Member Questionnaire (godslave)

[godslave]

Member Questionnaire 1 (godslave)

What is beauty? What is love?

Beauty is a subjective and pleasurable appreciation of the aesthetic qualities of natural phenomenon or artistic creations.
Love is an emotional energy which can be felt and/or transmitted.

What are your most important values?

Benevolence, respect and a minimum of diplomacy in long and medium psychological distances. All the rest is literature...

Do you have any sort of spiritual/religious beliefs, and why do you hold (or don't) those beliefs in the first place?

I practice Islam with devotion and without conviction.

Opinion on war and militaries? What is power to you?

As long as there will be humans of all temperaments, there will be wars over ressources. It can always be legitimized, explained, idealized or even justified. The truth of the matter is that as horrible as it seems, war, combat, conquests, possession and territorial expansion are aspects of the human condition. To me in the grand scheme of things peace is always an intermediate state between two wars like inter-glacial periods are transitions between ice ages. Power is an essential component to establish and conserve Liberty and/or tyranny .

What have you had long conversations about? What are your interests? Why?

Since I rarely have anyone to talk to, I often talk to myself when i need my imaginary friends to debate about an unresolved issue or question. Note that when I do have someone to talk to the process is essentially the same except that I talk for two...
I am interested in pretty much everything that can be explored through imagination.

Interested in health/medicine as a conversation topic? Are you focused on your body?

Yes I do have interest in medicine like Dr. House... I am not that focused on my body, I am very flexible though and I always make myself confortable in weird "yogi positions", note that I am not an expert on yoga...

What do you think of daily chores?

It's not funny... but necessary to maintain a decent environment so I can do my stuff.

Books or films you liked? Recently read/watched or otherwise. Examples welcome.

-I really like cinema (Ridley Scott, Spielberg, James Cameron, Scorsese, Robert Zemeckis, Milos Forman, FF and Sofia Coppola, Hitchcock, David Lynch, John Carpenter, Clint Eastwood, Guillermo Del Toro, Marcel Carné, Hayao Miyazaki etc...) . I like all kinds of movies in general as long as It gives me emotions. I like Japanese Dramas. I love watching Drama/romantic movies alone because I can (away from prying eyes !) feel all that emotions and cry etc... I don't like to watch a movie for the first time with my family members because I don't want to feel embarrassed in case of Lachrymatory scenes...

Some Recreational reading : Novels of the Romantic Era , Classics, French Literature, Sci-Fi, and so many contemporary authors of all kind...

Last movie watched : Vertigo ( Hitchcock ) / Mother! (Darren Aronofsky) I didn't like it !
Last book read : Mélancolique Rodéo (Jean-Michel Jarre) /


What has made you cry? What has made you smile? Why?

I'm very sensible. Basically I have a very pessimistic idea of the human gender BUT when I see reasons to have faith in it, that makes me cry. Genuine goodness, kindness and compassion makes me cry. Any child in pain makes me cry.
I like jokes and good humour (absurd).

Where do you feel: at one with the environment/a sense of belonging? At concerts and nerd conventions...What have people seen as your weaknesses? What do you dislike about yourself?

People say that I'm lazy and that I don't want to do anything about it. My weakness is my lack of energy, I feel like I missed the train of life and I am condemned to wander in the world of my thoughts like a ghost haunts the place where its life has been taken.

What have people seen as your strengths? What do you like about yourself?

Kindness maybe ? Not totally idiot ? I like to play, compose, improvise and sing music. About myself, maybe the fact that i don't disturb anyone..

In what areas of your life would you like help?

Oh boy ! I am lonely... I need support and somebody with whom I could be happier.

Ever feel stuck in a rut? If yes, describe the causes and your reaction to it.

Yes it's Groundhog Day every day ! I suspect that I might suffer from the following issues : PDD and Avoidant PD

What qualities do you most like and dislike in other people? What types do you get along with?

I like benevolent people with a great amont of sympathy capital. I stay away from rude people who can not behave in a civilized manner. I get along with animes geeks and nerds...

How do you feel about romance/sex? What qualities do you want in a partner?

I feel in need of it... For the past seven years or so, the climax of my human interactions has been my one every six months blood test appointment carried out by (If I'm lucky) a nice and sensual female nurse.
I think humour is a quality that I want in my (very) hypothetic partner and I want her to be audacious and playful. In the end of the day a human being is not an Idea It's an Universe that can not be resumed to some criteria...

