Typology Random Thoughts

[sbbds]

Found out that I’ll almost certainly be working at my IEI coworker’s branch at least once a week, starting mid February.

[remiges]

I'm pretty sure he was SEE, and he was looking for that ILI who would tell him to stop doing crazy shit. But I guess he never found that person. At age 28, he finished drinking himself to death.

Maybe... he was just crazy though. Because wow.

[thegreenfaerie]

I'm guessing it goes: seedlings of type are planted > some qualities start to become pronounced > become a flaming stereotype > start to integrate inferior functions > become difficult to type again as you (hopefully) balance out and (hopefully) become a well-rounded individual. Does this line up with the experience of older forum members?

I'm not sure about the flaming stereotype part, but the start to integrate inferior functions, become difficult to type again and forward from there in your sequence, absolutely.

[The Reality Denialist]

defy the odds and come out unharmed - dat is the Ne for ya.
be calm and watch as the shackles of reality are dropping down - dat is the Si for ya.

be the king of a moment and find yourself in the slammer - dat is the Se for ya
bend down and find out new penetrating courage entering you - dat is the Ni for ya

[remiges]

@Adam Strange

Something about your story about that guy really bothered me. I sat on it trying to figure it out most of the evening and am going to tell another story.

We were all high school freshmen, 15-16 years old maybe. I was a bit of a social outcast, also a nerd and quiet (the mental image of a young girl wearing all black, not even noticing the holes in her clothes, getting lost in thought) and I had attracted a couple of girls who were into punk rock. (They had hair dyed “unique” colors and big gauge earrings). The more outgoing one had been ranting a while about how her parents didn’t understand her and the quieter one was nodding and going along. Then she takes out a CD from her bag and throws it on the ground and steps on it. I guess it then dawned on her - “Great! Now even my favorite CD is broken!” She walks away, pissed, leaving me and the other girl behind. I said, “Why did she do that? Didn’t she know that would break it?” She turned to me and said “If you knew she was going to break it, why didn’t you say something?! You’re not a good friend!”

Fast forward to the afternoon after school. My mom must have noticed me in a bad mood and asked me what was wrong. I said “I think my friend is going to die young.” “What? Why would you say that?” The girl died a year later from heroin overdose.

I look back and wonder, if I had bought her a new CD like I had thought would be a good idea... if I could go back in time and actually do it, would I have prevented that?

Even now as I write this story, I have to pay attention to detail to make sure I am actually recounting the real event... as I have noticed how easily my mind will create new stories and conversations that never happened. I thought it was a personal quirk of mine and nothing more. Thanks, Socionics. lol

[Adam Strange]

@remiges, I have noticed that ILI’s spend a lot of time trying to predict the future. When they have shared those predictions with me, they have been right about half the time. The other times, they have been wildly wrong, and the wrong predictions usually involved having an incomplete model of me and my motives. Other people, they just tend to ignore.

I believe that ILI’s get better and better at predictions according to how psychologically close they are to their subjects. With most people who are very different from them, ILI’s prediction model doesn’t work very well. With me, a Mirror, it works about half the time. With duals, it starts to really mesh with reality.

With respect to your friend, the elements of self-harm as a cry for help were already there. She took something that she liked best and broke it in front of her friends.
Buying her a new CD wouldn’t have helped. Instead, just talking with her, trying to get inside her life so you could give her some advice and understanding, is what she needed.


I have an ILI shrink, which seems strange on the face of it. You’d think that all shrinks would be IEI, and I believe that most are, but my ex-wife found him, not me. He knows a lot of psychology, of course, and I really like the guy, personally. He is really good at explaining things about why we do what we do and how we can effectively get what we want, but sometimes his advice falls flat with me. In particular, I’m much better at predicting things when they relate to personality types, because Socionics is a very, very good model of certain parts of our personality.
However, I suspect that his advice would be perfect for SEE’s.

[remiges]

@Adam Strange

I am aware. Which is why I usually keep said things to myself or see them as nothing more than stories for my own amusement, unless they are people very close to me. Typically I use it for my own self protection on a more regular basis. I also don’t consider it a cerebral activity; just a hunch. Take it or leave it, to whoever happens to listen. I don’t have the energy to fight or provide concrete evidence for them.

And actually ... I think buying her a new CD would have opened up that opportunity. The realization that someone paid attention and noticed, even if not the new CD itself.

