A thread where you can post your dating experiences.
The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.
A thread where you can post your dating experiences.
The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.
I've been kind of dating this Dual woman for a year and a half and we get along pretty well. Almost exactly as Duals are described as getting along. However, she texted me a week ago and said she isn't ready for a relationship.
What the fuck?
There is this set of behaviors in Attachment Theory in which a person needs to connect with someone, but the closer they get to the other person in the relationship, the more panicked the first person gets at the possibility of the other person leaving them. These people are called Fearful Avoidants, and I think this woman has it.
Their behaviors often result in the other person leaving them, which only confirms what they were expecting would happen all along. Even though they, themselves, caused the breakup.
It's pretty fucked up, let me tell you.
I went on a date with a woman who had fairly large boobs. She seemed really proud of them.
I didn’t tell her that I prefer smaller boobs.
I dated an avoidant attachment. He was the first person I ever really like and cared for very deeply. It ended up triggering my own attachment issues and it has seriously made me look at my own stuff. It was a hard breakup for me (first genuine breakup) and it fucked me up for awhile. I don’t want to date someone like that ever again unless they are working on themselves. Besides, I’ve read a lot about attachment theory and a lot of avoidant a really do abandon their spouses in serious times of need and I don’t want that in a partner. It’s hard but keeping an eye out and how our own attachment issues cloud our vision in choosing a partner is eye opening.
This is not an ideal approach to relationships, though, and it would seriously worry me if it weren’t for the fact that I was in a fully-committed relationship (at least, from my perspective) for many years.
I did it once, I can do it again with the right person.
MissDucki, this woman is an ESI-Fi e6 but when I met her, I really wasn’t sure if she was ESI or SEI. She’s been married twice and both marriages ended badly.
I also know an ESI-Se e6w7 CP who is a lesbian and goes through partners pretty quickly. I wonder if this failure to connect is related to feeling-doms and e6’s?
E6: the Loyal Skeptic. The Doubter.
This is actually how I recognize e6’s. They want to be in a relationship and will often tell you that immediately, but after that initial rush, it’s always “Oh, yeah? You’ve been steadfastly by my side and you say you love me. Well, I don’t believe you, buster.”
Last edited by Adam Strange; 09-07-2021 at 02:14 PM.
This woman on Match “liked” me.
She’s eighteen years younger than me, has a graduate degree and is a lawyer.
She sent me a greeting; “Hi.” Brief and noncommittal.
She’s obviously an ESI e9.
I don't want to sound pessimistic but I do feel that attachment issues are becoming common in this society.
I think that the way technology is designed and used makes it so that people can easily get in touch with someone and then ghost them or just break up with them through text, both of which are cowardly escapist tactics. It becomes easy to get in touch with someone when the whim strikes but just as easy to ghost.
Text messaging is particularly toxic because back in my day when you wanted to talk to somone you had to either call them over phone or see them face to face (or more rarely, write a letter), which meant you had "live" interaction with the person, which revealed clues about their emotional state rather than a text which can also come across as unneedingly harsh and callous and sticks around unlike live conversation.
What good is a book that does not even transport us beyond all books?
My father married my abusive mother because she was the image of his abusive mother and he loved her unreservedly until the day he died.
He made a decision and stuck with it and made the best of it. I can’t tell if he was a saint or an idiot.
Adam Strange, you honestly don’t seem that bad at relationships. You are just approaching them from a very logical perspective. It’s kinda sweet but also kinda jarring at the same time sometimes lol! I honestly think you just need the right Fi Dom and genuine ESI that is in there for the long haul. I think she would find you quite sweet. I have a little soft spot for you at times cause you really remind me of my duals so I feel a bit protective in that instance.
