yo help

[Tzuyu]

Went to the doctors checkup. Found nothing wrong, except I’m 5’8 and weigh 108 pounds apparently. I have no eating disorders btw, COVID probably had something to do with the weight-loss and I’ve always been on the lighter side. So I told my SEI mom (we live together) and ever since she’s been trying to shove food down my throat. She hides my shit and only gives them back if I finished my food she cooked, which is usually a portion size too big. Tried telling her to fuck off but it just made her more mad and think there’s something “wrong”. Not exactly sure but I think she thinks I’m severely depressed or something and needs to be force-fed as a result. I’ve been flushing excess food down the toilet and even though I have no eating disorders it’s starting to feel like it. What a waste.

I just want her to stop. No I can’t move out. Don’t even care if there’s zero understanding or we get mad at each other, I just need this behavior to go away. Also I can gain weight on my own, yes ik it’s important.

[Adam Strange]

When I married my SLI-Te ex-wife, she was 5'8 and weighed about 115 lbs. I thought she was too thin (her ribs were showing), but her weight is none of my business if it isn't impacting her health.

I once tried to influence her Si by asking her hairdresser to cut her hair shorter than she liked it. Big mistake. I never tried that again.

I did get her to stop smoking. That was constructive for both of us, but my role was in supporting a decision that she had already made.

So, @Cybel, you aren't out of line with at least one other SLI-Te on this planet. My ex walks every day and is still thin, but not 115 lbs thin. Maybe 135 lbs now. But she's extremely healthy and I expect her to live into her nineties.

I suggest that you get a note from your doctor saying that your present weight is perfectly healthy and might even be better than being overweight. Your mom might accept that information if it comes from an expert.

You could also get your mother a four-legged pet. That might deflect her maternal instincts away from you and towards the pet. I suggest a black, feral, one-eyed male cat. That would definitely keep her busy. Be aware, though, that that cat will absorb about $100/week in food, kitty litter, medical expenses (its and yours) and home furnishing repairs.

If that doesn't sound attractive, then start taking her on trips to the local Maker Faires. She'll meet some slightly mad ILE there and will have less time to focus on you, because he will need her frequent attention. She can remind him to bathe and she can make him sandwiches. She's only doing this to you because everyone is oriented towards their Duals, and she doesn't have one to mother right now.

[BaruchJorgell]

Maybe you can try to explain to her that gaining weight is a long process. A permanent, but slight increase of food intake everyday might give you the weight the medical profession is looking for.

[WVBRY]

I suggest that you get a note from your doctor saying that your present weight is perfectly healthy and might even be better than being overweight. Your mom might accept that information if it comes from an expert.

I second this.

The problem seems to be what the doctor initially said, which was misinterpreted. So asking the doctor to clarify that seems like the solution.

[nanashi]

108lbs at 5'8 is a medical emergency. If you don't want someone you love saving you, save yourself. Eat consistently while you watch tv and are online.

Blend food so it's easier to consume and you don't have to chew so much.

Indicate to the relative that you're taking this over and that you would like help if she wants to. Give her a job and tell her she can do it if she feels up to it. (buying or preparing a food you indicate you want).

Thank her for her concern and act gracious and non-evasive.

[nanashi]

Went to the doctors checkup. Found nothing wrong, except I’m 5’8 and weigh 108 pounds apparently. I have no eating disorders btw, COVID probably had something to do with the weight-loss and I’ve always been on the lighter side. So I told my SEI mom (we live together) and ever since she’s been trying to shove food down my throat. She hides my shit and only gives them back if I finished my food she cooked, which is usually a portion size too big. Tried telling her to fuck off but it just made her more mad and think there’s something “wrong”. Not exactly sure but I think she thinks I’m severely depressed or something and needs to be force-fed as a result. I’ve been flushing excess food down the toilet and even though I have no eating disorders it’s starting to feel like it. What a waste.

I just want her to stop. No I can’t move out. Don’t even care if there’s zero understanding or we get mad at each other, I just need this behavior to go away. Also I can gain weight on my own, yes ik it’s important.

unless you're under 18 or she is your legal guardian to protect you, it is illegal for her to take you items. No matter what your age, it's often NOT THE BEST way for someone to eat more, and you may want to communicate how it makes you feel.

[WVBRY]

108lbs at 5'8 is a medical emergency.

Well I'm no doctor, but while I agree that 108lbs for 5'8 is underweight, I wouldn't say that it's a medical emergency. It doesn't require hospitalization or anything, which is what is typically is meant by a medical emergency, if it did I imagine the doctor would have said so.

