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Thread: Dual parent/sibling/child

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    Default Dual parent/sibling/child

    To those who grew up with a dual parent or sibling, how did it affect you? Did you take them for granted? Pros & cons? What about raising a dual child?

    Just curious because my SEI friend has an ILE little bro and I think she takes it a little for granted haha. Also curious if when she leaves the house, she'll suffer a bit (she doesn't know any other duals)

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    Quote Originally Posted by chocolatte View Post
    To those who grew up with a dual parent or sibling, how did it affect you? Did you take them for granted? Pros & cons? What about raising a dual child?

    Just curious because my SEI friend has an ILE little bro and I think she takes it a little for granted haha. Also curious if when she leaves the house, she'll suffer a bit (she doesn't know any other duals)
    My dad is my semi-dual, an ILI-Te. During my childhood, he taught me the value of Ni, how important it is to Se & then introduced me to MBTI. As a result, I self supply Ni well.

    My mom is my beneficiary, an ESE-Si. She taught me the value of Fe, my HA. I do dislike the spirit of Fe but, unlike Ni, Fe isn't very meaningful.

    Through my childhood, my parents combined efforts accustomed me to both Ni & Fe.

    Pros: I never needed relationships for psychological balancing
    Cons: Neither parent were my actual dual. I've never been truly close to anyone in my life, even tho it'd be cool. NiTe (Dad) & FeSi (Mom) aren't NiFe, but merely a loving "facsimile" of it.

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    Quote Originally Posted by chocolatte View Post
    To those who grew up with a dual parent or sibling, how did it affect you? Did you take them for granted? Pros & cons? What about raising a dual child?

    Just curious because my SEI friend has an ILE little bro and I think she takes it a little for granted haha. Also curious if when she leaves the house, she'll suffer a bit (she doesn't know any other duals)
    Anecdotes, because I have no dual parents/siblings/children:

    My LIE-Ni cousin grew up with an ESI-Se brother around his age, and his oldest child is ESI-Se as well. He’s never been without an ESI in his life, and he very much took it for granted until recently he moved away from his brother. The two were best friends and the distance has hit LIE hard.

    I have two aunts, oldest and youngest in the family, who are LSI-Se and EIE-Fe. Because of the age difference, they weren’t very close; but when together, they are notably accepting of each other’s idiosyncrasies that always annoyed Alpha/Delta family members.

    I know an SLE-Se whose mom visually identifies as a possible IEI. SLE complains and speaks very derogatorily about her. Moved away from her once, but when she realized what she had, came back. Their degree of friction makes me think the mother may not be IEI, though I don’t know if this is just characteristic of SLE-IEI duality.
    Last edited by PinKDiGiT18; 06-08-2021 at 04:56 AM.

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    Grew up with a semi-dual sister and a conflictor Dad. My sister is a reference for me to what is a good conversation. We are pretty much like duals in how we interact, and we are almost inseparable. This makes me compare every conversation I had with other girls. People often told me we had nice conversations and for me that was like "meh".
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    Not dual but between all of us my LSE mother had the least amount of conflict with my ESI sister. My father use to jokingly call her baby Jesus because my mother believe she could do nothing wrong lol.
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    My mother is ESE. Outside of being her favorite (compared to my SEE sister), I don't think it was particularly great for me.

    My father was abusive and my mother let it happen, and pretended it didn't. He also yelled at her frequently. I would sometimes try to defend her (or my sister), but things would just get worse for me, and my mother ignored it; never thanked me, stood up for herself, or stood up for me. This caused me to resent her and keep my distance. Another factor causing me to keep my distance was that I felt my family didn't treat me as a person. Decisions were constantly made for me; my parents would talk about me as if I wasn't there, and decide what to do with me without caring, let alone asking, what I wanted. I felt often that I wasn't a human; that I was some thing incapable of participating in human community; that I didn't have will; I was more like a worm or insect things just happened to. When I tried talking to anyone in my family, even my sister, I was always treated like I was weird in some way; it felt that nothing I said was taken seriously; even a statement like "I like dandelions" was received like I was some mentally deficient person being humored. Later in life I was made to see a therapist, who suggested I was autistic. But not even that was to my face; I only learned that years later from my sister. The feeling was that there was something wrong with me making me unworthy of being treated or talked to like a human.

    Another problem was that though my father abused everyone else, everyone just acted like everything was fine, especially around others. I have memories of my mother going from sobbing one minute to laughing and acting comfortable with my father half an hour later, simply because other people were around. Nothing was ever addressed; everyone just acted like it was fine for my father to be yelling at them (or for my sister and me, hitting us), and even acted like they forgot it ever happened. This contributed to my feeling that I wasn't human, or like anyone else. It felt like I was going insane; that I knew these kinds of things had just happened, but no one else remembered and treated me like I was insane for continuing to care and not ignore everything like everyone else. I kept journals ever since I was 7 or so, so that I could have something to look back on and convince myself that my feelings were justified; that I wasn't making anything up; that I had a right to be angry, and not forget like everyone else.

