Hikikomori

[FreelancePoliceman]

I am indeed a solitary person and I need my alone time. I don't like to be solicited even by my relatives unless it's an emergency and I feel really needed. My self-isolation however is not by choice ; I don't have any friend, I don't have a Job (I can't and I don't it anymore anyway). I'm just a an under average Joe that hasn't even finish high school. Shame is probably the most dominant feeling that prevent me for living a normal life, I can say that I come from another time at this point, as if I was in prison for too long.

I used to work for my father as a teen and after I left high school for short period because he wouldn't pay me ! I worked for him anyway fourteen hours a day like a freaking slave ! He used to run grocery stores for most of his life, now he is retired. And then around 2007 I start working as a temp dock worker for a German company, always on night shifts. Despite promises of employment, I was never hired by this company.They would use some lagal tricks (work time related) to not be obliged by law to hire me.

I worked with them for several years (I didn't want to work elsewhere because I liked the connection I had with all my coworkers) , but never for more than three months at a time. I was very appreciated by all my coworkers (I was kinda of a showman and playful, some called me the "singer" because I would sing Nightwish (I am an excellent singer and a decent Impressionist !) songs (very loudly for once) and stuff like that while working. I have a good work ethic though, my job is always done and well done.

Most of the time, the assignments lasted a week or two, or even just a few days in a week. I would either work or being in a hikikomori phase until I travel to another country and there among part of my family and relative, I would feel loved and needed so my time and mood were would be find but the real reason for my travel would be of course to reunite in secret with my Dulcinea. I would spend half of the year there. What is a man without Love ?

Like I said, I can't make new friends because of my social situation is shameful (I'll be 48 years old this october). I'm okay with being solitary but I'm not happy about my loneliness. I didn't have sex or even a hug in 10 years (I hit that mark this summer !). I'm just waiting for the unavoidable, alone.

It's 6:43 in the morning, I took half a sleep pill but still can't find sleep. I have my psychiatrist appointment this afternoon at 6:30. My live is like the Groundhog day movie except that my day is 365 days long. Days after days, weeks after weeks, seasons after season, nothing changes. it's just me and the cycle of time. I live in a port city, one of the most beautiful cities of France, I have a view on the sea and the city from my balcony but my feet haven't felt the sand of beach since at least 10 years and it wasn't even the French beach but that of Carthage...

I would be happier if I had a partner but again, shame makes me feel worthless, unworthy of being the partner of anyone, that would be unfair for her. I'm isolated because nobody cares about me and I have my pride. I don't ask anyone for help unless it's an emergency. I've reached the point of no return, that's as simple as this. I lived what I had to live, I knew passion, I found true love (even if I couldn't keep it), the rest is literature and precious yet fragile memories that fade away each time I recall them..

Boy, that sounds terrible.

What would you do with yourself if you had the ability to do it? Surely it's not this.

[godslave]

That's poignant, man. What do you feel ashamed of/shameful about? Something you've done (or haven't done) in the past? Self-image problems (egodystonic thoughts/feelings)? Also, what happened to your existing/old friends? You lost touch with all of them? And what prevents you from getting a job or finding something to do for people? Don't you think that would increase the chances of making new friends and potentially meeting a woman? Or do you just not want to bother and would actually rather sit it out?

I had an opportunity to visit Biarritz years ago but didn't go. People who went say it was beautiful beyond words. I also want to visit Paris some day, and check out the pianos at Nebout & Hamm.

Good luck with your therapist appointment, hopefully you're able to get some use out of those sessions.

Thank you for your kind words Park.

I'm shameful about the fact that my life has been kinda wasted. I mean, thank God the feeling of being ashamed of myself is not constant. Indeed, I would say that my lifestyle and to a certain degree the Hikikomori role or persona I locked myself in is precisely the mechanism by which I avoid feeling ashamed of myself all the time. That said, when I think about myself objectively, I can't avoid self-pitying and be ashamed. That said, I suspect the this "shame" thing has a deep connection to what happened in my childhood. You see, some kind of really devastating trauma that can do that. I don't want to develop it too much but some trauma survivors are often tormented by an inappropriate feeling of guilt...

As for my old highschool friends, I don't want to try to contact them because again, I am afraid of feeling ashamed. They probably have their family life, kids jobs carrier etc.. I don't have anything in common with them except high school and hangout memories and anecdotes. In the eyes of society I'm a weirdo.

And to continue with the "I'm Cosette !" theme, I made only one real friend in my life who wasn't a school mate. He was older than me. I was around 17 and he was around 26 (?) and he also was an audio engineer. One day I invited him in my parent house to play video games and hear some music. But my father came home unexpectedly and threw him out, calling him names. My friend was really surprised by my father's rage, but him being a peaceful person he just said “Very well sir, I'm leaving”. I was so ashamed that I can't remember how I reacted. I was probably stunned. I remember calling him on the phone the day after and apologizing (this was before cell phones). I never called him again and neither did he. We never saw each other again.

My dad's a jerk and a tyrant that exerted his tyranny on me and no other of my siblings because I'm too kind and respectful ! It pains me to say it, but he's got a lot to do with the fact that I isolate myself and don't want to make friends anymore. My father is most certainly from an opposite Quadra but that is not enough to explain how unloved and misunderstood I felt most of my life.

[godslave]

I went to my psychiatric consultation this afternoon. The session went pretty much as usual, very quickly. However, I asked him if he could refer me to a psychologist with whom I would have more time to talk. I added that my sessions with him were very important to me, but that I didn't want to bore him with all my problems in such a short amount of time ...

He agreed ! He even told me that I actually needed it. So he gave me the contact details of a psychologist (in the same area) and told me to make an appointment with him, and say that he send me to him.


