Hello, though I am confident in my self-typing I am curious for outside confirmation and interpretation. This is also a way I self-reflect, it's like sharing the notes. Thanks.
What do you study or do for a living? How did you come to do that? What do you like or dislike about it?
I am in training for cybersecurity and will be finishing in a month. The decision to pursue this career path was sudden and instinctive; it just made sense. I am very conscious of the powers that be and mass surveillance, and I want to empower myself to take control of my digital environment so I can protect my data and privacy. The field is also interesting to me because it allows for tactical thinking and wargaming. Red vs blue team, attack and defense type stuff is very appealing to me. I like thoroughly analyzing how systems work, finding vulnerabilities, and exploiting them. Especially if the results are catastrophic failure.
What I dislike about cybersecurity is all the time spent at a computer instead of moving around and doing shit. My goal is to be mobile in the field and perform security audits at different organizations so I can at least be on the move.
What else do you do on a daily basis? What are your interests and hobbies? Why do you do them?
Outside of school, I volunteer at a food coop that picks up surplus food from grocery stores and distributes it to homeless people. I also take home plenty myself since I need it too. It aligns with my principles to contribute to an organization like this, since it creates the social structures I want to see in the world. It also eliminates waste, which is good.
I practice screaming to form a band. My main goal in life is to become a touring musician and lead a band to a level of success and influence in the genre. I love performing, playing to a crowd, and getting applause. I also love moshing and the violent energy of hardcore shows, and I want to orchestrate that violence. Heavy music that resonates in my chest is my life blood.
What are your values, and why?
My personal values aren’t what I focus on really. Instead, I pay attention to what makes logical sense to do given my idea of a greater good. Actions which hurt nobody are either morally neutral or good, given their positive output. An action is only bad when it causes harm to another person. If I choose to take an action which is bad for myself, I am not doing something morally wrong. It is my choice what I do with my own life and body. I would call myself a moral hedonist.
Describe your relationships with family and friends. What do you like and dislike about them?
I feel distant from everyone and don’t really know what to do about it. It’s hard for me to feel connected to people and my relationships remain casual for the most part. My family is increasingly distant from me; my life is too edgy to discuss with them. I have many issues with my father, but my mother and I are on good terms.
What do you look for in friends? In romantic relationships?
Exciting people. People with passion and purpose. People who want to do big things and who think about society from a birds eye view. I want to feel on the same level of consciousness as those I interact with. Many people seem impossible for me to converse with. Romantically, I need someone who can absorb my natural energy and aggression. I worry about overwhelming many people who seem too fragile for me.
What conflicts have you encountered recently with other people? Why did they happen? Which kinds seem to happen on a regular basis?
Recently I caught myself trying to pry apart two people I didn’t want to be dating. One of them is a potentially violent lunatic, and the other is a highly disturbed but deeply insightful individual I’ve taken a liking to. I hate the lunatic and want them out of the picture entirely. I’m very tempted to either intimidate the abuser away, or work to steal their partner and undermine their relationship. This would be harmful to me and the person I care about, though, so I can’t really go through with it. I feel protective and possessive of people and it leads me into these adversarial situations sometimes.
What are your strengths? What do people like about you? What do you like about yourself?
I have a high level of confidence and initiative, and I have knowledge of how to lead and organize other people. When I speak, people tend to listen. I attract lots of wayward individuals who lack direction of their own and try to latch onto my ambition. I’m also considered intelligent and entertaining, and I make friends very easily with a wide array of people. It’s easy for me to integrate myself to a new scene through being charming and bold in conversation. I enjoy keeping my edge sharp so people are invigorated by my presence and stay on their toes.
What are your weaknesses? What criticism do you often face from others? What do you dislike about yourself?
Impatience and impulsivity are my worst traits. People criticize me for being a crackhead with poor judgment and no self-control, which I disagree with. I’m actually very disciplined when I decide to be, I can make myself work out regularly at will for instance. I just choose to live in an unconstrained manner and I love pleasure too much, so I get myself into situations. It’s so painful for me to wait on anything I want. My anger is terrible when I’m held back.
In what areas of life can you manage well on your own? In what areas of your life would you like help?
I can teach myself anything. There are no concepts I am intimidated by. I trust that, given enough time, I can learn anything any person has conceptualized. There is always capacity for my brainpower to expand. I am also very motivated and do not need anyone to spur me into action. I am independent and take care of practical matters for myself. True laziness is not an issue for me; I fundamentally want to do things, so I don’t get lazy even when stoned.
