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Thread: I just want to be happy

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    Default I just want to be happy

    I just want to be happy. I can't express my feelings with anyone without being shamed. I just want to be understood. To feel a deep connection with someone. But I can not find that bond. I have lost all taste for life, all taste for what once made me feel joy and enthusiasm. I have lost all sense of purpose, and I cry as I write these words but I fear being perceived as ridiculous or being put down. But it feels good to cry. I fear losing my religious faith, for it is all I have left besides my financial and physical security provided by my mother. I will always be alone, no one will be there. I will never have children, and if I did, they would be the children of divorce, and years later, they would be accused of being the children of a so-called "sexual predator" by people like my brother, and thus be suspect to suspicion, that, God forbid, they be next. I hate myself. I hate my penis, I hate my feelings of love, I hate gender segregation and social norms. I miss the old me who would smile at life and give everyone a helping hand and get home in time to watch spongebob and study astronomy and biology and other subjects.

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    I hate the attitudes of 1st generation immigrants who I grew up with. Who made it that much harder to reach out and make american friends or dates. not that it was forbidden, but that's a long story.

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    How old are you? Do you live with your mother?
    Clicks speed growth.


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    Take each day as it comes and make sure to keep doing the things that give you pleasure, within reason. Try exploring new things too, although that may be somewhat limited by the recent pandemic.

    I don't know how it is in your society but you must remain hopeful for the future and focus on the matters that are in your power to change for the better.

    There's no point hating yourself. Far better to hate the situation you are in and for you to do what you can to make life bearable and improve it.

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    I may also be going through withdrawal from nofap. @FreelancePoliceman I am 21. Yes, I live with my mother. I also have ASD (autism spectrum disorder) and other disorders so ive had trouble being independent.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Misfit View Post
    I may also be going through withdrawal from nofap. @FreelancePoliceman I am 21. Yes, I live with my mother. I also have ASD (autism spectrum disorder) and other disorders so ive had trouble being independent.
    Do you have a job? It might be best to find something to keep you away from home and out in public. It's not good for someone to live long in the same environment they've known since they were a child.

    Also, may I ask why you aren't masturbating?
    Clicks speed growth.


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    Quote Originally Posted by FreelancePoliceman View Post
    Do you have a job? It might be best to find something to keep you away from home and out in public. It's not good for someone to live long in the same environment they've known since they were a child.

    Also, may I ask why you aren't masturbating?
    Religious reasons, also, I heard about the health benefits of not masturbating, and also, masturbating for me leads to looking at porn, and I morally disagree with it, since when it leads to me looking at rape scenes, which I got hooked on when I was young. Also, porn in general I find immoral, and for religious reasons as well as secular psychological ones. EDIT: Oh, and no I don't have a job, but I'm going to get one soon I hope. I'm completing a career diploma during my gap semester, and then completing a degree in psychology or economics. (I'm a little late so first i have to complete the junior college general education degree)

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    It won’t help you to keep your concerns to yourself although I fear in a conservative society that it could be deeply problematic if you contact the wrong people. I also don’t think this forum is ideal, as even one person can destroy your hope with toxic or poorly informed comments. But I hope there are numerous online communities well-suited to helping you resolve your perceived issues.

    I suggest you try to describe them as fully as you can to yourself - this may make them seem more manageable, and probably the first step to resolving them. You may see for example that there are things that aren’t really problems or that you can do little about, at least for the time being.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Misfit View Post
    Religious reasons, also, I heard about the health benefits of not masturbating, and also, masturbating for me leads to looking at porn, and I morally disagree with it, since when it leads to me looking at rape scenes, which I got hooked on when I was young. Also, porn in general I find immoral, and for religious reasons as well as secular psychological ones. EDIT: Oh, and no I don't have a job, but I'm going to get one soon I hope. I'm completing a career diploma during my gap semester, and then completing a degree in psychology or economics. (I'm a little late so first i have to complete the junior college general education degree)
    When I was religious, masturbation made me feel terribly guilty. I tried not to as much as possible, and felt overwhelmed by lust constantly. When I gave in and masturbated it made me feel disgusted with myself. It was when I stopped worrying about it that my mental health began to improve drastically, as did my sexual self-control. Knowing I could masturbate when I liked meant I didn't feel overcome by an urge to do it whenever I could, and I became generally more relaxed about sex and able to think about any woman without incessant fantasies about banging her. Men are wired to seek sexual release frequently; while anything can become pathological, there's nothing inherently wrong with masturbation, and when you keep yourself from it, with no other outlet of sexual release, you'll go crazy. I don't think abstinence from masturbation is helping your sense of happiness.