In conclusion, I will now have two mental health related sessions. It was about time for me to be able to say that I'll be in "therapy" soon (This reminds me a TV show that I loved very much called "in treatment" for those who don't know it, I recommend watching it ).

[Braingel]

I went to my psychiatric consultation this afternoon. The session went pretty much as usual, very quickly. However, I asked him if he could refer me to a psychologist with whom I would have more time to talk. I added that my sessions with him were very important to me, but that I didn't want to bore him with all my problems in such a short amount of time ...

He agreed ! He even told me that I actually needed it. So he gave me the contact details of a psychologist (in the same area) and told me to make an appointment with him, and say that he send me to him.


In conclusion, I will now have two mental health related sessions. It was about time for me to be able to say that I'll be in "therapy" soon (This reminds me a TV show that I loved very much called "in treatment" for those who don't know it, I recommend watching it ).

You strike me as having cptsd and a related social anxiety to it with shame and fear of rejection or acceptance and depression.

[Braingel]

If I am to be very serious, I would say like… 95% of the forum has cptsd. But when you have comorbidities to it (like autism in my own case), it can make the cptsd look a lot worse, though I live in my traumatic origin that doesn’t help myself any, and autism is my primary reason for having been stuck here, with serious executive challenges..

Autism is prevalent in this community as well, but definitely not as much as complex ptsd. The 5% that doesn’t have ptsd may have some personality disorder or some neurodivergence.

Autism with ptsd is a nightmare condition pairing, because autism encompasses poor executive control, which means less emotional control and it also means far more fixation/rumination (which has left many annoyed with myself, even though I can’t even really help it).

It is interesting to look at why people with cptsd would be interested in typology, maybe some (not my own reason) use it to feel more safe to navigate relations they bc an trust, maybe identity disturbance and trying find the real self, maybe the trying under and why one reacted to trauma X way..

What is a given is that healthy people don’t fixate on these kinds of things, and as far as behavioral typologies, being inert is often linked to the whole “freeze” dynamic of complex ptsd.

I have never been in a community with as much complex ptsd as socionics.

I have noticed a large amount of parentless or a loss of a parent through death or abandonment, in this community..

Maybe some people also want to use socionics to understand their abusers or of reasons they weren’t compatible with people that maltreated them— especially in families with a scapegoat and golden child dynamic.

When I found out I was an INFP in meyers Briggs, I know that I not only felt special and unique, but I felt validated for why I’m so different— in a way that wasn’t just on being autistic, which I held immense shame over at time and didn’t even fully accept that I am autistic (age 16). I even cried when I read the book, The INFP Survival Guide when I was 17….

I know when I found out about John Beebe’s shadow dynamic this recently, I felt exceedingly validated for why my traumatic reactions are ENFj-ish that have gotten me put to as an eie in behavioral models, and Beebe is semi belief and behaviorally based. I do turn into an ENFJ under stress, which an infp
would. (Beebe overlaps scs.. But it’s a compliment to socionics, both concern behavioral mechanisms, so they’re more fundamentally compatible to one another, but a few of Beebe’s definitions wouldn’t align to socionics, so it’s not a full transfer-over).

[godslave]

You strike me as having cptsd and a related social anxiety to it with shame and fear of rejection or acceptance and depression.

Indeed ! I mean I suspect C-PTSD because I haven't been diagnosed with it but to be honest my Psychiatrist is not a talker and I only asked him once for a diagnosis and he said anxiety disorder (severe) but since that time I revealed a lot and I haven't asked him for a diagnosis update but I highly suspect that some comorbidities have been added to my file anyway. Furthermore, I've been exposed to multiple series of traumatic events in my childhood each serie would in most cases induce C-PTSD. But hey, I'm fine; I survived !

[Braingel]

Indeed ! I mean I suspect C-PTSD because I haven't been diagnosed with it but to be honest my Psychiatrist is not a talker and I only asked him once for a diagnosis and he said anxiety disorder (severe) but since that time I revealed a lot and I haven't asked him for a diagnosis update but I highly suspect that some comorbidities have been added to my file anyway. Furthermore, I've been exposed to multiple series of traumatic events in my childhood each serie would in most cases induce C-PTSD. But hey, I'm fine; I survived !

I see, our society is very poor at recognizing childhood trauma and emotional issues— something that affect one’s entire future development, I am sorry, but it is a good thing you are getting help, even if I believe most psychotherapies are poor for dealing with complex trauma (I am a purporter of primal therapy, and with my own autism, I need somatic ones, as I believe the sensory dysfunction of autism entraps it more seriously in me and has had a role in making me sick physically).

[RaptorWesNet]

I noticed there was Schizoid talk here. By definition, it’s DREAMING

like, a soul gem of fractal balance trinkets holistically breaking illustrious coves of turtle wisdom!!

[spacious]

I went to my psychiatric consultation this afternoon. The session went pretty much as usual, very quickly. However, I asked him if he could refer me to a psychologist with whom I would have more time to talk. I added that my sessions with him were very important to me, but that I didn't want to bore him with all my problems in such a short amount of time ...

He agreed ! He even told me that I actually needed it. So he gave me the contact details of a psychologist (in the same area) and told me to make an appointment with him, and say that he send me to him.


In conclusion, I will now have two mental health related sessions. It was about time for me to be able to say that I'll be in "therapy" soon (This reminds me a TV show that I loved very much called "in treatment" for those who don't know it, I recommend watching it ).

wonderful! proud of you!

[godslave]

Boy, that sounds terrible.

What would you do with yourself if you had the ability to do it? Surely it's not this.

