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    Default Member Questionnaire (gonewiththewind)

    Member Questionnaire 1 (gonewiththewind)
    What is beauty? What is love?
    I have never thought about defining either of these and it does not interest me to do so. These things are just as they are. They happen. They exist. Beauty will come to you. Love will come to you. You will know it when it does, and that's all that matters.
    What are your most important values?
    I do not want to hurt anyone. Knowing I've hurt someone causes me intense pain. I wish I could go throughout life never hurting a soul.
    Do you have any sort of spiritual/religious beliefs, and why do you hold (or don't) those beliefs in the first place?
    I will admit, I believe in God. I curse at God and the world when life is painful in rough. I denounce God in those times, because, when I cannot handle pain, it is easier to believe nothing has meaning; then to accept that everything has meaning. Imagine how much pain one has to go through to realize that even the smallest, most minute detail has significant meaning.
    Opinion on war and militaries? What is power to you?
    I don't care as long as it doesn't affect my immediate life. However, I feel for people involved in war and combat conflicts. I could not even begin to imagine how scary and painful it is. I could not handle it.
    What have you had long conversations about? What are your interests? Why?
    I haven't had a long conversation for a long time I would say. If I run into a person with similar music taste, we can bounce back and fourth for a while; or, if they are really interested in my music and I can tell that they are truthfully interested as well (versus acting interested).

    The most intense and meaningful conversations I have are always about my pain, my experiences, and my raw feelings. I will admit though, I find myself avoiding / redirecting conversation from being in the direct spotlight of being asked "How are you really feeling?" or being in the sightline of sympathy "Wow, that must be really hard for you." Because, well, I will cry. I know I will cry. Because I've learned that is just where I am at. I experience so much emotional pain internally, it is my world currently, and it is the forefront of my focus but it is utterly painful and confusing.

    My interests...

    I play piano and guitar (my biggest hobbies). I have created some AMVs (Anime Music Videos). I like personality psychology. I cycle through the same video-games (mostly Team Fortress 2, which I have played for 5,000 hours), League of Legends, Pokemon Showdown, Clash Royale. I journal and do dream analysis.
    Interested in health/medicine as a conversation topic? Are you focused on your body?
    I'm not sure. I think I would be interested in it. I'm focused on my body but I do not interpret the signals from it very well. Sometimes, I will be thinking so much, I can feel physical pressure start to build in my head from them. And it gets to a breaking point where it feels like my head is going to explode and I am going to lose my mind. It took me about ~4 months of this happening occasionally to figure out that I might be having a headache and to take ibuprofen (this helps a lot ). I sometimes go through very brief periods of hypochondria. Also went through a period of trying to figure out if I was a psychopath / sociopath. If I had empathy or not. It was very scary.
    What do you think of daily chores?
    I NEVER do daily chores consistently, they can be meaningful, like making my bed and cooking, going to gym (sometimes it feels like a choir, other times it's genuinely relaxing) make me feel way better about myself. But, it's a hassle and a half. I recently bought a food processor because part of my reluctance to cook is it takes so much time to chop up stuff. If something like cleaning or cooking starts to take up too much time, I get very fucking annoyed and along the way, I will just say fuck it, I'm done.
    Books or films you liked? Recently read/watched or otherwise. Examples welcome.
    Kimi No Na Wa (Your Name)
    Tenki No Ki (Weathering With You)
    Koe No Katachi (A Shape of Light / A Silent Voice)

    I don't read a lot. If I am honest, reading / learning is very stressful for me. Because, often times, I am trying to learn something so I can relate it back to myself in a more narcissistic manner (trying to sort out my identity / an internal process). I will say, there are days when I learn for the sake of learning / curiosity; and those times, I shine.
    What has made you cry? What has made you smile? Why?
    Movies make me cry. Hearing people's raw emotions (I can tell) makes me want to cry. Friends being sympathetic and good-listeners for those rare moments I let my walls down.

    I like playing group board games with a group of like 8 or 9 people. I once played Town of Salem (card version, not online) and it was super fun. Super psychological and witty. Also, infinite strategy to it. I like games like that, also stuff like Codenames where you have to come up with one word to connect multiple cards (each with a different and unique word, usually very unrelated).
    Where do you feel: at one with the environment/a sense of belonging?
    Ah yes, finally.

    There is a set of wetlands where I live. And I have a routine. For context, it needs to be winter and bone-chilling cold and also, this happens at night (usually after 8pm).

    I put in ear-plugs, I put on sunglasses (yes, at night). I do these things because i) sound can be too stimulating when I am in this specific state and ii) same thing with light, I can become very sensitive and irritated by it. I drive with low volume music, or I play white noise over the car speakers. I drive to the wetlands. It's cold, pitch-black, and silent. I walk out onto the board walk, and there is a bench at the end of it and it overhangs a small pond. I am dressed warmly also. I will lay on the bench, close my eyes. Silence, no light piercing my eyes. And the blistering cold air on my face. I also usually close my eyes. I sit there by myself, and it just brings me back down to earth, myself, and it calms any pressure in my head, and I like to describe it as being zapped.

