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Thread: Contrary relationship advice

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    Question Contrary relationship advice

    Hi everyone,

    I am in a new relationship that turned out to be a contrary one. There was a lot of love and respect at the beginning. Conflicts are currently frequent because of misunderstandings. It seems to me as if we doubt the other person's intentions and motifs while generally trusting them.

    My hope is that by understanding socionics I can steer this relationship on a less rocky path. My love for the other person is still strong but I feel like the constant fighting is eroding our common base..

    What are your experiences and tips to stabilise a contrary relationship? Ours is EIE and EII by the way.

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    Hmmm. Not sure. Take lots of breaks from each other. Be kind to each other- that seems to be what keeps my contrary friendships in tact. Itís special- enjoy each other. If you discuss a disagreement donít expect them to see things completely from your perspective, this doesnít mean they arenít sorry that your feelings are hurt. Make an effort with each other but also donít expect too much from each other- focus on what you like about them. It might not be the best adviceÖI think you both have to be as mature and considerate as you can. It might not last forever but it could really nice for however long itís meant to?

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    Thank you Bethany for your thoughtful and honest advice. Holding space for the other person and accepting that we won't see certain things in the same light seems most important indeed. Taking breaks is another good point. I feel like often it takes me time to realise his perspective on the same thing.

    I am at a point in my life where I really want to find my partner to settle down with for life. It is giving me a lot of anxiety to read that most people think contrary relations are better for friendships or short term relationships.. is there really no way and no positive example for this to work out happily for a lifetime?

    The idealist in my is still full of hope I guess

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    I have an EIE friend, as an EII. It's an exciting and comfortable relation when we're together in an one-on-one setting, but when other people/third parties enter the picture, we get increasingly distrustful of, and feel betrayed by, each other. It seems like she tries to impress me and make me jealous by acting like she's having the time of her life with other people in front of me - playing up her chattiness and laughter, hoping I'd notice her doing so. Meanwhile, that just makes me annoyed and very hurt by the perceived 'betrayal' and I retaliate by withdrawing from her, instead of vying for her attention. That withdrawal, in turn, is likely perceived by her as also a betrayal.

    Learning about Socionics, I realise what they mean when they say contrary relations are of an unstable psychological distance.....

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    If you want to settle down for life with this partner, then you'll just have to accept that there will always be problems, and you'll have to work on it, or you could consider breaking up and finding somebody new. You can't change your partner's type. I assume you have typed correctly.

    I don't think contrary is very good. I would personally prefer to have a better ITR so that one has some basic compatibility to work on. Of course work is always needed in relationships, but there are different degrees of difficulty.

    Did you read this already? Scroll down to Gulenko, and especially the last "Advice for getting along"

    https://www.the16types.info/vbulleti...ment-Relations
    The decisive thing is not the reality of the object, but the reality of the subjective factor, i.e. the primordial images, which in their totality represent a psychic mirror-world. It is a mirror, however, with the peculiar capacity of representing the present contents of consciousness not in their known and customary form but in a certain sense sub specie aeternitatis, somewhat as a million-year old consciousness might see them.

    (Jung on Si)

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    Quote Originally Posted by Misspetal View Post
    Thank you Bethany for your thoughtful and honest advice. Holding space for the other person and accepting that we won't see certain things in the same light seems most important indeed. Taking breaks is another good point. I feel like often it takes me time to realise his perspective on the same thing.

    I am at a point in my life where I really want to find my partner to settle down with for life. It is giving me a lot of anxiety to read that most people think contrary relations are better for friendships or short term relationships.. is there really no way and no positive example for this to work out happily for a lifetime?

    The idealist in my is still full of hope I guess
    hmm. I want to say it could work out long term but I don’t think these relationships are common long term? I think that some of the socionics descriptions of ITR are a little misleading/misguided, however I think contrary relations for relationships probably do tend to come to a natural end? It’s why I think they’re so good for friendship. They’re kinda too good to be true? (I’m of the opinion that a long term partner whatever their type should resemble a cross between contrary and look-a-like in the way they make you feel). Sorry if it seems like I’m back tracking- was trying to respond in a way that felt honest.

