Can an ENFp give ISFj advice that would work out? (IEE-ESI supervision)

[Slacker]

He usually calls our ENTj mom for advice, but her health isn't great, and my dad's isn't either, and he's afraid of getting them stressed out. I'm next on the list of advice-givers apparently. So he's going through this really really nasty divorce asking me to help him figure out what is going to happen, and my natural inclination is to tell him everything that could possibly happen and let him sort through which things are most likely. But of course this doesn't work with him. He gets anxious and I have to backtrack and say, "well this isn't all that likely, so don't worry about that." But it's too late at that point because I've brought it up and it's out there. *sigh* He said at one point, "there isn't much more she can do to me at this point" and without thinking I listed several things she could do. It was a mistake. I am making things worse.

How can an ENFp give an ISFj advice without freaking him out? I would just keep my mouth shut but he keeps asking me these questions.

[Creepy-Diana]

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[Creepy-bg]

try convinving yourself that you're ENTj... get Mcnew to screw with one of his tests so that you come out ENTj no matter what so that you'll have some verification. Read a bunch of ENTj profiles so that you can agree with everything in them and be like "that's so me!" Then once you're all self-deluded and thinking like an ENTj you're ready... give him a call!

[discojoe]

Ask him what outcome he wants (or pick the one you think he wants), then work your advice around the fulfillment of that outcome.

[Expat]

Yeah, what discojoe and Diana said sounds good.

[Slacker]

Diana, I don't know about your situation, but I hope you're not having to live with your husband. My brother and sister-in-law are having to still live with each other. Well, not exactly - the kids are to remain in the "marital home" and if anyone wants to leave, they leave without the kids, and choosing to abandon the kids will count against them when custody is decided. So she's basically trying to drive him out of their home. It's not a very livable situation. Their divorce won't be final for several months so it's going to be a while longer.

I have a hard time knowing what specifically he wants to happen. If I choose a good outcome and try to ignore everything else, what happens if something else happens and he hadn't considered it? I worry about leaving him unprepared for something. It's like I want him to be prepared for everything bad that could happen, but I want him to see everything good that could happen too so he has some sense of hope. But I obviously can't continue that. I have been really trying to tone down my urge to tell him everything that could happen. And if I have to talk about something that could happen, I try to focus on good things anyway because it's when I slip and think of something bad that he gets really agitated. He gets very nervous when he worries about anything in the future. Anything at all. This situation is so hard on him because there isn't much he can do about it right now - he just has to wait and see what happens.

[Creepy-Diana]

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[Slacker]

He isn't at all prone to angry outbursts or anything. He's being very gentle and relaxed, and he's bringing the kids over to visit me and my sister every other weekend, so they're all getting some time to relax from the tense atmosphere from time to time.

He survived Marine basic training, so he can survive this. That's what I finally told him last night. He's had training on dealing with tense living situations so he's better off than most people going through this kind of thing.

[anndelise]

how about helping him focus on the things that he himself can do instead of worrying over things he has no control and little influence over?

such as him doing what he can to help shelter the kids from the tension between he and his soon to be exwife
or doing the things that he himself needs to take care of, figuring out his priorities in this issue, how to keep things as normal as possible for the kids, etc...

or helping him figure out two basic plans of actions....
* one being what steps will he take if she gets the kids and home, where will he move to, how he would like visitations to go, etc...
* the other being what steps will he take if he gets the kids and home, how he would like visitations to go, etc...
* oops,and another.....what happens if the court awards the home to the kids and the parents alternate who lives with them (month on month off type thing) (i've seen that happen twice now), what steps will he take if that is a decision.

no matter what goes on in court, those are the basic outcomes he could prepare for that might help to distract him from the worrying about things he has little to no influence over.

[.thursday]

tell him he needs to be in control of the situation

it sounds like he's used to having everything taken care of for him, he needs to suck it up and handle things (with grace or not, just handle them). what does HE WANT from this. instead of 'what should i do mommy?'

i'm sure his lack of decisiveness and strength is part of why things have deteriorated for him (tho it could be a thousand other things too, this pops out at me)

[Khamelion]

i do the exact same thing you do Slacker_Mom. normally when im trying to help someone i dont meld with very well. after failing at least once, i would have went to what Diana said pretty much exactly.

[Slacker]

I think I'm doing better. I hung out with him all yesterday and I just kept saying something along the lines of, "things might be hard in the short-term, but in the long term everything will be all right." And he seemed to respond well to that.

[mikemex]

Think before speaking. Try to become an introvert. The main problem of extroverts is that they speak before thinking.