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Thread: How does having an insecure attatchment style impact your instincts?

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    fatgurl's Avatar
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    Default How does having an insecure attatchment style impact your instincts?

    I've been curious as to how people who have insecure attachment styles experience the different instinctual variants (so, so, sx).

    The insecure attachment styles are anxious preoccupied, fearful avoidant and dismissive avoidant.

    If you have any of these, I would love to hear your point of view.
    Chronic "grass is always greener" syndrome




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    Hey. I think I probably have fearful avoidant attachment style and I am so/sx. I think in the past I have been attracted to other people with non-secure attachment style.

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    Tbf, I find which attachement style I fit most depends on the person I'm around.
    I have a negative view of sx and so, neutral towards sp.

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    Anxious attachment might make you think you are more Sexual than you otherwise would be.

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    I'm sx-first and predominantly have anxious preoccupied style. I identify on a visceral level with being sexual first, while I perceive my anxious attachment as a developed behavior, so I don't know if one feeds into the other.

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    Anxious preoccupation probably correlates with Sx.

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    I'm the worst of both worlds: Fearful avoidant. I can't be too close but I don't like being too far away either.

    I'm sx first.

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    Quote Originally Posted by The Joker The Fool View Post
    I'm the worst of both worlds: Fearful avoidant. I can't be too close but I don't like being too far away either.

    I'm sx first.
    For a short time, I was getting to know an ESI who throughout our communication expressed wanting to be with me, but cut me off completely after we made an agreement to get serious. Upon studying attachment styles I realized he showed very obvious signs of having fearful-avoidant attachment. He also seemed sexual first.

    Being anxious preoccupied, I have trouble comprehending the fearful-avoidant's inclination to flee when, in fact, they want the same thing that I do - intimacy. Does the flight response indicate your feelings for a person were not as strong as theirs, or is the opposite true?

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    Quote Originally Posted by PinKDiGiT18 View Post
    For a short time, I was getting to know an ESI who throughout our communication expressed wanting to be with me, but cut me off completely after we made an agreement to get serious. Upon studying attachment styles I realized he showed very obvious signs of having fearful-avoidant attachment. He also seemed sexual first.

    Being anxious preoccupied, I have trouble comprehending the fearful-avoidant's inclination to flee when, in fact, they want the same thing that I do - intimacy. Does the flight response indicate your feelings for a person were not as strong as theirs, or is the opposite true?

    Sometimes it comes from a fear of the other person not being as interested as I am in them.. and being judged for the way I might act if I get too close. Until personal boundaries are something that can be regularly crossed from experience, someone with the attachment style is going to just keep running as soon as they approach real intimacy and the tearing down of the walls of one's heart. That unity and dissolving of one soul into the other is what I need most, if I could just get past the initial stages of a relationship and be okay with the possibility of rejection. So yeah if I thought somebody might leave me for some silly reason (usually happens when thinking about past conversations) I would want to leave first.

    There's also the case where I am too caught up in fantasy in the moment and got too involved too fast with someone who wasn't right for me because of incompatible values and ideas of what the future might look like between us. In that case I might slowly get more distant and unresponsive and moody for days or weeks without completely cutting them off, until I finally feel like telling them I don't want to be with them anymore.

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    I have Dismissive-Avoidant attachment style, and I'm Sx first.

    Self pres is neutral or negative
    Soc is negative
    Sx is positive

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    unfortunately i'm anxious-insecure-preoccupied (whatever it's called lol) and it fits well with the E9 fear of separation (or abandonment)... it's probably an sp/sx 9 (i've dabbled in considering so-first for myself, but really the so-first goes with my 4 in the tritype, that 4 is sx last very possibly). so there's always these concerns about substitutes with me, because i feel like the sort of "hall of mirrors" E9 falls into is a "hall of substitutes" in which it can't get out and can't distinguish a substitute for something essential it needs. so idealizations are given to people, they can fill these substitute places, if they leave it's fear i will lose my entire being (that's the sx piece). neurotic games with substitutes will be played in my head trying to escape the grief, or grieve early, or cope with the feared loss/separation. and it kind of can become self-fulfilling.

