Adventures in Dating

[End]

I don't typically talk about my relationship problems openly anymore because I think that's personal and nobody's business, but with this one I feel I'd benefit from hearing others' thoughts and input, so I'll put this issue out there.

I've been with my boyfriend for more than a year. We got together September 15, 2021. However, we've known each other for 5 years, and he was in love with me from the beginning. We've never met in person, it's a long distance relationship. We've been trying to work on changing that, but there are obstacles to overcome. He's got his uni and army and shit, I've got my financial issues. We're supposed to meet in a year, after his mandatory army service is over. He's supposed to come to USA with me for a few years as soon as he can once he's out, so maybe in a year and a half. For now, he lives with his parents while doing the army.

The issue is that he hasn't told a single person in his RL about me, even after all of this time. I've also never met a single one of his friends despite the fact that he VCs with them. He doesn't VC with me unless he's out for a walk away from home. Yet, he can VC with his friends. He doesn't really share much about his RL with me, hardly anything at all, whatsoever.

I've confronted the issue, but he's given me some reasons and such that it's this way, rather than changing it or working on it at all. He's someone who has rigid boundaries about his personal self in general, so this seems to partly be a problem in himself he's worked on in other ways besides this particular thing. He's said he wants people to take the relationship seriously, and he's concerned that if he shares it, they won't, since it's currently a long distance relationship. He's got a neurotic mother who has issues and would probably act crazy about it if he shared with her, as well. He depends on his parents and doesn't want it to cause conflicts between himself and them. He also claims he's not actually close with the ftiends he has in RL, and doesn't get personal enough with them to feel comfortable with sharing the fact that he has a girlfriend with them. (Meanwhile, he also says they suggest this or that person as a girlfriend for him.)

I know this is a huge red flag, but overall, we seem to have a strong relationship and we help each other grow as individuals. I've been handling it by being patient, understanding, and enduring, especially toward the reasons with his parents. My therapist is of the opinion that I should assert myself more about this situation. She thinks it shows a lack of commitment and value toward me. He has an easy back door by not sharing his relationship status with anyone, and he also should be commited/valuing me enough to make a stand against his parents and just deal with it. Her perspective is that there shouldn't be much risk in simply telling them that there's a woman he loves and intends to spend his life with in the USA once he's out of the army. She also thinks I need to assert my own value more, in the sense that I deserve to be more than just some online fantasy.

It's eating at me, because I don't really understand why he's being so secretive about me. He's given reasons, but it still seems weird and like a major red flag to me. I feel deeply concerned and I don't know what it all means, or why he's truly doing this. He's at least told me about it, but that doesn't count for much in my eyes. I still find it highly suspicious and strange, and I fear these might only all be excuses.

I don't know what to do.

Perhaps you've never heard of me but I will mention the thing I've been harping on like a broken record in this department because it literally is the primary deciding factor in whether or not any interpersonal relationship ends up working out for better or worse. Attachment. Theory.

You are currently dealing with what sounds like a manipulative Dismissive-Avoidant. Or what is more widely known as a clinically diagnosed Sociopath/Psychopath. This is the kind of person most people associate with my own type BTW when we go off the deep end. I both resent this and admit that, if I indulge in the fantasy of being evil, it's spot on. ILI's are considered a "Villian" type for a reason. However, I'm not so I'll try to help you out a bit.

Step One: Insist on meeting him in person ASAP. His mother is likely completely nutso so if he insists on informing her of his every action (especially the possibility of meeting you in person) he's beyond help. Remember, attachment issues are essentially inherited through bloodline descent so once one ancestor becomes insecure for one reason or another all their descendants will become like that unless and until someone recognizes the problem, swallows the natural inclination to retaliate against those who cursed them, and just fixes the problem. There are instances of people spontaneously realizing things like their parents are utterly insane and that what they did to them wasn't natural but those cases are pretty gosh darn rare. Point is, if your parents had attachment issues (and most everyone who was born after 1980 was born to parents with them) you got em' too. Deal with it as best you can.

