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Thread: Conflicting relationship with my father

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    HOOOOOOOOOT Ahmed LadAhmed's Avatar
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    Default Conflicting relationship with my father

    I didn't want to post something about this topic , but this is getting out of hand and I need serious help

    I'm not sure about my father's type but he's certainly without doubt an Fe base (ExE) , he's all about having "fun" and laughing and expressing emotions loudly (of course this is restricted because he's a male) but he's still doing it

    and I HATE when he tell me that I should laugh and make jokes and have fun , and that happens repeatedly in situations when there is a party or something and I don't know anyone in there and my father is like "Go have fun with them" like man I don't even know these guys and it freaks me out

    example : there were once people playing football in some place , and my dad told me that I should go play with them and I told him "But I don't know these people and I'm not a fan of football" and he got mad at me for this and told me that I will never have friends if I stay like this , like dude I already have good friends that I trust and I don't give a fuck

    I literally can't stand this so I just awkwardly stay quiet and sometimes freeze , and I don't wanna offend him or anything because he's a good guy and his intentions are good , but still I can't stand this forever

    I'm 19 and living in my parents house because , well this is not america

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    Local Legend Toro's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AshPhoenix View Post
    and I HATE when he tell me that I should laugh and make jokes and have fun , and that happens repeatedly in situations when there is a party or something and I don't know anyone in there and my father is like "Go have fun with them" like man I don't even know these guys and it freaks me out
    Do you tell your dad that it makes you uncomfortable?

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    NPC | Demon Poptart's Avatar
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    I would tell him just what you told us. Something like “Hey Dad, can I talk to you about something? I think you’re a good guy and have good intentions when you encourage me to be more outgoing and social. It’s just that sometimes I feel uncomfortable when you do this because xyz, and so I’m going to ask you to stop making those comments. I will make friends with people when I want to.”

    I would approach him at home at a time when both of you are calm. After that, if he does it again, just calmly remind him that you guys talked about this.

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    HOOOOOOOOOT Ahmed LadAhmed's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Toro View Post
    Do you tell your dad that it makes you uncomfortable?
    I kinda don't , he wouldn't listen anyway so I just change the subject with him or pretend that I have serious things to do

    also he's really frustrated because when he hears people commenting on me of being "mute" or "doesn't involve" which is stupid , I mean it's MY social life anyway

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    Quote Originally Posted by Poptart View Post
    I would tell him just what you told us. Something like “Hey Dad, can I talk to you about something? I think you’re a good guy and have good intentions when you encourage me to be more outgoing and social. It’s just that sometimes I feel uncomfortable when you do this because xyz, and so I’m going to ask you to stop making those comments. I will make friends with people when I want to.”

    I would approach him at home at a time when both of you are calm. After that, if he does it again, just calmly remind him that you guys talked about this.
    Yeah, I think this is the best way to go about it and I would say the exact same thing.

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    I think it usually goes like "I have nothing against you but you suck". Usually only it takes is one heated confrontation.
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    @AshPhoenix, your dad is just like every other dad in the world who hasn't given any thought whatsoever to the fact that you are not him.

    He is encouraging you to be outgoing and mix with people because THAT WORKED FOR HIM, SO OF COURSE IT WILL WORK FOR YOU. He probably tried a lot of ways to be an adult when he was a teen, and the one that he is forcing on you is the ONE WAY that worked for him.

    Just tell him what @Poptart told you. You might have to repeat yourself, because it wasn't so long ago that he was changing your diapers and it's hard for a dad to understand that time passes. Particularly a non-intuitive dad.

    If things get too bad, you might have to move out. Check your options.

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    @AshPhoenix It’s possible that he outright refuses to stop with the comments. I think you should talk to him about it it anyway since at least you will know that you did the right thing by respectfully asking him to stop. The most you can do is control your own actions since unfortunately we can’t control other people. If he refuses and makes no effort to stop, then you can weigh if it’s worth distancing yourself from him when applicable.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Adam Strange View Post
    @AshPhoenix, your dad is just like every other dad in the world who hasn't given any thought whatsoever to the fact that you are not him.

    He is encouraging you to be outgoing and mix with people because THAT WORKED FOR HIM, SO OF COURSE IT WILL WORK FOR YOU. He probably tried a lot of ways to be an adult when he was a teen, and the one that he is forcing on you is the ONE WAY that worked for him.

    Just tell him what @Poptart told you. You might have to repeat yourself, because it wasn't so long ago that he was changing your diapers and it's hard for a dad to understand that time passes. Particularly a non-intuitive dad.

    If things get too bad, you might have to move out. Check your options.
    Yeah probably that's for the best

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    It sucks having an unsupportive parent who shits on you for being who you are and cares about what other people think or say more than how YOU feel about things deep down... You can't really develop a bond with such an individual, now can you? It's an unfortunate parent/child dynamic, but it's not that uncommon, either.

    I'm not sure what the right thing to do is here, but I would say don't avoid confrontation (you can't just keep changing the subject and deflecting forever), just find a way to have a respectful conversation and voice your feelings in a clear and explicit manner. If you can't find common language around these things and he keeps pestering you, I guess the best thing is to start planning to move out and live on your own, even if this just means going to school in a different town/state/country on a temporary basis, or anything else along those lines. If you're financially dependent, work towards changing that. When you have your own life and are able to pay your own bills, no one can tell you what to do or how to behave.

    Start somewhere, and have patience. Focus on what YOU can do to change things for the better. Don't forget that your happiness is (primarily) your own responsibility.
    Last edited by Park; 10-08-2021 at 03:43 AM.
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