i got pushed a lot by my IEE sister growing up. i needed to focus and watch tv, bc i was missing shows. i needed to watch it bc i was bored, which now i know is cognitive decline. i needed to stimulate myself externally, bc there was nothing in my mind. they were source of ideas, associations. reading was difficult and made me nauseous. standing hurt (so did sitting) but when u are trying to move especially, like outside, and theres nowhere i can lay per my germaphobe mother, it was a constant discomfort/irritation that just kept growing the more i was outside. i thought i was just getting tired, bc i was dissociating from it, there was nothing i could entertain myself outside with at that point too that didnt involve risking hurting myself in various ways or mischief with others property. maybe i also had psychosomatic manifestations of hunger, as irritation.
hard focusing on the TV and staying in one place over time was allowing my mind to process things more, and thats all i had.
she was bored too, but she wasnt as much entertained by tv. she would start poking me knocking me out of focus.
now that i think about it the boredom/flatness can have also been from parents arguing, being overworked and overwhelmed, me just absorbing everything. idk how relevant this is but all INxx people i know seem to have those problems in family.
my sister's way of entertaining herself was too repetitive for me. whatever she'd want to do at some points was what had already been done. exhausting and mindnumbing.
i broke her toy once that i remember well right now this was in anger for revenge. there was a lot of hesitation and thinking about whether i should be doing that, was it my conscience telling me its not fair if i dont do it. i have hit her in the head, where the fights would go too long, im hysterical, it hurts to move, my mind is going blank from exhaustion, and i have to push myself to hurt her, because she's comfortable with doing this, she never quits fighting unless i go too far. her mentality was that she'd hurt me like she's fine with being hurt herself. so id have to return it worse. this is also her not comprehending relativity, meaning hurting someone one way is not the same for someone else bc they are in different states that would translate the hurt to being differently experienced as well, which most people also comprehend too literally, like u would hit a child with the same force u'd use on adult, but if we're both children its somehow the same.
what irritated me a lot was that she was comfortable with doing this to me out of her boredom in the first place.
we'd fight for the remote too ofc, idk who it stayed with most of the time, but i do remember a lot of times i would leave it to her bc trying to take it would cost me more than taking it would give.
SEE kid who kept taking my pen, pulling my notebook as im writing, distracting me from paying attention for grades father forced me to have (which he denies), so the pressure from teachers, undersleeping, boredom, sister at home, mother nagging about me staying at home to play games i took on that SEE kid in frustration, i prolly hurt myself more than i did trying to hit him, it wasnt difficult for people to restrain me, im so weak. thats one of the most embarassing moments in my life. im glad i was weak then though, as well as when fighting my sister, tho maybe if i wasnt it wouldnt have gotten to that point but something else would have been worse.
i have a lot of resentment about ppl in general controlling expression, esp since its like the most worthless thing to control about someone. this fact proves its malicious, its a way to control and make me obedient.
id also say sensors flip to anger more often and are more destructive with it. its like they are angry constantly, theres this tension in their presence. they are also more likely to raise their voice in general regardless if angry or not. SxI seem to hold it in mostly than others, but they throw those disgusted glances at people and anything, that really upsets me. its like somethings always wrong and they're pissed off. ive had experiences with angry INxx, and i know what u mean, but their anger is not so grounded? it feels more like they could fly in any direciton. theres much more a delay between their mental state and physical action. in my experience ppl take that delay as a signal they can still push them around.




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