[nanashi]

Well I'm no doctor, but while I agree that 108lbs for 5'8 is underweight, I wouldn't say that it's a medical emergency. It doesn't require hospitalization or anything, which is what is typically is meant by a medical emergency, if it did I imagine the doctor would have said so.

Maybe I should say 'serious medical condition' to indicate the person isn't dying in the next 3 days but is still at serious risk.

[Tzuyu]

unless you're under 18 or she is your legal guardian to protect you, it is illegal for her to take you items. No matter what your age, it's often NOT THE BEST way for someone to eat more, and you may want to communicate how it makes you feel.

:/ I’ve entertained yelling matches and doing my best scary Se voice. Completely serious, deadpan stare and a firm, enunciated voice: “STOP. This makes me feel controlled and stressed. You’re being a terrible mother.” She just does it right back. So I’ve given up and resorted to trashing perfectly good food. I’ve actually lost my appetite a lot by associating meal times with a battle of “what’s good for you.” I admit it, I’m not grateful whatsoever, this is but a sequence in a long pattern of borderline deranged mothering behavior and this time I’m really losing it. When she takes my shit she’s not afraid to get violent and I’m not that stubborn to fight a family member like that. Gaining weight naturally (my preferred method) takes quite a while and I’m highly dreading that this behavior will continue until then. Thanks, though.

Also as stated before, the weight is completely natural. My metabolism is just extremely high. I don’t encourage anyone to see it as ideal or healthy. Many girls in real life have commented on how skinny I look like it’s something good. Completely idiotic, I’ve never won an arm wrestling contest since middle school.

@Adam Strange Thanks, I’ll give it my best shot. I like the practical advice, seems feasible enough.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

Try telling her calmly how it makes you feel & how it hurts your relationship with her. If she then keeps trying to focus the blame on you, keep assertively re-directing her ((you might have to trick yourself into using her dual seeking function more so she will listen to you better)). This ain't easy. When anybody is upset it's easy to lash out and provoke/hurt the other person ((or make them the 'villain' and you the 'hero')) because you're mad at them instead of genuinely saying "that hurts my feelings. Can you please stop & not do that etc.".

If you are SLI< then I think I gave you a workable solution as a Fi valuer as it's still very Fi. You aren't being too nice or soft or 'fake Fe' by being this way- (nor are you giving Fe-ish insults that won't really work for you) it is creating a Fi boundary. You're gonna have to do this if she's a Fe valuer cuz ur gonna have to teach her to better respect Fi boundaries and not to shove food down your throat.

Therapists call this 'disarming' instead of strong arming your partner as well. I learned this trying to relate and date other gay men, since I've noticed instead of 'disarming' each other- we 'strong armed' each other and subconsciously encouraged each other to weaponize each other instead of coming to a meditative compromise that could work for both parties. People in any intimate relationship (whether it's mother/daughter or romantic, just any 'close' Fi relationship) tend to strong arm their partner which only makes things worse and adds fuel to the fire.

I understand you can't move out yet but she will probably respect you more when you do move out. ((and vice versa maybe?)) And even if you can't move out then it's still probably healthy to try and get more time away from her. I understand with COVID this can be hard but it still seems necessary for everybody's sanity.

[Adam Strange]

:/ I’ve entertained yelling matches and doing my best scary Se voice. Completely serious, deadpan stare and a firm, enunciated voice: “STOP. This makes me feel controlled and stressed. You’re being a terrible mother.” She just does it right back. So I’ve given up and resorted to trashing perfectly good food. I’ve actually lost my appetite a lot by associating meal times with a battle of “what’s good for you.” I admit it, I’m not grateful whatsoever, this is but a sequence in a long pattern of borderline deranged mothering behavior and this time I’m really losing it. When she takes my shit she’s not afraid to get violent and I’m not that stubborn to fight a family member like that. Gaining weight naturally (my preferred method) takes quite a while and I’m highly dreading that this behavior will continue until then. Thanks, though.

@Adam Strange Thanks, I’ll give it my best shot. I like the practical advice, seems feasible enough.

Thanks, @Cybel, I didn't live with SLI-Te's all my life without learning something.

Now, about your mother. If you have her typed right (and you probably do), then throwing Se at her isn't going to work. She is operated by ILE levers, and you are basically trying to drive a truck by ice skating when you try using Se on her.