I will be blunt, I have done that. I don’t like many men as a type 6 but I will let you know always that I want you if I do. I can be straightforward in that. I also do really relate about fearing the steadfastness. When your oriented to deal with the fires, you get nervous when you see no fires lol. Honestly, when I feel this way. I wish the men would do something a bit over the top to show his feelings for me. That puts me at ease that he’s invested and that it’s not just for bullshit. Like taking to me a really nice dinner or getting something really personal. I feel like if they do that, then I know it’s not “bullshit” so to speak. Weird, I know. Just, that seems to put me ease and chill out. It’s like seeing a good fire instead of no fire at all and that’s worse.
MissDucki, you might be a little more emotionally advanced than most of the e6 women I’ve dated. With them, I do take them out. Then they become unavailable while still texting me. WTF?
I’ve taken the e6w7 lesbian ESI-Se out to eat several times. At first, she was terrified but was totally covering it. Then, she was visibly cautious. Most recently, she only wanted to take the food to a park to eat, because she wouldn’t run into anyone she knows there. Lol. She seems to be happiest when she and I are just eating takeout on my front steps. And she’s the most emotionally healthy ESI I know.
Of course, she did say that she and I are age-inappropriate. And we are. But she’s the one who is jumping to conclusions here.
Last edited by Adam Strange; 09-07-2021 at 03:47 PM.
6’s will always jump to conclusions. If you want to end it quicker, entertain it. When people don’t, I freak out more. When you entertain it, they kinda realize it was silly and chill out quicker. Most of the time it is. That or just reassure your own perspective. I can understand why it’s annoying for others a times. Just, fear makes you wack lol
I find Ti in a crowded room, so most of my close relationships in with Ti users. SLE and SEE girls and women would find me and I would just go along with them. I liked their attitude.
Fi types never liked me, I get on their nerves.
When I was younger Se doms would take most of the initiative and I was more victimy. As I got older I realized that I should be the one to take the initiative and if I were single again (if I didn't kill myself first) I would have no problem taking the initiative in a romantic situation.
“You are the music while the music lasts.”
― T.S. Eliot
I'd like to share my experience and get some advice from a Socionics/psychological perspective
I have only ever dated Betas. And for some reason all older than me. Back in my teenage years I was sorta submissive, so I waited for girls to ask me out But I was also quite extraverted so I guess that helped.
My first gf was SLE. She wore the pants in that relationship. Looking back I'm convinced she saw me as IEI/EIE. I was more emotional and expressive back then. Somehow I did feel chemistry with her but every day was so filled with drama and we would "break up" and reconcile again every few days or so lol.
Then I dated an IEI, I honestly have no complaints about it but there was no chemistry. We just sorta forgot to keep in contact with each other and that was that.
Growing up, I began to understand what most women "prefer" in a man, so I decided to reform myself in order to be more popular. So I decided to hit the gym, act more assertive, etc. and eventually those changes became part of who I am. Looking back at my old self is funny somehow, because I'm definitely still the same old person inside.
After that I dated an EIE (as an adult). Worst relationship so far lol. She was several years older than me and honestly I have no clue why she liked me. I think my tough guy act was so convincing I passed as LSI. She was kinda crazy tbh. And very manipulative. Always messing with me and playing "trust games". We broke up because her mom (also EIE) didn't like me. But I was already trying to get rid of her at that point lol.
A couple weeks ago I met a woman on the web, we had LOTS in common and hit it off pretty well so I figured (hoped) she'd be in my quadra at least. She's really smart and likes math so my first thought was LII. So we decided to meet IRL and she turns out to be quite unmistakably IEI.
Other than those, pretty much all the women I've known who were remotely interested in me were Beta (even when I was submissive). Alpha SF women in general don't seem interested in me. I dunno what to make out of this as I'm most certainly not Beta.
But on the bright side, gay ESE dudes like to slap my ass. So life's still good.
I can see why the Beta women are interested in you. A lot of beta women seem to be attracted to Alpha NT.