[ashlesha]

Ne goes peepee and Se goes punchy heeeheee clever shit that's some clever fuckin shit right there

[The Reality Denialist]

And Fi goes to therapy while Fe gets some heavy shaking. Ti gets excited of dullness and Te is same as being a robot.

[FreelancePoliceman]

I talked with an EIE girl today for a while who seems really fun. 4D Fe people can be incredibly charismatic.

[remiges]

I spoke with my financial advisor today, who... shockingly, fulfilled the role of an LIE quite well. Except, I just kept hearing an ESI screaming at me trying to make me feel guilty.

[ooo]

I'm reading this book on nonverbal language, the author proposes a definition of extro/intro-version as follow: extroverts are focused on other people, listen more, talk less, are usually observers of the world. introverts are self absorbed, talkative (about themselves), individualistic, they go for action to express themselves. wow..ok?

also, if you use your right ear more: extrovert, if you use left year more: introvert. (you can test this with the ear you use to make a phonecall)

[Adam Strange]

I'm reading this book on nonverbal language, the author proposes a definition of extro/intro-version as follow: extroverts are focused on other people, listen more, talk less, are usually observers of the world. introverts are self absorbed, talkative (about themselves), individualistic, they go for action to express themselves. wow..ok?

also, if you use your right ear more: extrovert, if you use left year more: introvert. (you can test this with the ear you use to make a phonecall)

This is very interesting. I'm not sure about the ear thing, though. What happens when a person is left-handed?

When I was working in a factory, it would get really loud sometimes, and I often wore earplugs. But when I went into the office, I had to take them out to hear anyone. Since my fingers were usually covered in grime from handling steel plates, the ear plugs would get greasy and I'd have to throw them away.

I compromised by taking only one ear plug out when I went into the office, so I'd be using them up at half the normal rate, and I noticed something strange when I went from hearing only from the left ear to hearing only from the right ear.

Full disclosure: At this time in my life, I was trying every drug I could get my hands on, and I was very, very sensitive to changes in my internal state.

When I could only hear conversations from the left ear, I felt like things were smoother and people were more understandable and relatable. When I could only hear conversations from the right ear, I felt like a super-logical, impervious robot.

I later read that right-handers hear the notes (digital) and left-handers hear the melody (analog). I don't know how true that is, but I do think that the left side of a person's face is the emotional side, and the right side is the logical side.

In my case, I test as being something like 100% extroverted, and I hold the phone to my left ear. BUT, I'm also left-handed.

[voider]

Have you peeps met a Normalizing SEE, and if you have, what were/are they like? I feel like a fish out of water. Not that I won't learn how to live out of water, mind you. But the feeling is there.

[The Reality Denialist]

Have you peeps met a Normalizing SEE, and if you have, what were/are they like? I feel like a fish out of water. Not that I won't learn how to live out of water, mind you. But the feeling is there.

My sister seems to fit pretty perfectly with SEE normalizing. I have seen other SEE-N as well. They are like bubbly suppliers/organizers who sometimes get in your face for Te reasons sometimes very tidy and picky about aesthetic qualities in their home. They might like to do some handwork in spare time. Home is important place for them and it usually has some self-deprecating decorative elements that might even cross line with others. They also like to tease others. Usually very round face. They like nostalgia especially in TV and decoration and are not like IEE's as they like to see the funny side in tragedies. Also bit suggestible.

[voider]

I actually fit that quite a bit. Thanks @Heretic 007!

[Chthonic Daydream]

On today's episode: I don't think I'm C in DCNH. Certain parts of it fit but I'm really not that adverse to routine or a rhythm of living that isn't constantly extravagant or explosive.

[Alonzo]

On today's episode: I don't think I'm C in DCNH. Certain parts of it fit but I'm really not that adverse to routine or a rhythm of living that isn't constantly extravagant or explosive.

1.) It's not uncommon to switch subtypes during points in your life where there are critical developments and instability (e.g., teenage years). So it could very well be that your subtype has changed.

2.) But it's also important to make sure you aren't confusing your "profile" with your "subtype"; a profile refers to the layer of your personality (besides core type and subtype) that is accentuating/strengthening a function based on the particular need of any given environment. If you work in an Se and Te intensive environment, you may take on a profile (e.g., SLE) that demands you sufficiently train those functions, but that wouldn't make you a dominant subtype; that would just mean your current situation called for you to exercise certain muscles, so to speak. In order for there to be a stable shift in subtype, not only must your environment forcefully demand that you use the functions confined therein, but you'd also have to possess significant inner motivation to change.

