ILIs and Attachment Style
A thread to discuss the Attachment Styles of ILIs, to tell stories of examples from the trenches, and to basically put another volume in the Library of Socionics
I'll go first.
I have an ILI shrink. He's brilliant but troubled, since his mother had to place him in an orphanage when she couldn't care for him when he was young. She was forced to leave him there for many years, and only was able to get him back when her financial situation improved. He is 50% Lakota Native American, and the reservation was not a great place to live then.
He's been married a few times and divorced an equal number of times. He's had lots of women interested in him. He travels a lot, mainly to retreats like Burning Man or other off-beat gatherings, or professional meetings, and like most ILIs, he takes pictures. Lots and lots of pictures. Strangely enough, he's only heard of Attachment theory since he and I have been talking about it, during the last year or so.
I was telling him that my last ESI GF had a Fearful-Avoidant attachment style which made her both needy and standoffish, and he said something very interesting. He said that he might be Fearful-Avoidant himself, because in his own life, he's only interested in a woman until he gets her, and then he loses interest. He only recently realized this about himself.
He attributed his behavior to the experiences he had as a child, because he was always pining in the orphanage for his mother, and she'd visit him as often as she could, but she could never tell him beforehand when she would visit and could never promise to get him out of the orphanage at some point because her finances were so terrible, but he knew, with absolute certainty, that she loved him like a rock.
So he got used to being alone, with sporadic visits from his loving mother, but no promises were ever made, and she always left after a few hours visit.
He said that he can anticipate being in a relationship, but it's the anticipation that he loves, and once he gets the girl, he loses interest in her.
I've been thinking about this, particularly in terms of the ILI-SEE Duality relationship in the descriptions I've read on this forum. My impression is that, in contrast to the ESI-LIE Duality in which everything happens fast and the two partners join up right away (in Stratiyevskaya's description, these Duals already acutely feel the troubles of the world and don't try to add to them in their relationship), the ILI-SEE Duality seems to be characterized by initial attraction, then breakups, then get together again, then break up, and on and on like this until the couple finally decides either to go their separate ways, or to stick around each other.
This looks a lot like Fearful-Avoidance to me.
I find it interesting that both my personal experience and the things I've read on this forum indicate that SEEs have a very short but intense attention span, and they don't see the future or Te facts very well. In other words, they need an ILI to get through the day in one piece.
I knew a female SEE and she was always really glad to see me and would greet me with intense Fi friendliness, but after a minute or so, she'd greet the guy behind me with the same enthusiasm and would forget about me.
This kind of behavior would be perfect for an ILI who was Fearful-Avoidant and needs love, but doesn't want a lot of continuous attention.
I also talked with the SEE @HotSauce, and she said that she had dated LIEs and she liked them, but they got jealous of her when they'd go out and she'd flirt with every man in the place, and her betrothed ILI didn't do that. I thought to myself, "Yeah, girl, that would piss me off, too." But I could see how an ILI would be OK with that. He'd know beforehand that she would flirt and talk to everyone just for her personal entertainment as a super-extrovert, and he'd also know that at the end of the evening, she'd be going home with him.
My personal opinion is that the mental aberrations, that each type is prone to having, are closely aligned with their sociotype and what it takes to get along with their Duals.
Having said that, I think it's only a slight trend and isn't Destiny, because every Sociotype can be Secure, Anxious, or Avoidant with enough training. It's how we respond to that training that sets a bias in the outcomes.
If I have a SEE girlfriend and see her flirting with other man, I'm gonna troll her and the poor guy lol.
But yeah, I need alot of personal space, and what I like about SEE is they can leave me alone and have their own fun, but they will always come back and share their fun with me.
My most horrible experience is sharing room with a ESE, and holy shit, that guy doesn't repect any personal boundaries and spend hours talking shit about morality, society, criticizing other people and then get angry when seeing me don't give a shit about what he talk (I lost all of my energy and can't pretend that I'm listen anymore).
So, no, I don't need a caregiver... ever
Last edited by Tarnished; 01-08-2022 at 06:39 AM.
My close ILI bud isn't really the jealous type. He kinda lets things slide and will give almost everyone the benefit of the doubt while being simultaneously very suspicious. He probably has an anxious avoidant style.