Benefit relations: befriending your beneficiary

[Joy]

Do you think some people befriend their beneficiary to stroke their ego?

[Jarno]

i've got one friend who's my benefeciary(-) and one friend who's my benefactor(+).

I don't find my benefeciary very interesting. My benefactor is one of my best friends. Lately I noticed that I get energized by him. But to summarize, we just can talk about lots of the same subjects and we agree on most of them.

[vague]

I've never really felt like I've had the "upper-hand" in beneficiary relationships. In general, relationships with beneficiaries far more interesting/enjoyable/comfortable than the ones I've had with benefactors.

Relationships with my benefactors tend to be more distant/frustrating. I don't think it's related to ego. ISFj's stubborness with Fi issues is a lot less easy for me to deal with than INTj's stubborness with Ti issues.

[Joy]

ISFj's stubborness with Fi issues is a lot less easy for me to deal with than INTj's stubborness with Ti issues.

[Blaze]

I've never really felt like I've had the "upper-hand" in beneficiary relationships. In general, relationships with beneficiaries far more interesting/enjoyable/comfortable than the ones I've had with benefactors.

Relationships with my benefactors tend to be more distant/frustrating. I don't think it's related to ego. ISFj's stubborness with Fi issues is a lot less easy for me to deal with than INTj's stubborness with Ti issues.

i agree with this.

except for cracka, :-P

[Ms. Kensington]

I think I got as much out of relations with INFps as they did with me. With ISTps I actually feel that I give something to them, so that might stroke my ego.

[misutii]

My experience seems to go hand-in-hand with what vague and Ms. Kensington have posted. With INTjs it's like I'm motivated to interest and entertain them and then their positive response to me re-enforces this so I feel more free to be "me". Furthermore whenever they talk to me about their lives I'm genuinely interested and want to hear more.

With ISFjs I'm rather inhibited, more likely to feel like I'm not speaking the same language and so I just modify behaviour with what I estimate is acceptable vs. actually feeling free to transcend any misunderstandings, stupid traditions, etc.

[misutii]

My experience seems to go hand-in-hand with what vague and Ms. Kensington have posted. With INTjs it's like I'm motivated to interest and entertain them and then their positive response to me re-enforces this so I feel more free to be "me". Furthermore whenever they talk to me about their lives I'm genuinely interested and want to hear more.

With ISFjs I'm rather inhibited, more likely to feel like I'm not speaking the same language and so I just modify behaviour with what I estimate is acceptable vs. actually feeling free to transcend any misunderstandings, stupid traditions, etc.

[Creepy-Diana]

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[Creepy-Diana]

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[Khamelion]

Do you think some people befriend their beneficiary to stroke their ego?

yes

[Khamelion]

Do you think some people befriend their beneficiary to stroke their ego?

yes

[Kirana]

INTj's beneficiary is ISTp, right? well, i'm in a pretty stable relationship with one. it started out as a typical benefactor/beneficiary relationship, but as we got closer, discovered that we have things to offer each other and it turned out to be more equal than expected - i guess otherwise known as 'fell in love'. perhaps the fact that he's male, and dominant, and also a bit older, helped to tip the balance to him than it otherwise would've. and he thinks the world of me, is completely open and vulnerable, which i somehow find endearing. as an INTj, i realise that i really need someone i trust completely, and never need to watch my back with.

[Kirana]

INTj's beneficiary is ISTp, right? well, i'm in a pretty stable relationship with one. it started out as a typical benefactor/beneficiary relationship, but as we got closer, discovered that we have things to offer each other and it turned out to be more equal than expected - i guess otherwise known as 'fell in love'. perhaps the fact that he's male, and dominant, and also a bit older, helped to tip the balance to him than it otherwise would've. and he thinks the world of me, is completely open and vulnerable, which i somehow find endearing. as an INTj, i realise that i really need someone i trust completely, and never need to watch my back with.

[mikemex]

Maybe you're INFj.

[mikemex]

Maybe you're INFj.