My point is that it's possible for you to still be a creative subtype even if you may not display all of the traits typically associated with it because it could be that you've strengthened (or are in the process of strengthening) other functions that have had a mitigating or balancing effect.

3.) For example, home life with my parents necessitated that I take on a harmonizing profile > I was rather withdrawn and introverted, more compliant and conflict avoidant, and overall more focused on my Ni (cultivating my own world view), Fi (my own interests) and Si (finding my own sense of comfort, balance, and routine within the environment). But that wasn’t my truth and I knew it; I low key resented it and so I had no inner motivation to make my profile become my subtype. Therefore, whenever I left my home environment (which, Odin be praised, was frequent), I reverted back to my creative subtype. However, inadvertently, I spent a lot of time strengthening functions that had a mitigating effect on the behaviorisms typically associated with being a creative sub type. I may not be too crazy about a fuckton of routine but I also don't need or desire unfettered chaos. I'm fairly comfortable with regularly hopping on a plane, going from one time zone to the next and having a fucked up circadian rhythm but I also can do the whole 9-5, rinse and repeat thing, as well. Nevertheless, I'm still a C.

[Aeris]

1.) It's not uncommon to switch subtypes during points in your life where there are critical developments and instability (e.g., teenage years). So it could very well be that your subtype has changed.

2.) But it's also important to make sure you're aren't confusing your "profile" with your "subtype"; a profile refers to the layer of your personality (besides core type and subtype) that is accentuating/strengthening a function based on the particular need of any given environment. If you work in an Se and Te intensive environment, you may take on a profile (e.g., SLE) that demands you sufficiently train those functions, but that wouldn't make you a dominant subtype; that would just mean your current situation called for you to exercise certain muscles, so to speak. In order for there to be a stable shift in subtype, not only would your environment forcefully demand that you use the functions confined therein, but you'd also have to have significant inner motivation to change.

My point is that it's possible for you to still be a creative subtype even if you may not display all of the traits typically associated because it's possible you've strengthened (or are in the process of strengthening) other functions that have had a mitigating or balancing effect.

3.) For example, home life with my parents necessitated that I be a harmonizing subtype > I was rather withdrawn and introverted, more compliant and conflict avoidant, and overall more focused on my Ni (cultivating my own world view), Fi (my own interests) and Si (finding my own sense of comfort, balance, and routine within the environment). But that wasn’t my truth and I knew it; I low key resented it and so I had no inner motivation to change my subtype. Therefore, whenever I left my home environment (which, Odin be praised, was frequent), I reverted to my creative subtype. But, inadvertently, I spent a lot of time strengthening functions that had a mitigating affect on the behaviorisms typically associated with being a creative sub type. I may not be the craziest about a fuckton of routine but I also don't need or desire unfettered chaos. I'm fairly comfortable with regularly hopping on a plane, going from one time zone to the next and having a fucked up circadian rhythm but I also can do the whole 9-5, rinse and repeat thing, as well. Nevertheless, I'm still a C.

Agreed. I had to play many roles in my life and now I'm very confused about what the hell do I value? At this point all types and subtypes sound distasteful and grotesque. @Baboooshka I think being aware of it is a first step. You don't need to fit in a type now, it's fine. And, well, thinking about it can be a torture at times ime, so whatev, you can just be you that's good enough.

[enmity]

I know many people who say they do not know their type and deny their test results but my type has always been exceedingly clear and satisfactory. I wonder if for those people the difference is coming from a lack of self-knowledge or a desire to be a different type.

[remiges]

I know many people who say they do not know their type and deny their test results but my type has always been exceedingly clear and satisfactory. I wonder if for those people the difference is coming from a lack of self-knowledge or a desire to be a different type.

I think someone hinted at this a few posts back. With experience - which can sometimes mean age, though certainly not limited to this - you incorporate lower dimensionality.

I was not the person I was in my teens or early 20s who was a “flaming stereotype” to quote the person a few posts ago.

[ooo]

@Adam Strange
yeah, I liked somehow the definition of intro/extroversion but I can't really take seriously the body language (or ears preference) stuff he proposes. this author (a socio-psychologist)'s written language comes off badly stereotyped and banal; it all sums to the same old amount of objective criteria that everyone can actually see in so many different ways.. and I don't really believe there's an objective truth about it all. in many cases it doesn't work for me, or for the people I know.

the assumption is that nonverbal lang, an unconscious lang, is universal and unequivocal, but if for some general things it can be, for the most part it's still personal and adaptable, as real language is.

