SLI love life
I have a cousin who I typed as SLI. He may be also an incel. Being the ESI that I am, I feel that I am duty bound to at least attempt to snap him out of this. Anyone have any tips, suggestions, remarks and/or clarifying questions that don't include getting him dualized or him meeting an IEE (as that is an obvious answer)?
Thanks in advance!
Details such as his enneagram if you know it, his hobbies, and occurrences that have led you to think he might be an incel will likely be helpful.
Therapy/coaching would help. You could try to do it on your own, though you'd have to rate yourself on how well you could do it. He just needs someone to help sort out why he's an incel and what to do to get out of it.
My father was an SLI. He married my mother, an LSE just like his own mother, when they got out of college and he stayed the course for the rest of his life. Don't let your SLI cousin repeat this.
My ex-wife is an SLI-Te and I married her when she was in her thirties (she's seven years older than I am), so I married my father. Don't let your SLI cousin repeat this.
My son is an SLI-Te and he's getting older and I think he's still a virgin. I've pushed him towards IEEs and he's told me to mind my own fucking business. He knows his aunt, an IEE-Ne, and he can't stand how random she is. He has met my IEE-Fi bookkeeper and he's scared to death of her. I don't know why.
I know he's not gay, but he's not exactly involuntarily celibate, either. He's entirely voluntarily celibate. I think he's waiting until he's forty or some shit before he marries so he doesn't have to take care of any kids. My SLI father was spectacularly absent from my life growing up, and my SLI ex-wife refused to stop working to be a mother, so I had to quit my job to be the house-husband, because somebody had to raise the kid.
My personal advice to you, @Great, would be to let your cousin drop off the end of the earth by himself and you just concentrate on finding an LIE-Te, because you can only save yourself.
Oh, wait. I didn't read your OP carefully. You said, "any tips, suggestions, remarks and/or clarifying questions that don't include getting him dualized or him meeting an IEE (as that is an obvious answer)?"
Has he asked for your aid in his love life? No? Then as Adam's son said to him, do mind your own fucking business.
A single guy not interested in dating or unsuccessful at it if interested doesn't equate to vengeful woman hating incel contemplating a shooting spree.
I for one would be thoroughly pissed off if someone tried to get into my business regarding my love life and especially if they tried attributing my current status as something negative and harmful that needs 'fixing'. Great way to earn a big fat fuck off from me.
What evidence supports your hypothesis that he is an incel?
All signs point to fuck off. Thanks for the help guys. Feel free to use this thread for whatever.
Originally Posted by Great
Sorry, @Great. You can have the best of intentions, but some people will refuse to be helped. I've had that problem all my life.
If you haven’t told him about socionics, tell him? Soz if that’s obvious.
Whoa. Get out of here with your reasonable and workable idea.
Originally Posted by Bethany
How old is he? It might happen later in life. The SLI I know found his IEE soulmate and dual (my cousin) but he was already in his like his early 60s when he met her. He was well-established, had a good job. IEE cousin just got done being in an unhealthy relationship with a SLE male who she wasn't compatible with.
SLIs can be socially awkward as hell. Even more awkward than me, and that's pretty bad! But they prove their value and worth with their Te and how useful they are.
Originally Posted by one
I think these are the exact reasons my SLI ex decided to get married at age 37. She'd had a bunch of BFs but didn't get along with any of them, and was living alone, just going to work and doing charity work for the church and she decided that she didn't want to be alone for the rest of her life.
She actually told me "No" when I asked her to marry me. She said she wanted to keep her apartment, I'd live in my house, and we'd see each other on alternate days. I told her that wasn't my idea of a relationship, and we'd either get closer or we'd get further apart. Her choice.
She agreed to get married a month later.
By the time our kid hit his teenage years, we had a companionable marriage. We liked each other, but there was no sex. She moved out shortly after that. Into an apartment, and me living in the house. Just like what she'd originally wanted. Lol.
Then, when I figured out that she wasn't coming back, I divorced her. I should have listened to her before we got married.
@Great, don't let your SLI cousin repeat this.
Not going to advise against what everyone else has suggested about leaving it be because SLIs are very resistant to any attempt at control or interference in their decision-making. Namely, Fi HA is very sensitive and your cousin will likely not understand you are coming from a place of care. However, I was curious about his enneagram (also his instincts) because if he’s something like a 5, 5s are more content to be single regardless and he’s likely not incel in that case. Without knowing what you know about your cousin, you can bring your friends around in casual settings to meet him - no expectations, just give him the opportunity to open up on his own terms if he finds someone interesting. Bonus points if any friends happen to be IEE.
IEEs aren't the solution to all the problems of SLIs jeeez
Originally Posted by Great
Let him learn through freedom(and pain) to deal with his HA like all of us. Same way I need to stop being a slacker and find a new job because I'm nearly homeless & already broke... (Te HA)
I would suggest you get him into some magic mushrooms and visiting some music festivals. If he is a 20 something then this is going to work.
Basically he has to one, learn that he a looser. And two, learn there is something he can do about it. Until he even has awareness there is a problem.. then not much will change.
The trouble is SLI are stubborn as hell, (IP) when it comes to that internal space. Inspiration can only come from opportunity, in this case, to be inspired and how else is that going to happen unless there is some shock to the equilibrium?
the music festival includes so much Fi+Si that its a safe space to cut loose and "be", which is more natural than the rigid mindframe of locked in incel.
I think it was forumite silke who pointed out many music festivals are in fact Si spaces. The ambience is there and it includes many chances to rub shoulders, literally, with strangers of the opposite sex.
Anything else you attempt, on the intellectual reasoning front, is essentially worthless. I think the big obstacle to this approach is going to be the conservatism you will encounter prior. I don't know how their duals do it, but their enthusiasm inspires I guess, that, or their chaotic messiness that beggars inclusion in the event itself. Let them come along for the ride. The thing will do its work.
Oh..there are no music festivals.
Thanks China, you are a piece of shit.