An EIE asked Reddit how to support an LIE friend who has flipped areas of confidence:
"How to help an ENTJ relax?
I'm an ENFJ who recently met an ENTJ and we hit it off like fireworks right from the start. We love each other & have so much fun and laughter and deep times together.
Somehow I've always ended up meeting lots of people who I just click with naturally but I think it came as a surprise to her, and I think even now sometimes she's surprised at how open she naturally tends to be with me. I know emotions are not yet forte and she'd rather forget about them than having to deal with 'em and I'm always like FEEL FEEL FEEL. She's also helped me be less feely though, and try to be more objective and thinky in certain situations.
Now we're very similar in a lot of ways and I think we try to help each other out in analysing situations and giving each other different perspectives. I've noticed though that she cares a lot about people and how she might be perceived - it worries her and she analyzes things a lot. I get like that too sometimes but I think she's getting way too riled up about it.
My question is, how do I help her relax and let go? Not care as much? I don't want to tell her to not care, because I know in certain aspects I care too much about what people think, but weirdly don't care about them at all in other ways or how I live my life / come across. So I don't want to just tell her to relax, because I know from personal experience that I can't just do that. There's not a switch.
How do I give her advice that will actually work for her but not come across as offensive? She's very confident but also her over-analysis of a lot of social situations makes me think maybe she's not very secure in that sphere. And I don't want to say the wrong thing and have her overthink what I say and worry even more.
We're both 27 and work together in a kind of people oriented field. She's very direct and assertive (I love her for this) but I think some people find that difficult to digest (but fuck 'em!). In contrast, I'm very people focused, that's where my strengths lie and I've caught her sometimes make comments about how I'm now in the clique and people have accepted me in the social circle as a joke - but I feel maybe she's feeling insecure about it too. I really don't want her to feel like anything is wrong, I think people really like and respect her. She just needs to stop caring, relax and do it her own way.
I want to help her but don't want her to think she needs to be like anyone else, least of all like me, to be liked. Would appreciate any suggestions!"
I could have written that exact response from jawncakes. That is where it's at:
https://www.reddit.com/r/entj/commen...an_entj_relax/"3 years ago
Well obviously YMMV- but I think this is the first time I've heard about another female ENTJ so I'll give it a shot. I've struggled with these exact same issues a lot in my life, and I've also managed to attract myself some helpful Feeling types who haven't always been sure of how to care for me or help me. Now, this isn't a miracle cure, because I still frequently lie awake til 3AM ruminating about how I could have acted better, etc. But here are some things I've had done for me that seem to come best from someone like you:
1. Don't even try to "convince" her of anything. If ENTJs have a skill, it's arguing- even against themselves. You can't ever win that way. Maybe just hold her. Even if she seems too high strung for that. People have told me I don't express body language that welcomes touch. But sometimes it's the only thing that can help, and I don't even think of it as a strategy, cause I'm so caught up in my head. Even if you're just friends. Say, hey we're gonna try something weird but someone on the internet told me it might work (lol). Put on a TV show you enjoy and watch it while holding her, maybe petting her hair or something soothing. Idk. It's really helped me calm the fuck down, even coming from friends.
2. Say that you love being around her, and that you think she's great. It's statiscally impossible that no one else likes her. Say that. Repeat that. It's freaking true. It's a fact.
3. This is a bit more manipulative so it may not appeal to YOU, but maybe bring it up with her anyway. It has helped me feel a shitton more confident with people. I keep a file on my phone with the MBTI types of people I know in it. And their hogwarts houses. And any other silly personality "typing" factoid that happens to come up randomly through knowing people. I find smooth ways to bring it up, see if people have taken either the MBTI or the pottermore sorting quiz. Over time, I've accumulated a LOT of information. And.... well... when I'm having trouble knowing how to deal with someone, I go look at their types. I think about what that means in relationship to me based on my type. If it's a group of people, sometimes I actually draw out a chart of our potential interaction conflicts/complements/harmonies. IT'S SO HELPFUL. For work, for friends, for relationships.... it's changed my life completely. And then there's nothing to waste my time ruminating about, cause I've already put down all the problems and figured out the concrete solution. A fact-based, logical workaround to hazy social/emotional situations.
Anyway. Best of luck! I hope some of this helps. Really cool to hear about another woman going through the stuff I've been going through all my life."