(he doesn't mention a link btw ears and hands btw)

[flames]

Whether it’s my base or simply 4D, I always wish I could erase my Fe. I feel like it easily wavers me into being everyone’s bitch. And while I have my own style (my currently red hair speaks for itself — or rather yells in redhead rage) and like things that I like without external input, it also makes me feel like an unoriginal conformist. Unfortunately, Ni also makes me hyper aware of the implications of what’s going on, including making me aware of things I wasn’t aware of when it’s already too late. I always thought of our types as being something we’re doomed to be as we’d rather be another type. The only good news here is that while we are always aware of our weaknesses, we can work on our weaknesses.

[Alonzo]

Whether it’s my base or simply 4D, I always wish I could erase my Fe. I feel like it easily wavers me into being everyone’s bitch. And while I have my own style (my currently red hair speaks for itself — or rather yells in redhead rage) and like things that I like without external input, it also makes me feel like an unoriginal conformist. Unfortunately, Ni also makes me hyper aware of the implications of what’s going on, including making me aware of things I wasn’t aware of when it’s already too late. I always thought of our types as being something we’re doomed to be as we’d rather be another type. The only good news here is that while we are always aware of our weaknesses, we can work on our weaknesses.

"The grass is always greener...." I've often traveled in many Fe valuing circles and, before learning about personality typologies, there were always times where I felt a bit broken when among them, because I couldn't ride those ambient Fe waves; it's like everyone laughing but you're not in on the joke, and you may laugh a long, but you don't truly "get it." I've heard Fe valuers, especially Fe leads, speak of happiness headaches, because they were in an environment where the emotion was so (positively) high that they were delirious with joy, essentially feasting off of everyone's goods vibes. When I think of MLK (EIE) giving his iconic speech with 200,000 people people FEEDING him their good energy, how invigorated and alive he must've felt. It's like their vibes energized him so that he felt powerful enough to give that energy back--an emotional feedback loop. The notion of that seems so...foreign, yet interesting and potentially exhilarating, to me. I think I'd like to live like that for one week out of the year. lol Just to see what that's like, to feel interconnected with others in a communal way, everyone eating from the same bowl, so to speak.

[timber]

Se supplies Te with raw data/facts and Te turns it into factual information (processed, contextualized, structured, organized data/facts); they’re closely interconnected, which is how they’re often conflated.

I don't see them as closely interconnected further than they are about object reality. I also do not see Se as processed, and all that organized all the time unless it needs to be, it also isn't about facts, although there is data.

Ananke had a great thread about how Se is more classically intuitive than not. Impressions connected with psychic muscle type memory. You can't move something in the right way unless you can refer to something in your mind's eye with similar shape and structure that you've moved before. In this sense Se is better equated to Ne.

Plenty of Se cues in this scene.

[Alonzo]

I don't see them as closely interconnected further than they are about object reality. I also do not see Se as processed, and all that organized all the time, it also isn't about facts, although there is data.

Read what I wrote, again. I did not say that Se was "processed" or "organized." I said that Te processes and organizes Se raw data/facts (read: the quality of being actual), turning it into factual information. Se = objective reality. Te = manipulating objective reality into rationales. You can't see how those two things are intertwined?

[timber]

How much pubes do you have?

A lot. I trim them shorter. When we are having sex I like it when you grab them and pull on them sometimes.

[flames]

"The grass is always greener...." I've often traveled in many Fe valuing circles and, before learning about personality typologies, there were always times where I felt a bit broken when among them, because I couldn't ride those ambient Fe waves; it's like everyone laughing but you're not in on the joke, and you may laugh a long, but you don't truly "get it." I've heard Fe valuers, especially Fe leads, speak of happiness headaches, because they were in an environment where the emotion was so (positively) high that they were delirious with joy, essentially feasting off of everyone's goods vibes. When I think of MLK (EIE) giving his iconic speech with 200,000 people people FEEDING him their good energy, how invigorated and alive he must've felt. It's like their vibes energized him so that he felt powerful enough to give that energy back--an emotional feedback loop. The notion of that seems so...foreign, yet interesting and potentially exhilarating, to me. I think I'd like to live like that for one week out of the year. lol Just to see what that's like, to feel interconnected with others in a communal way, everyone eating from the same bowl, so to speak.