Assuming she's not completely unhealthy, she should respond to whatever an ILE would do. Which would be to be absent most of the time while working on his social life or mad scientist skills, except when he gets hungry. Then he'd show up, eat, and leave without helping with the dishes and would disappear back into his lab or back to the bar. Because food prep is women's work and he has important smart stuff to do. (This advice is based on observing some fairly unhealthy ILE's, but it's what I've got.)

Since it is almost impossible to act like a person whose type you are not, I just recommend using Ti on her (the doctor's note) or Ne (just vanish from the room when you are full and ignore your missing stuff.)


*EDIT*
Here is how I use Socionics to make my life better.

I own rental property that the city inspects every year or so at $100 per visit from the inspector. The inspector is an ILE, and when I met him for an inspection, he found a few minor violations (Ti) that had to be fixed. I fixed them, he came back at another $100, and then he found more violations (Ne). This went on several more times and several more $100 until I figured out that the problem was the ITR. LIE and ILE are like oil and water in trying to reach an agreement.
So I hired an ESE to be the guy he met for the next inspection. All the ESE had to do was to be there and show the ILE the fixes.
Result: No further violations were found.

You can walk on water if you know where the rocks are.

This is why I said that the ultimate fix for getting her out of your face is to find an ILE for her. Then she'll have a real job and will forget about bothering you, who doesn't appreciate her good efforts towards you anyway.

[nanashi]

Went to the doctors checkup. Found nothing wrong, except I’m 5’8 and weigh 108 pounds apparently. I have no eating disorders btw, COVID probably had something to do with the weight-loss and I’ve always been on the lighter side. So I told my SEI mom (we live together) and ever since she’s been trying to shove food down my throat. She hides my shit and only gives them back if I finished my food she cooked, which is usually a portion size too big. Tried telling her to fuck off but it just made her more mad and think there’s something “wrong”. Not exactly sure but I think she thinks I’m severely depressed or something and needs to be force-fed as a result. I’ve been flushing excess food down the toilet and even though I have no eating disorders it’s starting to feel like it. What a waste.

I just want her to stop. No I can’t move out. Don’t even care if there’s zero understanding or we get mad at each other, I just need this behavior to go away. Also I can gain weight on my own, yes ik it’s important.

you might have a medical absorption issue your doc didnt test for.

you are disturbingly underweight, and I don't want your longevity, quality of life, or health to be further endangered. I was about that same bmi at your age, and I had undiagnosed Celiac's. It may have permanently scarred my intestines.

Sure your parent doesn't know how to handle it well, and that should change, but it's also an issue that you are this small.

[xerx]

Could you have intestinal worms? That happened to a friend of mine when visiting Africa. She also experienced weight loss.

[Hope]

I suggest 3 options:

a) start feeding the local beggars.
b) hang out with a fat IEE-Ne or at least to an IEE-Ne with sweet tooth (it doesn't work with EII, IEE will inspire you to eat over and over, while EII is lot less pushy).
c) tell your mom that you prefer to go with a certified nutritionist and mb she could help you with the costs.

The third option is the best one ofc. The dietician or nutritionist is actually going to measure your muscle mass and is going to give you food to gain no more weight but more actual muscle (which I've seen is the usual in most ultra slim ppl). Also you can invite her to the first or second session so she could be more relaxed about the whole issue. Also try to explain to her (alarm her if necessary) the risks of erratic diets and why is important to go to see a nutritionist. Now the nutritionist is not going to force feed you. S/he is going to give you a list of meals (usually with 3 options for each meal) and is going to adapt with your calorie requirements.

[Rusal]

Assuming she's not completely unhealthy, she should respond to whatever an ILE would do. Which would be to be absent most of the time while working on his social life or mad scientist skills, except when he gets hungry. Then he'd show up, eat, and leave without helping with the dishes and would disappear back into his lab or back to the bar. Because food prep is women's work and he has important smart stuff to do. (This advice is based on observing some fairly unhealthy ILE's, but it's what I've got.

Yes, and if she's not completely unhealthy she will respond in a way we're not are going to see much of Cybel around here anymore.

@Cybel, if you want to appease your mom, show that you're rational. Go to wholesome foods store, get some legumes and dried fruit. Come back home with the unexpected goods and tell her you're in the mood for some healthy food, prepare the legumes and stack them separetely in the freezer, make sure you have enough for a week. Use them to accompany your intake of protein. Eat the dried fruit as dessert. You can then decide to take a smaller portion, and your mum shuldn't have much against it because the food is healthy.