Are you kidding me ? I would have been a Rock Star of course !!

[Park]

Your father sounds like an unhinged maniac and a bully. And your psychiatrist like a completely useless bureaucrat that you're wasting your time (and money, if you're paying out of pocket) on.

I'm shameful about the fact that my life has been kinda wasted.

Don't you worry about the remainder of it getting wasted? I have ego-dystonic issues myself and my biggest fear is not being able or not having sufficient time to "stir the ship in the right direction" before the discrepancy between who I am and who I want to become gets so big I won't be able to live with it.

[Park]

What would you do with yourself if you had the ability to do it? Surely it's not this.

Are you kidding me ? I would have been a Rock Star of course !!

I think he was genuinely curious. But I suspect you might not feel comfortable sharing.

I think it's a good question to ask yourself. You might uncover some insight or have an epiphany that could help stir you in the right direction in life. In fact, I think I'm going to ponder that question myself and see where it leads me.

[godslave]

Your father sounds like an unhinged maniac and a bully. And your psychiatrist like a completely useless bureaucrat that you're wasting your time (and money, if you're paying out of pocket) on.

What you said about my psychiatrist is indeed the general impression I got from him but I try very hard to convince myself that it's not the case.

As for my father, what can I say ? I don't hate him. I felt a lot of anger, frustration towards him stemming from sentiment of unjust treatment when I was younger but not anymore. I learned with years how he ticks and how to make it so that he feels important and validated (it's the first time I use the world "validated" in that sense, I'm not even sure to know what it means...).
To tell you the truth, I am quite an empathic person a bit EII-ish if you will, and sometimes I think about telling him the consequences I had to face because of some of his decisions (like schooling my older brother and I in foreign country) would be too cruel.

My parents are From Tunisia, I call it Carthage because it's sounds more Glorious and cool I was 9 years old when I was sent there to live with my maternal grandmother and my older brother (my father send him first a couple of years before). I've always been familiar with my second country because each summer my mother would take me and my siblings there during the summer holidays.

Anyways, I didn't lived in Tunisia as long as my brother did for medical reasons. So at some point I had to leave my brother, he spent several years more there. It is important to note that my brother spend six years in Tunisia without returning to France (not even for holidays).

If I were to talk my father about what happened to me there, I think he would have a heart attack. My brother had his issues too but that doesn't come near what I suffered. That said We were treated very well by our grandmother, and my parents sent her money every month to cover for all our needs and more.

My brother have being brought back to France when he was around 16, I was 13. From the moment we were reunited I was kinda "happy" to have him back (even if already was very very psychologically wounded). It was the time we discovered the new generation of video Games (the NES was just being commercialized). My brother is the kind of person who breaks video controllers when he loses and can't accept being defeated... He also made my life miserable, I mean to give you a picture I'm like Gohan and he's Like Frieza from DBZ.

Years passed and there came the time when he moved to college in Paris where he met his wife (she was studying philosophy and ancient Greek at La Sorbonne but my brother wasn't a student of that University).

Anyway, he got married (divorced about one year ago) and had three kids. He of course, was a tyrant too. Extremely manipulative (he is clinically a narcissist) but not violent although he could be in extreme situation ; One day after an argument with his wife (which happened about everyday day) he cut his arm so deeply that he lost a certain percentage of validity, and this action was considered a suicide attempt by the doctors....

Don't you worry about the remainder of it getting wasted? I have ego-dystonic issues myself and my biggest fear is not being able or not having sufficient time to "stir the ship in the right direction" before the discrepancy between who I am and who I want to become gets so big I won't be able to live with it.

That's a really difficult question. I am indeed at the crossroad of my life. My worldview has shifted since I became a non-believer Muslim. I was deep into religion before, but I guess the unconscious reason why I start studying it in depth was an ultimate attempt to seduce my Father and make him proud of me or at least worth something, in vain of course. What I learned and the new persona borned form all this were just collateral events. Btw,I think I'm one of those people who have multiple personas. That maybe is the reason why I'm kinda lost and retreat in my now comfortable hikikomori persona instead of choosing a road.

When think that I'm sure of about myself, is that I am at my top in extreme situations. Where I don't have to think and the events (or reality) imposes its will on me and makes take the right actions without further ruminations.

I think this discussion has been very constructive so far, you made think of stuff that I wouldn't necessarily though of on my own.

[godslave]

I think he was genuinely curious. But I suspect you might not feel comfortable sharing.

Indeed ! I mean I was half-joking when I talked about becoming a Rock Star ! I worked my a.. for years and years practicing with obsession, studying music, and digital tools each with a certain learning curve. In fact I did that while also doing another challenging thing related to religion but in total contradiction with my music obsession such as electric guitar mastery. Again the Persona A and Persona B thing. I mean I run on passion.

The problem is that I find it hard to retrieve the passion because of anhedonia. Maybe I had something remotely like it when I start studying socionics. Actually I suspect that my asthma treatment has kinda messed with my brain. Indeed, depression is a side effect of the medicine (Fluticasone propionate 500 micrograms/dose + Salmeterol) I've been taking every single day since around 2001. I should talk about it with my psychiatrist

I think it's a good question to ask yourself. You might uncover some insight or have an epiphany that could help stir you in the right direction in life. In fact, I think I'm going to ponder that question myself and see where it leads me.

Indeed ! I tried to answer it in the pst above.

[Park]

So not only did you have to constantly take shit from your father, but you were also sent to a foreign country/environment at a very young age, exposing you to additional trauma. Which one would you say has traumatized you more — your father being an asshole, or the events and experiences that took place in Tunisia? If you only had to endure one, do you think you would still have wound up disintegrating mentally and losing direction/wasting your life?