Step Two: Assuming he doesn't just gaslight you into oblivion trying to manipulate you into being his little submissive dopamine fountain and actually starts talking sense you try to help him (and you by extension) fix the attachment problem. It's both really easy and so difficult it hurts to even think about. Again, as I've said, attachment issues are welded to your "fight or flight" response in your brain. The reason he's doing what he's doing and why you're just taking it is because both of you think (subconsciously mind you) that if you act otherwise you will literally die a most slow, horrible, and painful death and (if you're religious like me) burn in eternal helfire afterward because that's what you get for daring to think someone else could possibly truly love you.

I'm exaggerating a bit but that's pretty much how your brain is wired if you're telling me the truth about all this. His too though I sadly think he went down the darker road. Most avoidants like me are just "nervous" about it. That is, we desperately want others to connect with us, but we're paranoid that once we allow someone in they will hurt us. We aren't at all certain they will, but the concern is there so we reflexively keep others at bay while we desperately hope they keep pushing us to open up to them. I skipped several steps once I figured it out and just told people like my brother that I wanted to get closer to and spend more time with them. Unsurprisingly they responded positively to my request and I've been way, way happier ever since. Fun fact: Most people aren't assholes if you're fully open and honest. Direct physical experience has matched my theories to the great benefit of both my mental and physical health .

Manipulatives are fully convinced that others will hurt them and thus they overtly manipulate and control others by any means because they've already concluded that your potentially earnest overtures towards intimacy and love are intended to make them vulnerable, controllable, and thus manipulatable. Well, you can't manipulate me if I manipulate you first! Eat that you naieve harlot! By the time I'm done with you you'll be just another member of my ever expanding harem of dumb bitches who are only good for a single orgasm before I move on to some other dumb bitch who is younger, hotter, and tighter in the vag!

Don't be his "YoHoTi" as a sphere I used to frequent would put it. Insist you both get serious about a committed relationship or go home. If he runs away (and he probably will given what you've said) than good riddance. You never wanted to be some random sociopath's "Tuesday Fuck" if ya catch my meaing. You want to be someone's amazing and wonderful wife! There is a man who will see you as such. You just have to believe you are worthy of that accolade and work towards being in a state that will attract them.

I'll use myself as an example as I am not currently in that state yet working quite hard towards attaining it ASAP. Ya don't gotta be super fit, ripped, and have a New York Times Bestseller already published and selling millions of copies a month. However, you do have to already have demonstrable progress towards that pie in the sky dream. Hit the gym on the regular. Read voraciously with intent on imitating the best by knowing through direct experience what made them so damn good. People, those who are worth your time and effort, will know this and "get it" on an instinctual level. Talk is cheap. Action is anything but.

Take. Action. Fear not that he may leave you. Fear the possibility that he sees you as a mere object to dispense what amounts to a Pez candy. Small. Unsatisfying by itself. Yet if taken in with the context that it's but one shot out of a dispenser that has a lot of "charges" to drain well why not binge on it and then grab the next?

You're not some lowly Pez candy dopamine fountain fit only for the consumption of the worst among us. You're a human being created in the likeness of God. Believe that and start acting in accordance with that belief.

[Alonzo]

I just don't want Alive to carve IEI into my chest like the creepy serial killer that he is lmao.

lol In the Random Thought Thread, at the peak of Alive tap dancing on everyone's last fucking nerve, I remember you saying something to the effect of being hesitant to ban him because perhaps he didn't have much else communal support and, to even consider that (something I never thought of myself), was such a thoughtful, beautiful, kind hearted sentiment. Only my dual has that kind of patience and tolerance. lol

[Warm Soapy Water]

lol In the Random Thought Thread, at the peak of Alive tap dancing on everyone's last fucking nerve, I remember you saying something to the effect of being hesitant to ban him because perhaps he didn't have much else communal support and, to even consider that (something I never thought of myself), was such a thoughtful, beautiful, kind hearted sentiment. Only my dual has that kind of patience and tolerance. lol