If you were to raise a child, what would be your main concerns, what measures would you take, and why?

First of all I'll make sure that he has a mother for the sake of his mental health... I will never let a day passing without make her feel loved, saying it and prove it. I would do my best to preserve his psychological well being. To make her experience fully all stages of his life. I would give him the best education that I can (private schools etc..). I would transmit to her my love of music...

A friend makes a claim that clashes with your current beliefs. What is your inward and outward reaction?

I'll take mental note of it and will not attempt to change his or her mind unless it's something that i really care about in which case i could ghost that person.

Describe your relationship to society. How do you see people as a whole? What do you consider a prevalent social problem? Name one.

I don't have a social life. I live like an avoidant person. I see people as they are, human beings trying to live the best life they can.
A prevalent social problem that is more and more present in our modern societies is a paradox ; the more people are virtually connected to each other, the more lonely they are. Loneliness is another plague of which we should not overlook the consequences.

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How do you choose your friends and how do you behave around them?

I don't have any friends. But I have siblings and they do have friends who happen to be friendly with me and so do I.

How do you behave around strangers?

Politely and nothing more. To me every person has an energy which is almost like a taste, some people are very tasty and some are less tasty but as long they behave in a civilized manner it's ok and as they say : there are all sorts of taste in human nature.

[Tarnished]

IEI or EII?

[godslave]

It seems that my answers to the questionnaire didn't contain enough informations for people to give an opinion about the type that I may ressemble, even though I obviously have my own idea of the matter... So I will pretend that I am totally unbiased and give more informations...


I'll describe some very private aspects of myself that I never talked about but I feel like I need to. It's a little bit dramatic, sometimes almost lyrical and I hope that you will excuse this rather long form of Psychological Nudism and above all that you will not get bored...


Most of what I do, and long before the zombie apocalypse ( I mean that covid thing) had begun, is practicing the art of sublimation in its purest form by isolating myself and engaging in hedonistic and solitary activities such as : Educate myself, Play Improvise and compose music, watching movies series and Anime Series, video gaming ( although i didn't play a game for the past 4 years), sometimes write stuff (short translations of mental imagery) and basically Indulge myself in Escapism. I am a Homebody. I Cyclically choose or serendipitously stumble upon a subject of fascination which will keep my mind busy and interested for a while, it will take the lead over my other interests so to speak.

A little Background :


I kinda lived with my parents till the age of 42 (Yeah I know !). Despite a traumatic childhood (Adverse childhood experiences) that i never talked about even to this day,I was a good student at school but life kept stroking me hard and I wasn't strong enough and even though I was at that time a martial arts aficionado, a Bruce Lee fan and very skillful technically, I couldn't hurt a fly. I have the tendency to walk away from painful situations, and came a point in time from which school became the epicenter of my pain so I skipped school very often. I would instead go read books I couldn't afford at the downtown book centers and my grades had to suffer the consequences.
Have you ever heard the expression "doomed for a kiss" ? No ? Well it's normal I just came up with it but this is exactly what happened to the little naive teenage me of whom the first name is not Jesus.
I just couldn't face the cruelty that some kids can be capable of, sometimes it's too much. At home it was not better. I had no one in whom I could put my trust in order to be able to talk about the deep issues at the heart of my torments. Despite my issues, I managed to get my life back on tracks...
...I left school just after life's coup de grâce, namely a major Asthma Attack, a NDE and a coma which happened just before I could graduate from high school. After my recovery I just gave up because I had an epiphany ; I found the "question" to everything which is : " What's the point of it all ?". Then I caught another kind of Depression as a side-effect and basically spread my wings and became a proper Hikikomori French Style.


At age 20 I found my salvation, the instrument through which the sublimation will occur, and so I began my journey to learn and master the electric Guitar with an extreme devotion and discipline. Note that music has always been very important to me, suffice to say that I can't live without it. Also, I have always been geeky about sound engineering, Synths and all that computer music stuff.


Let's talk about business.


As a teen, I used to work for free at my father's shops or at my father's friend's shops in which case they would pay my father instead of me... He would give me a very small amount and keep the rest. My father didn't properly teach me the values of work to say the least. After being exploited over and over as a young adult (some unbelievable situations it's not even funny !), I decided to never ever work in a shop again. Later I sporadically worked in temporary as a dock agent (night worker). Since 2017 I'm in a "sickness contract" and I basically live only of "The active Solidarity Income" (RSA in French).