What I find curious is that you felt the need to do things to obtain validation from your father, in spite of all the shit he made you endure. It makes me think of two things: masochism and codependency, the latter of which you almost certainly have.

I suspect religion played a role here, too. I've known muslims who were raised in highly abusive and violent environments. But aside from being obedient, what other options does one realistically have in such circumstances? Resist your father and get abused physically? Put a bullet through his head? It's like you're screwed no matter what you do. Unless you can escape early on and start life from scratch away from your family system, which is often a tough and nearly impossible thing to do.


Regarding your multiple personas theory, it could just be that you are a versatile, multifaceted guy. Many talented and intellectually curious people are like that. Or maybe in your case it also has to do with identity disturbance resulting from complex trauma, leading to the development of an unstable sense of self and a compulsion to keep switching goals and aspirations. Either way, I think you only need to pick one thing and give it a go. As in, make it your "day job," an interface for interacting with the outside world and establishing relationships with people. E.g., you can't meet the right woman if you don't meet any women, if you get what I'm saying.

I think this discussion has been very constructive so far, you made think of stuff that I wouldn't necessarily though of on my own.

Maybe I should become a counselor and start a practice. I haven't really been able to find true fulfillment or meaning/purpose in any of the things I've done professionally so far, so maybe fixing people would do that...

[godslave]

I don't even know the name of my most constant mood. I have two waking phases ; first I realize that I've slept but once again I don't feel revitalized and I guess how long it's been since I slept and what time it is. Second, I realise that I'm still alive and even if my circadian rhythm is broken beyond repair, the time of my waking-up might differ albeit always relative to my sleep-time which is constant (between 4 to 5-6 hours max) it's groundhog day again..

Then I glance at my phone, which I keep at the perfect distance and in the perfect position so that when I reach out with my right arm, my hand and fingers are perfectly aligned with the phone's side buttons. All I have to do is squeeze my fingers to grasp it and press the button that lights it up at the same time, so I can read the time and see that, as usual, nobody of importance has called me. I expect to get unwanted/marketing calls, but that's not always the case.

For many years now I've always kept my phone in silent mode. The truth is I don't like being called, I don't like surprises, I don't like unexpected guests. My mother visited me the other day and spent the night at my place. She has a spare key to my apartment and she knows that I don't like it when people ring my doorbell because it irritates me (I'm extremely vulnerable to dissonances). She knocked but I didn't hear her, so she opened the door and by the sound of the mechanism I knew it was her. My sister also has a spare key to my flat but she's abroad at the moment.

I was in the small entrance hall and even before saying hello I said ““why didn't you tell me you were coming to visit me !” she told me she had called me several times and to check my phone, but as the internet was down I hadn't received the calls (my mother prefers to call me by whatsapp).

She arrived just in time for the dinner I was preparing, she enjoyed it and congratulated me on the quality of the dish which according to her was better than if she had made it herself. I am an excellent host and when I happen to receive someone at my home which is exceptionally rare, they are treated like kings especially if it is my mother. We did not discuss too much, she was very tired and went to bed early. After spending the night, she returned home early on Saturday morning.

It's Tuesday evening, almost 9.30 pm and I haven't spoken to anyone since, not a word. This could last a whole week or more. In fact, it depends on my level of supplies, I have to say a few words when I do my shopping. Always the same in two formulas ; the shopping mall cashier version "By card please, thank you, goodbye, " and the baker version : "four very very cooked baguettes please, thank you, goodbye". Two years ago I could go up to a month without speaking to anyone because I was stocking up foodstuffs for a month (but I ration my food so sometimes it went beyond the month).

Anyway, the point of my post was initially about something else. I had an uncle on my mother's side that I never knew. He committed suicide in 1971 at the age of eighteen. No one ever or so rarely talks about him in my family but since yesterday, I can't stop thinking about him for some reason.

[spacious]

I don't even know the name of my most constant mood. I have two waking phases ; first I realize that I've slept but once again I don't feel revitalized and I guess how long it's been since I slept and what time it is. Second, I realise that I'm still alive and even if my circadian rhythm is broken beyond repair, the time of my waking-up might differ albeit always relative to my sleep-time which is constant (between 4 to 5-6 hours max) it's groundhog day again..

Then I glance at my phone, which I keep at the perfect distance and in the perfect position so that when I reach out with my right arm, my hand and fingers are perfectly aligned with the phone's side buttons. All I have to do is squeeze my fingers to grasp it and press the button that lights it up at the same time, so I can read the time and see that, as usual, nobody of importance has called me. I expect to get unwanted/marketing calls, but that's not always the case.

For many years now I've always kept my phone in silent mode. The truth is I don't like being called, I don't like surprises, I don't like unexpected guests. My mother visited me the other day and spent the night at my place. She has a spare key to my apartment and she knows that I don't like it when people ring my doorbell because it irritates me (I'm extremely vulnerable to dissonances). She knocked but I didn't hear her, so she opened the door and by the sound of the mechanism I knew it was her. My sister also has a spare key to my flat but she's abroad at the moment.

I was in the small entrance hall and even before saying hello I said ““why didn't you tell me you were coming to visit me !” she told me she had called me several times and to check my phone, but as the internet was down I hadn't received the calls (my mother prefers to call me by whatsapp).

She arrived just in time for the dinner I was preparing, she enjoyed it and congratulated me on the quality of the dish which according to her was better than if she had made it herself. I am an excellent host and when I happen to receive someone at my home which is exceptionally rare, they are treated like kings especially if it is my mother. We did not discuss too much, she was very tired and went to bed early. After spending the night, she returned home early on Saturday morning.

