i'm an IEI(4w3) and am partners with an LII(9w1). we get along extremely well as friends, but he is struggling heavily with the romantic and communicative side. i am also chronically ill with mental and physical issues(BPD, PTSD, fibromyalgia etc.), which puts added pressure on him. he has rejected his own ego up until the point i met him, and lives for the care of others, which i've been working extremely hard to help him correct. we make a very good team, but issues are frequent when i need more emotional intensity and communication and he is reluctant. he's made progress(starting to enforce boundaries with others, focusing on his interests, taking private time, engaging more with the physical world, less avoidance and complacency), but it's a huge emotional workload for both of us when i am an extremely passionate and forceful person, and he struggles with issues i secretly consider disgusting(complacency and weakness). i am doing everything i can to support his growth, because my own health and future is dependent on his/ours. if i'm being honest, i have contributed to far more growth for him than him to me. my own growth only seems to come through isolated suffering.
he loves me very deeply, but i think his poor Fe and nonexistent Se really distresses me. i am almost infinitely patient with partners, but i have my own trauma-related issues and it's starting to really wear on me how unbelievably long it takes him to learn. i am not sure how it is with other IEIs, but i learn life lessons very quickly and am highly flexible towards personal change and finding the most effective and efficient means to do it, as well as how much force is required. it physically hurts when i think about how much pressure he is under and how desperately he doesn't want to hurt me, but he doesn't know what to do. i helplessly watch the pressure build and it makes me panic, which he considers a reason not to share even more.
i can see the way out, but i'm getting in my own way because this process is so painful for me, so i can't guide him as well as i want. what would you suggest him or i do? he is very devoted and open to change, but seems unable to learn anything unless i place him in a situation in which he can find the conclusion for himself, which is exhausting. i don't want to come off as if i am rude to him, because i am not whatsoever; i'm just being a bit more honest here with my frustrations.
we have an incredible relationship with such rich potential, and i can see how we will help each other grow, but unlike me, he is terrified of his shadow, so we are at an impasse. the sickest part is, this is a beat-for-beat repeat of a previous relationship i was in with an LII 9w8, but he was completely unable to change or cooperate and it ultimately resulted in severe trauma towards myself. watching this unfold and seeing it all line up with the past is horrifying. fortunately my partner is very willing to change, he just doesn't know how. any ideas?