Originally Posted by Miss Maverick
I don't typically talk about my relationship problems openly anymore because I think that's personal and nobody's business, but with this one I feel I'd benefit from hearing others' thoughts and input, so I'll put this issue out there.
I've been with my boyfriend for more than a year. We got together September 15, 2021. However, we've known each other for 5 years, and he was in love with me from the beginning. We've never met in person, it's a long distance relationship. We've been trying to work on changing that, but there are obstacles to overcome. He's got his uni and army and shit, I've got my financial issues. We're supposed to meet in a year, after his mandatory army service is over. He's supposed to come to USA with me for a few years as soon as he can once he's out, so maybe in a year and a half. For now, he lives with his parents while doing the army.
The issue is that he hasn't told a single person in his RL about me, even after all of this time. I've also never met a single one of his friends despite the fact that he VCs with them. He doesn't VC with me unless he's out for a walk away from home. Yet, he can VC with his friends. He doesn't really share much about his RL with me, hardly anything at all, whatsoever.
I've confronted the issue, but he's given me some reasons and such that it's this way, rather than changing it or working on it at all. He's someone who has rigid boundaries about his personal self in general, so this seems to partly be a problem in himself he's worked on in other ways besides this particular thing. He's said he wants people to take the relationship seriously, and he's concerned that if he shares it, they won't, since it's currently a long distance relationship. He's got a neurotic mother who has issues and would probably act crazy about it if he shared with her, as well. He depends on his parents and doesn't want it to cause conflicts between himself and them. He also claims he's not actually close with the ftiends he has in RL, and doesn't get personal enough with them to feel comfortable with sharing the fact that he has a girlfriend with them. (Meanwhile, he also says they suggest this or that person as a girlfriend for him.)
I know this is a huge red flag, but overall, we seem to have a strong relationship and we help each other grow as individuals. I've been handling it by being patient, understanding, and enduring, especially toward the reasons with his parents. My therapist is of the opinion that I should assert myself more about this situation. She thinks it shows a lack of commitment and value toward me. He has an easy back door by not sharing his relationship status with anyone, and he also should be commited/valuing me enough to make a stand against his parents and just deal with it. Her perspective is that there shouldn't be much risk in simply telling them that there's a woman he loves and intends to spend his life with in the USA once he's out of the army. She also thinks I need to assert my own value more, in the sense that I deserve to be more than just some online fantasy.
It's eating at me, because I don't really understand why he's being so secretive about me. He's given reasons, but it still seems weird and like a major red flag to me. I feel deeply concerned and I don't know what it all means, or why he's truly doing this. He's at least told me about it, but that doesn't count for much in my eyes. I still find it highly suspicious and strange, and I fear these might only all be excuses.
I don't know what to do.