I’ve been typed a lot of things throughout my life but in the end I concluded that I value Te and Fi but I’m not so sure about the order or quadra (I’m open to anything). I was hoping I could find some help in here since I want to make my life more efficient.
So in general there isn’t much happening in my life since I study all the time and some teachers are putting a lot of pressure on me (I’m in university, scientific field). I don’t struggle with topics in which you have to use logic and investigate but the ones which require a lot of memorizing and nothing else are pretty much annoying. I have an administrative position (chief of a group of students) and lately another group has expressed the intention of having me as their chief next year.
How I describe myself : I am a very ambitious person to the point that it started affecting the quality of my life and everything just became an ambition and I stopped having fun. I am a perfectionistic person and I had projects in which I put so much effort that at the end of the day I could’ve done less and still get the highest grade. I am also very organized.
Inside I am sensitive but not easily hurt. I don’t like to take care of people but I am very reliable and responsible. I sometimes take on too much responsibility (I enjoy being responsible ngl) but I don't think it is in my favor. I try to view things as realistic as I can and I sometimes hurt people but in my opinion I think it would be best to not sugarcoat things and just say how they are.
I am detached in general from what is happening and I live in my head a lot, making strategies about how to improve my life in general and how to be even more productive so I could achieve whatever I want to.
I have a network of people that offer me information about what I need. I have people who send me exam subjects that have been given the year before and information about how some teachers examine.
I am okay with conflict in the academic world but not that ok with conflict in my interpersonal relationships because deep down inside myself I am not always sure about my close connections. I have always been insecure about my close relationships (I had some bad experiences) but I do have friendships that lasted the test of time in which I am comfortable enough. If someone changes their attitude towards me then I am not sure how to interpret it and I also get scared about asking because I offend so many people without knowing and I am just tired of it. A lot of people stopped talking to me overnight and honestly I have no idea what I have done.
Love wise I am pretty much confused. I still don't understand things and honestly I treat it like I treat my academic life. Recently I thought that maybe, just maybe, it's not the right approach but it's the only one I know. This worked only with LSE... for a while. ESIs usually got a lil bit spooked and told me that I am a very smart person and they are not good enough for me (honestly I considered them to be more than good enough for me but everyone has their own issues to deal with). I just want a safe environment so I could open up and be loved for who I am and ofc I am open to improving some traits I might not like about myself.
I am not the best with forms of politeness but I do keep like a list inside my head about the things I have to say in certain situations or the proper way of greeting. One time I saw my neighbor go fishing and I thought that I should say goodbye to him even though I haven't seen him during the day. That's when my friend started laughing badly and told me that she hasn't been laughing like this in 2 years... I'm also pretty much ironic most of the time,
My appearance is a total contradiction. I have a monotonous voice. You can either see me wearing a tracksuit or jeans with some t-shirt that looks like the last clean t-shirt in my wardrobe or like someone who just came out of a business meeting. I usually look like I haven't been sleeping for a decade and just put something on myself so I wouldn't walk naked or catch a cold. I honestly don't even understand how men are attracted to me with the myriad of women who invest a lot in their looks and are much more entertaining than I am. Even when I am short distance I am still long distance because of all the responsibilities that I have.
How others view me : Well, it took me a lot to actually get the opinions of others but I have heard the same thing from friends that are unrelated to each other. So the description was pretty much different than what I thought I would look like in the eyes of other people. They would describe me as a person they are scared of and pretty much intimidating. They said I am cold and distant, that I don't like anyone and I care only about the people I like (to the point that they claimed if someone I did not know got hit by a bus right next to me, I wouldn't even look that way and just continue what I have to do). In their eyes I seem to be unreachable and one of the sentences I heard the most was " I don't know how it would've been if I wasn't your friend but I am scared to think about that".
Now, my gamma SF flat mate and my LSE best friend would describe me as one of the kindest human beings they have ever met and they most likely find how I do things to be admirable and no problem at all. My flat mate says that she doesn't think that there is a person on this planet that is able to live with her in the same apartment because she is super mean but even her said once "Look, people like me get angry but it passes really quick... people like you on the other hand are calm most of the time and when they raise the tone I simply freeze." . She says that it's enough for her to ask for my opinion and I'll just sit with the cigarette in the corner of my mouth and say "Don't do that because that will happen, do otherwise instead" and it's just okay. I also have an EII friend who makes sense of my feelings and I like him very much. My close friends are mainly ESIs, EIIs and LSEs. I also get along instantly with LSIs although we usually part ways at some point due do different paths.
I have to thank everyone who takes their time to read this. I appreciate any effort and any opinion and I look forward to it.