How do I learn to value myself unconditionally?

[Averroes]

I genuinely don't care about securing a future for myself, taking care of my health, or doing anything positive for myself if it's not a means of eventually getting a woman's approval. I'm like the worst case of codependency and E9ness imaginable. I have zero self-respect and think of myself as this annoying stranger that I desperately want to escape from

Recently an attractive woman that I was involved with completely disrespected me due to my perceived financial status and revealed herself to be a terrible person, and yet I continue to follow her on social media and like her photos because I feel validated by the fact that this superior being was infatuated with me for a brief moment

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Women only tend to value males who value themselves and their own opinions over that of females, and pretty much everybody else that's not himself. So yeah if woman's approval is what you seek you are going about it backwards anyway.

I don't have a good answer to this, as I'm a big believer in genetics and born this way-isms, not just with the gay thing but with pretty much everything. Everybody else wants other people to change but can't change themselves. If we want to make the world a better place, we have to look at ourselves and make the change. Hehe. Sing it, IEI Michael Jackson.

I learned something interesting about my dad today. I sorta had previously viewed him more as a beta male cuck compared to other guys but in truth my mom told me he stood up to her all the time and told her that he was the boss and she was turned on by that LMAO and didn't overly people please her. My dad was a Chad.

It's not about being too harsh or overly disrespectful of women, because that's insecure bullying and two sides of the same coin as the 'Nice Guy' - sure some masochistic women will be unhealthily into that but I don't think either heterosexual wants that long-term - it's just valuing your opinion and final say over everybody else's. I'm sure you can think of some situations in life where you did this naturally without even trying. Maybe just build on that idk.

[Squirrel]

These are common problems for Enneagram 9: forgetting oneself, and looking for love outside of oneself

Always remember that no one will give you the love you are looking for unless you start loving yourself first


Start writing down every good thing you did today or in the past even if it is trivial or insignificant in your opinion , and be sure to reward yourself for it ( for example: go out and buy something delicious as a reward ).


That's what I have right now

If I remember any other ideas I will write them later

[FreelancePoliceman]

Get a dog!

Also, it might be good practice to splurge on yourself. If your financial situation isn't dire, take a day to indulge in complete hedonism. Go out to a place you like to eat, do what you like to do, maybe buy yourself some nice alcohol. If you feel guilt, shoot it down. "This is what I've decided to do. Who is this who's decided to judge me? On what ground? This is my life to live as I please!" Then try to carry that mindset forward into the future, even when you aren't splurging your money. Maybe you can do something like this once a month or something. It'll even help you have something to ground yourself with if you ever catch yourself caring about a woman's opinion -- "why am I caring about a woman's opinion, of all things??"

[godslave]

I genuinely don't care about securing a future for myself, taking care of my health, or doing anything positive for myself if it's not a means of eventually getting a woman's approval. I'm like the worst case of codependency and E9ness imaginable. I have zero self-respect and think of myself as this annoying stranger that I desperately want to escape from

Recently an attractive woman that I was involved with completely disrespected me due to my perceived financial status and revealed herself to be a terrible person, and yet I continue to follow her on social media and like her photos because I feel validated by the fact that this superior being was infatuated with me for a brief moment

I don't want to sound like a Freudian but why do you think you behave that way ?

[kuno]

Ngl, some of the advice in this thread is also helping me a bit, so thank you all

[Averroes]

I don't want to sound like a Freudian but why do you think you behave that way ?

