Originally Posted by
fairyfairy
I briefly dated an SLI this summer.
We met at the bar and after the second dance I told my friend he's kind of cute isn't he, and she laughed and went oh noooo
Well my first impression was that no lead's ever grasped my hands like that so sensually, I can't describe it.
We lingered around each other a lot and I gave him most of that night's dances (I'm not a Miss IEE, I want one person and that's it)
He got me sitting down and my first thought was oh my, the instinctual chemistry is strong, but the moment we open our mouths I have no idea what is going on...
My second was that he surely doesn't value Fe.. pinged him SLI straightaway...
Well, we still tried a lot to understand each other! But anything non-superficial we spoke opposite languages... and.. well, literally too, as I am better in english and him in french...
I told him we're like two lines running in tandem, side-by-side.. but for some reason we just don't touch.. we're parallel. Well, of course, he didn't quite get what I meant and told me, that's good! He loves differences and explorations.
I showed him my drawings. He stared blankly and wanted me to explain. Explain! I hate explaining my art. Does it make you feel something? That's all that matters. You need me to explain? It means it didn't hit something in you. I knew then that he'd never be someone who'll really "see" me. He thought a bit after my prodding, and said he saw purity, delicateness...
He told me he likes to dominate. My cheeks felt warm and I thought, maybe he'll be what I like in the bedroom...
And he was. He was what I like. But what I really love? He commented, what you want, it's the toxic things, isn't it?
I guess domination has a different meaning to every quadra indeed.
I was the first to hear some of his deepest fantasies. Something about a lady spread out in an X on a cross. Another about, man or woman, they are dying of thirst in the desert, and the only thing left to drink is.. well, you know...
What is sadism and domination to a delta?
He once made a shaking motion, said, you really need someone who can shake you up, don't you? Another time said that I have such an appreciation for the world, the little things, for living and experiencing new things... but it's like I don't.. quite know how to actually.. get those experiences, don't I?
Once, I showed him a drawing I made of a baby bird perched atop a finger, looking out to the distance, curious, wondering, steely, determined. He misinterpreted the meaning, he said, did you draw this because you feel too scared or insecure to go out in the world?
No... I simply want to be the small fairy tucked into a chest pocket, peeking out and taken along..
He had a disdain for anything internal. You think too much, he'd say. Sometimes he was right, I do think too much and should worry less. Other times he was wrong, it's my internal world and perspectives...
I became incredibly industrious in that period of time. The strangest thing was that it was entirely independent of him. I mean, he was so, so independent, far more than his type prescribes him as. But every time after I'd see him, I felt so enlivened and determined and self-focused. In a way divorced from him. I ascribe it to ST, his personhood apart from anything type-related, and his own way of caring and loving, all those things having an effect on me...
One night I woke up and simply knew it was time to get started on moving on. Choosing him and choosing myself was overlapping less and less.
Once upon a time I ignored those midnight realizations. I learn the hard way, but I learn well.
He was eastern african. I was sick recently and bummed around on those omegle replacements, and a black guy asked if I thought he was cute. I said you're not bad but I don't love the hair. He asked if I'm into black men. I said, yes actually, I've dated two, and both had longer hair. One was african american and the other african proper. He asked which was worse. I paused and told him, they were just different. He laughed loudly with his friend and said the fact that I even had to think about that question was concerning. I still don't really know which was the proper answer. I don't know. I'm a little clueless about things sometimes. I afford myself the luxury to be a little too race and culture and everything-else-blind.
So yes, we were so, so different. Similar too in surprising ways, meaningful ways. But in a parallel line manner, you feel?
But I like differences too. He's right, that I do need someone who shakes me up, in a second way. I want to meet those people that truly affect me, send a lightning bolt through my being, strike me to the core.
And yes, shit hurts. I do want to find the one (and I know he very probably has to be SLE). But I'm not the type to bar myself from an experience if it's not viable in the long-run. And I know when to get my foot out the door once it's not worth it anymore.
I'm still so young so I still have the energy for those short-term things. The energy to heal from the goodbyes and whatever long-lingering emotional ramifications. I do like living still. A dynamic life. A dynamic self.
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