Bad Romance...


At age 22, While I was vacationing in Tunisia I met my "Ellen Olenska" and for several years, I spent my time between two countries living several months in each one. After my secret story with Madame Olenska has hit the dead end wall it was destined to, I was in a bad place and for a long time I found myself locked in a time loop in which all that I was seeing was the slow funeral procession taking away the remains of a great love as I losing myself wandering in the haunted places of my memories where each moment with her has been stored like a treasure and which nature has condemned to oblivion, drawn somewhere between the blurred lines of reality and reverie.

we all mourn our romantic relationships differently. She is now a happy married woman and mother of three teenagers. What I found to be the most painful in a way is that we still see each other from time to time when I go there (it has been a while now) because she is a close friend of my family circle and each time that I had the opportunity to talk with her about the days we were lovers she always behaves as if our years of secret passion had never existed. I feel like she wants to take away the reality of those memories. The past is the only place where I can still think of her as the one with whom I share the happiest moments of my life. I found her attitude particularly cruel. Alas, I never get the chance to tell her but maybe one day or night, the stars and the planets will perfectly aligned for this to happen. The question is, would I still want to talk about it by then ? After 20 years I still think about it. [BTW, i didn't have sex since 2014 and I never been in a healthy romantic relationship. If you ask those who know me, they will tell you that I've never dated a woman and that I am probably still a virgin.]

Life goes on and it drags me with it here and there. I learned stuff. One day, I turned 40.


When I still was living with my parents, I used to literally spend all my time (I'm a night-owl) in the storage room ( my little home studio) you see those guys living in there parent's basement ? Well I guess we share the same sens of Feng Shui.


Now I turned 45, I live alone like a real hermit in a Two-rooms flat on the penultimate floor of a tower where a breathtaking Sea view barely compensates the Dantean vision looking down the incessant ballet of the carrying bags inherent to Disadvantaged French Districts ; scenes of misery witnessing the damnation of its offspring between fire, drug and watchmen shouts. I don't have real social interactions here not even with my neighbors with whom I only exchange hallway courtesies. I am sure, in a paranoid way, that they take me for a strange guy which makes me more anxious because most people don't like strange guys.


"And sometimes I wake up and I don't know where I am. I don't talk to anybody. Sometimes a day - a week" - John Rambo


I go on expedition for ressources (i.e. I go to the very nearby supermarket) when it is necessary and once back home, I wash my hands a lot, It's a good habit which happened to be in vogue this days.
Since I left school an eternity ago, I don't have friends anymore besides a lot of family relatives. I do have nonetheless a Phone which almost never rings. I purchased my first Smartphone in July 2021 because my good old Star Trek Communicator like Dumbphone died and Society is rendering the NeoPhone indispensable.

When I am in the outside world, I am nice and polite with people, even friendly in some circumstances (e.g. work place) with those I see as warm and whom display a benevolent energy. I wish I had deeper friendship with people sharing the same affinities, but I paradoxically find it difficult to initiate contact even when I go to conventions or concerts which is very rare. This is probably one of the expression of my fear of commitment and its implications which is in itself an evidence of social immaturity, an insecure attachement style and a lack of self-esteem. However, I love to check hands with Artists that I really like and even sometimes dare to ask them for an autograph and/or a photo souvenir, I guess I find it easier when I am in the position of being just another fan.


As I said before, I feel a bit like someone with APD at this point, without meeting all the criteria of the diagnosis. It's probably just depression. The fear of being judged and rejected is definitely there, acquired by experience. I guess when one spends too much time coping with loneliness and isolation, solitude becomes an ally and I developed a strange rapport with it, I love it like a hunchback can love his bump. To me, loneliness is like a Stockholm syndrome from within and I always find myself bending to the will of this inner parasite. The beast is a Possessive and hideous partner, the cast of its dark shadow grows bigger as the candle of life is burning.
At very rare times, I have a sudden and vivid awareness of liveness and the reality of my own mortality, as if the bubble I trapped myself in had its water broke and delivered my body to its first deep breath, shame then, does its dirty work, it lapidates my soul with stones of guilt.


After all those years almost exclusively invested with no apparent return in personal interests, I can understand why my life seems wasted for I am aware of my unconventional situation, one is supposed to climb up the social ladder but I would rather take the elevator going down to the last basement, down to the happy place where I stagnate, the swamp of lamentations.