[Ms. Kensington]

INTj's beneficiary is ISTp, right? well, i'm in a pretty stable relationship with one. it started out as a typical benefactor/beneficiary relationship, but as we got closer, discovered that we have things to offer each other and it turned out to be more equal than expected - i guess otherwise known as 'fell in love'. perhaps the fact that he's male, and dominant, and also a bit older, helped to tip the balance to him than it otherwise would've. and he thinks the world of me, is completely open and vulnerable, which i somehow find endearing. as an INTj, i realise that i really need someone i trust completely, and never need to watch my back with.

oh congrats. Ime I find ISTps and INTps quite aw-worthy because of their sincerity and seeming deep concern for the feelings of others.

[Ms. Kensington]

INTj's beneficiary is ISTp, right? well, i'm in a pretty stable relationship with one. it started out as a typical benefactor/beneficiary relationship, but as we got closer, discovered that we have things to offer each other and it turned out to be more equal than expected - i guess otherwise known as 'fell in love'. perhaps the fact that he's male, and dominant, and also a bit older, helped to tip the balance to him than it otherwise would've. and he thinks the world of me, is completely open and vulnerable, which i somehow find endearing. as an INTj, i realise that i really need someone i trust completely, and never need to watch my back with.

oh congrats. Ime I find ISTps and INTps quite aw-worthy because of their sincerity and seeming deep concern for the feelings of others.

[UDP]

INTj's beneficiary is ISTp, right? well, i'm in a pretty stable relationship with one. it started out as a typical benefactor/beneficiary relationship, but as we got closer, discovered that we have things to offer each other and it turned out to be more equal than expected - i guess otherwise known as 'fell in love'. perhaps the fact that he's male, and dominant, and also a bit older, helped to tip the balance to him than it otherwise would've. and he thinks the world of me, is completely open and vulnerable, which i somehow find endearing. as an INTj, i realise that i really need someone i trust completely, and never need to watch my back with.

That sounds like an interesting matchup. I wonder how it plays on your dual seeking, if you are an LII.

[UDP]

INTj's beneficiary is ISTp, right? well, i'm in a pretty stable relationship with one. it started out as a typical benefactor/beneficiary relationship, but as we got closer, discovered that we have things to offer each other and it turned out to be more equal than expected - i guess otherwise known as 'fell in love'. perhaps the fact that he's male, and dominant, and also a bit older, helped to tip the balance to him than it otherwise would've. and he thinks the world of me, is completely open and vulnerable, which i somehow find endearing. as an INTj, i realise that i really need someone i trust completely, and never need to watch my back with.

That sounds like an interesting matchup. I wonder how it plays on your dual seeking, if you are an LII.

[Subteigh]

I think I've had more friends being ISTp than any other type - I've had at least 3 . I get attracted to them some how, as though I need to help them get by. They seem easy to control, cuz they actual tend to prefer if you leave them alone. What I got out of it was a stable long-term friendship, which was quite easy to maintain.

[Kirana]

INTj's beneficiary is ISTp, right? well, i'm in a pretty stable relationship with one. it started out as a typical benefactor/beneficiary relationship, but as we got closer, discovered that we have things to offer each other and it turned out to be more equal than expected - i guess otherwise known as 'fell in love'. perhaps the fact that he's male, and dominant, and also a bit older, helped to tip the balance to him than it otherwise would've. and he thinks the world of me, is completely open and vulnerable, which i somehow find endearing. as an INTj, i realise that i really need someone i trust completely, and never need to watch my back with.

oh congrats. Ime I find ISTps and INTps quite aw-worthy because of their sincerity and seeming deep concern for the feelings of others.

yes, he is very trusting, almost childlike, when he's decided to trust. holds back nothing, whereas i'm naturally cagey. he can be easily hurt, but at the same time practically tells you how to do it, in the complete confidence that you won't. lucky for him i do not accept trust that i am not also willing to protect - and it's not usually a worthwhile undertaking to me so i'm very picky about it. i also feel a bit like he needs me to care for him, but the best part is he can survive if i don't do it all the time - which really is a bit much to expect from an INTj, even one who is very much inclined to care for him. all i have to do is let him know it's one of those times when i feel a bit distant from things (and him) but i'll be back. so he waits. he doesn't like it, but he understands.

@UDP: i already have a best friend who is my dual, so i guess it takes the pressure off my ISTp. but it is interesting, in a good way. i guess i'll have to wait and see.