To attract Alpha SF women, you need to show more obvious Ne. That and obvious “openness”. You have no issue attracting Beta women so your not throwing Te around which is good. But, you are showing obvious Se role that alpha women don’t really like. We’re Se ignoring so I don’t like it when someone comes around swinging it.
Honestly, I find you “attractive” on here as I enjoy your obvious Ti and those glimpse of openness with Ne. It’s soothing and attractive to me naturally. So if you can, maybe show less of that Se role and show more of The Banana King on here.
What do you mean by "glimpse of openness"? And I never thought my Ti was that obvious but maybe it is hahah.
I like Ne observations, even if they are off the wall wacky. I love hearing Ne/Ti tangents and I find them thrilling! Aka, I find ILE and LII aren’t afraid to look stupid and be silly. Se types tend to have a stick up their butt in this sense (no Offense). They focus on being more “assertive and dominating” to the point it’s controlling and I don’t like that. The openness is that your not afraid to look silly and that your not afraid to keep loose reigns. I like men who are loose with the reigns as that caretaker side tends to pop up. I hope this make sense and helps! Just, don’t be afraid to be silly and show you’re Ne a bit more! It’s attractive!
Last edited by MissDucki; 09-09-2021 at 12:03 AM. Reason: My spelling....
I love the Alpha vibes going on here
“You are the music while the music lasts.”
― T.S. Eliot
To be fair I try not to show too much humour in discussion forums, I try to keep things mostly on-topic. But my joking gets out of hand irl, to the point that most of what I say is half-joking. Think something like Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy in terms of frequency and style of humour.
AWellArmedCat, I didn't date at all in high school or college, and I've dated a lot as an adult (after college), and let me just say that the more I date, the easier it gets and the more comfortable I become, and as time goes on it becomes harder to find someone who is still single and is capable of being in a relationship.
The normal and the good get taken pretty quickly.
Yeah the world is kinda fucked up like this. I think when you are fucked up and "evil" or have psychopathic issues- it is easier for some people to love you because it's like that is the balancing force you need to fix you - it probably subconsciously felt like if your father could love your mother, she would then also be a loving person herself and a good person. The same way an empty glass is begging to be filled up with the container of orange juice right next to it or something. Yeah it doesn't work that way of course lol but I think that's sorta the naive hope of love... and people who love, they know how strong love can be- it can 'transform' etc but yeah it's naive.My father married my abusive mother because she was the image of his abusive mother and he loved her unreservedly until the day he died.
I have loved like this before and regretted it- as it was too masochistic when in reality I don't like being a masochist, I lost too much and gained too little. Love doesn't hold it's own value- and it sucks.
and the reverse is people who are too obviously loving and sweet are sadly shat upon the most when if the world was truly just - they would be loved back as much as they love instead of abused - but objectively love looks like 'weakness' a lot of the time, a weakness to be preyed upon by people who don't have noble intentions.
A good thing I noticed about LIEs, is that although their businessman Te annoys me- it seems like they really genuinely want to change this about the world and I think it's admirable. Beyond the T type exerior there is a lot of sensitivity I think, and caring about morals and people not being fucked up shitty people etc. Or maybe it's the 1D but valued Fi talking, you know lol.
I dated a lot but this was one of my strangest. After about six months of dating, an ISFj said to me out of the blue: “I want to break up with you but I don't think that I can.” I tried to get more details but no success so I said “Well, let me help you.” Later that day, I got a call from her best friend who I'd never met previously; she asked if we could talk so we met. At some time through the course of the conversation she told me: “If you wanted her back, all you have to do is ask her.” However, all during the conversation, she kept touching me and when we were parting, she suggested that we should date. I thought that although she was attractive, there was something off (scary-like) with her but couldn't put my finger on it. She called several times over the next week or so but I kept the conversation short. I never saw either woman again but every so often for years, I got a change of address card from the friend. I think that I dodged a bullet.
Last edited by Rebelondeck; 09-09-2021 at 04:37 PM. Reason: grammar
But yeah, you dodged a bullet with that ESI. Super-Ego seems like it would be a stretch.