It's Tuesday evening, almost 9.30 pm and I haven't spoken to anyone since, not a word. This could last a whole week or more. In fact, it depends on my level of supplies, I have to say a few words when I do my shopping. Always the same in two formulas ; the shopping mall cashier version "By card please, thank you, goodbye, " and the baker version : "four very very cooked baguettes please, thank you, goodbye". Two years ago I could go up to a month without speaking to anyone because I was stocking up foodstuffs for a month (but I ration my food so sometimes it went beyond the month).

Anyway, the point of my post was initially about something else. I had an uncle on my mother's side that I never knew. He committed suicide in 1971 at the age of eighteen. No one ever or so rarely talks about him in my family but since yesterday, I can't stop thinking about him for some reason.

incidentally, i learned earlier in the day that today, sept 10, is world suicide prevention day.

<3

[godslave]

incidentally, i learned earlier in the day that today, sept 10, is world suicide prevention day.

<3

I wasn't aware of that at all ! I mean, you can't make this up !

[spacious]

I wasn't aware of that at all ! I mean, you can't make this up !

by the way, i'm curious what the purpose of your mother's visit was exactly, i mean, it seems so out of the blue, and that she didn't stay for very long (in the evening, obviously overnight, and then left the next morning) -- did it seem like she was trying to check up on you? or somehow needed/wanted something from you?

i'm not sure when your (first??) appointment with the talk therapist/psychologist is, but i hope that it goes well

[godslave]

by the way, i'm curious what the purpose of your mother's visit was exactly, i mean, it seems so out of the blue, and that she didn't stay for very long (in the evening, obviously overnight, and then left the next morning) -- did it seem like she was trying to check up on you? or somehow needed/wanted something from you?

i'm not sure when your (first??) appointment with the talk therapist/psychologist is, but i hope that it goes well

Thank you for your time and kind words.

The last time my mother spent a night in my apartment was at least six months ago (maybe more, but less than a year ago). This time, she just wanted to spend some time with me, so she brought me some food (she'd cooked a pasta sauce with meatballs, she also brought me some fruit) but as I said, I was cooking so I kept what she'd brought for later. Indeed, I cooked spaghetti the next day with that pasta sauce and it was delicious !

Anyway, there was indeed a subject she wanted to address though. It was about my little sister. She's been abroad at one of my maternal aunts house for about three months. In fact it's been more like six months, because about three months ago she came back to France for a few days before going back to my aunt's where she had already spent three months before. Personally, that pattern struck a chord with me because it reminds me of what I used to do when I was her age. Only love makes me want to travel...

Indeed, my mother told me that there is a man who would like to marry her. My aunt says he's a good person, has good social status and success (blah blah blah !). My mother didn't seem okay with it. I don't think my father knows about it (I didn't ask my mother to verify it ). I don't know my sister's side of the story. I don't know if it's an arranged marriage attempt or if my sister and this man are already a couple (?). As far as I know, my sister had been bonding with a Japanese dude for a few years. They even met a year ago during a trip they had organized through Turkey, Georgia and Armenia. The japanese dude was accompanied by his best friend and they all had a great time. So I'm a bit lost in all this...

The discussion on this subject lasted not even five minutes. To be honest, all that matters to me is that my sister is happy and above all that she doesn't follow my example. I've already told her that if she doesn't take control of her life she'll end up like me. I encouraged her to do whatever she wanted regardless of what my parents thought. I think it worked, since she made her journey (on her own !) without giving my mother or anyone else the details. Initially my sister just said she was going to visit Turkey, the rest of the trip details although planned, she had kept to herself. And she did the right thing !

Being a night owl, I didn't sleep that night. My mother went back home that morning, but of course not before I made her a nice breakfast !

As for my consultation with the psychologist, I'm afraid I have to admit that I have not yet made an appointment (I have not contacted him yet in fact). I will do it on Monday. Also, my doctor prescribed me 20 physiotherapy sessions for my shoulder (I escaped surgery !) a little over a month ago but again, I have not been to the physiotherapist yet. My shoulder pain is not as painful it used to but it is still present nonetheless. because One step at a time...

[spacious]

@godslave, you strike me as such a kind, sweet person and soul. I often feel uplifted after reading your posts, and enjoy your emotional energy, even when you are ranting about something 😂. ☺️

[godslave]

@godslave, you strike me as such a kind, sweet person and soul. I often feel uplifted after reading your posts, and enjoy your emotional energy, even when you are ranting about something . ☺️

Thank you very much for your kind words. That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me in a very long time. I'm happy if I can contribute to uplift your mood.

[godslave]

This is a well done video on Carl Jung's puer aeternus archetype. I could have post it in my Peter Pan Syndrome thread but I've already linked a good video there so I figured that I might as well post this one here.

 

�� Discover the profound insights of Carl Jung's puer aeternus—the "eternal boy" or "man-child" archetype that symbolizes the adult who clings to youthful ideals, resisting the transition into maturity. In this in-depth exploration, we delve into Jungian psychology to understand how the puer aeternus manifests in modern life, influencing personal development, relationships, and societal dynamics. From ancient mythology and the revered child-god Iacchus to contemporary figures like Peter Pan and Neo from The Matrix, we trace the journey of the eternal youth archetype through time, but also learn directly from Carl Jung's own words, offering profound insights into the psyche.

We also bring exclusive content from Jung’s serene retreat in Bollingen, Switzerland, where he built the famous tower that symbolizes his personal journey of individuation and self-discovery. Jung’s time in Bollingen provides a unique glimpse into his reflective process and connection to the puer aeternus archetype, offering viewers a rare look into the space where he lived and worked.