I am an autodidact, one can argue that we all are to a certain degree, but, as I suggested before, I don't have any Academic Degree or Diploma and for a time that, has bothered me or even should I say muzzled me for no reason other than the Shame old story. Suffering the humiliation is a feeling that I know very well. Being looked down on is hurtful and even if I almost never show signs that could betray this inner feelings, I neither forget nor forgive people who behave like this, be it with me or anyone else (let's be honest especially with me !). On the other hand, if I inadvertently offend someone who does not deserve it, I feel bad as if guilty of a deadly sin, ashamed and basically like a coprophagous in the middle of an excrements field, which can certainly sounds like paradise from the POV of the said insect but keep in mind that I'm not an insect.


I also want to mention some rather scary strange behavior of mine ; when I feel angry about some injustice e.g. someone being abused, bullied etc, I feel triggered and I fantasize about being some kind of an avenger who unleashes all his rage at the evil, and then I feel both soothed cause some of the anger has been evacuated and guilty to have imagined those kind of scenes. Almost disappointed of having at the backseat of my mind Dexter Morgan instead of Mr. Rogers...
As I said before I am a very peaceful person, I can't stand violence, but I can "think" about it.
Another strange thing is that I am much more moved by fictional characters interactions (Movies, series, books, animes, dramas) than by those of the real life. Basically i can be emotionally aloof IRL as if reality was not real (or too real ?) so to speak. That's weird and I have a theoretical explanation about it but I'll keep it to myself for now.


When it comes to my romantic life at the moment, I would say that the days of dreaming or living great Passions are long over and remains the memory, sentiments which resonate through Drama Movies and other artistic depictions of the Tragic. There, lies the reminiscence of the ephemeral, once felt in the mirage of life and of which the substance seems forever diluted somewhere between the shores of the Mediterranean Sea.


Thank you for having read all this you're awesome ! I'll probably delete it soon, now it's time for me to get back to Hakuna Matata.


P.S here is a list of my interests :


Music : I play Guitars, Keyboards, Synths /Composition/Instrumental, Fusion, Smooth Jazz etc..
Great Composers
Soundtracks ( Movies, Video Games, Series etc.)
Obviously : "Humanology", Psychology ,Psychogenesis, DSM, Typology systems, Human behavior
Cinema
Anime, Tokusatsu, Japanese culture, Jdrama, Jpop.
Video Games (not so much now but I'll get back to it)
The Human condition
The Animal condition : I am sure now that most mammals are self-aware since I saw an Elephant performing better paintings than Pollock.
Childhood
Horrible Historical Human Beings ( The Bringers of Darkness and destruction)
Great Historical Human Beings ( The Bringers of light and Progress )
Average Human being : I like those Tv Talk shows where people talk about their life experiences, issues, etc... True Stories of True People, Ordinary People living Extraordinary situations...
History
Biographical Documentaries and Biopics
Computers/ Netfix ( this is not a spelling error)
Books : Thrillers, Romances of the 18th and 19th centuries , Classics, French Literature, and some "Books to read before I die but check if it has been adapted in movie first."
Tv Shows (with moderation because nowadays NeoTV can be very chronophagic)
Star [Wars-Trek-Gate ]
Time (Einstein, Hawking, Marcel Proust)
X-Files and Twilight Zone Themes.
Sci-Fi
Voluptuous symmetry
Arabic world Culture ( Music, Cinema, Poetry, Theater, History)
Survival TV Shows ( Bear Grills, Naked and Afraid)
Bruce Lee (Hardcore Fan as a kid !) Kung-Fu Films and Martial arts ( as a fan until 1996)
Archives
I collect when it is possible "complete works" of artists (music/movies) and authors that I like , the exploration of their world contributes to the creation and development of mine.
80's Pop culture
The Absurd
and of course Dimples of Venus !!


I'm curious about ( I more or less studied some of this stuff) :


Theology
Medicine
Ethology
Ages and Eras
Chronology
Anthropology
Philosophy
Epistemology
Paleontology
Linguistics
Astronomy
Ancient Civilizations
Myths and Legends
Universal Truths and Immutable Laws of Nature
The Great Inventions of Mankind
New Technologies (in certain fields of applications)
The Occult
Forensic Science


Again Thank you for your Time.

[VewyScawwyNawcissist]

EII makes more sense to me rn.

[Metaphor]

Positivist, Dynamic, Result, Asking, Aristocratic, and Emotivist so IEI.