I sometimes wonder how it would be to go through life basing all your decisions on how you feel about something, rather than on an analysis of the facts?
I can say how it is from the opposite perspective: It sucks.
I was talking to a widowed Exxj business owner and asked her if she planned to get remarried. I mean, I said that, while I'm not interested in her, someone would be. (Exxj's can be brutally honest with each other and not be offended.) She laughed and said No.
I told her that I was, but I was having a hard time finding a woman who was able to be in a relationship. I'd met this one woman whom I got along with and we'd been on a few all-day dates and everything went well, but now she didn't want to see me. Texting was fine, but other than that, she was always busy.
"Maybe she's been hurt?"
"Well, she's been married twice."
"Yeah, that makes a woman very cautious. Plus, women have these expectations of fairy tale romance."
I think, "Romance?" Another reason to hate Disney.
Not really about relationship issues. Sometimes the dominance is just so exhausting that I just go full schizoid (=f*ck this I'm off to a lala land). Of course this just feeds it more because sometimes it is likely that they have blinds on when it comes to reading a mind.
MOTTO: NEVER TRUST IN REALITY
Winning is for losers
Life is a joke but do you have a life?
I got stood up once. Only once. I'm guessing it could have happened more if I had dated more. Probabilities and all that.
It was a guy who was MP at a nearby airbase. On our first date he told a story about a naked guy running through the field outside their gates that they had to corral. I forget what else we talked about. We set up a second date at one of my favorite tea houses. He never showed, though my "are you ok" text showed as read.
Honestly it felt relieving. I got myself some tasty tea and then went home and got an evening to myself relaxing. It was an easy "nope."
Oh, to find you in dreams - mixing prior, analog, and never-beens... facts slip and turn and change with little lucidity. except the strong, permeating reality of emotion.
A lot of experiences in Highschool were from a general reluctance to make a move.
I remember I went on a school trip across the country that would take about 2 weeks. I sat next to a girl and even though we never really talked before, we started to talk and we got to like each other. We would listen to her Mp3 player and we would fall asleep on each other while we drove around. We had to drive a lot on this trip, I don't know why, but the places we had to visit were so far from each other.
After the trip was over she didn't talk to me, I thought it was weird as a kid, I was thinking why isn't she coming over to me she must hate me. So I didn't really talk to her after that.
As I got older and I was in college I would meet girls and try harder to show initiative, but when I look back I was still really reluctant to make any definite moves and the girl usually made it for me.
There was a girl I think she was an SLE, we worked together. I remember I was in a group of coworkers being loud and obnoxious as I am apt to do joking around. I remember she was new and she kind of sat back and would poke fun at me and would point out how illogical my statements were, naturally I became infatuated. It took a while for me to ask her out even though I would openly flirt with her.
We went to the Zoo as a date. She chose where to go, what we would do, when we would stop to eat. I give this control away too easily to women like this because it feels so easy to do. As we were walking another lady who worked at the Zoo was selling something or whatever and I was stuck talking to her, the SLE injected herself between us and very firmly said "We aren't interested, thank you" and she told me to "come on". As we walked ahead she told me she didn't like that that girl was flirting with me. I found this sort of possessiveness attractive.
On another date, we went to the movies and sat in the row all the way in the back. The armrests of the seats could be folded in for more room. She folded the armrest between us and pushed herself against me and told me to hold her. I did. She told me to kiss her, and I did. We ended up making out and going to her apartment.
Eventually, things fell apart between us because she and I wanted different things out of life. I am also really hard to be around, especially at that age, I was extremely emotionally volatile and she would say I had multiple personalities. I could be fine one minute and then be a completely different person the next. I was dealing with some stuff at the time but I can't really argue with that.
“You are the music while the music lasts.”