�� What You'll Learn

Origins of the Puer Aeternus: Explore the mythological roots and how ancient stories shape modern understanding.Psychological Implications: Understand the impact on individuals who resist adulthood and how it affects their psyche.Cultural Representations: Analyze how literature, film, and media portray the eternal child archetype.Balancing Archetypes: Learn about integrating the puer (youthful spirit) and senex (wise elder) for personal growth.Overcoming Challenges: Gain insights into confronting the mother complex and embracing individuation.

�� Chapters:
0:00 Introduction to the Puer Aeternus
3:15 Mythological Foundations
7:45 Carl Jung's Interpretation
12:30 Modern Manifestations (Peter Pan, The Matrix)
18:20 The Mother Complex Explained
23:55 The Puer and Puella in Today's World
29:10 Balancing Youth and Maturity
34:25 Steps Toward Individuation
39:50 Conclusion and Reflections (Exclusive Bollingen Insights & Jung's View On The Puer Aeternus)

�� Key Concepts:

Carl Jung's psychology Puer Aeternus and Puella Aeterna Archetype Mother complex and father archetypes Individuation and personal development Shadow work and integration Modern masculinity and femininity Overcoming Peter Pan syndrome Exclusive insights from Carl Jung’s home in Bollingen, Switzerland Exclusive perspectives from Marie-Louise von Franz, Carl Jung’s closest collaborator.

[Kalinoche buenanoche]

This is a well done video on Carl Jung's puer aeternus archetype. I could have post it in my Peter Pan Syndrome thread but I've already linked a good video there so I figured that I might as well post this one here.

 

�� Discover the profound insights of Carl Jung's puer aeternus—the "eternal boy" or "man-child" archetype that symbolizes the adult who clings to youthful ideals, resisting the transition into maturity. In this in-depth exploration, we delve into Jungian psychology to understand how the puer aeternus manifests in modern life, influencing personal development, relationships, and societal dynamics. From ancient mythology and the revered child-god Iacchus to contemporary figures like Peter Pan and Neo from The Matrix, we trace the journey of the eternal youth archetype through time, but also learn directly from Carl Jung's own words, offering profound insights into the psyche.

We also bring exclusive content from Jung’s serene retreat in Bollingen, Switzerland, where he built the famous tower that symbolizes his personal journey of individuation and self-discovery. Jung’s time in Bollingen provides a unique glimpse into his reflective process and connection to the puer aeternus archetype, offering viewers a rare look into the space where he lived and worked.

�� What You'll Learn

Origins of the Puer Aeternus: Explore the mythological roots and how ancient stories shape modern understanding.Psychological Implications: Understand the impact on individuals who resist adulthood and how it affects their psyche.Cultural Representations: Analyze how literature, film, and media portray the eternal child archetype.Balancing Archetypes: Learn about integrating the puer (youthful spirit) and senex (wise elder) for personal growth.Overcoming Challenges: Gain insights into confronting the mother complex and embracing individuation.

�� Chapters:
0:00 Introduction to the Puer Aeternus
3:15 Mythological Foundations
7:45 Carl Jung's Interpretation
12:30 Modern Manifestations (Peter Pan, The Matrix)
18:20 The Mother Complex Explained
23:55 The Puer and Puella in Today's World
29:10 Balancing Youth and Maturity
34:25 Steps Toward Individuation
39:50 Conclusion and Reflections (Exclusive Bollingen Insights & Jung's View On The Puer Aeternus)

�� Key Concepts:

Carl Jung's psychology Puer Aeternus and Puella Aeterna Archetype Mother complex and father archetypes Individuation and personal development Shadow work and integration Modern masculinity and femininity Overcoming Peter Pan syndrome Exclusive insights from Carl Jung’s home in Bollingen, Switzerland Exclusive perspectives from Marie-Louise von Franz, Carl Jung’s closest collaborator.

Isn’t pretty much every word uttered (by him or anyone) an archetype on its own?

[godslave]

Isn’t pretty much every word uttered (by him or anyone) an archetype on its own?

That's a difficult question. So much so that I'm not sure if I understand it correctly. I would say that not every word is an archetype in and of itself. indeed words are grammatically categorized in classes, functions and phrases of which the meaning is relative to the usage of vocabulary.

Although we can't say that every word is necessarily an archetype, what constitute the primary idea of certain words namely the symbolic representation of ideas and patterns of thoughts are most definitely archetypical as they pertain to a certain archaism relative to instincts and survival. With the Neolithic revolution (sirca 10,000 bc) and the advent of agriculture and sedentary came new sets of symbolic representations (spoken before the invention of writing) articulated words therefore objectivised archetypes that either were already available (remember the human psyche is not a tabula rasa) or have evolved from the same archetypal stem cell in you will and that would made their way in the collective unconscious throughout the millennia.

I would say the the solution precedes the situation, in other words we have the keys to solutionize ant problem inscribe in us, those keys can also be seen as archetypes. However, the proximity with certain archetypes and their integrations depends on the individual journey, where he started, where he stands and where he can/should go. The process of individuation is the individual's quest for himself. At least that's what Jung thought, the truth is still out there !

[Park]

That was an excellent watch. A good amalgamation of raw material and commentary on related topics.

I always thought Jung was a badass, despite finding his manner of speaking/style of expression a little foreign and hard to decipher at times.

[godslave]

My personality is not my best ally. I don't know how I am supposed to cope with the fact that my psychiatrist doesn't see how depressed I am. Is it because I don't express it ? Is it because he is incompetent ? Is it because my depression is so well hidden that even my psychiatrist can't see it because I'm a freaking clown and I'm not comfortable showing negative emotions !!?? I don't know !

