share. I get into argument with my family time to time. Sometimes its about something real and a real argument. But at times, I get into these situations to enjoy i guess, its like an itch. Im not sadistic or anything and I stop when I feel that they are closed to their limit but I do that sometimes. Making them angry or whatnot. Its about mood.
I dont remember getting into argument like these with friends. But Im sarcastic at times and I might hit some places that might trigger them. When they are being hypocrite about some thing I might hit them( not in literal sense ofc), when they contradict themselves I might hit, when they become selfish I might hit, might hit for the sake of hitting. Its something like knowing where to hit and how much to hit. But I never get into fights or anything. Ive no malice, I dont do it always, I kinda have an amiable air around me I guess eventho Im kinda aloof looking person, not sure.
After talking like this, something else came to my mind. Lets say, there are people who are in an argument or even having a fight in some public place and people are watchig. In this kind scenario Im aware of how to win the support of the crowd, how to win support even if you are not that right, winning the sympathy. When Im the subject of somekind of similar scenario, I can evoke sympathy in a way and throw away the some part of argument/accusation back to them and I might still be right, in a sense. Its complicated. My mind is a bit chaotic atm.
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Would you ever be interested in starting a business? Why or why not? What role would you play in it? What kind of business would it be?
I will do this. I dont like to be controlled and getting orders. Im not fan of being subordinate. I would prefer to be on the top even if im not successful.
Anything with entertainment might do. Cafe, restaurant, bar, disco,club, motel etc. Idea of manipulating people to enjoy more and spend more is intriguing to me. Its not like I know what to do, I´ll do the research.
Food industry. Demand for food wont ever end, if you are good and stable with the product, I dont think you will fail unless you are idiot. Sure, I dont have much knowledge with this topic too but restaurant might kinda fit in this category too.
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How do you dress or manage your appearance?
No accessory but I will have a bracelet soon. Most of the time jeans and tshirt-shirt, sometimes hoodie.
All black I like. Colorful I like(shirts), flashy ones if possible.
Most important thing is match of colors and then being clean and not looking old.
Summers; shorts and slippers. I wont wear differently if I dont have to.
Also, suits looks good on me.
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Do you like kids? Why or why not?
I like them. If I like the kid, Im the guy who become a snake on the carpet with the kid. I would play with them. ( not with the big ones ofc)
But I dont like it when they dont listen. So, if the kid never listens, I will go away.
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In what situations or times in your life did you feel most fulfilled, and why?
Im not sure If I felt liked that before. I dont remember the good things, generally.
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If you were to raise a child, what would be your main concerns, what approach would you take, and why?
Giving much more time than the one thats left over from the work life. Full attention. Making sure they feel loved. Making sure they could share their opinions and feelings freely. Giving them chance to discover themselves, not imposing on them. Loving them unconditionally.
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Your friend bursts into tears. What do you do? How does it make you feel?
Would feel bad, weird. I would pat on back, might half hug or full hug. Wait for them to cool down and listen. I tend to get the idea what is needed, do they need advice or not, I mean I believe that I get the idea but maybe I dont. But I dont always respect that hunch.
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How do you feel about attention? Do you seek it out?
It will be a bit weird. I think I wish it subconsciously but not actively. I dont know how to explain.
I think Im a bit attention whore in my core.
I kinda have trauma from middle school and high school (different cities, from birth to age of 18, I lived in 10 different cities, no more than 2 years in same place). Where I had a lot of attention on me and I started to act differently, act someway where I pushed people away or people started to push me away, Im not sure. In the end, I was isolated and alone.
This matter always stayed with me. Its feels like getting much attention is a ticket to become depraved to me, Im not sure how to explain this. I guess Im resistant to it, I fear it. I connect my resistance to compliments to this but it might not be, I didnt think deeply about this.
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How do you approach responsibility? What do you tend to expect of others?
Responsibility you want and the responsibility you dont want.
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What is your biggest accomplishment?
I dont think I accomplished anything but my family and friends might say differently.
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What was (or is) your high school experience like?
Two different cities, different people. Didnt feel connected much, didnt connected. It wasnt like I didnt wished for it, it didnt happen. No contact with anyone, just instagram.
I wont explain much but people wont stay with me, I wont stay with them. This was always same for since im little. Not staying in the same place more than 2 years is different lifestyle and anyone who lives it, lives it differently. There was a time when I was little where I believed there was meaning in those relationships but I figured what is real, later on. It doesnt mean much.
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Ever feel stuck in a rut? If yes, describe the causes and your reaction to it.
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What is something you regret?
here is the thing. There are things I might change If I reborn. But I dont take this as regret. I dont regret anything, sure I complain time to time but its not regret for me. Ive never harmed anyone other than myself to this day. And whatever I did to this day, all choices I made are all made me -me. If I would cry over to them and curse the things I did, I would be betraying myself. I might be nothing but I have clear conscience, almost anything that comes to my mind.
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Who do you admire, and why?
I admire not in sense others might. Like being a fan of Tesla etc.
If you are a very talented artist, I might admire you and your talent.
If you are someone talented and passionate about something and good at it, I might admire your work and you.
If you found your purpose, reason of your existence, I might admire you.
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What's been on your mind? Has anything been worrying or concerning you? What problems have you encountered lately?
There was a very big text here but I deleted it. I dont want to bother with judgements, opinions and the rights of others as Im not in the mood.
I believe I was in love and I really loved her much but its not important, its not the point.
Experience triggered me, my mind was full worthlessness and unlovableness but im getting better i guess, dont know.
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What are your spiritual or religious beliefs and why do you hold them?
I dont need a higher existence, I dont need anyone to check my conscience, I dont anyone to fix my morals.
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What is or was your favorite school subject and why?
Math, biology, chemistry. I was good with them and enjoyed them.
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What were you like as a child? How have you changed since then?
mischievous. Doesnt care what is forbidden. Does what he wants.
I still do what I want.
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What is the worst thing that happened to you during the past week?
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What is the purpose of life? What do you find personally meaningful in life?
I think I talked a bit before so I wont say about it much.
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Im trying to divert my attention and maybe numb myself someway when I started to think about purpose and meaning because It doesnt help in anyway. Its a ticket to depressive mode for me. So Im forcing myself to believe that there is no need to have a purpose and even say that to people, weird enough. I guess it is called fake it until you make it.
Eventho I dont enjoy life, Im trying to. I dont like accept that but I have hope, somehow. Enjoying life, maybe being happy, I dont know.
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How often do you get angry? What kinds of things make you angry?
I seldom get angry. I have low blood sugar so I might be a bit off If im hungry.
Being ignored(depends), commanding tone(depends), getting angry to someone else but burning me.
asking me what Im doing when Im real focused, I wont curse but it bothers a lot.
telling what to do, a lot.
It is about my mood.
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Are you comfortable taking leadership roles? In what areas? Why or why not?
If there is no clear hierarchy, I wouldnt care much.
But I dont like it when people boss me around. I wont be like “fk you, how dare you order me around?”. I prefer to not getting orders all time. If there is chance, I would be above.
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What do you do if you're not getting what you want? What approach do you use?
I have hunch about this, not a conscious thing.
I think I do a kind manipulation with the hints but Im not sure.
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Where did you go on your most recent vacation? What did you do there? How did you like it and why?
Mountain camping, nature. I love nature.
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