Aw I noticed SLEs think I'm a better person than I really am, one of my SLE buds would jokingly call me 'Jesus.' I'm far far from Jesus many times - I can be an asshole too + I have my own sins. But I think it's just duality working as the SLE appreciates the IEI's heart and the IEI admires the SLE's strength. <3

Yeah I still stand what I said about Alive and this place being his emotional support system- but then again if another moderator wants to ban him, I fully respect and support their decision. LOL. See, now I can be tougher and more direct cuz u gave me Se. =D

[Alonzo]

Aw I noticed SLEs think I'm a better person than I really am, one of my SLE buds would jokingly call me 'Jesus.' I'm far far from Jesus many times - I can be an asshole too + I have my own sins. But I think it's just duality working as the SLE appreciates the IEI's heart and the IEI admires the SLE's strength. <3

Yeah I still stand what I said about Alive and this place being his emotional support system- but then again if another moderator wants to ban him, I fully respect and support their decision. LOL. See, now I can be tougher and more direct cuz u gave me Se. =D

lmao Agreed. The thing is, it impresses me even more when someone can own and acknowledge their darkness but still find it within themselves to flash a lil light on us poor, miserable wretches. Not everyone has the capacity for that kind of empathy and many on the receiving end don't even deserve it, tbh--at that level, you have to be drawing on a form of strength that I damn sure don't have. I'm captain of the "talk shit, get hit" brigade. So God Bless you. lol

[Lord Pixel]

I have a 4 year old and raised more than a few kids

You've raised all the kids on earth though?

[Warm Soapy Water]

lmao Agreed. The thing is, it impresses me even more when someone can own and acknowledge their darkness but still find it within themselves to flash a lil light on us poor, miserable wretches. Not everyone has the capacity for that kind of empathy and many on the receiving end don't even deserve it, tbh--at that level, you have to be drawing on a form of strength that I damn sure don't have. I'm captain of the "talk shit, get hit" brigade. So God Bless you. lol

I just believe that punishment should be left for the worst offenders or something. Alive is super annoying sure, but is he a child molestor, a serial killer for real? Probably not, tho I do like the idea of him carving IEI symbols into victim's chest as an amusing joke. Well there is some issues supposedly of him plagiarizing others work but I don't know the full extent and I'd prefer somebody better at Te than I am looks into it.

And as a Christian my job is to forgive and love people and let God do the judging but I mean that's an ideal and people do judge and I have been pushed to use my authority before even though I prefer being lenient. Even though in real life it doesn't work that way of bad people getting their just desserts - some greedy idiots in my town just built a cell phone tower in front of an elementary school for kids that's known to cause cancer, and they should only be built in rural areas and everybody is upset that it's right near the school- some ppl think it's going to cause a lot of damage but somehow legally they were allowed to get away with it cuz of $$$. So I get now why people believe in Hell if it does cause a bunch of real ppl to get sick & die, even tho before I naively thought that was being too strict.

I do think shadow play can actually be morally healthy as long as the person doesn't act out on some things. Jung was right about not repressing the Shadow. Like neither is that moral or ideal but if you asked me would I rather want phantom people being hurt or real people, of course I'd choose imaginary figures. Some Deltas have these moral ideals that are too sugar coated and pretty to how the world really is; they want ppl to be over-the-top nice and moral in a way that's not realistic.... and in some unhealthy Deltas it's how their repressed shadow that attacks and hurts others thinking they are being the good guys.

God bless you too btw. <3 It's nice discussing things with you.

[Alonzo]

I just believe that punishment should be left for the worst offenders or something. Alive is super annoying sure, but is he a child molestor, a serial killer for real? Probably not, tho I do like the idea of him carving IEI symbols into victim's chest as an amusing joke. Well there is some issues supposedly of him plagiarizing others work but I don't know the full extent and I'd prefer somebody better at Te than I am looks into it.