Yes, I have certainly had moments where I’ve had a buzz coming from the collective. Even in a somber moment of shared monologues, I get a buzz from directing everyone’s attention to *my story*. But if I find I’m in a situation where I am forced to either share my message or back down and focus on another person’s, I am put off (I am always very shy in Narcotics Anonymous, because I feel that the topics endlessly loop into the same thing and I feel like even though we collectively share the same stories in different packages, I am disconnected and do not feel the buzz you would expect me to feel... because I feel like my story is not affecting any real change or awe... There is nothing an addict can tell another addict that they don’t already know.). I am put off because I would rather lead than by led by another; I think this is a very Fe base attitude, especially compared to Fe creative.

I think in this regard, Fe base is caught between a rock and a hard place; we want to lead and yet we often become somebody’s bitch because we do not want to break “the flow”. So... we want to break the flow and we don’t want to break the flow. I believe this is heightened in the EIE type, who is running on Ni and DA cognition (and people wonder why so many of us are insane cult leaders... I challenge someone to swap brains with me for a month. ) and being a Victim type, too. While this may be a more MBTI idea, I always subscribed to the idea that typologically, we are all in a battle of our base function vs. our dual seeking / inferior function. “I am a catalyst of the group” vs. “I am individual thought” in my case, which is one of the more maddening mindsets.

So, I will have my own individual thoughts and I will like what I like, wear what I wanna wear, preach what I want to preach... but I will reject some things that are not “cool” to “the group”. I do not see this neurosis in other Fe types save for very unhealthy Fe HA. Because of this, I can be jealous of Se bases who aggressively do not give a fuck. After years of practice, I often do not give a fuck but I don’t think I will ever reach their extent of it.

[timber]

Read what I wrote, again. I did not say that Se was "processed" or "organized." I said that Te processes and organizes Se raw data/facts (read: the quality of being actual), turning it into factual information. Se = objective reality. Te = manipulating objective reality into rationales. You can't see how those two things are intertwined?

They are about similar things, but no they are not intertwined. No. What would Te about skateboarding down the road, for instance? Unless you want to say that choosing the best, fastest, most efficient route is both Te and Se...

Se isn't always about data and facts and the actual. Facts implies some kind of empirical truth to everything that a Se sees in their field of view. So what of Trump and the endless lies..

Se in and of itself is less meta-conceptualized as a IE for the individual. Its not a stream of thoughts like Te is, its more an awareness base. Te is a higher meta-function. The alert, problem solving mind.

[Alonzo]

They are about similar things, but no they are not intertwined. No. What would Te about skateboarding down the road, for instance? Unless you want to say that choosing the best, fastest, most efficient route is both Te and Se...

Te > "What is a skateboard?" Se data > a short narrow board with two small wheels fixed to the bottom of either end. Moreover, Te > “are all skate boards the same?” /“what are the specs of this particular skateboard?”

Te > “How does it work?” By implementing trial and error experimentation through manipulation of that Se object (the skateboard), I would arrive at the Te fact that one can ride in a standing or crouching position, propelling themselves by occasionally pushing one foot against the ground.

Se> “applies the adequate kinetic pressure to achieve balance on the skateboard/“applies the adequate kinetic pressure necessary to push off the ground” Te > “In order to achieve balance, one must apply this much kinetic pressure.” Te > “In order to properly push off the ground, one must use this much kinetic force.”

Te > “Where can I use it?” By implementing trial and error experimentation through manipulation of Se objects (the skateboard and various types of surface [grass, gravel, flattened concrete]), I arrive at the Te fact that the smooth, flat surface is the most ideal.

Te > “How can I use this skateboard to travel down this smooth, flat surface (i.e., the road) most effectively (read: utilizing the parameters of both the skateboard and the flat surface according to their designated purpose, thereby allowing me to reach my goal)? “How fast must I go?” “Is the road winding or straight forward?” “Will there be other objects along the pathway?” “To what degree will the weather (wind, sun, rain, snow) effect me?”

BLAH BLAH BLAH, I could fucking go on forever. My point was established: there would be constant interplay between Te and Se when it comes to riding a skateboard down a road.

Se isn't always about data and facts and the actual. Facts implies some kind of empirical truth to everything that a Se sees in their field of view. So what of Trump and the endless lies..