    I remember my EIE friend had a boyfriend just after uni and she told us it ‘was love at first sight’ and she seemed so smitten with him. I don’t know his type but I know it came to an abrupt end. I do wonder if maybe he was EII.

    how long have you been seeing each other?

    My instinct is that these relations can be quite healthy for a couple of years but is likely to get harder after that? A relationship that is very special and not unhealthy but there’s a high chance it’ll die out. Kinda because you might both help each other realise you need a bit more from a partner? Semi-dual is like a less confusing version of contrary..and can complement you more long term..

    I think people have to be careful with contrary/activity relations. I do wonder what a good, safe contrary partner would feel like. I had a crush on an IEE when I was younger…he was my friend and he could have been a good boyfriend. But I don’t think we would have lasted? He’s a psychologist now. He would have been able to psychoanalyse me too much

    I can see why it feels good- I think we easily come into contact with semi-healthy contrary partners somehow. Identical may be better long term. Illusionary/semi dual/ dual
    are good too in my book lookalike too. as a woman I’d be wary of activity- I think they can seem good but problems might arise later
    Last edited by Bethany; 09-25-2022 at 12:41 PM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Bethany View Post

    I can see why it feels good- I think we easily come into contact with semi-healthy contrary partners somehow. Identical may be better long term. Illusionary/semi dual/ dual
    are good too in my book lookalike too. as a woman I’d be wary of activity- I think they can seem good but problems might arise later
    What are your concerns regarding an activity relationship? I'm curious

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    Quote Originally Posted by loopyclouds View Post
    What are your concerns regarding an activity relationship? I'm curious
    http://www.socionics.com/articles/thestrength.html

    i use this as a rough guide. J/P types have different approaches to planning things..this can cause conflict in every day scenarios but also for long term life plans? It might not be such an issue for healthy people who have their lives together. An LSI who is ready for a relationship might be better than an ILE who isn’t sure? It’s all very complicated lol.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Misspetal View Post
    Hi everyone,

    I am in a new relationship that turned out to be a contrary one. There was a lot of love and respect at the beginning. Conflicts are currently frequent because of misunderstandings. It seems to me as if we doubt the other person's intentions and motifs while generally trusting them.

    My hope is that by understanding socionics I can steer this relationship on a less rocky path. My love for the other person is still strong but I feel like the constant fighting is eroding our common base..

    What are your experiences and tips to stabilise a contrary relationship? Ours is EIE and EII by the way.
    I've had a close friend I've been friends with for 10 years now. I'm EII and he's EIE, and we are like brothers. But things do get rough, we still are cool with each other but ultimately I learned for things to work I had to suppress parts of myself. He really could not handle any disagreements, even impersonal ones, so to keep the peace around him I just kept my opinion to myself, but that's not healthy either. Not sure if that's a problem you 2 have. Maybe you could talk about some general problems you guys have without giving too much detail so we can see what's going on?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Lord Pixel View Post
    I've had a close friend I've been friends with for 10 years now. I'm EII and he's EIE, and we are like brothers. But things do get rough, we still are cool with each other but ultimately I learned for things to work I had to suppress parts of myself. He really could not handle any disagreements, even impersonal ones, so to keep the peace around him I just kept my opinion to myself, but that's not healthy either. Not sure if that's a problem you 2 have. Maybe you could talk about some general problems you guys have without giving too much detail so we can see what's going on?
    This basically sums up the relationship with my EII mom. When she canít reach me with her Fi, she tries to Te me and then I bristle. I react with Fe and Se and then she retreats and sulks. In the end, we both hold back for fear of the other personís reactions.

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    idk time apart. Having a wide psychological distance might be the only way to not drive each other crazy. =/ me and my IEE cousin liked each other a lot esp. when we haven't seen each other in a long time and we re-connect, cuz we both can superficially act like each other's Mirror partner at first. But as time went on the values were too different. I value logical accuracy (which is her PoLR), she values professionalism (my PoLR).

