Liking the concept of your dual

[Blaze]

diana your story sounds sooooo typical and a lot like what i went through with my ex in 2006.

i'll give you a preview, though: after the divorce is final you're going to feel a lot better, and after a couple of months go by you'll probably feel like dating. things will also settle down with you ex as you begin to set boundaries and expectations in your new relationship. will he have any custody or visitation with your kids? if he does, you'll have some free time to build your new life.

i have only 2 kids, but i'm already 43, so i didn't feel like waiting to start dating. when i did i was pleasantly surprised to have found a really great guy who likes kids and whose own kids are grown. developing a new relationship after a divorce is so much different than the first time around. it's much more realistic, much more exciting, how you look at things and what you want is much different. so i wouldn't rule it out, even though the last thing you probably want to consider right now is another relationship.

socionics knowledge is a mixed bag, though. it can help you understand what you need from others and what you can give them, but then you're left with the question of whether you try to find a dual, period, or whether you maintain an open stance and let relationships unfold naturally. this is my current dilemma....i have an illusionary relationship with the guy i'm seeing right now. everything seems great so far, but i've been around long enough to know that the way you feel at 6 months is not necessarily the way you feel at 5 years. would i regret not holding out for my dual? would even a dual relationship seem routine after a certain amount of time?

the stakes on this are really high for someone who is older and divorced, because i gotta tell you i never want to ever get divorced again. i don't think people here quite get this. i don't think people quite understand the sequelae that follows a divorce - there are real consequences that affect one's entire life course, and children's entire life course. there are not many older people on this forum and the feedback is always like, "don't focus so much on what someone's type is, just let the relationship develop naturally." which is Ok to certain point, but i think this type of advice is better suited to people who are younger and are at a beginning level in learning about how to have adult relationships. when i have a failed marriage, the onus is on me to take a look at what went wrong and figure out how to do it better. at times socionics is a disappointment in this regard due to the vagueness of applicability.

[Creepy-Diana]

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[Joy]

you'll have a divorced woman with 4 young kids, who has an ex who calls all the time and tries whatever he can to keep her from being able to do anything. Just yesterday he threatened to call the police to have them come over and check that the kids were all right because he was "worried" when my phone was off the hook for a few hours. Anyway, what guy in his right mind seeing the kinds of things I deal with would want to be even marginally associated with that? And would I even have the time to put into a relationship? To have someone actually care about me enough to be able to get past all of that, and want to be with me anyway - and I'm not just being negative or whatever here - seriously think about it, can you really imagine anyone thinking that it'd be worth the trouble? If it were me - things were reversed - shoot, I'd be hesistant to get involved in that mess. I mean no matter how I felt about a guy - if he had 4 kids and a slightly crazy ex, PLUS he was somewhat struggling to get his own life together, PLUS he could be annoyingly self-righteous and demanding, lol, from time to time, add it all together and man that's a lot to put up with.

I remember saying something somewhat similar to a guy once... "What guy in his right mind would trust me? I've left two marriages and I'm not even 25 yet... Seriously, how could anyone who wants a serious, long term relationship be able to trust a person like that not to leave?" He said that there would be someone who would like me enough not to care about that stuff, and understand who I am now well enough to know that they can truly trust me. He moved in with me like half a year later.

There will be someone, Diana. It's difficult to see past where you're at now, but it won't always be like this. Your ex will not continue to call as often as he has been because after the divorce is final you won't have to put up with it. You're not going to have to wait 15 years, either. A few at the most... just long enough for you to move past all of the stuff you have to deal with and have been dealing with for years.

[Blaze]

diana what do you think you are thinking too much about? for myself i over analyze when what's needed is a cleanly simple and straightforward way of looking at things. i think about what i shoulda coulda done and why did i decide to do things the way i did. i mostly do this so i can increase my self awareness and don't end up making the same mistakes again.

i dunno...divorce is one of the worst things anybody can go through. but i'm glad to talk/discuss...pm if you want....hang in there girl :wink:

[Creepy-Diana]

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[UDP]

I disliked the feeling of neediness it presented me with in the past. How I would react now, I am not certain.

I don't understand why people fear their weaknesses, really. You felt needy because you liked her a lot, of course. I don't see why somebody should dislike something about himself.

Yeah! There's nothing wrong with having weaknesses. We all have strengths too - focus on your strengths and stop worrying so much about your weaknesses, UDP.

(But one of my strengths is not needing other people to be content with things....)

I suppose one of the draws to ESE for me would be that the ESE is just so good at taking care of someone that they would be someone who I would actually allow to take care of me.