1.) Where did I say that “Se is always about data and facts?” Oh, that’s right, I didn’t. To reiterate:

Se involves pure observance and perception of the static qualities of objects/objectively beheld surface level externalities and an awareness of how much force/will/kinetic energy is necessary to impact those objects, to move them through space.

2.) Courtesy of Merriam Webster dictionary, I gave you my working definition of the word “fact.” Therefore, what you think it implies is irrelevant, because I clearly defined my terms.

3.) You do understand that it’s possible to perceive reality objectively and still lie about it, correct? We may all see that the sky is blue, but I can declare that the sky is red, perhaps to suit some particular self serving aim or agenda, which is exactly what Trump does.

Se in and of itself is less meta-conceptualized as a IE for the individual. Its not a stream of thoughts like Te is, its more an awareness base. Te is a higher meta-function. The alert, problem solving mind.

inter: between, among; connect: associate or relate in some respect. Interconnect: to associate among. Like I said the first time, Se feeds Te. If you don’t agree, fine–I care not. But you won’t be changing my mind and I'm no longer interested in discussing it.

[timber]

Are you always this bitchy when you talk to people?

[Alonzo]

Are you always this bitchy when you talk to people?

You're irritating. First you quote me and falsely assert that I said something I did not--I do not like that but I was still polite. Then you quote me again, doubling down on YOUR own misunderstanding of my original post, as you again ignore the rationale and defined terms I explicitly and clearly put forth. It's as if you didn't carefully read what I said the first time, which again, is your negligence that you're trying to push off on to me and I don't like that shit.

And trust me, you have't seen "bitchy" yet, so let's not go there.

[timber]

And trust me, you have't seen "bitchy" yet, so let's not go there.

[Alonzo]

@flames you've been pretty candid about this, so I hope it's not too intrusive, but do you know why you party so hard? I know the reasons for everyone can be rather diverse and complicated, but I have often found that when ethical types do this, they are attempting to numb themselves, to detach, to feel less or to not care as much about (usually negative) feelings, whereas logical types may party in order to feel more, to be more "alive" and connected with their ethical subconscious. I had a devastating "aha" moment once I realized that I liked myself better (lol) when partying, essentially because I became more SF in my behavior (read: more sociable, approachable, accessible, 'fun', living in the moment, in touch with my desires); I guess perhaps it made me feel more whole. Does that resonate at all?

[flames]

@flames you've been pretty candid about this, so I hope it's not too intrusive, but do you know why you party so hard? I know the reasons for everyone can be rather diverse and complicated, but I have often found that when ethical types do this, they are attempting to numb themselves, to detach, to feel less or to not care as much about (usually negative) feelings, whereas logical types may party in order to feel more, to be more "alive" and connected with their ethical subconscious. I had a devastating "aha" moment once I realized that I liked myself better (lol) when partying, essentially because I became more SF in my behavior (read: more sociable, approachable, accessible, 'fun', living in the moment, in touch with my desires); I guess perhaps it made me feel more whole. Does that resonate at all?

I’m actually glad you asked, since I’m more accustomed to people saying “stop” rather than “why?”. I feel that there is a slew of answers to this, but I will try my best to describe each one fully. Firstly, I remember that even as a kid I felt like there was something inside of me that needed an external chemical to latch on to, to survive so to speak; I would drink large amounts of soda for the stimulating effects and imagine myself as an alcoholic (my dad is one). I was constantly falling in love and entrenched in the dramatic emotions that came with it. Basically, to summarize, there was something missing in my brain that made me different from all the other kids and I was trying to alter it with these methods, though I was too young to be aware of that, of course.

Which brings me to the next point— “different”. My mom can probably vouch for me that I’ve always been different from the other kids. I was misbehaved and extremely emotional at the drop of a hat. I still had my good qualities - I was friendly and social and very curious, but ultimately I was exhausting to adults. Despite being friends with virtually every other kid within a mile radius, I felt outcasted. So my self esteem began to depend on outside reassurance— I was the class clown and I was the creative kid and I had good grades. But I wasn’t perfect— I was very messy, I struggled in math, I couldn’t play sports and I had a rather feminine personality. It didn’t help that I was bullied in the 5th grade and my mom began menopause and was very snappy— I began to feel unloved and unworthy. I escaped our reality in heavy doses of video games, writing and drawing, reading and once again— caffeine and love. I remember quite distinctly that boredom and low self esteem were huge problems for me. The boredom was especially painful and while it drove me to be adventurous and open minded, it also led me to be stuck in one place because I was always debating what I should do with my time (“should I play this game or this game? No I don’t wanna play either” — end up doing nothing instead) and nothing felt good enough.