― T.S. Eliot
Usually, though, EIE-Fe don't go so well with ILE-Ti and I've observed that quite frequently throughout my life, the EIE-Fe says the ILE-Ti's ideas will never happen or their systems wouldn't work or they'll be envious that they couldn't come up with it or the ILE-Ti's artistic talent and originality (which is way more original than anything EIE-Fe and LSI-Ti can make on their own), or that it's ridiculous and they don't like being challenged with facts or logic or their position of dominance being challenged; but EIE-Ni and ILE-Ti go along great with each other as do LSI-Se and ILE-Ti, unless the LSI-Se has some strongly expressed values that disgust an ILE-Ti (Kimberly Kane, ILE-Ti, was glad when Fred Phelps, LSI-Se died, she really wanted him out of the world, despite his creativity/originality... LGBTQIA+ rights were so important to her to the exclusion of originality and entertainment... some ILE-Ti are quite emotional about their values and emotional about other things, some openly share their emotions and some don't, but ILE-Ti do express their love and can be quite sentimental, some even put their emotions and desires above or equal to reason and facts... logical subtype is more likely to be an original artist, actress or actor in lesser known films; Zella Day, Natalie Portman, and one of my cousins who could read people well from a very young age are just two.. but think of so many people in the vid game industry who may be ILE-Ti, ILE-Ti tend to be more original in their language and systems usage than ILE-Ne and ILE-Ti tend to laugh more and have a lighter vibe, of course not all of them are sincere, but many are and sincerity doesn't really matter to me).
Differently from you, I've always avoided being muscular, and drinking beer, I tried to have more refined tastes but I could never hide my stereotypical masculine traits well enough for a better emotional state for myself or to have the relationships I soooooo fucking dreamed of, desired; I was actually usually embarrassed by needing to use pressuring or force, although I've always preferred meso-endo women, flat buttocks with pants outlining crack, very strong, very lean, very long beautifully toned legs, high set belly button, a beer gut, very large aqualine nose, and great with deductive logic, any equipment, creative, open-minded, and doesn't take life very seriously, can laugh at anything, not be offended much, and has high internal drive and good ability to read people and predict how they'll react.
But sometimes it just naturally happens that because I live in my head, some people would might mistake me for/treat me as an Ni ego. i think some SLE-Ti and LSI-Se women tend to treat me as an Ni ego sometimes because I seem so in my head and my eyes may look relaxed, depressed, not internally charged at all, but I've always approached ILE-Ti, LSI-Se, and SLE-Ti women more than any other types of women. But I figure the probability of a relationship and me getting what I want from it, me being satisfied with it and not pissed off about it is low so I don't go through with things. And it's obvious that ILE-Ti tend to find me repulsive. Some introspection made me realize that and I pay more attention to body language now that I'm older, although I'm so mentally slow and focused on what I want and what's in my head that I don't recognize body language until it's too late for me.