I was listening to a piece of music and I got triggered me for some reason. I was suddenly seized by a tsunami of emotions. I felt lost and desperate. I broke down in tears for about two minutes (that's a long time for me folks !).

Imagine that you are very happy, you have a wonderful SO that you love very much and two adorable four years old twin kids. One day you wake up and find yourself in the hospital but you don't know why, you are disoriented. A doctor is there in the room. He is telling you that you had an car accident, and that you're the only survivor of the accident. You've lost your SO and kids. Imagine that feeling, and you will have an idea of what I felt vividly for about two minutes !

My life right now looks as if this horrible thing really happened to me. I'm in a denial phase of a loss that is the fruit of my imagination. A fantasy... F me ! Excuse my French but I curse a lot irl but nobody is here to hear these words anyway cuz I'm always alone ! You see, I'm hikikomori but I guess that's the least of my problems. Anyway, five minute after that incident, my mood got back to "normal" as if nothing happened. This pattern happens to me a lot since the past five years. My loneliness is literally killing me but I must confess I still believe.

Real friendship is a very very precious thing folks. I don't have any friend at all. I think having a real friend in life is even more important than a romantic partner, I mean the jackpot would be if your best friend is also your romantic partner. I guess the terms "significant other" in that case would be very appropriate.

To me a real friend is someone who can see through your bullcrap. You can't fool or "I'm find" him/her if inside you're not okay. Also a real friend is someone who tells you the truth, always. He is not afraid to hurt your feelings, he can tell you to F off if need be and you will not be offended by him/her. Camaraderie in anime triggers me because I've always longed for it. That's why I want to live in One Piece land !

[Distance]

To explain it is just divine, in a simple experience.

It's an elixir that can even kill schizophrenia.

[godslave]

I have "dream constipation" since a while now. As I was writing this, an idea came to my mind. I suspect that Archetypal dreams are hardly forgettable.

Anyway, this years I dreamt of Set (Egyptian deity) ; I was traveling on his Mesektet barque in the underworld crossing the subterrestrial Nile...
I also dreamt of Jesus Christ (I've see him several time in dreams throughout my life). I forgot all the other dreams.

My psychiatrist never asked me about my dreams, I hope my near future psychologist will. Internet said that he's a Freudian, oh well !

[godslave]

According to my phone history, the last time I took a call was ten days ago. This doesn't necessarily mean that I haven't communicated with anyone. Indeed, I texted an old friend lady for her birthday (like I always do) a week ago and she texted me back and thanked me. I'll text her again on new year's eve (like I always do)...

Four days ago I went to the mall, l said “By card please” and “thank you” to the cashier. Five minutes later I was back home. I often feel like this dude but I really shouldn't ! I'm thankful for this forum. Anyway...

[Park]

Also a real friend is someone who tells you the truth, always.

Amen, brother. That is the one and only litmus test for a real friend. I want to say a couple of other things, but I'm exhausted now. Maybe later. In the meantime, take care.

[godslave]

Today I went to my monthly psychiatric consultation. The session was a little longer than usual. As usual, I had prepared a short list of the points I wanted to raise.

- "How are you doing ?" He asked

-" No really good..."

- "How so ?"

- "I don't know, it's as if I had charcot's disease (ALS) but in my mind".

- "Oh, that's a very poetic way to put it ! Are you a poet ?"

- “I don't know, maybe a little..”.

- " Do you write poetry ?

- “Yes, I do sometimes" I forgot to say that I haven't written anything (or so little) since a long time.

- "You are a poet and you also have a scientific mind I've noticed" he added.

I was a bit surprised by this but I took it as a compliment .

I then took my list out of my pocket, and began to tell him about my monthly misery. First I told him about my suspicion that my asthma medication might have something to do with my situation. I told him that my treatment contains corticosteroids (Fluticasone propionate 500 micrograms + Salmeterol 50 micrograms ) and that I've been taking it every day for 24 years.

- "Can it have an influence on my mental state ?" I asked "I know that depression is listed as a side effect of the product."
- "Yes, any hormone based treatment like this can have an effect...it's possible"
On my list I've noted that I almost called a free service called "SOS Amitié (Friendship)" twice.

- "Did you call that service ?" he asked
- "No !"

I continued to read the list : Andropause !

- "I think I'm might be in andropause phase.." I said with a worried yet uncertain look
- " What ? No, men in their 60's might have that kind of thing but you're too young for that" he said
- "I think I have a low testosterone level" I added
- "Did you test your level of testosterone ?" he asked
- "No, in fact I haven't mentioned that suspicion to my doctor, But I kinda have reasons to believe so"

And then I talked about the fact that I no longer answer the phone unless it's my mother and that one of my sister tried to contact me today but I just ignored her call..

Suddenly he asked :

- "What are you afraid of today ?"
- "Afraid ? I don't know"
- "Yes, what are you afraid of today ? he insisted

At that very moment this scene ran in my mind. But I just talked about the fact that I don't know anybody in my neighborhood, I'm insecure about that, always being alone, being seen as a weirdo (therefore dangerous) by my neighbors , about going out of the house, etc...

And then the session was almost over when I added:

- " By the way, I haven't made an appointment with the psychologist yet. I think about it every day but I procrastinate. I'll do it as soon as I can."

Since I was in it, I took the opportunity to ask him :

- " What should I tell him ? Can you give me a diagnosis so that he knows why I came to see him ?"
- " Diagnosis ? No, I don't want him to know, let him get to know you and he'll find out naturally."

And that was it, we said goodbye and see you next month !

To be continued...