And as a Christian my job is to forgive and love people and let God do the judging but I mean that's an ideal and people do judge and I have been pushed to use my authority before even though I prefer being lenient. Even though in real life it doesn't work that way of bad people getting their just desserts - some greedy idiots in my town just built a cell phone tower in front of an elementary school for kids that's known to cause cancer, and they should only be built in rural areas and everybody is upset that it's right near the school- some ppl think it's going to cause a lot of damage but somehow legally they were allowed to get away with it cuz of $$$. So I get now why people believe in Hell if it does cause a bunch of real ppl to get sick & die, even tho before I naively thought that was being too strict.

I do think shadow play can actually be morally healthy as long as the person doesn't act out on some things. Jung was right about not repressing the Shadow. Like neither is that moral or ideal but if you asked me would I rather want phantom people being hurt or real people, of course I'd choose imaginary figures. Some Deltas have these moral ideals that are too sugar coated and pretty to how the world really is; they want ppl to be over-the-top nice and moral in a way that's not realistic.... and in some unhealthy Deltas it's how their repressed shadow that attacks and hurts others thinking they are being the good guys.

God bless you too btw. <3 It's nice discussing things with you.

Very true. And likewise, you're a sweetheart.

Beta is the most aggressively punitive Quadra as far as reserving the worst treatment for those who have been “cast down” or deemed unfit by our societal standards; EIE and LSI are perhaps the most structurally/systemically oppressive, but SLE is the most outwardly despotic and casually cruel/terroristic. IEI’s purpose is to mitigate that damage via romanticizing and constructing narratives that valorize the struggle (of those who won AND lost), essentially by finding some noble meaning/purpose in the destruction. (Our quadra is lowkey trash!! Lmao). However, IEIs serve as the healer, heart and conscience of Beta Quadra, and, therefore, will be the most lenient and compassionate towards the “fallen.” My point is that, theoretically, it makes sense for you to operate in the way that you do.

One of my favorite words in the English language is “magnanimous,” which means to be “generous or forgiving, especially towards a rival or less powerful person”–this is a trait I constantly seek to embody though I certainly fall short of it, at times. I pride myself on being someone is who fair, just, and protective, who looks out for the underdog/marginalized, oftentimes reserving the worst wrath for those who seek to harm and take advantage of “the weak.” But even when I’m acting based on good intent, ngl there is something sadistically pleasurable about punishing motherfuckers who had it coming. I can’t help but to feel like they deserve it. Nevertheless, even then there should be temperance and restraint. I happen to be a big believer in redemption and rehabilitation–I’ve done many things I’m not proud of in my life but I’m a much better person then I used to be and everyone should be given the grace to change. For those who don’t, GUILLOTINE. Lol

[Miss Maverick]

You are currently dealing with what sounds like a manipulative Dismissive-Avoidant. Or what is more widely known as a clinically diagnosed Sociopath/Psychopath.

Thanks for your intentions to help anyway, but this isn't accurate whatsoever.

Btw, I'm in the psychology field. There's technically nothing all that clinical about Psychopath/Sociopath. The clinical diagnosis of that is ASPD. There is no such thing as being diagnosed with an Attachment Style, as it is not even close to being a disorder. Furthermore, Attachment Styles aren't genetically inherited, they form during childrens' very early developmental years in response to parents' responses to them as babies. They also at times change once people are older. Dismissive-Avoidant is also not even remotely close to Sociopathy, Psychopathy, or ASPD at all.

Hope that clears things up for you a bit.

[Miss Maverick]

Say that when your kid is at the walmart acting a damn fool and knocking over all the cereal while yelling at the top of his lungs because you didn't get him $129.99 lego set displayed in all it's glory for all to see a big glass in the center of the toy isle.

Idk, personally, I probably won't tell my kids "no" much when they want something. Instead, I'll tell them they can earn the things they're wanting, especially the bigger things. Opportunity to teach A) Delayed/Long-term gratification, B) Working to get what you want, rather than it being out of reach. I'd probably teach them they can have it after they do X (chores every day for X time, shit like that). I'd also promote their thought about their decisions. Ask them why they want it, and so on, so they will later in life be conditioned to make rational choices and not be too impulsive. Just me personally.

