Brian Laundrie and Gabby Petito

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

To @aixelsyd with love:


British announcer guy: Gabby Petito is about to go on a road trip with her fiance Brain and end up missing. This fate could have been avoided if she only had a Sassy Gay Friend.

BAND enters the scene wearing an orange chiffon shirt and pink scarf wrapped around his neck and black leather sex pants. He sees GABBY near a van with a bunch of objects laid out on a red-checkered blanket. She’s wearing a beautiful pink dress. Gabby is kneeling down sorting through the items and seems happily connected to reality, but also blissfully unaware of any possible negative outcomes.

Bandd sees Gabby. He has enough Ni to know that something is amiss here.

Bandd: “What-what are you doing?”

Gabby (smiling warmly): “Oh hi! I’m going on a road trip with my boyfriend, Brain. I know he’s little mean but I know I can change him, all he needs is a little love!”

Bandd: “You’re only 22 years old, my momma has socks older than you! Why do you think this is such a good idea. What do you even know about this guy?”

Gabby: “I know how good it feels when we make love!”

Bandd: “Oh honey please, it also feels good when I watch extreme dungeon daddy porn videos. It doesn’t mean I’d ever go on a real world road trip ALONE by myself with those people. Well I almost did once with Adam Killian. The guy is… god, pretty woof you know…”

Gabby: “I’m an adult, I can make my own decisions!”

Bandd: “Well yeah, you’re just about to make a stupid one…”

Gabby: “HE REALLY LOVES ME! I know he can be an asshole and he has a temper but he does it out of love. You’re just sassy and gay- you wouldn’t understand.”

Bandd then has had enough. Feeling the power of the Lesbian Cops within him, he kneels down and actually SLAPS Gabby.

Bandd: “Now listen! I know that hurt a little bit but that’s NOTHING compared to what Brian Moser- I mean Laundrie is going to do to you! And you think I haven’t gone through the same predicament, girl! I’m sassy and gay but I’m also HUMAN. Lauryn Hill is a legend for a reason- but you- you’re just being a Stupid BITCH!!!”

Gabby suddenly feels sobered. She looks around at the stupid trinkets she bought at Home Goods and her light lavender diary with a sparkly butterfly sticker and grabs the blanket and angrily starts throwing all the objects around. They don’t look so neat or happy or in such a neat ribbon but- everything is starting to feel better, even if it feels worse.

Gabby: “Y-you’re right… I’m ignoring all the red flags just because I want to be in love. I’ve known him for a long time but do I really know him well enough for this?” She solemnly looks down at her camcorder.

Gabby wiped some tears off her cheek. “I was going to record us exploring the world together- but it’s all just a bunch of lies.”

Bandd then gave Gabby a hug. “I know it’s hard but I’m proud of you.”


A short moment passed. Bandd and Gabby just enjoyed their time together.


Gabby: “… I know it may sound stupid, but can I take a picture of you doing a handstand on the beach? I just think it looks kinda cool…”

Bandd continues to hug Gabby. Looking out at the audience he breaks the 4th wall and says ‘She’s a stupid bitch.’ He then whispers in her ear lovingly and firmly. “No. You absolutely cannot do that.”

~Fin~