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Thread: Do I have a chance with this ESFp? Is she flaky due to her type or off put by me?

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    Default Do I have a chance with this ESFp? Is she flaky due to her type or off put by me?

    I met a really nice ESFP Muslim girl in school, and this was before the lockdown. I would eagerly await her coming to class just so we could have lengthy conversations. (btw I'm an INTj). I even gave her candy once, and she really liked it. I got obsessed with her, but I was also strict in my approach to gender relations back then as a Muslim, being pressured to drop her as a friend, so I kept adding her and readding her and she would always be understanding, but once I confessed I had a huge crush on her and that was why I felt it would be inappropriate, and she seemed uncomfortable but calmly said we were just friends and later (or before?) told me she was focused on her studies and didn't want to focus on that stuff until after college like her parents encouraged her, and I asked if she would consider me dating material after college (more specifically I was referring to dating to get married, so I referred to getting married) and she said it was a possibility and she would evaluate it if that time comes. Later, the lockdown happpened, and she transfered to another college, and we had added each other on instagram, and i was getting obsessed and I sent messages only to delete them but in the end i deleted her after ranting about my situation rather i deleted my account due to the flood of trumpian political content and also from the flood of salafi (islamic fundamnetalist) content coming from one of my friends due to the algorithm. (hes not salafi though, and i went down a rabbit hole with increasingly conservative stuff). i tried adding her on a new account but she didnd't see my messages but never blocked me, and she never deleted my requests when i would try to add her it would just stay there. despite all the weird stuff i texted her in an effort to win her over she never blocked me or complained. i even liked one of her facebook posts after deleting tweets and facebook comments on her pages out of fear (i have fearful avoidant tendencies, and i had no idea how to act). again, no response. i asked her dad at the mosque if i could marry her and he asked if i had her social media and i said not anymore, andhe said sure, but i told him once realizing i couldn't due to lack of money that id have to wait until i had money. (and an education was what i mentioned). he seemed confused but didnt get mad. arabs seem to be pretty chill, practical people. if i said that to a turk id be a dead man. im still fixated on her should i give up? i just wanna know what she's thinking cause with my lack of social skills or knowledge of etiquette this is not a language is speak, especially having ASD.EDIT: and i deleted either that account or another, now that i remember, due to an issue with threats i made to someone else when i was off my meds.

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    Rebelondeck's Avatar
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    Other than you seem to like her, you haven't described any potential glue that could be used as a basis for a lasting relationship. From what you wrote, her behaviour is saying definitely 'no', and anything that might be interpreted as you stalking her certainly wouldn't help the situation either.

    a.k.a. I/O

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    The Self is temporary but xSFxs are eternal one's Avatar
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    I don’t know if culture will affect it but I think if she likes you she will accept your friend request at least
    R

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    Rebelondeck's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by one View Post
    I don’t know if culture will affect it but I think if she likes you she will accept your friend request at least
    She may also accept because she's terrified.

    a.k.a. I/O

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    one of the shittiest things fundamentalism can do to us is tell us somatic self-stimulation (where we're not even fantasizing about anyone) where we just enjoy our own body
    ...fundamentalisms sometimes tell people that's wrong.
    lol.

    and then the fundamentalism will often compound that by telling us the healthy and relieving and satisfying experience of an orgasm is not only not something we are allowed to do for ourselves but also that we must commit to someone and THEY are our conduit to our personal orgasm. that creates a dangerous idea of entitlement and encourages coercion


    it also encourages us to marry people when it is neither the kindest and healthiest thing for us nor for the person we marry.

    run from this.

    flee it.

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    marriage as a bid for companionship and orgasms when you aren't already very, very close friends ....when you arent skilled in interpersonal and intrapersonal ways, is so very often a recipe for miserable disaster.

    evade that, Misfit.


    save yourself from that agonized obsession.

    keep up on behavioral therapy.

    keep up on making non-romantic friendships that are COMPLETELY platonic with men and with women.

    so much of marriage is about being a supportive friend, not about making a promise and then having sex.