    Also, if you do masturbate, you don't have to look at porn. Just imagine what you'd like to imagine. Go wild. There's nothing wrong with rape fantasies, and if you explore them and stop treating them as taboo, their hold on you weakens.
    Clicks speed growth.


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    Quote Originally Posted by Misfit View Post
    Religious reasons, also, I heard about the health benefits of not masturbating, and also, masturbating for me leads to looking at porn, and I morally disagree with it, since when it leads to me looking at rape scenes, which I got hooked on when I was young. Also, porn in general I find immoral, and for religious reasons as well as secular psychological ones. EDIT: Oh, and no I don't have a job, but I'm going to get one soon I hope. I'm completing a career diploma during my gap semester, and then completing a degree in psychology or economics. (I'm a little late so first i have to complete the junior college general education degree)
    I'd recommend talking to a Catholic Priest of the non-Jesuit/Liberal/Commie persuasion. The younger the better by the by. They are overwhelmingly more likely to belong to a more conservative/biblical world view. The works of Cardinal Sarah are also a great place to start. I found my own views reinforced by his opinions. Hell, to further add to my points, he even cites the times Francis the Crypto-commie actually made sense to my own shock!

    As we Catholics profess to present to the world "the truth" in the most absolute sense of the term it'd make sense that even a supposed enemy of it would nonetheless utter it despite that fact even if he sought to deny it. Satan does this as well by the way. For even if you do not believe, if we look real good and hard, it's patently obvious that the Devil is a most ardent and fanatical believer .

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    r/cringe

    check out Byron Katie.

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    Keep busy/moving with personal projects/goals/to dos.

    I notice when my days are empty, my mind tends to wander and think of depressing things; when I have a purpose/plan for my day, my mind is engaged and active. When my mind is engaged and active, the days feel more fulfilling and happier.
    "I like to provoke people because it makes them think"

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    Quote Originally Posted by Misfit View Post
    I just want to be happy. I can't express my feelings with anyone without being shamed. I just want to be understood. To feel a deep connection with someone. But I can not find that bond. I have lost all taste for life, all taste for what once made me feel joy and enthusiasm. I have lost all sense of purpose, and I cry as I write these words but I fear being perceived as ridiculous or being put down. But it feels good to cry. I fear losing my religious faith, for it is all I have left besides my financial and physical security provided by my mother. I will always be alone, no one will be there. I will never have children, and if I did, they would be the children of divorce, and years later, they would be accused of being the children of a so-called "sexual predator" by people like my brother, and thus be suspect to suspicion, that, God forbid, they be next. I hate myself. I hate my penis, I hate my feelings of love, I hate gender segregation and social norms. I miss the old me who would smile at life and give everyone a helping hand and get home in time to watch spongebob and study astronomy and biology and other subjects.
    I relate.

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    'Or do ye think that ye shall enter the Garden of bliss without such trials as came to those who passed away before you?'
    “I have never tried that before, so I think I should definitely be able to do that.” --- Pippi Longstocking

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    Mastrubation, religion, spongebob... oh boy sounds like story of finding what to do with life that seeks get towards general purpose. So integration in this case seems to be a key.
    Measuring you right now

    Winning is for losers

     