    I also like cold showers when I am unable to do this, or I do not want to drive. For cold showers, I do it until I get an intense brain freeze and then, a rush of endorphins.
    What have people seen as your weaknesses? What do you dislike about yourself?
    I'm not apparently organized. I don't use a calendar, planner, etc. I don't have daily routines (well, very vaguely and somewhat you could make a case for this). I don't usually take criticism very well. I can get angry (by myself only). My anger is subdued around others and not shown (95% of the time). And if any is shown, it's very distilled and controlled.

    When I am in an extremely stressful period of my life, I will become hedonistic; compulsive spending and eating. But it is also self-loathing and becomes very numb, and it positively reinforces itself.
    What have people seen as your strengths? What do you like about yourself?
    People have described me as insightful, intelligent, funny, personable, friendly. Someone once said "Wow, you're so wise." An internal battle with myself is my own disposition of thinking I am better than others, so I accepted it with caution. It's not really an issue anymore, my own arrogance was mostly me being afraid of connecting with others.
    In what areas of your life would you like help?
    Please, someone, fill out my forms. Clean up my apartment. Listen to my complaints. Tell me how special I am.

    I NEED a therapist to sort my feelings out. I need it multiple times a week, for my entire foreseeable life.
    Ever feel stuck in a rut? If yes, describe the causes and your reaction to it.
    Most of my life, yes. The causes are when I don't express my needs or I try to hold myself back from doing so because, in those times, I would wrongly view it as embarrassing to do so.

    I feel stuck in a rut when I try to rationalize everything, or try to think, there is one huge pattern, concept that can encapsulate all my experiences and what I am going through. I've found that when I am trying to find this "concept" or pattern, it is because I am experiencing intense pain and I am trying to find a framework that I can understand it in, and then rationalize it away. I've found that I just have to suffer through it instead and trust in myself.
    What qualities do you most like and dislike in other people? What types do you get along with?
    People who try to force their opinions onto other people I despise.

    I like people who have multiple sides to them, almost seemingly different personalities. I find great interest in people like this because it always surprises me.

    I get along with people who are calm, with subdued dry humor. Or with people who are insanely energetic with crude humor; these people, I feed off their energy and I love that they bring so much energy to the atmosphere.
    How do you feel about romance/sex? What qualities do you want in a partner?
    Sex has hurt me a lot. I'm currently working through my relationship to it. Hopefully, one day, I will be able to find enjoyment in it again.
    I want a partner who I can love and trust (see first question). I am someone who, to my core, NEEDS to say my truth. I need someone I can be completely honest with, all the time, no matter how petty or uncomfortable my thoughts and feelings are.
    If you were to raise a child, what would be your main concerns, what measures would you take, and why?
    I want to make sure I am in touch with myself enough to where I do not pass down my trauma and I let them have the room to find themselves. I don't know if I will every be strong enough to be able to handle my own problems and to be a stable figure for a child however.
    A friend makes a claim that clashes with your current beliefs. What is your inward and outward reaction?
    Internal: I don't care about your opinion.

    Outward: Hmm, okay, I understand. I very much try to be more understanding of others opinions or beliefs, more so than I used to be.
    Describe your relationship to society. How do you see people as a whole? What do you consider a prevalent social problem? Name one.
    Society is dumb, people are dumb. But the painful and annoying truth is that everyone is just trying to survive, the only way they know how.

    I've learned to find my satisfaction in doing my own thing than catering to societies (mostly) dumb norms. I'm done caring about others, I want to live for myself.

    Social problem: People are tied up in r-worded (not sure if I am allowed to say this word here) politics. Politics is fkn dumb. It's the same shit over and over. I am not above it, sometimes, I get sucked back into the useless shit it is, only to realize that it is just the same shit and it only stresses me out and makes me think I have the best opinions.
    How do you choose your friends and how do you behave around them?
    I choose my friends based on immediate physical dynamics. If I see this person in class, share a hobby, see them regularly. I have trouble keeping long-distance / online relationships with people because I don't know what to talk about. I don't do a whole lot, my days are usually low activity and for me, I like it, but I would be saying the same thing over and over if I were texting or snap-chat-ing a person. When I'm physically with someone, things are happening, different setting, etc.

    I choose my friends by if I am interested in them. Some people I find quite boring, even if they do a lot of active things in the real world. I couldn't tell you what it exactly is what attracts me to certain people, but I can recognize it in myself. Maybe, I would say, I like people that are multi-faceted, as in, they have a lot of different sides to them.
    How do you behave around strangers?
    Depends on my mood (mostly stress). I can be friendly, joking, outgoing, charismatic. Or I can be withdrawn, quiet(er), standoff-ish, detached.
    Last edited by gonewiththewind; 02-18-2022 at 05:51 PM.

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