[Park]

@godslave Dude... sounds like you've been talking to a wall. He's obviously got no interest (or capability) of helping you.

Regarding what you said earlier about him not "seeing" how depressed you are, why would/should he? I mean, if you're unwilling to tell him your problems (including the fact that you're depressed) what's the point of seeing a shrink? And if you can't build basic rapport and don't feel comfortable around him specifically, why don't you find someone else?

[Park]

I texted an old friend lady for her birthday (like I always do) a week ago and she texted me back and thanked me. I'll text her again on new year's eve (like I always do)...

I don't get this. What's the point of texting someone like that on a set schedule without having any other communication or relationships with them??? What's the benefit for either of you?

On the upside, I see you're a creature of habit and regularity. And that's something you can surely use to your own gain rather than against. It's something I don't think I have but sometimes wish I had so I can have a little more consistency in my life. If I were you, I would be looking for ways to leverage this to my advantage.

[Distance]

If you think you have avoidant, joining that forum might be better than talking with a generic doctor, courtesy from the free medicine in France tickets.

At least you could find strategies there.

If you are nestled in a lack of a natural dopamine push, you might try external factors that will up-regulate it. Any activity outside and with people will break any depressive bubble in this mode, including anhedonia. If you can laugh in any instance, that is a bubble break. Being isolated will doom this into oblivion, and that is something to avoid.

[godslave]

I don't get this. What's the point of texting someone like that on a set schedule without having any other communication or relationships with them??? What's the benefit for either of you?

First of all, she's almost family (I know her since forever). We call ourselves "cousins". She's one the three daughters of my mother's close friend. Second, It's a sign of gratitude and affection because she helped me with administrative stuff some fifteen years ago. It wasn't a big deal and I could have done it myself but I appreciated her intention. Also I like her very much, in fact I had/have (?) a weird story with her (maybe I'll talk about it in the near future) which feels like an unfinished business. It's like a very long melody that hasn't resolved yet and is still wandering in a modal labyrinth.

On the upside, I see you're a creature of habit and regularity. And that's something you can surely use to your own gain rather than against. It's something I don't think I have but sometimes wish I had so I can have a little more consistency in my life. If I were you, I would be looking for ways to leverage this to my advantage.

Oh yes, I'm as predictable as the circles of the Moon, until I'm not anymore cuz something changed. Also, I'm very patient.

Thank you for your time and insights.

[godslave]

@godslave Dude... sounds like you've been talking to a wall. He's obviously got no interest (or capability) of helping you.

Regarding what you said earlier about him not "seeing" how depressed you are, why would/should he? I mean, if you're unwilling to tell him your problems (including the fact that you're depressed) what's the point of seeing a shrink? And if you can't build basic rapport and don't feel comfortable around him specifically, why don't you find someone else?

I don't know what to say, I somehow trust his professionalism ( he's Head of the Department of Psychiatry at a one of my city hospital). Maybe the problem is me, maybe I don't communicate well enough how depressed I am .

As for finding someone else, I hope that the psychologist that I'm about to see in addition to my psychiatrist will help in terms of therapeutic approach even if after a little internet research I found out that he is a "Freudian" so there is that too. That said, any discussion with a human being that is willing to listen to you is worth all the xanax and lexapro in the world !

[Park]

First of all, she's almost family (I know her since forever). We call ourselves "cousins". She's one the three daughters of my mother's close friend.

Means absolutely nothing, especially if the only interactions you have with here are two formal and predictable text messages (and her two formal and predictable replies) per year. Not saying this is the case, just that how long you've known her and what her "status" is in your family has no value on its own.

Second, It's a sign of gratitude and affection because she helped me with administrative stuff some fifteen years ago. It wasn't a big deal and I could have done it myself but I appreciated her intention. Also I like her very much, in fact I had/have (?) a weird story with her (maybe I'll talk about it in the near future) which feels like an unfinished business. It's like a very long melody that hasn't resolved yet and is still wandering in a modal labyrinth.

The way you worded your previous comment sounded like you had some friendship in the distant past and nothing else. I will still be scratching my head if you tell me you have nothing going on in the present moment except for those semi-automated texts.

[Park]

I don't know what to say, I somehow trust his professionalism ( he's Head of the Department of Psychiatry at a one of my city hospital).

You trust titles given by institutions? How cute, I mean, naive.

Maybe the problem is me, maybe I don't communicate well enough how depressed I am .

You don't know how to say "I have depression" (and explain why and how it manifests itself) in French? Seriously though, just say what you want the other person to hear...

As for finding someone else, I hope that the psychologist that I'm about to see in addition to my psychiatrist will help in terms of therapeutic approach even if after a little internet research I found out that he is a "Freudian" so there is that too. That said, any discussion with a human being that is willing to listen to you is worth all the xanax and lexapro in the world !

Good luck. I think someone like that old lady friend, or any other old friend or acquaintance who've known you in the past, might potentially be of more help or at least more willing to hear you out and provide constructive feedback. But I'm sure you've already thought of this and don't want to do it.

[godslave]

The way you worded your previous comment sounded like you had some friendship in the distant past and nothing else. I will still be scratching my head if you tell me you have nothing going on in the present moment except for those semi-automated texts.

Indeed, I have nothing going on except those texts. I haven't see her in person since the time of my little brother wedding about five years ago. My brother and I went to her house to hand-deliver the wedding invitation. She didn't come to the wedding (but her mother and sisters did). The last time I had a hug , it was her who gave it to me that evening. To give you an Idea of what she looks like, this French stand-up comedian lady is basically her clone (same face, same voice, same energy, same type but my "cousin" is older (my age)). Here she is in a more relaxed interview from seven years ago.