I've found that I have my most loving relationships with emotionally healthy IEI-Ni women, they go the most smoothly (they're more laid-back than EIE women and not as forceful and they don't constantly assert non-sense nor that EIE smugness, nor express their wrong assumptions like EIE do... it's easier for me to have a conversation with an IEI-Ni woman than an EIE woman, it goes back and forth, and IEI-Ni tend to know more about things and have had more experiences that we both enjoyed and can talk about that... EIE tend to assert themselves from my experience and if they can't assert themselves directly, they'll start doing manipulation (either emotional or of the situation when no one is around or when people aren't looking) to get what they want and re-assert their dominance. I prefer a more level relationship, which is easier for me with IEI-Ni than it is for me with EIE... and IEI are more trusting (I tend to be trusting, except of politicians or unless the person shows me a reason not to trust them (like they keep making similar mistakes that affect me or don't know things that should be obvious), or if I have so many facts ahead of time about why they should not be trusted... but if I think someone pleasant, I prefer to and have no regrets about closing the physical and psychological distance immediately, but if the person is unpleasant I try to escape or I even panic.. if the person is neither particularly pleasant nor unpleasant, i just go along with what they want until I see more things about them, but I usually know who I want to spend time with and who I don't)... so there's that. LOL
I tend to find that irrationality improves the quality of my relationships or in the case of Ti egos, being the creative function subtype... I vastly prefer SEE-Se to SEE-Fi; SEE-Fi tend to be more negative and less sequential so they're harder for me to understand, but all Gamma SF women find me too ugly to spend much time with, they will avoid someone who looks as bad as I do, while Beta ST women will hang out with me and be friendly, they they can endure the presence of people with bad appearance or bad voice more than Alpha NTs and Gamma SFs and some EIE-Ni can, but Gamma SF women will avoid an ugly person at all costs, so I've spent very little time with them even though I love them especially the Se function subtypes for their smartness, inner drive, creativity and they're usually beautiful although usually not to the level SLE-Ti and LSI-Se women are and especially not to the level ILE-Ti women are with their all around sexiness and being quite positive about just about everything; ILE-Ti usually don't complain loudly or in a serious tone, it's not very common for them to focus on what's wrong, as it is for them to focus on what brings them pleasure) and for some reason the IEI-Ni don't perceive me as too masculine which is good and it's also good that they don't moralize and try to change people like EIE do. I always tried to look less masculine for my own emotional comfort, but it was hard because of the features I was born with (harsh voice, ugly face, small deep set eyes, hair all over my hands, limbs, body, and neck, slow in conversation, imprecise and error prone in language, poor coordination, poor visual awareness, poor analytical reasoning ability, no originality) and my mom forcing me to get a hair cut.
Anyway... there has usually been somewhat of an aggressor romance style in me along with infantile (Si from either Alpha or Delta works but I usually want good stimulation,I need to feel soothed and stimulated at the right time, but SEI-Si tend to be more stimulating and I usually need more Alpha Ti and Si's gentle vibrance, ILE-Ti artistic ideas and insights, and ILE-Ti, IEI-Ni, EIE-Ni, and ESI-Se ability to find the lesser known, and Gamma Ni and Se stimulation to Delta's attempts to reduce psychological or physical discomfort... I need Fe from time to time, but EIE-Fe often worsen my mood with their emotions, whereas IEI tend to improve it, EIE-Ni tend to, SLE-Ti and ILE-Ti Fe can be good for me, it can be bad for me but it's almost always better than EIE-Fe's Fe for me), but more aggressor-it's mostly about what i want and i've gotten in trouble for physically approaching women I was interested in, although I usually do compliments. In college, the only females who complained to administration about me trying to flirt with them and approaching them were ILE-Ti. They seem to care about appearance about 80% as much as I do. when i was in college, so many people noticed I was shamelessly flirting, but i didn't pursue further relationships because there was no interest than in briefly receiving attention and than me seeing them and being close physically which satisfied my sexual appetite... then.
Sorry if that post was too long, it's therapeutic and fun for me to write whatever I'm thinking... I've known people could know it was me who wrote it and I'm fine with that.
I'm not only psychologically disturbed, I'm also QueeferSutherlandJeffersonianSecessionist87@sucksd ick.com
I find myself being physically attacked by ST women often.
One time I was joking with a girl and flirting with her she got mad and grabbed me and pushed me back and I tripped over a chair and fell to the floor laughing. She thought it was funny too, it was a cute moment of violence lol.
She was almost as tall as me and she was an athlete so she was stronger than even she realized. I think she liked to push me around. It got annoying after a while.
The aggression was in the bedroom as well. Sex with her felt very objectifying like I was her sex toy. I was something that she could play with and then leave alone when she was done. We never got very close and it felt like every interaction was half-serious.
I didn't like the way she treated me. She always seemed to act like she was better than me, or she made everything a competition like she was trying to prove something. I think she was an SLE but she could have been an SEE. She had to be a Se dom though.
“You are the music while the music lasts.”
― T.S. Eliot