Now, how does this all connect to the present? When you have a neurodivergent brain that doesn’t quite fit society’s ableist standards, when you feel like you don’t fit in, when you have a brain that requires constant outside stimulation to function but will not allow you to focus long enough to develop any actual skills and always takes the easy, quick fix route... when you’re emotionally sensitive... what is the easiest way out? Partying and drugs. This fulfills that entire checklist, so to speak. When you’re at a party and you’re all fucked up together, there is no judgement— neurodivergence and feelings of inadequacy: solved. Boredom and lack of stimulation? Solved— in a way that requires no patience. And like you said: the emotions are numbed out.

Stimulants, especially, are my downfall. I’ve literally had people cry about something in front of me while I was high on meth and I would not feel a damn thing. I would be able to talk for hours and hold people’s attention the whole way through; I would have the attention span to do trivial things like color a coloring book or watch TV. Stimulants essentially take my natural personality and turn it up to the nth degree and fix the issues with it all at once. That, and smoking meth and crack is very taboo (snorting coke is pretty acceptable, though. ); as I’ve stated before on this site I am attracted to taboo and dark things so this is another plus in my mind. So it’s easy to see why I was addicted to meth, yes?

So why am I currently addicted to heroin??? They are polar opposites and meth is quite more the party drug, yes? Because opiates allow me to tap into my shit Si. Stimulants give you a rush of life and ideas, and, well, stimulation. Heroin gives you a rush of blissful nothingness — suddenly my mind is empty and my body comes first and foremost. I used to be a daily weed smoker because weed takes parts of both these drug classes and mixes it together, but lately I’ve learned that I prefer to experience one type of drug at one time rather than mixing them all together (If I’m hitting the pipe I’m only hitting the pipe). If I’m at a party I’m definitely going after the stimulants, or if that’s not available then I’m smoking weed. Opiates are a lot more “personal”, i.e. done in private or with close friends, not at a party.

Anyways, that was quite the long winded post but I hope it answered your question.

[sbbds]

I don’t think it’s helpful to even in part excuse it as Si polr or link typology to drug habits @flames . IRL friends of yours should be helping you to stop.

[sbbds]

I’ve been getting in mini ups and downs with a different IEI coworker recently (the one I mentioned, who isn’t the one I’m going to be working with). Immediately I try to resolve the issues and it’s been cool. I actually have probably had the most direct work-related drama with him as a coworker so far, but also relatively stable and satisfying resolutions.

[GuavaDrunk]

I’m actually glad you asked, since I’m more accustomed to people saying “stop” rather than “why?”. I feel that there is a slew of answers to this, but I will try my best to describe each one fully. Firstly, I remember that even as a kid I felt like there was something inside of me that needed an external chemical to latch on to, to survive so to speak; I would drink large amounts of soda for the stimulating effects and imagine myself as an alcoholic (my dad is one). I was constantly falling in love and entrenched in the dramatic emotions that came with it. Basically, to summarize, there was something missing in my brain that made me different from all the other kids and I was trying to alter it with these methods, though I was too young to be aware of that, of course.

Fwiw, I admittedly assumed you were self-medicating the ADHD (high, impulsive emotionality; skipping between tasks, help to focus; bored out of your skull v easily, interacting with people is interesting; managing Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria; managing likely feelings of social rejection and inadequacy due to neurotypical world being abrasive.) Can't be easy to live with. ETA: Should probably have asked anyway though, sorry.

Out of curiosity, does Adderall not occur in your neck of the woods? Might be interesting to contrast.

[sbbds]

Random but my real estate agent, a small, skinny, trilingual LIE Islamic dude from Bangladesh, is one of the most high quality people I’ve ever met.

[flames]

I don’t think it’s helpful to even in part excuse it as Si polr or link typology to drug habits @flames . IRL friends of yours should be helping you to stop.

That... was not the point of my post. Also, they have given up trying to make me stop and instead are making sure I do it safely. I am a couple days cold turkey off H, so I’m going through the dope sickness. Ended up shooting meth a couple times instead so I’m currently a fleshy ball of vibration right now. (Best high if anyone was wondering.). Anyways, it’s not useful to go after a single point that wasn’t very relevant to the story large.