Biology and a belief that I’m worthless as a man if women don’t find me attractive. I could be rich, talented and praised for other reasons and it wouldn't matter to me. I’ve never looked at a frumpy, middle aged billionaire or executive and thought “wow, what an inspiration. That’s who I want to be”

[VewyScawwyNawcissist]

you want to escape from yourself > u have taken on how other females treat you
u also prolly repulse them by acting like soemone who they should need to escape from which validates ur self image and u keep doing this
maybe u dont love urself but u dont love anyone else too
you are chasing them because you feel like u have to or desire but not love and understanding

[Averroes]

you want to escape from yourself > u have taken on how other females treat you
u also prolly repulse them by acting like soemone who they should need to escape from which validates ur self image and u keep doing this
maybe u dont love urself but u dont love anyone else too
you are chasing them because you feel like u have to or desire but not love and understanding

This is good advice in principle, but I see so many narcissistic, chauvinistic men who are successful for superficial reasons. Who knows what they’d be like if women weren’t attracted to them. I’d feel like I’d get further by having a six pack or getting plastic surgery

[VewyScawwyNawcissist]

This is good advice in principle, but I see so many narcissistic, chauvinistic men who are successful for superficial reasons. I’d feel like I’d get further by having a six pack or getting plastic surgery

the women they are successful with are also superficial or stupid its not love. inferior men like them get inferior women (hypothetically if the woman isnt just temporarily stupid and learns better).

by the way i dont believe someone should be valued unconditionally like if they are remorseless in UNFAIR attrocities they commit without intent to improve or change they should be attrocified too, and a lot of ppl who claim they want to improve dont MEAN it.

[BrainlessSquid]

Treat yourself with respect, and fake it until you make it.
It's all about giving positive self treatment for a long time. Make yourself belief everything you want to believe. Repeat to yourself all the amazing things about you.
Make a list of all the things you are grateful for, and all the things you value in yourself (30 items minimum) and then put it on a place you can see often.
Also select a few positive affirmations and repeat them as often as possible.
In my case for example, I always repeat to myself "I'm perfect, complete, strong, powerful, loving, harmonious, and happy".
Set some attainable goals for yourself and accomplish them. Then increase the difficulty.
You'll feel and appear better, more appealing, more confident over time doing all this.

Also what works for me is having moments in my day to focus on "developing" my inferior function (which is the one who makes you feel most lacking in life if repressed)

[Averroes]

the women they are successful with are also superficial or stupid its not love. inferior men like them get inferior women (hypothetically if the woman isnt just temporarily stupid and learns better).

by the way i dont believe someone should be valued unconditionally like if they are remorseless in UNFAIR attrocities they commit without intent to improve or change they should be attrocified too, and a lot of ppl who claim they want to improve dont MEAN it.

that still doesn’t make me feel better about my situation. I’m shallow and want to be successful by my own shallow metrics that I might not be able to live up to. How do I unlearn that?

[VewyScawwyNawcissist]

that still doesn’t make me feel better about my situation. I’m shallow and want to be successful by my own shallow metrics

then u cant value urself unconditionally bc u are conditioning it

[Averroes]

then u cant value urself unconditionally bc u are conditioning it

I guess it’s just a conscious choice that I can make for no other reason than to not be miserable. There’s no inherent reason why I should love myself, I don’t have to, but it makes life more bearable.

I have empathy for others and love my parents but it's hard for me to extend that to myself

[Sol]

> I have zero self-respect

It's impossibly. Something you like or think acceptable in your traits and actions.

If you'll do more of what you think as positive or pleasant - the better you'll think about yourself. Much of this relates to communication and cooperation with other people. Try improve with who and how you do this.

Try to do more of new in life.

[Beautiful sky]

I genuinely don't care about securing a future for myself, taking care of my health, or doing anything positive for myself if it's not a means of eventually getting a woman's approval. I'm like the worst case of codependency and E9ness imaginable. I have zero self-respect and think of myself as this annoying stranger that I desperately want to escape from

Recently an attractive woman that I was involved with completely disrespected me due to my perceived financial status and revealed herself to be a terrible person, and yet I continue to follow her on social media and like her photos because I feel validated by the fact that this superior being was infatuated with me for a brief moment

That’s really a hard one
Have you checked your attachment style
You can do a free test online to see if it’s something from your childhood that you are dealing with. An insecure attachment style might be at the root of the problem.