[Leo]

Really? Hmm. The schism between values and worldviews isn't something that bothers you? I have a lot of reasons I won't go for religious people, but that is one of them. Can't ever see eye to eye, compromise, etc. in certain subjects, it ends up being their way or the highway...plus, they always want to infect you with their religion so they can "save your soul," and that constant undermining of your beliefs and not respecting your autonomy in not believing, while refusing to move an inch from their own and expecting you to respect theirs completely, is fucking gross. Christians are usually the biggest hypocrites I've ever laid eyes on.

Tbh, I don't care much about age, I just care about age gap. Most of the people I fwel I have the most in common with tend to be in their 50's or above, anyway...they have more wisdom, more life experience, and I feel like my own life experiences aged me too fast, so it's just always felt like I was an old soul and they're more on my level. The best relationships in the world to me, however, are the ones who are my age but also old souls. Don't meet those online much...too many lonely guys who live in mom's basement and have hardly even held a job, much less more life experience. The mental age / maturity gap between myself and them makes it almost impossible to even have a friendship, even...it's like we live in two different worlds...

Oh yeah, I mean, Christians here probably aren't as hardcore as in US. They aren't cray cray. I am a Christian, but I take it up the butt sometimes. I mean, I believe that Jesus Christ is the original ****** sooo idk. She was never criticizing me. She once tried flexing her religious beliefs, but she wasn't anal about Christ at all. She was a solist in choir. She appeared in many huge events, that was kinda hot for me, even though I did not want to go to see her perform Christian songs. She had a great voice actually and when she was singing pop songs to me, it was great. She also showed herself off to me, going to a shower on the phone together was kinda her thing.


Oh, my bad, I'm into young bodies and old souls actually. I mean, it's my edgy side showing. To say something like that I'm strictly into 18 year olds. I mean, what matters for me is a real connection. I could date a 70 year old if she was kinda hot and very nice.

[End]

Thanks for your intentions to help anyway, but this isn't accurate whatsoever.

Btw, I'm in the psychology field. There's technically nothing all that clinical about Psychopath/Sociopath. The clinical diagnosis of that is ASPD. There is no such thing as being diagnosed with an Attachment Style, as it is not even close to being a disorder. Furthermore, Attachment Styles aren't genetically inherited, they form during childrens' very early developmental years in response to parents' responses to them as babies. They also at times change once people are older. Dismissive-Avoidant is also not even remotely close to Sociopathy, Psychopathy, or ASPD at all.

Hope that clears things up for you a bit.

This response is perfectly in line with my own research and the experiences described by the dude that got me into this line of thinking who was/is, funny enough, a trained psychologist who specialized in trauma and family therapy. I'm talking prison inmate levels of trauma BTW so he wasn't exactly taking the easy route.

Where do you think the "disorders" in that manual you're trained to regard as a bible come from? Our current "medical" model of mental health in the west has a ton of holes in it and it is also pushed on us (and you) for many reasons. The two big ones are A) It's hella profitable for big pharma and B) It gives the average person an excuse to not do anything to fix/help themselves. Also C) there's a critical shortage of health care professionals and the system is pushing out "professionals" who could be more accurately described as triage specialists. They do triage and surface level treatments. They don't "cure" anything because of A and B and that results in mass misery.

As I've said elsewhere, Miserable people are easy to control and manipulate. Just as the PTB would like us all to be. Infinitely malleable and interchangeable cogs in their soulless machine. The "medical" model is custom made for our Managerial Elite. I'd question it if I were you. Don't pop the pills indefinitely. Find out why you (and your patients) are fucked up and fix the root cause. Then they won't need the pills anymore. Of course, that also means they won't need you anymore.

A "fixed" psych patient doesn't need therapy and thus won't fork over 10k a year for the privilege of bitching at you and then who knows how much more for the pills that don't actually fix the problem. This is a recurring theme in my own research. People who realize there's a problem start complaining about it only to find out that if the thing they're currently complaining about gets fixed they lose their newest and most lucrative income stream. Thus, they don't mention any real solutions as that'd mean they're right back in that lower income bracket that they don't want to be back in.