    it's a mess... and i'm so old now that some of my earlier ways of being are starting to fall away and i'm really at a point of severe overturn in my mind with all the ways i look at things, and as always, i hope i will find a more healthy way forward...

    eta: oh i forgot the sp piece - i think that's the narcotization... it was after my first serious relationship that i really started giving over to using more substances, because the pain of separation was so intense for years i just couldn't escape it... so alcohol and weed and anything i had access to were abused. it still hurt so bad but the drugs i think up the dopamine or something in the brain and so it can hurt while at the same time something doesn't hurt, and that takes the edge off.

    but first it is merge with another person, then merge with drugs bc they are gone... it's like everything is merged with, all the substitutes.

    i've also used alcohol to intensify my emotions when i feel too empty of feeling inside, ahem, but i haven't been tending that way lately, mb they are intense enough. honestly, this is where 9 and 4 are at odds... 9 wants to take edges off and 4 wants to intensify. something unstable comes out of this mix.

    i'm like, sp first is substance abuse lol... but it kinda is with me bc it's not like i do all the special things in sp descriptions like make sure i have the perfect hairbrush, that everything is cleanly and in order, that i have all the resources i need... i don't focus on that stuff at all except to bemoan that it's so difficult... my sp use is, um, negative and about this more abstract survival focus (while not doing the things that are needed to survive).

    eta 2: the other thing the sx 9 aspect does is escape into fictional worlds, so for instance after the break up, i started dissociating into fiction and substituting relationships with fictional characters for real ones, and this actually was what eventually ended the pain (just at terrible cost). these worlds became so real, my mind had something new to latch onto and could be coaxed to let the ex go. but ofc then i stayed buried more from reality, and that eventually leads the 9 to collapse bc it's not addressing its needs in reality in the meantime.

    and the horrible tragic end for unhealthy sx 9 is it merges with its true love: oblivion lol. it doesn't realize that oblivion is the master of all substitutes in the beginning. every substitute is part of building a more intimate relationship with oblivion. when i was a child i used to paint pictures of death carrying me away (personification/expression of oblivion, though at the time i didn't know the significance fully).
    Last edited by inumbra; 07-28-2021 at 07:45 PM.

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    I am following this thread
    I have a securely attached style but I like learning
    -
    Dual type (as per tcaudilllg)
    Enneagram 2w1sw(1w9) helps others to live up to their own standards of what a good person is and is very behind the scenes in the process.
    Tritype 1-2-6 stacking sp/sx


    I'm constantly looking to align the real with the ideal.I've been more oriented toward being overly idealistic by expecting the real to match the ideal. My thinking side is dominent. The result is that sometimes I can be overly impersonal or self-centered in my approach, not being understanding of others in the process and simply thinking "you should do this" or "everyone should follor this rule"..."regardless of how they feel or where they're coming from"which just isn't a good attitude to have. It is a way, though, to give oneself an artificial sense of self-justification. LSE

    Best description of functions:
    http://socionicsstudy.blogspot.com/2...functions.html

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    Quote Originally Posted by The Joker The Fool View Post
    Sometimes it comes from a fear of the other person not being as interested as I am in them.. and being judged for the way I might act if I get too close. Until personal boundaries are something that can be regularly crossed from experience, someone with the attachment style is going to just keep running as soon as they approach real intimacy and the tearing down of the walls of one's heart. That unity and dissolving of one soul into the other is what I need most, if I could just get past the initial stages of a relationship and be okay with the possibility of rejection. So yeah if I thought somebody might leave me for some silly reason (usually happens when thinking about past conversations) I would want to leave first.

    There's also the case where I am too caught up in fantasy in the moment and got too involved too fast with someone who wasn't right for me because of incompatible values and ideas of what the future might look like between us. In that case I might slowly get more distant and unresponsive and moody for days or weeks without completely cutting them off, until I finally feel like telling them I don't want to be with them anymore.
    I'm also fearful avoidant and relate to this wholeheartedly. Especially the part about if you think someone might leave you, you have to leave them first.
    It's so stressful wanting something so badly but knowing you're standing in your own way.
    Chronic "grass is always greener" syndrome




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