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    Quote Originally Posted by nanashi View Post
    marriage as a bid for companionship and orgasms when you aren't already very, very close friends ....when you arent skilled in interpersonal and intrapersonal ways, is so very often a recipe for miserable disaster.

    evade that, Misfit.


    save yourself from that agonized obsession.

    keep up on behavioral therapy.

    keep up on making non-romantic friendships that are COMPLETELY platonic with men and with women.

    so much of marriage is about being a supportive friend, not about making a promise and then having sex.
    yes, there are actually arab women in my college i know or knew who date/dated, there actually are muslims who date. but i don't think im in a position to be in a relationship right now. i got my own emotional baggage and neediness issues, i need to learn to love myself, and get myself to actually get a fucking license and start working. im tired of running into stores to buy stuff for my exhausted from work mom with my MOM'S CREDIT CARD. I'm TWENTY TWO. and arab women who get engaged to be married like i mentioned actually have two engagements, one where they're "married" for the first time, but they're technically engaged and they date, and the second where they make arrangements to get married for real. i spent a lot of time around arab girls in my later teenhood, i find them hot. <3 im turkish. EDIT: I actually think it's similar to how turks have three serious stages of a relationship, the committment ring, the engagement ring, and the wedding ring.

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    Quote Originally Posted by nanashi View Post
    marriage as a bid for companionship and orgasms when you aren't already very, very close friends ....when you arent skilled in interpersonal and intrapersonal ways, is so very often a recipe for miserable disaster.

    evade that, Misfit.


    save yourself from that agonized obsession.

    keep up on behavioral therapy.

    keep up on making non-romantic friendships that are COMPLETELY platonic with men and with women.

    so much of marriage is about being a supportive friend, not about making a promise and then having sex.
    but yeah, i think nofap and retraining will help with not viewing women a sex objects so i can see them for what they are....people.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Misfit View Post
    due to an issue with threats i made to someone else when i was off my meds
    Study to behave appropriately without meds.
    In your religion exists a prohibition for alcohol. Why? Because it distorts your mind. Your perception of the reality and of yourself is reduced. So are reduced your abbilities to become better and better act in the reality - for interests yours and of other people.
    Meds help in something, but also distort your mind and predispose to stay weaker than you can be.

    Think about your disorder as a problem you need to solve to become stronger, better. While meds hide this problem from you. Same as alcohol hides the perception of problems and they stay unsolved.
    Any problems are given to make us better. When we solve them - we get a reward, our wishes become easier to be satisfied. The harder problem is solved - the more reward is possible.
    There are risks on any ways. You should be responsible and wise to avoid them and so to come to the destination.

    When you deal with people you should not do to them bad or to wish bad, as this creates problems to you by karma. If you want someone related better to you - wish him only good and mb he'll feel your good attitude and will perceive you more friendly to relate better to you in return.
    If you want good relations with a woman - you need feel friendly feelings to her and never demand anything in return. If you make her a pain or demand from her - she perceives you lesser friendly and this breaks the possibility of good relations. If you dislike the relations or she dislikes - try to care better about her to mb improve the relation to you, or leave her and find another woman.
    Types examples: video bloggers, actors

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    Quote Originally Posted by Sol View Post
    Study to behave appropriately without meds.
    In your religion exists a prohibition for alcohol. Why? Because it distorts your mind. Your perception of the reality and of yourself is reduced. So are reduced your abbilities to become better and better act in the reality - for interests yours and of other people.
    Meds help in something, but also distort your mind and predispose to stay weaker than you can be.

    Think about your disorder as a problem you need to solve to become stronger, better. While meds hide this problem from you. Same as alcohol hides the perception of problems and they stay unsolved.
    Any problems are given to make us better. When we solve them - we get a reward, our wishes become easier to be satisfied. The harder problem is solved - the more reward is possible.
    There are risks on any ways. You should be responsible and wise to avoid them and so to come to the destination.

    When you deal with people you should not do to them bad or to wish bad, as this creates problems to you by karma. If you want someone related better to you - wish him only good and mb he'll feel your good attitude and will perceive you more friendly to relate better to you in return.
    If you want good relations with a woman - you need feel friendly feelings to her and never demand anything in return. If you make her a pain or demand from her - she perceives you lesser friendly and this breaks the possibility of good relations. If you dislike the relations or she dislikes - try to care better about her to mb improve the relation to you, or leave her and find another woman.
    you clearly lack knowledge of the situation. not only am i not in control of my treatment plan because i lack employment and am dependent on my mother and doctor's decisions, but i am sick with a personality disorder and my body has adjusted to the meds. if i get off cold turkey without cooperation of the doctor, id get severe withdrawal symptoms.

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