I can assure you that in your case you're safe. So many people are so fucked up that you won't have to worry about losing overall client load/income until your grandchildren follow you into your profession. Even then they'll still make a good if modest living. Humans won't stop having psychological issues even if our culture and society focus on eliminating the root causes of them. They'll just get way less prevalent and fixed before they blow up in spectacular fashions like school shootings or people becoming politicians.

[Lord Pixel]

Idk, personally, I probably won't tell my kids "no" much when they want something. Instead, I'll tell them they can earn the things they're wanting, especially the bigger things. Opportunity to teach A) Delayed/Long-term gratification, B) Working to get what you want, rather than it being out of reach. I'd probably teach them they can have it after they do X (chores every day for X time, shit like that). I'd also promote their thought about their decisions. Ask them why they want it, and so on, so they will later in life be conditioned to make rational choices and not be too impulsive. Just me personally.

Tell them that when they say "NO I DON'T WANNA! I WANT IT NOW!", and again, tossing cereal boxes all through the isle causing a massive scene while yelling at the top of their raspy lungs.

[Miss Maverick]

Tell them that when they say "NO I DON'T WANNA! I WANT IT NOW!", and again, tossing cereal boxes all through the isle causing a massive scene while yelling at the top of their raspy lungs.

I'm not sure what the point you're trying to make is. Obviously, that's behavior that will be responded to with discipline in most children...but it also is behavior that might originate from deeper issues, too.

Older children (6-7) shouldn't be behaving this way. If they are, it's most often from parents giving in to their tantrums in the past. They should be able to recognize by then that this kind of behavior won't get them what they want, and that they are expected to use communication.

My ex's toddler acted similarly. It turned out to be due to autism. We were trying to get him to communicate instead of throwing tantrums, but because of his autism, his communication was stunted. He was happy to use sign language instead, when they realized he was autistic and taught him some sign language.

I don't believe in responding to undesirable behaviors with discipline in every case. Sometimes, there is something going on with children that needs to be understood. Before we knew the toddler had autism, I used to discipline the toddler for things such as shoving his plate of dinner off the table and onto the floor. However, no reasonable or humane level of discipline worked with him. In fact, he responded to it by behaving even worse. Once it was discovered that he had autism, I realized the discipline wasn't working because there were things going on that needed to be addressed in specific special ways.

I'm not very knowledgeable when it comes to children. However, I do know that they must be taught to express their feelings in ways other than outbursts. There needs to be some form of conditioning that allows for emotional expression in some way other than tantrums. Otherwise, disciplining for emotional outbursts only sends the message that feelings are bad and it's not safe to feel, which is obviously not the message a child needs, and it will result in them being emotionally stunted later on.

On a side note, I felt so sorry for those kids. My ex used to mock them during tantrums and egg them on to provoke them into even stronger tantrums. He had very clear favoritism toward the boy, and he would purposely upset the girl, then call her dramatic and laugh at her after making her cry. She was 2, he was 3. I hated that guy once I realized what kind of person I'd gotten into a relationship with.

[Popcorn]

I'm not sure what the point you're trying to make is. Obviously, that's behavior that will be responded to with discipline in most children...but it also is behavior that might originate from deeper issues, too.

Yeah, you would think, yet it seems to happen every time I go to the grocery store. It's bizarre, the parents just ignore the kids and the kids just keep at it. I now started wearing headphones and going late at night when they have about an hour before close. Much more peaceful and nobody is constantly blocking the aisle with their carts.

I hate grocery shopping.

[Miss Maverick]

Yeah, you would think, yet it seems to happen every time I go to the grocery store. It's bizarre, the parents just ignore the kids and the kids just keep at it. I now started wearing headphones and going late at night when they have about an hour before close. Much more peaceful and nobody is constantly blocking the aisle with their carts.

I hate grocery shopping.

Oof. Strangely, I don't seem to have that encounter when I go to the store usually. I am not very educated about kids, but in some cases I do think you are supposed to ignore their tantrums, otherwise it can turn into negative attention-seeking behavior. Idk, I will be researching children, developmental psychology, etc. the first time I get pregnant, since I won't be working during that (I will struggle with bipolar since I'll be unable to take the meds for it). I don't have much time or interest in doing it before then, honestly. Kids aren't my subject. Never have been.

