Would you rather have a dual who..

[Rebelondeck]

.......I always wish people would help me more and I do seem to value loyalty in my friendships.........

I probably said this in another post: All the IEIs that I've known have expressed this exact same sentiment. However, the people that they all seem to have chosen were people who didn't; they seemed to have fallen for romantic images; it was the humour, intellect, strength and or power on which they focused. None seemed to have taken much time to look for the people behind the images. They also seemed to be the ones who got disillusioned first and those that could were of course the first to leave the relationships. IEIs who are rather astute at reading people in general can become blind to certain individuals; it's as if tunnel vision kicks in much too early when libido takes the lead. None of them ever listened to what friends had to say - perhaps they tend to judge others as much more socially inept than they are; even I could predict the eventual outcomes.

a.k.a. I/O

[Bethanyclaire]

@Rebelondeck I read a lot of your posts, I've learnt a lot from them. I wish I had more to share on what you've said, but I just don't have that much relationship experience. I've had big crushes on people who fascinated me, but also, part of the appeal was that I felt like there was something kind about them, like they couldn't hurt me too much. But yeah, all that can still be described as a romantic image. With these people, I felt an extremely strong connection to them, (they probably felt it too, just not as much- maybe lol). Perhaps other types are better at noticing a 'connection' that is more of a compatible one. (Although they probably make out to other people that it's a much more romantic connection/ relationship than it actually is..)

Re friends..sometimes their advice turns out right, sometimes it turns out wrong. Not sure what to say on that for now. I did used to have some female friends who were quite good at emotional support. They clearly sucked at practical support though, because they never once asked if anything was wrong with me, when there clearly was. (It's ok, I don't really blame anyone for anything, I just think people (as a whole) are all a bit useless and I still love them anyway..not sure where IEI come into this ). The friends I have now are better at general advice (seem like they care more), but not as good at emotional support.

Oh so I'm quite interested in the enneagram and when I was first looking out for SLEs, I got it into my head that I should look for E7 SLEs. Partly this was practical as I kinda know what SLE 7s can look like. But also, E7s have been attracted to me in the past and I have also been attracted to them. So yeah for ages I had this 'idealised' image of an E7 SLE in my mind, believing this was the right type of SLE for me. And then after some recent conversations, I did kind of realise that the E7s are probably not the right ones for me. They are the most romantic seeming ones, but probably not the most practical option. (generally speaking, not as a rule).

edit: I don’t really think people are useless- every person has both strengths and weaknesses (I’m not including bad/evil people). Half the time I admire people a lot. It’s easy to get disappointed in people though, I think everyone does. Maybe some types do it more. I believe you’ve said before about NFs experiencing disappointment.

[Bethanyclaire]

None of them ever listened to what friends had to say - perhaps they tend to judge others as much more socially inept than they are; even I could predict the eventual outcomes.

a.k.a. I/O

It’s more that they don’t explain their view in a way I can understand. If they said to me ‘I’m really sorry, I know it’s hard for you to hear this, please please be careful, I love you and I don’t want you to get hurt, please please listen to me’ OR they explained their view on the matter in a clear, logical way with examples from their own past, or tried to explain why someone would turn out to not be what they seemed, getting into the actual psyche of someone’s mind, that would be cool. Or if they didn’t contradict themselves from one conversation to the next so I could actually make sense of the advice they’re giving, rather than ending up more confused than before. Going forward I feel like it’s best to just listen to advice as if it were from a book or something, take it in, but mostly really try to figure out and follow my own instincts. (Don’t trust people so easily, and challenge them if they upset you).

[Rebelondeck]

......their view in a way I can understand......in a clear, logical way with examples from their own past, or tried to explain why someone would turn out to not be what they seemed, getting into the actual psyche of someone’s mind......if they didn’t contradict themselves from one conversation.....ending up more confused than before.......follow my own instincts. (Don’t trust people so easily, and challenge them if they upset you).

Such words are indications of what I have referred to as siege-mentalities, which are common among most Ips (Ejs have it as well but to a much lesser extent). Metaphorically, all information in the castle is carefully chosen and sacrosanct, and nothing untoward is going to be allowed in the castle unless it's pre-approved. Approval requires that it fits into the theme of what's already in the castle. However, it's difficult for others to put advice in acceptable terms when they're unfamiliar with the decor, which is closely guarded and no one is allowed to get a peek unless it too has been pre-approved. And IEIs tend to only allow people into their world that match the decor but they sometimes need people who don't. Their very nature often prevents them from getting the advice that they really need - and from finding helpful partners.

a.k.a. I/O

[Bethanyclaire]

I don’t know whether my friends are ‘good’ for me or not. They seem ok. And I do think I trust people more now. But I believe I also have healthier boundaries.

Learning about typology helps you to understand that your weaknesses (which you may you wish to hide from people), are not necessarily your fault. So I don’t fear judgement from others so much. And I don’t feel like their opinion of me matters so much. It’s actually in my power, to bring out the ‘nicer’ side of them, by 1. trusting them and 2. not putting up with poor behaviour on their part e.g bitchiness/ manipulation/ having double standards. (Maybe they can’t help these things, but it’s not right if other people suffer because of them). Where as I either used to turn a blind eye, or not notice it, now I know that I can either choose to ignore it or I can address it. I probably did some of this before, but it feels different now.

And maybe people do ‘put up with me’ as much as I am accommodating to them. But I still think my intentions are purer than theirs, a lot of the time. So perhaps it is up to me to lay down the ground rules, if I want to feel safer in the relationships I form with people.