@mikemix: there was a time when i was a little bit unsure about that. but after i met an INFj in person (whom at first i mistook for same type as me, but later after knowing him better picked out key differences) and therefore saw in a live example how the Fi manifests for a strong INFj, i'm pretty convinced i'm INTj. we agree on many things, and are similar in many things, but when it comes to influencing people, and preserving harmonious relationships, building relationships, getting things done through cultivating goodwill (the preferred way in my organisation) - we are starkly different in that it's much harder for me than it seems for him, and he seems to take it much more seriously that i ever would. but at the same time, in the rare occasions when i do build (real) relationships (as opposed to the ones you have to make, like at work) i really invest myself in it, it's important to me at a personal level, whereas even though when he engages you it feels like the most amicable thing, you'd swear it was a personal-level relationship, but at the same time, when he is not with you, you realise that he isn't actually investing his real self in it, but you don't mind, you know what i mean? it's difficult to describe. no wonder i only got it after meeting one example.

besides, an activity relationship does not describe what we have. it really is more benefit, with me in a superior position.

[Subteigh]

With ISTps, I always made them feel comfortable by de-personalising things (making them abstract etc.) - I think they feel very self-conscious and get tetchy if you talk about something which shows them in a poor light. If I talk about my failings in a certain area, while obviously exaggerating, they are more open about themselves because they know nothing they say can offend me (or at least appear to offend me ). Sometimes, you feel that they offend people because it's the only way they can appear certain\confident when talking.

[redbaron]

INTj's beneficiary is ISTp, right? well, i'm in a pretty stable relationship with one. it started out as a typical benefactor/beneficiary relationship, but as we got closer, discovered that we have things to offer each other and it turned out to be more equal than expected - i guess otherwise known as 'fell in love'. perhaps the fact that he's male, and dominant, and also a bit older, helped to tip the balance to him than it otherwise would've. and he thinks the world of me, is completely open and vulnerable, which i somehow find endearing. as an INTj, i realise that i really need someone i trust completely, and never need to watch my back with.

I have a very similar relationship with my benefactor, an ISFj (although his type is not 100% determined) minus the "in love" part (we're just very good friends). He's 10 years older than me, also very open and I completely trust him. It's becoming a lot more equal than it was in the beginning. We both have things to offer each other and the feelings are very mutual.

[speakeasy]

ENTp's I know find me interesting but ultimately overbearing. But it isn't like I try to show some kind of superiority towards them. In fact, I never thought of these relationships as being so asymetrical. It's their reactions to my actions and behavior which can be so surprising sometimes. I really enjoy the presence of these individuals but I guess they feel underappreciated. I never felt like I was on a pedestal but I guess I can see it now. The fate of these relations is overpowering and quite natural. I really have a hard time imagining how someone can use these relations to stroke their ego since the benefactor can't possibly consciously think they're superior to someone they appreciate. You'd have to have a really poor self-esteem to do that. And blind to the fact that sometimes people have more to offer than what you can give them.

[Kirana]

i can, though, imagine how someone less mature might exploit his/her beneficiary to stroke ego. the beneficiary practically puts you on a pedestal, you know, and for someone who likes that, or takes it too seriously, i can see how they'd indulge in it. kind of like the medieval stories of knights jousting for the honour of their ladies, or performing dangerous deeds just because their ladies felt like asking them to do it on a whim - they adore the ladies but don't necessarily actually marry or are involved with them - that kind of adulation, you know? some people like being adored like that way too much.

i think one of the things that works for the INTj-ISTp relation of benefit is that the ISTp finds it hard to trust, but INTjs typically don't break trusts, and although INTjs invest in few relationships, they invest a lot to build and maintain the trust in the relationship - so in the INTj the ISTp finds someone worty of complete trust. maybe that gives the relationship more staying power. on the reverse, though, i'm not sure if the traits i appreciate in him are type-related.

[lefty]

I think I've had more friends being ISTp than any other type - I've had at least 3 . I get attracted to them some how, as though I need to help them get by. They seem easy to control, cuz they actual tend to prefer if you leave them alone. What I got out of it was a stable long-term friendship, which was quite easy to maintain.

that's certainly an honest and insightful statement.

lefty
enfj 4w5

[Exodus]

Some ISTps (the less social ones) get really smiley and shy whenever I give them attention. It's rather endearing.