In the summer I wrote here that I was dating a LII. I want to just briefly tell you what happened then.
In July we went on dates, and then later August-September we spent time at home together. At some point I felt that we needed to talk. I tried telling her that I'd like to get to know her better and spend more time together. It didn't really work out that well. She was distant and asked me questions that felt to me like a job interview. After we talked we still continued and had intimate moments together.
I had a hard time understanding what was wrong. I went over things in my mind. The constant distance between us. Couple weeks later I told her again that maybe we should talk. When we sat down I told her that there is something under the surface, something that we need to talk about. She then told me that even though she likes me alot she doesn't have enough feelings for me.
So, THAT was the problem. A child could have guessed it, but apparently not I. I told her that it's now on her to decide what she wants. Continue or not. Then she broke up with me. She was very sorry and cried. This happened on Friday the 13:th.
I was sad then but the real sadness developed under the following weeks. It's now over a month since we broke up and I haven't even tried getting back into dating. Still sad and tired.
I wrote her a farewell letter just afterwards. Old fashion letter by mail. It felt like the right thing to do, although I don't know how she took it. Maybe she had already moved forward. She sent me a text and thanked me anyway.
The big shock for me was that I somehow had ignored the negative signs I got from her. I saw them, or rather simply sensed them, but without addressing them. I was living in a bubble without realizing it.
Some interesting synchronicities happened during our time together:
- The first time we went to bed together I had just an hour before received the book "Modern Man in Search of a Soul" by Jung. I guess that was the real soul seeking I needed, sex.
- We broke up on Friday the 13:th.
- One month after the breakup I went to a museum and I was thinking if I would run into her here. No reason to expect that, but she was simply on my mind and she goes to museums sometimes. But yes, she WAS at the museum, with some new guy. I was shocked but went closer and we said hi, nothing more. She seemed different. She talked with the guy about the paintings in a loud voice, very spiritual. I live in the city, it can go 10 years before you run into some ex girlfriend so this was out of the ordinary.
Although I am depressed now, things are not that bad. I had a really long break from dating and relationships before I met her. This dating adventure was a new experience to me and a catalyst for change. When I'll continue dating I will be more confident than before.
Last edited by Tallmo; 10-26-2024 at 04:29 PM.
The decisive thing is not the reality of the object, but the reality of the subjective factor, i.e. the primordial images, which in their totality represent a psychic mirror-world. It is a mirror, however, with the peculiar capacity of representing the present contents of consciousness not in their known and customary form but in a certain sense sub specie aeternitatis, somewhat as a million-year old consciousness might see them.
(Jung on Si)
At the risk of sounding redundant, back when I had a life, I would never contemplate "engaging" a lady before I'm sure about my feeling towards her. The concept of "working" a relationship is completely foreign to me, I don't understand it. "I'm in love with you, I'm happier when you're around, I want you to know it " simple ! I guess I'm too immature for the normal stuff, to me it's Passion or nothing...
It’s probably not a good idea to ask LIIs how we feel in a relationship because, to be honest, we’re never really sure and we feel kind of guilty about it. I’ve had a few relationships end because of that talk. My last relationship was almost entirely because of my partner's initiative. He was really into me, so he didn’t want to see anyone else. And I liked him enough to want to spend time with him (it was fun for me; he provided me with that Fe I needed). So after a few dates, I felt too guilty to go out with anyone else while I was continuing to see him. But, mentally, I still wasn’t completely sold on him. I probably didn’t realise that I actually really cared about him until about six months into it. My feelings just snuck up on me without realising it. But if he had tried to have a talk about ‘us’ before that point, we probably would’ve broken up because I don’t think I would’ve been able to say that I was sure how I felt, and I would’ve then felt guilty that I was somehow leading him on, if I felt like he was signalling that was what he needed to hear. Uncertainty is an LII's main trait. We crave someone who shows us they are certain through their actions but doesn't actually talk about the state of things between us.
I get what you're saying, but in reality if we didn't talk then things start to build up under the surface that I would fear for my mental health. It was really weird when she was suddenly cold but I just pretended as nothing had happened. I should have just talked to her right away like a human being to another. It's not that big a deal. You can't have a constant elephant in the room situation, without saying anything. It creates a split and you have too persons in their separate bubbles.
First time I suggested we talk she immediately said that she had been thinking the same. Of course she had felt the tension building up. My mistake was that I was too focused on what I wanted when I should have been more concerned about her feelings. I tried to be too rational and move things forward when all I needed to do was to relate to her and address her situation. Maybe, just maybe I could have saved our relationship that way.
I even had a dream that told me straight up that I was doing something wrong. A woman was in a sauna and she became unconsious because of lack of oxygen. I tried opening a window but it didn't help. I tried dragging the woman out of the sauna, and I woke up.
It's also possible that we really didn't fit together that well. We didn't have enough to talk about and that way we drifted apart. The activation chemistry carried us to this point but not further. It's also possible that she was looking for a more high status man, finacially, socially. Just a hunch I got. And she said she is a perfectionist. She is enneagram one, I think
I never asked about her feelings. She was the one who finally brought it up when I wanted to talk.
Anyway, this was a lesson for me. I was surprised that I could be that ignorant but apparently I could. Reality is the ultimate test for ones attitude.
Last edited by Tallmo; 10-26-2024 at 05:47 PM.
The decisive thing is not the reality of the object, but the reality of the subjective factor, i.e. the primordial images, which in their totality represent a psychic mirror-world. It is a mirror, however, with the peculiar capacity of representing the present contents of consciousness not in their known and customary form but in a certain sense sub specie aeternitatis, somewhat as a million-year old consciousness might see them.
(Jung on Si)
Why would you have to ask her for you two to spend more time together? If it's supposed to happen, it is ideal that it happen naturally.. in my little experience, feminine energy prefers to feel things weren't calculated and there weren't expectations..
Also consider that IJ IP can cause a lot of confusion in communication..
Also, I think she might have perceived you as lower status since you may have come off as wanting her more than the reverse..
Feminine energy can be weird, it usually functions as a cat, if you go after it it runs away..
Flirt with ideas
Date opportunities
Marry problem-solving
I'm trying to practice cold approach with socionics in mind. I think putting the two together will have interesting results. I've only really seen it come together one time when I talked to an ESE and because I had some practice under my belt and she was a mirage relations with favorable romance style, it was like I was hitting her with super effective pokemon moves, it was probably the best interaction I've had with a girl that was a complete stranger. Well before the IEI girl anyway.
After my divorce, I bought about 57 books on what makes a long term relationship last.
Long story short, the key is "being there for your partner", and your Socionics Dual is the most able person to be there for you.
I'd say that Duality is a necessary condition (because it involves the least amount of compromise on everyone's part), but it alone is not sufficient. More is required.
My last GF was an ESI. ESIs are not everyone's cup of tea, but I liked her and we got along fantastically. However, she did not understand the following fact about me, and actually, about most men.
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/zXb8sQBSrRU
And so, I'm now looking for my next and, hopefully, last GF.
PS.
The truth in the above video is actually why I think that men and women are not the same, although in all fairness, the differences might be due to their respective levels of testosterone.