I don’t know how to access my emotions alone. Other people have to help me with that. It kinda fucking sucks.
What things do you dislike doing? What things do you enjoy more than others?
I hate having to make smart but boring choices. The more dramatic and interesting path always seems more appealing to me. Avoiding people who are bad for me is no fun, choosing to be sober and healthy sucks, and taking life too seriously generally ruins the point. I seem to enjoy physical activity more than a lot of cowards I meet. So many people I talk to report hating exercise, being outside, and exerting themselves. That seems absolutely lame as fuck to me, why are you alive if you’re gonna live in a tiny bubble and never see yourself work at full capacity?
Note: I have been disabled so I know the barriers that can exist. My frustration is with people who have the choice and decide not to push themselves.
What goals, aspirations, or plans do you have for the future, and why?
Become a touring musician. Build a community around myself of creative and motivated people who want to push boundaries. Live large and generally win. Why? Because why the fuck wouldn’t I. Given a choice between winning and not winning, I don’t see a point in the latter.
If you won the lottery and didn't have to work anymore, what would you do?
Celebrate. Probably buy a lot of ketamine. Buy a house and host thicc fucking parties. Invest in powerful shares and cash out even higher, enough to maintain my quality of life. Then I’d take a lot of money and pour it into reshaping social institutions to be more just and beneficial.
What traits do you find endearing that others might dislike? What traits are considered positive/neutral by others but tend to annoy you?
I love when people aren’t afraid to be cringey and melodramatic. I think self expression is underrated and people are too critical of weird things that don’t hurt anyone. Shamelessness is attractive to me. What I don’t like are people who identify as being “good people” and get smug about it.
What kinds of things do you do to manage and/or beautify your environment (your room, your house, etc.)?
In the past few days I have been deep cleaning and radically reordering my apartment. I pay attention to composition and symmetry, color balance, negative space, and other design elements. Having a cohesive look is important to me. I also prefer durable environments that allow for a wide range of motion; having fragile decorations scattered around feels pointless to me.
How do you behave around strangers?
Stoic and maybe a bit on edge. I think I tend to glare at people and I tend to carry an abrasive energy with me walking around in public. I anticipate who might fuck with me or become a problem, so I don’t come off as that approachable. Sometimes more emotionally attuned people pick up I’m open to interaction beneath the surface, though.
How do you react to conflict? What do you do if somebody insults or attacks you?
Conflict energizes me too much. I want to escalate it and assert myself as superior to the other person. Sometimes I want to get physical. Insults and verbal abuse can’t sway me much, though I’ll enjoy good banter. If I ever got attacked I would definitely fight back. I’ve done martial arts most of my life and have good reflexes for combat.
Would you ever be interested in starting a business? Why or why not? What role would you play in it? What kind of business would it be?
I will probably become self-employed. I don’t know that I would hire other people, but I do want to make my own money and work on my own terms.
How do you dress or manage your appearance?
I wear all black, militaresque tech wear and oversized hoodies. My appearance is definitely on the edgy side, with screamo and metalcore band merch being my regular wardrobe. I like signaling that I’m part of a musical subculture. In the future I want to dress more provocative and striking, incorporating more revealing outfits and contrasting elements.
Do you like kids? Why or why not?
No. I don’t know what to do with them and they bother me. Sometimes I worry I’ll hurt them or set a bad example with my behavior, so I prefer to avoid kids entirely.
In what situations or times in your life did you feel most fulfilled, and why?
When I’ve been making real progress on my goals and moving up in my subcultures. I love feeling on top of the world, having insane experiences with exotic people and playing with taboo. Living at the crossroads of determined work ethic and hedonistic fulfillment is where I need to be.
Last edited by euphoricfilth; 03-09-2021 at 10:49 AM.
Too lazy to write much
Beta values everywhere. Probably SLE but can't exclude overconfident/manic EIE.
In all seriousness tho, imo it's SLE>EIE bc like 'There are no concepts I am intimidated by. I trust that, given enough time, I can learn anything any person has conceptualized.' lol and also 'My personal values aren’t what I focus on really. Instead, I pay attention to what makes logical sense to do given my idea of a greater good.'
There is, overall, a sense of directness and no bullshit that I don't see in EIEs. Even though EIE might say similar things, the way they present those things tends to be a bit more dramatic and emotionally impactful. Business-like vs Passionate.