    My sister was slightly less like my parents, but still acted similarly. There's only one time I really remember her acting differently. My family used to go on a vacation maybe once a year for a week or two; I used to dread them because my father was constantly around us all, and things were always particularly bad during these times. But one was particularly bad; my mother cried for every day of the trip because he was yelling at her so much and treating her with so much hatred, and this was the first time I really saw sustained anger in my sister at my father. A year or two later, my mother was talking to us about that trip, and how it was the best she'd ever remembered. I said something, incredulous, softly, and that was the trigger for my sister to burst out in disbelief and almost shout at her, asking what she was thinking or remembering.

    But this didn't happen often. In any case, because both my parents were Fe-valuers, and because Fe-valuers always participated in the sort of "cheeriness" they affected when around others, I grew to really hate expressions of that function. I felt very uncomfortable around it, and though I didn't have many opportunities to be around anyone else, I preferred to spend time with Fi and especially Ni egos, who I think I viewed as having an alien mentality to that of my family (my father was SLE), and therefore more compatible with my own. It was only after being able to spend much time by myself, away from my family, that I realized I could do well with Fe/Fe people.
    Last edited by FreelancePoliceman; 06-07-2021 at 01:06 AM.
    φιλοκαλοῦμέν τε γὰρ μετ᾽ εὐτελείας καὶ φιλοσοφοῦμεν ἄνευ μαλακίας.

    It’s hard to translate this literally and poetically into English, but this is my attempt at a translation: “For we love beauty, that we attain good ends thereby, and we love wisdom, though not in a way that makes us soft, nor that causes us to value weakness.”

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    Kind of similar to FP for me, change a few settings and types.
    My mom was the nutter who kept yelling and hitting people, my dad was shouting back or standing by her side when when she went at us, my sister and I.
    My sister is my dual. Being six years apart, it was tough being close in these settings, even more so since we had different ways to cope. She went out with friends as much as she could and I hid away in my closet.
    I have few memories with my sister, she died at 22. I was 16. Don't say sorry, I'm sick of hearing it.
    These moments I remember with her are pearls found in a desert, what are the odds? It didn't keep me from prefering conflictors and supervisors in life, lol.
    Duality may be like the rain that nourishes the flower, but if someone steps on the flower, the rain is useless.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Stray Cat View Post
    My dad is my semi-dual, an ILI-Te. During my childhood, he taught me the value of Ni, how important it is to Se & then introduced me to MBTI. As a result, I self supply Ni well.

    My mom is my beneficiary, an ESE-Si. She taught me the value of Fe, my HA. I do dislike the spirit of Fe but, unlike Ni, Fe isn't very meaningful.

    Through my childhood, my parents combined efforts accustomed me to both Ni & Fe.

    Pros: I never needed relationships for psychological balancing
    Cons: Neither parent were my actual dual. I've never been truly close to anyone in my life, even tho it'd be cool. NiTe (Dad) & FeSi (Mom) aren't NiFe, but merely a loving "facsimile" of it.
    Hah, my ILI dad also introduced me to MBTI.. which eventually brought me here.

    What do you mean that you dislike the spirit of Fe?

    Have you ever been somewhat close to a beta NF in your life?

    ~~
    In my case, my parents ESI-Se and ILI-Ni gave me good exposure to my 1D IEs, which is valuable, even if only in the 3D positions. My only real socionics-related complaint is that having Fe ignoring & PoLR parents led me to unconsciously repress Fe in my early teens.

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    Quote Originally Posted by chocolatte View Post
    Hah, my ILI dad also introduced me to MBTI.. which eventually brought me here.

    What do you mean that you dislike the spirit of Fe?

    Have you ever been somewhat close to a beta NF in your life?

    ~~
    In my case, my parents ESI-Se and ILI-Ni gave me good exposure to my 1D IEs, which is valuable, even if only in the 3D positions. My only real socionics-related complaint is that having Fe ignoring & PoLR parents led me to unconsciously repress Fe in my early teens.
    I grew up being taught Fe meant sacrificing individuality for social status. I refused that sacrifice. Ever since, each time Fe-doms go out of their way for social regard I get annoyed. Fe-doms can over-dramatize & make mistakes cause their weak Ti makes understanding nuance in decision-making difficult.

    Fe ought to be about establishing appropriate rapport & empathy with others not manipulating a group cause they think they know better.

    I prefer Fe-creative who consider emotional temperature but have principles of Ni or Si that are primary.

    Edit:. Most IEI I got close to were too immature to balance my Se in a meaningful way. Not their fault. Having an Ni-dom father is good for an Se-dom kid

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    I grew up with some of the "best" and "worst" relations. I don't have a dual parent, but my grandparents are duals and dual/identical to me. Parents are my Supervisee and Superego in a Supervision marriage. I have Ni dom, Fe dom, and Conflict siblings.

    It was a sharp split - it was like you would go from a person who understands you without words, to a conversation with an alien determined to misinterpret you. It made me vigilant of meh relationships and early signs of crossed signals in communication. Probably why I am Sx first. I have no naivete or romanticism about "making it work with anybody."

    I definitely appreciated the IEI but I did take it for granted, because it was too easy. It spoiled me. I don't have patience straying too far from that for too long. I still have my Semidual which is nice, and I don't take it for granted, but that's not the same type relationship.

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