All I know is, when I was one myself, my family was emotionally neglectful of me and at the same time abusive physically, sexually, psychologically/emotionally. I had emotional issues as a result, and my family's solution for all unwanted behavior was discipline, and it wasn't what I needed. I just needed love. I'd have responded to softness, gentleness, love, affection, kindness, support, understanding, empathy, and encouragement, with fierce loyalty (because I was so starved for love that I used to latch on to any glimpse of it). It would've solved a lot of my behavioral problems (drinking, doing drugs, running away, anger issues, etc). Discipline only made me worse. So, I'm a firm believer that there are times when discipline is not the answer to unwanted behaviors.

[Miss Maverick]

My parents responded to my running away from home with pure morosis.

The first time, I was 10. I ran away after school because I saw my dad put a gun to my mom's head while threatening to kill her, my brother and I, and the rest of my mom's family. I was only gone for a couple of hours. When I got home, my dad became abusive and then showed me--a fucking 10 year old--a very graphic violent movie in which women were taken, chained up, raped, tortured, all kinds of shit..."to show me what could happen."

When I was 14, I ran away for much longer periods at a time. As soon as I would get caught and the cops would force me to go home, I was looking for the chance to do it again. I just kept trying to get out of there. My mom responded to it by always locking me inside my room. There was a padlock over my door.

Fucking. Morons. Address the root cause of why I was running away in the first place, teach me ways to cope with my feelings, something. That would've entailed narcissists having to take responsibility for the fact that they were the problem and the reason I was constantly running away, though...so of course not.

EDIT:
God, now I'm remembering that she dealt with my emotional issues from the abuse by sending me to bootcamp (and when I say emotional issues, I mean me fighting with her while she was being abusive, and some venting she saw in my personal journals/diaries that she used to regularly go through, I had 0 privacy), she dealt with me smoking weed by calling the cops and having me arrested/taken to juvi...fucking terrible mother. My uncle (her brother) is the same way, too. He hit the cat because she was peeing outside of the litterbox, turned out the poor baby had kidney stones that were so big she had to have surgery, and she was in a lot of pain from them.

Discipline isn't always the answer. Search for alternatives that the behavior could be caused by, don't just discipline fucking children because they act in some way you don't want them to. Don't be so stupid, selfish, angry, or lazy, that you never figure out the actual cause of the issue.

[Popcorn]

This is why I don't want children. Fucked up parents fuck up their children, those children become adults and become parents with their own issues. I don't think many american parents are great parents (not as bad as yours, probably), where they help the child realize who they are and what they should do in life and what makes them happy. It's a wonder why some people even have kids.

[Miss Maverick]

This is why I don't want children. Fucked up parents fuck up their children, those children become adults and become parents with their own issues. I don't think many american parents are great parents (not as bad as yours, probably), where they help the child realize who they are and what they should do in life and what makes them happy. It's a wonder why some people even have kids.

^^^This

Nah, I'm joking. I cannot stress the importance of psychological education becoming wideapread, for this very reason you had the insight and wisdom to perceive. It feels good to me that someone else sees it, and knows it's especially problematic in USA. Thanks for sharing your thoughts here.

We are in the midst of things changing. The more mental health awareness spreads ("your feelings are valid, talk to me, what's going on, how do you feel and why?" VS "if you don't stop crying, I'm going to whip your ass" as old generations did similar to that), the better society will be able to combat these kinds of issues--the issues within themselves, most importantly. It's not perfect, and there are too many people being put on medication for things for now, but society isn't accepting this, and both the psychology field and society are improving as we gain knowledge. It's a process, a marathon. Mistakes are inevitable, but we are learning and growing from them.

