Do you guys think it's possible to be an autistic sociopath? For me, my autism was really obvious but I also had callous and unemotional traits since childhood. Some people may be ignorant and think "well you just lack empathy because you're autistic" but that's a misunderstanding of both autism and sociopathy. I do not find empathy a useful term because people often use it differently than others. Instead, I will be using the term "feeling other's emotions" and "understanding other's emotions." People with autism typically do not understand other's emotions, but they feel other's normally or even more than normal. This is contrasted with sociopaths, who typically understand other's emotions very well but do not feel them. It can be akin to "hearing the lyrics without the music."
You may think that that already shows it's mutually exclusive, but I do not think so. I seem to have skipped autism's hypersensitivity but everyone agrees that I'm autistic, I have abysmal social skills, fixate on certain topics to the annoyance of others (special interests), poor eye contact (although the severity of that has lessened), et.c. Now I mentioned callous and emotional traits before, traits in children that may lead to sociopathy as an adult. Sometimes I think it's autism is a misdiagnosis but I'm very lacking in self awareness in general.
My childhood is very blurry like a distant dream. But I do remember some things. In kindergarten I found it funny when people cried, I would point and laugh at them. Year later I would try to murder a girl in a fit of rage. Do not remember if I felt guilty or remorseful. Parents berated me for it. 3rd grade; boy told me I would laugh if he died. Seemed to have calmed down after that, until 7th grade.
Now you may be wondering "Why are you admitting these bad things about yourself?" - firstly I'm an attention whore and secondly, I still have somewhat of a hope I don't turn out to be a future criminal; maybe someone here can help me. 7th grade though, I started to consider people more in an "us vs. them" mentality; me being a le shy introvert and them being stupid normies. Began feeling less. Seemed to have been the beginning of depression, but I don't quite remember that well.
Started fighting more with parents. Now I should remember I would sometimes have meltdowns before this; I believe I felt guilty about them but again, it all feels like another lifetime. There was at least a shift though, I would start to become false angry. I would act very angry while feeling nothing on the inside. It's not quite an act, it would be beneficial to everyone if I stopped being like this, but I cannot. Everything seems to have gotten worse since 7th grade, but I believe my false anger is becoming more controllable. I can now stop yelling for a bit and talk rationally.
The beginning of the antisocial (not to be confused with asocial) behavior started around mid-2019. There was this guy I was quite fond of online, we'll call him ExF, short for ex-friend. He started to pull away from me and I tried to keep the friendship alive. Now this all sounds nice and all but the problem started when I would harass him in servers with my fetish. I would frequently ask him questions about it, talk about uh... doing stuff, don't want to be too NSFW because that's not the point of this thread + I'm only 16. He made it very clear to me that he found it disgusting and that it made him feel bad.
I would frequently claim I was sorry but never truly was, I never stopped even if he blocked me. I do remember a shift in the way I experienced attachment to people. It used to feel meaningful, fulfilling, but that slowly started to go away. The reason I was so fond of him was because it would distract me from the emptiness I felt inside, knowing about him, et.c. I even call him my "not-crush" (I am incapable of romantic love). Eventually it escalated into me making alternate accounts to stalk him and gather information. I told people online about it and they said it was a terrible thing to do, so I stopped.
I don't quite remember what I felt when I stopped stalking him. I even admitted to it. Eventually he completed pulled away from me, and we stopped talking since. It would ruin my day if he said something like "idc," so I had to be the one to stop talking to him because it was seriously bad for my mental health. Eventually, deleted all his messages with me, and that's when I knew it was truly over. That's when the boredom magnified. Parents would restrict my access to the internet and I got extremely bored and false angry. I tried to pick up many offline hobbies but none quite captivated me.
To this day, I am highly irresponsible, even accounting for my age. I have hurt my puppy and threatened to do worse to her because she was in the way when arguing with my parents. I do not feel remorseful/guilty/empathetic about it, but acknowledge it's immoral. When I think about what I did, it's like "Meh, whatever." I do not really want to be a monster, but I feel like it is inevitable.
What do you guys make out of all of this?