    Sincerely yours,
    idiosyncratic type

    Your life is too short to actually do anything useful with it without being wasteful.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Misfit View Post
    I just want to be happy. I can't express my feelings with anyone without being shamed. I just want to be understood. To feel a deep connection with someone. But I can not find that bond. I have lost all taste for life, all taste for what once made me feel joy and enthusiasm. I have lost all sense of purpose, and I cry as I write these words but I fear being perceived as ridiculous or being put down. But it feels good to cry. I fear losing my religious faith, for it is all I have left besides my financial and physical security provided by my mother. I will always be alone, no one will be there. I will never have children, and if I did, they would be the children of divorce, and years later, they would be accused of being the children of a so-called "sexual predator" by people like my brother, and thus be suspect to suspicion, that, God forbid, they be next. I hate myself. I hate my penis, I hate my feelings of love, I hate gender segregation and social norms. I miss the old me who would smile at life and give everyone a helping hand and get home in time to watch spongebob and study astronomy and biology and other subjects.
    Coming from a 34 year old man who can sympathize with some of what you say, a few opinions .. (just my opinions, ignore them if you want):
    a) You have to be realistic and accept that you probably will never be happy. Remember that you are living in a giant prison... Humans are not meant to live this way, our instincts are completely out of tune with our surroundings. Why should you be happy when circumstances are so shit? It's not really natural for you to be.

    b) A better goal than a deep connection is a genuine ongoing connection, it's more maintainable and realistic. Problem with work relationships is people aren't allowed to be their true selves, so you end up with these shallow relationships. And then after work you just go your separate ways. But it's not great to go from overly shallow relationships to overly involved, emotional enmeshment either. That kind of idealism is not maintainable... and it is usually draining to the partner. Depth forms on its own over time, but it still has to be tempered by some sort of practical boundary. The core problem, I believe, is that a genuine ongoing connection is very difficult to form / maintain due to differences in way of life, and superficiality in society. This is once again a fundamental problem with civilization and how it operates - you can't solve it. You're working all day, she's ... doing something else, whatever it is, probably socializing with her dumbass friends who fundamentally reject you. Maybe she's working too. If around her friends, you can't act naturally otherwise you're punished for it. Point is you two aren't mentally connected - in nature you would be connected, you'd be perceiving the same information... interacting, being your true selves.

    c) having assessed these problems, and seen there is no good solution... you just have to kind of do what you can. Maybe try to find a career where you will have some sort of connection with the opposite sex. I know a person that's a male nurse, he's surrounded by women... he's avoided this problem to some degree.
    Another option is to just focus entirely on your own personal advancement. Rally, ... win at everything (in my estimation). Develop your career... excel at it. Who knows, maybe eventually you'll have enough money to buy something that remotely resembles true freedom. Maybe your market value will increase such that you can form and... not maintain a genuine relationship, but find something that roughly approximates one. Maybe you'll get some satisfaction from success in your career? Pick something that's challenging, aim high and go for it.

    d) if you feel guilty about your sexual issues - which are really just a result of all the above circumstances... well, this mess with the lifestyle and instincts is beyond your control in many ways, you just have to deal with the problems, feeling guilty about them is a waste of time. Deal with the problems as best you can. If any particular person is making you be guilty about any kind of sexual struggle you have... well, remember the people that are vicious about others sexual issues are, in almost all cases, people with hidden sexual problems themselves. The more vicious they are, the more severe their own sexual problem, typically. Of course most people have some kind of sexual problem these days due to how out of whack the instincts are, some are lucky and have good relationships to support them, but the rest typically have some kind of sexual issue. Look at the mass consumption of porn - even kids are heavily exposed to porn nowdays. Of course our shit for brains society likes to insist there isn't a problem, so it only gets worse.

    There's a difference between Judaism and Christianity - Judaism expects true behavioral compliance with the law. Christianity expects genuine effort, with the understanding that success is impossible, because the game you're playing is fucked. Of course there's nothing to be gained by falling down the rabbit hole - acceptance does not breed compliance. So I do commend your efforts in trying your best... only thing I'd suggest is maybe examine your lifestyle on a more fundamental level and see what you can change, maybe set some long term goals that will result in those changes.

    The world is fucked, don't expect it or yourself to be unfucked, just keep trying to unfuck yourself.
    Carry onward!
    Last edited by returnofxenu; 11-21-2020 at 09:53 PM.

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    What in your life triggers these kinds of posts?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Misfit View Post
    To feel a deep connection with someone. But I can not find that bond.
    1) study to feel good from the existing around and coming. your wishes is a part of that, so accept, express and follow them
    2) feel the personal traits of other human. accept them in your heart to become same as that other one. enrich your inner world by personalities of other people. not oppose them inside of you, but integrate as a part of you too

    by both approaches you will feel higher bonds with the reality and should to feel better due to higher its inner acceptance
    Types examples: video bloggers, actors

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