I actually see it as the opposite: it's one reason I DO want children. I see it as something important, as my children might be part of what helps incite change in this world. That's just 2 more members of society that can be healthy because of the work I'll have done within myself, as well as the knowledge I'll have equipped them with. If the people who do have the ability to instill better qualities into their kids just all abstain from having them because this world is shitty, the shitty dynamics are left to take over and become what is in the majority of the population. My mission is to break free from the generations of abuse and toxicity, depart from my family tree, and begin a new one that's even better, stronger, critical thinkers, independent-minded, open to correction and perceiving it as a positive thing that promotes their own growth rather than offending their egos, and I hope that their existence and presence in this world will be a part of what assists this world in changing. Kids are the future of mankind--what kinds of kids do we want to be present in the world? The world needs more good people, and I hope I can help produce that. I hope that my work as a counselor/therapist will also be able to help fight the issue by helping people to heal and use better coping strategies, thus becoming better parents.

[Lord Pixel]

I'm not sure what the point you're trying to make is. Obviously, that's behavior that will be responded to with discipline in most children...but it also is behavior that might originate from deeper issues, too.

Older children (6-7) shouldn't be behaving this way. If they are, it's most often from parents giving in to their tantrums in the past. They should be able to recognize by then that this kind of behavior won't get them what they want, and that they are expected to use communication.

My ex's toddler acted similarly. It turned out to be due to autism. We were trying to get him to communicate instead of throwing tantrums, but because of his autism, his communication was stunted. He was happy to use sign language instead, when they realized he was autistic and taught him some sign language.

I don't believe in responding to undesirable behaviors with discipline in every case. Sometimes, there is something going on with children that needs to be understood. Before we knew the toddler had autism, I used to discipline the toddler for things such as shoving his plate of dinner off the table and onto the floor. However, no reasonable or humane level of discipline worked with him. In fact, he responded to it by behaving even worse. Once it was discovered that he had autism, I realized the discipline wasn't working because there were things going on that needed to be addressed in specific special ways.

I'm not very knowledgeable when it comes to children. However, I do know that they must be taught to express their feelings in ways other than outbursts. There needs to be some form of conditioning that allows for emotional expression in some way other than tantrums. Otherwise, disciplining for emotional outbursts only sends the message that feelings are bad and it's not safe to feel, which is obviously not the message a child needs, and it will result in them being emotionally stunted later on.

On a side note, I felt so sorry for those kids. My ex used to mock them during tantrums and egg them on to provoke them into even stronger tantrums. He had very clear favoritism toward the boy, and he would purposely upset the girl, then call her dramatic and laugh at her after making her cry. She was 2, he was 3. I hated that guy once I realized what kind of person I'd gotten into a relationship with.

The point I'm making is, sometimes kids need to be spanked. And whose got time for a therapy session in the middle of a Walmart. You do that crap when you get home.

[Miss Maverick]

The point I'm making is, sometimes kids need to be spanked. And whose got time for a therapy session in the middle of a Walmart. You do that crap when you get home.

I am of the same opinion. You're preaching to the choir.

[Lord Pixel]

I am of the same opinion. You're preaching to the choir.

Then idk why you quoted me.

[Bethany]

Does anyone know what happened to @Adam Strange? I like to think he met an ESI and she told him to get off here, or maybe he just had enough. Hope nothing bad happened and he’s found some peace (and quiet).

[Miss Maverick]

Then idk why you quoted me.

That's unfortunate.

[Bethany]

I was wondering about what type I’d prefer to date, order of preference etc and was thinking about how I think I’d rather date IEI than LSI. Then I was thinking about SEIs and what it would be like to date one now, I’ve matched with a few in the past and it seems to be a type I like. I also briefly dated an SEI in my early twenties. I was thinking about how all these SEIs might have been suitable, but one may have been the best, based on how I turned out lol. Sometimes I think my friendships are not as solid as I’d like, so I feel I need a partner who very much feels like a friend as well as a partner. The SEI I met in my twenties was cool and interesting and ambitious, the type of guy I used to see myself with maybe. I couldn’t imagine dating that SEI now though. I could imagine daring a more carefree, less ambitious SEI however. With a dual I think it’s a bit different, I think you can tell quite quickly if you are suited, it clicks quite quickly- well I think it would for me now.