Also, keep in mind some truths of good relationships
Someone who cares about you wants the best for you. So use that as your compass and find some good people who will be a good friend

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

I'm not even sure that u have to really like urself, just pretend that u do. It's called CONfidence for a reason. ur conning people but it's still benefiting you lol. U con ppl, tease and charm them, act like an arrogant and manipulative charming dark triad alpha male and they like u. inside u can still be the real u.

but I'm kinda just talking shit, like I said I have compassion for this kind of thing cuz I think a lot of it is just genetic, it's so easy for arrogant males to be arrogant & sexually attractive to females because they have the arrogant gene. It's a lot more complicated than just liking urself, they "blue-pill" males by telling us that but there's more to the story. A lot of conservative str8 woman like trump for example and deep down he says he was disgusted by his own body - but they like the showboating and the over the top confident persona. But I mean I've probably manipulated ppl/got them to like me more by being CONfident too. I kinda hate it though, I wish we lived in a world where people could just be shy and awkward and real.

[persimmonism]

give this guy a listen

[Squirrel]

give this guy a listen

What's his type?

[persimmonism]

What's his type?

LSI sp/sx

[Finaplex]

that still doesn’t make me feel better about my situation. I’m shallow and want to be successful by my own shallow metrics that I might not be able to live up to. How do I unlearn that?

Why is it necessary to unlearn that? Why not just embrace it instead of fighting it?

I know you wont answer, given in all the years I've responded you have never answered. But I wanted to point out anyway because I'm can't help myself.

[Averroes]

Why is it necessary to unlearn that? Why not just embrace it instead of fighting it?

I know you wont answer, given in all the years I've responded you have never answered. But I wanted to point out anyway because I'm can't help myself.

It's not serving me and I can't win. I'd be happier if I had more modest ambitions/desires

[Bethanyclaire]

lol i am not disciplined around food. but I am slightly more disciplined when around people whose opinions I care about. (watched the vid..first part)

[Bethanyclaire]

@Averroes I like to look back at life in terms of chunks or 'years', and think about things I achieved within a few years. You may have changed more than you think(?) Or maybe it's only just starting but it does take a few years for change to happen- think of it like doing a degree in self-development lol

[leckysupport]

In any sort of sexual/relationship you're going to be emotionally compromised in some way or the other, leading to seemingly non-self respecting behaviour.

I would say you just need to learn to make better choices (choose better women) in terms of where to risk being compromised.

So if she is definitely going to turn you into a toxic weirdo, avoid her.

[Averroes]

give this guy a listen

he speaks my language. It’s nice to hear a perspective like this from someone who isn’t “red pilled”

[necrosebud]

I don’t know how to answer that… except that it has to come from within I suppose. My rationalization was if I were really good enough reality would mirror that or provide some sort of evidence for that. But as for treating yourself well and setting boundaries you need (in this case, perhaps unfollowing her so that that wound doesn’t get exposed again and again)… well, why should you NOT do it? For me, I thought I didn’t deserve it… I couldnt say exactly why

but yeah to put it briefly that desire has to come from within. Also (I’m not saying this is the case for you) when bullying or abuse is involved it makes it even harder, bc ppl can be conditioned to believe they deserve that kind of treatment. But in moments of lucidity that doesn’t make sense to me.

radical acceptance is something else you might want to look into. I would say just go ahead and try to ‘treat yourself kindly’ and see how that feels.

[Renna]

Accept that you are shit and be cool with it. Not a big deal. Then you can start from there.

I think you begin to do that already.

[Renna]

“Telling yourself you are great” kind of tricks would not work well on him I guess, since he already knows what he is.

[timber]

Dude you are so pathetic.

Not even in a red pill sort of way. Just a Weiner.

Plus I think you say the opposite of what you really feel.

Ugh why Am I wasting my breath anyway.

[I am a frog]

If you are really being dismissed over your financial status alone then you are simply dealing with shit people that aren't worth chasing after, gender is irrelevant. If you truly believe these traits about yourself are innate then your best bet is to try learn to appreciate and develop a taste for less narcissistic personalities.