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    Quote Originally Posted by EIE H View Post
    This basically sums up the relationship with my EII mom. When she can’t reach me with her Fi, she tries to Te me and then I bristle. I react with Fe and Se and then she retreats and sulks. In the end, we both hold back for fear of the other person’s reactions.
    This is eye opening. Another thing I've noticed with my friend is he will bunker down and get real stubborn and immovable with his Ni hunch, like just a pure hunch, no evidence. And if I ever challenged it, I was of the "devil" satan was causing me to "question" what he wholeheartedly believes to be true. But my Te needed evidence, and Ne could see so many other explanations why his hunch is either A. 1 out of a ton of things that also can equally happen or B. just not true! I mean he has wanted me to believe things that are just not true or proven in anyway. And if I bring this up, instead of providing the evidence I need to believe him, I get no evidence but Se pressure to try to make me just believe him because he so strongly believes his hunch is true, and if I don't give into the initial pressure than I get LOUD YELLING and guilt tripped into not engaging with his loud yelling "See, you're doing that silent thing again, tryna shut me out but..." yes, for my own sanity, or Si probably. It's a slow progression, from light jabs at my character for not believing him (of the devil) to (I KNOW THIS IS TRUE BECAUSE ... *not proof*). But it all feels like I'm being asked to have blind faith in him, which is a violation of my own common sense. I can't turn off my Ne and go along with whatever he believes to be true just because he believes it. So whenever he has a hunch now, I let him express fully what he believes, all his thoughts about it, I ask questions to get him to elaborate more on it, and just listen pretty much, then maybe change the topic once he's done to something way way way less deep and way more easy going like WWE , he likes WWE.
    Last edited by Lord Pixel; 09-29-2022 at 02:24 AM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Lord Pixel View Post
    This is eye opening. Another thing I've noticed with my friend is he will bunker down and get real stubborn and immovable with his Ni hunch, like just a pure hunch, no evidence. And if I ever challenged it, I was of the "devil" satan was causing me to "question" what he wholeheartedly believes to be true. But my Te needed evidence, and Ne could see so many other explanations why his hunch is either A. 1 out of a ton of things that also can equally happen or B. just not true! I mean he has wanted me to believe things that are just not true or proven in anyway. And if I bring this up, instead of providing the evidence I need to believe him, I get no evidence but Se pressure to try to make me just believe him because he so strongly believes his hunch is true, and if I don't give into the initial pressure than I get LOUD YELLING and guilt tripped into not engaging with his loud yelling "See, you're doing that silent thing again, tryna shut me out but..." yes, for my own sanity, or Si probably. It's a slow progression, from light jabs at my character for not believing him (of the devil) to (I KNOW THIS IS TRUE BECAUSE ... *not proof*). But it all feels like I'm being asked to have blind faith in him, which is a violation of my own common sense. I can't turn off my Ne and go along with whatever he believes to be true just because he believes it. So whenever he has a hunch now, I let him express fully what he believes, all his thoughts about it, I ask questions to get him to elaborate more on it, and just listen pretty much, then maybe change the topic once he's done to something way way way less deep and way more easy going like WWE , he likes WWE.
    Guilty of everything your friend does. Whoa, you nailed the crux of most of my fights with my mother. She says that I am one of most stubborn people she knows. Lol

    I learned how to bullshit “fake” Te reasons because of my long term friendships with a SLI and ILI even if I am still convinced of my Ni hunches. But your explanation definitely explains a lot of the past conflict…INSANE. I am EIE-Ni while she’s EII-Ne so my Ni can kind of grate her. Lol

    Ugh so true regarding the Se. If I am totally convinced about a Ni hunch and I can tell the other person is doubting me, I can get butthurt and start pressuring/raising my voice intensely without much thought.
    Last edited by EIE H; 09-29-2022 at 03:08 AM.

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