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Thread: advice for a romantic relationship between IEI and LII?

  1. #1
    no bold villain Domesday Lines's Avatar
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    Default advice for a romantic relationship between IEI and LII?

    i'm an IEI(4w3) and am partners with an LII(9w1). we get along extremely well as friends, but he is struggling heavily with the romantic and communicative side. i am also chronically ill with mental and physical issues(BPD, PTSD, fibromyalgia etc.), which puts added pressure on him. he has rejected his own ego up until the point i met him, and lives for the care of others, which i've been working extremely hard to help him correct. we make a very good team, but issues are frequent when i need more emotional intensity and communication and he is reluctant. he's made progress(starting to enforce boundaries with others, focusing on his interests, taking private time, engaging more with the physical world, less avoidance and complacency), but it's a huge emotional workload for both of us when i am an extremely passionate and forceful person, and he struggles with issues i secretly consider disgusting(complacency and weakness). i am doing everything i can to support his growth, because my own health and future is dependent on his/ours. if i'm being honest, i have contributed to far more growth for him than him to me. my own growth only seems to come through isolated suffering.

    he loves me very deeply, but i think his poor Fe and nonexistent Se really distresses me. i am almost infinitely patient with partners, but i have my own trauma-related issues and it's starting to really wear on me how unbelievably long it takes him to learn. i am not sure how it is with other IEIs, but i learn life lessons very quickly and am highly flexible towards personal change and finding the most effective and efficient means to do it, as well as how much force is required. it physically hurts when i think about how much pressure he is under and how desperately he doesn't want to hurt me, but he doesn't know what to do. i helplessly watch the pressure build and it makes me panic, which he considers a reason not to share even more.

    i can see the way out, but i'm getting in my own way because this process is so painful for me, so i can't guide him as well as i want. what would you suggest him or i do? he is very devoted and open to change, but seems unable to learn anything unless i place him in a situation in which he can find the conclusion for himself, which is exhausting. i don't want to come off as if i am rude to him, because i am not whatsoever; i'm just being a bit more honest here with my frustrations.

    we have an incredible relationship with such rich potential, and i can see how we will help each other grow, but unlike me, he is terrified of his shadow, so we are at an impasse. the sickest part is, this is a beat-for-beat repeat of a previous relationship i was in with an LII 9w8, but he was completely unable to change or cooperate and it ultimately resulted in severe trauma towards myself. watching this unfold and seeing it all line up with the past is horrifying. fortunately my partner is very willing to change, he just doesn't know how. any ideas?

  2. #2
    Adam Strange's Avatar
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    I don't think you are going to be able to fully convert an LII into an SLE, no matter how much you'd like it to happen.

    In my experience, I've found that I can't really change anyone. All I can do is support them and hope that they will be able to make any changes that they want through their own efforts.

    But they have to be the ones who want to change, not me.

    Of course, they sometimes don't change at all, and they sometimes change in a way which I don't like or expect, but if my support helped them at all, even if it did nothing for me, then that was an improvement.

    Also in my experience is that I have observed that Duals tend to give each other exactly the kind of help that a person needs, but the help which is received from every other type tends to be deficient at best, and problematic at worst.

    The problem with Benefactor relationships is that, while the Benefactor really, truly, wants to help the Beneficiary, and the Beneficiary may actually want to be helped, the Beneficiary is completely unable to implement the advice that the Benefactor gives them. Ultimately, this results in frustration and resentment and, in the worst cases, a breaking of relations.
    This might be something you've already seen. Well, it's going to keep happening. It's sort of hard-wired into Benefit.
    Last edited by Adam Strange; 06-24-2022 at 12:15 PM.

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    Shazaam's Avatar
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    I don't think I could look at an LII in that way. I guess there was an older LII who I thought was very handsome before, but he didn't like my Se-valuing and thought I was too brutal many times lol. It's also hard not to secretly feel like ur better than ur beneficiaries as well even though it's not PC or nice to say... and a relationship can really only happen between two equals. Not samesies or put the batteries in the wrong way same-ness but 'equals' more or less.

    Is he really afraid of his own shadow or are u trying to project your shadow onto him? Make sure u don't do that- as I don't think everybody has a shadow like Betas do- but I think Betas have such powerful Shadows in a way can also make us truly the kindest and most moral types naturally because of the way the shadow works, but it doesn't mean he really has the shadow that you do. Most people are 'pussies' and can't handle my Shadow lolol.

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    From reading this it doesn't sound like you really want him.

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    FreelancePoliceman's Avatar
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    How are you trying to guide him?

    The problem may be that he doesn't know what to change into. You always have to work around your 1-dimensional functions. This is especially so for the PoLR, for which you have to compensate with valued functions. Since your own Se is also 1D, you're probably not naturally a very good teacher of how to "use" Se in the first place, and secondly, while its being your suggestive means it's the hammer with which you try to pound a lot of nails, he's probably better off learning how to use his Si and Ne to navigate Se problems, which you aren't inclined to use or see the value of at all.

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    @Domesday Lines
    Deep down, you know what you want. I have been in a very similar place as you, except with an ILE. One thing stopping me was also that I saw incredible potential for both of us to grow with each other, and he had a strong willingness and capability to change.

    I can tell you that that IEIs want what they want, even when they don't realize it. Additionally, if denied, the desire will show up in more and more convoluted ways until it ends up hurting the partner. The longer you lie to yourself about it, the worse the inevitable breakup will be.

    Lastly, advice from a 4 to a 4, be careful not to eventually focus so much on your own pain and dissatisfaction as a justification for things you may say to him to help him "change", for example. Especially with LIIs; for us IEIs, with their 1D Fe & Se, it can often not translate to us how much we are indeed hurting them.

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    aka Lili ♡ ariesangel's Avatar
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    Man Iím just gonna say that if I were u and feeling horrified and shit then itís best to just leave. A healthy, compatible relationship shouldnít stress u out this much. I donít think this guy would be good for your mental health in the long run, esp with how imbalanced everything is looking. He can change as much as u want, but old habits die hardó I donít think heís doing anything thatís necessarily bad either, heís just being himself.

    Imo I think you guys would be better off as friends instead of lovers but itís your journey, and as simple as this next advice might sound, just do what feels best for you. Just know ur happiness and well-being is way too important for you to keep forsaking on the daily.
    ďAnything is possible. It is night on planet earth and I'm alive. And someday I'll be dead.
    Someday I'll just be bones in a box, but right now, I'm not.
    And anything is possible.Ē

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